Is every discussion of the relationship an ATTACK

[sunshine702]

My soon to be EX sees EVERYTHING as an attack.  Any discussion at all is an attack on him.  I really don't understand this rationally.  Is this splitting? One of our fights a month ago was I sat down with a piece of paper and asked about new goal for both of us (house finished) well mine were boundaries with my new In laws equal huge Blowup to the point of hotel.

Is every discussion an attack on his very character?  I really don't see myself doing that

[sunshine702]

I admit when fighting and getting thrown out it am more personally nasty but not before.  And discussion of dinner are not a personal attack how is that seen as that??!!

[square]

PDs are indeed more likely to perceive attacks, yes. Cluster Bs in particular guard their egos and images fiercely. They are more likely to view anything short of total enmeshment (such as you having different opinions, tastes, preferences, needs) as attacks.

Additionally, your specific request of boundaries with the in laws is the ultimate threat to a man whose sense of sense is built wholly on his mother's approval.

[Rose1]

Also, there is a strong reaction to abandonment. All of these reasons are why the point of leaving is one of the most dangerous. Protect yourself. Perhaps it's wise for you to do your stuff rather than discuss

[sunshine702]

I don't understand the Fear of Abandonment with the screaming at me to leave and throwing my things out of the house.

These are the exact opposite things. This makes no darn rational sense

[square]

I got the idea that in this case it was a method of control, but sure, PDs certainly can scream at people to leave as a response to fear of abandonment.

It's irrational, hence dysfunctional, but there is a weird emotional pseudo logic.

"You can't reject me because I reject you first!"

"I will punish you for what you have done!"
"

[moglow]

Sunshine, there's actually a book "I hate you, don't leave me" - siren song of the BPD individual. He's reacting, not thinking. You're changing the script and that's scary.

Baby steps they may be, but keep moving forward and OUT.

[winter storm]

When we would argue, my partner would literally go to the door and open it. The message was, I think....if you are not happy or are angry, dissatisfied with me, you can leave.

[Rose1]

The book I hate you, don't leave me was one that sort of started to make sense of the mess.

It doesn't make sense but in a weird way it does. I don't have to do anything to fix it because it's all you and you're painted black, but on the other hand you do have your uses.

So I will leave (exbpdh did that) but you better be phoning me up and begging me to come back and if you don't you will pay for it for years.

There's not much rational thinking at all. I believe abandonment runs very deep, likely back to childhood.

[sunshine702]

Yeah forgive me I am sort of new to BPD.  I do know S was formally diagnosed with it.  I do know his career in Addiction is focused on DBT (trying to fix him)

I also realize I have been raged at for years.  I am a very beaten dog at this point. 

I do think about "what about ME!our life is about HIM I get to orbit around conveniently to his family.

I think about his rages at a pursed lip (really!). This is ridiculous.  But I realize he would NEVER do that to Kenlee (slap her cup out of her hand). So he can control it and it comes to me.  And I am done.  New life.  Me life

Movers at 9

[Rose1]

They can control it but I think the pressure builds up and then they can't.
They can put a smiling front on (what we saw) which eventually turns into malevolence and I've seen pure enjoyment when he has got to me. Exbpdh was also formally diagnosed with bpd.

The old name for this indicated that it was considered borderline psychotic. There is a great deal of cross over. In my ex's case a lot of narcissistic traits as well.

His mother almost certainly was a low functioning bpd but never went near a doctor. I believe she was also bi polar like my ex. Her parents divorced in the 1930s when it was almost unheard of so I believe this goes back generations.

Ex was an only child and quite difficult but was on the golden child pedestal as far as his mother was concerned, interspersed with periods of being ignored. May be where the abandonment issues came from.

His father had ADHD and not a great understanding of human interaction. He believed in being tough on ex to counteract the pedestal so he wouldn't get a swollen head. He was verbally mean at times but I don't know what else went on.

Certainly they had no idea that ex skipped most classes and was basically illiterate before high school. He is very smart though and picked it up. They also had no idea of his aptitudes and likes and put him into an apprenticeship that wasn't really his thing. It seems to me that he was not really "known" as a child and that may also have contributed.

Ex used anger and threats of bad behaviour to control. Because it works and I assume modelled this from someone.

So the bpd is a strange one. Self harm, suicide threats, risky behaviour, acting out and all deteriorating as he got older. We were married about 10 years before it started to get worse although there had been behaviour before this that was childish and playground stuff. My assumption was immature brain.

His fixation on mother never went away though and he never stood up for me when his parents staged regular talking tos to discuss my shortcomings. I. Hindsight it was pretty awful actually but frog in the pot syndrome for me.

[sunshine702]

Psychological abuse I am starting to see this.  My poor brain has bruises but my face is fine.

I want a safe loving relationship.  Sharing.  So much was about HIM.  Now I can be me.  I am going to travel soon Mr isolate could not.  I like to travel.  I want to drive to New Mexico and eat green chili food!

And I will stay in a  $57 room thanks to my work

I can do this I will have a life again

[MaxedOut]

My SO broke a bone last night and is in a lot of pain. Amid the barking demands and insults and yelling about how poorly I have been doing anything, she heard "I'm sorry" and "I'll go pour some water out of the cup now" as attacks, antagonizing, back talk, provoking, and arguing. I am trying not to say anything remotely triggery but apparently saying anything is an attack on its own. So is not saying anything right now. 

[Poison Ivy]

Sunshine, can you identify the video? I don't like to click on long URLs when I don't know what they'll take me to.

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you!

[sunshine702]

So I am realizing he is mentally ill and it IS NOT ME.  "Hey somebody should have told me about CONFIRMING dinner" should not be seen in the same light as you cheated or stole a bunch of money — but in his mind it is.  I get raged at a lot over really tiny things and often things that are sort of body responses — a slight sigh in my facial expressions or a slight frustration.

You know he was always telling me recently that he would marry me if we could get our volatility fixed.  But it is 90 percent him so how can I fix that.

I see this now.  I feel so much psychologically safer now being gone.  The stress was bad though.  Slight rash.  But it's cleaned and Caladryl on it