Dying Mother - indifferent siblings

[JackieO]

Hi Everyone,
I'm new to this site and need to vent and need community. Here is my story.
It took years for me to acknowledge and accept  that my mom and sister are narcissistic and used me for their own support.  They did not give back, they were parasites.  I was terrified of my mom's criticism and rejection.  Today I have very little contact with my mom.  The little contact I have had is me calling or visiting her.  She hasn't called me or visited me in years. 
My mom broke her hip and had health complications in April of this year, the doc didn't think she would live long.  I visited her in the hospital.  During that visit she was critical of me, accused me of not caring.  I was candid with her about her not visiting or contacting me and about my siblings shutting me out and not being supportive.  I saw her abuse right before my eyes.  I was having a conversation with her as though she was a responsible adult.  I saw her go from criticism, to dismissing me, to completely shutting me out.  It validated everything I had experienced with her.  I saw her visibly become distant and shut me out during that visit.  When I left she wouldn't look at me or say goodby.  It was validating to see this in that short time span, what I had invisibly experienced over a life time.
Today, she is in a nursing home with declining health.  She is pulling together the two( golden child) brothers and the (invisible) sister so they are supporting each other and rallying around her.  The older brother planned a camping trip for them in July. I didn't know about it until a week before. Of course I didn't go.   I have always remained in contact with the younger brother. Last week he said that the older brother is planning another camping trip at the end of this month.  He added, but I doubt you want to go.  He hasn't asked why I don't want to go or any questions about how I feel.
Today I feel alone and find myself isolating and not wanting to be around people.  This is the opposite of what I need to be doing so I joined this site. I have not considered no contact with all family, I've left the door open incase there can be reconciliation.  But I am struggling and miserable.  It hurts that my younger brother doesn't want to know my view.  He doesn't ask how I am doing.  I believe he is protecting his position as golden child.  But his indifference is hurtful.  Reading other posts, I think I am only hurting myself by leaving the door open, going zero contact could be a relief.  I'm tired of the pain and depression and feeling miserable.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm so sorry, JackieO. I can feel the pain in your writing.

Good for you for being straight with your mother about how things are. That was brave! And while it was validating, it was also another layer of pain added to the lifelong history of it.

It's outrageous that our dysfunctional families shut us out and then accuse us of not caring. It helped me so much to realize that my parents never saw ME, they saw a MIRROR. All the harsh criticism of me was really directed at themselves.

My siblings have likewise been indifferent to me. It was always me pouring effort into the relationship. I don't know what their deal is, but whatever it is I no longer believe I am responsible for this.

It may not be necessary to declare no contact. I did so three years ago, and it is indeed a relief. But it also came with a boatload of drama and games and finally going to see a lawyer about the harassment and character assassination and potentially dangerous consequences  for my children. (Not to scare you or anything... I'd make the same choice again in a heartbeat.) But given what you write here I wonder what would happen if you simply started matching your own efforts to your mother's and siblings'. She doesn't call you, so it's only fair that she can't expect you to call her. They don't give you family information in a timely manner so no need to call them when you have news of your own. Not in a petty tit-for-tat spirit, but as a reflection of the reality of your relationships. Merely accepting and respecting the distance that your siblings have chosen.

Feeling miserable... Well you are coming to terms with a pretty miserable situation. Sounds like you're grieving hard. I may be misreading but are you suggesting going NC and shutting the door would provide relief from those emotions? It's possible it may in the near term, but from what I've read on these boards and in therapy and books, grieving is still important work that we survivors can't avoid. NC CAN give us the distance we need to work through our hurt without continually piling more hurt on.

[JackieO]

HI Cordelia,  Thank you for your response. That is helpful insight that your parents never saw you but saw a mirror.  That is so true. 
It is tricky dealing with people who manipulate relationships instead of nurture and cultivate them. I find that I can't be upfront and honest with them. They try to hurt me with what I tell them.
I'm sorry your family is threatening legal action because you've decided no contact.    That would be difficult especially with kids.  I have done what you have suggested the past several years.  I no longer reach out to the siblings that don't reciprocate.  Although, I have called my mom several times a year and sent gifts at birthday and christmas. 
I remained in contact with this one brother, but now that our mom's health is declining, he has become indifferent with me.  He has been named the executer of her estate and is not going to rock the family dynamic boat. This threw me in a painful spiral.
I talked to my oldest daughter yesterday evening (she is an adult) about my brothers indifference.  She suggested no contact, but don't talk to him about it. Just do it.  She helped me block his number so that any messages go directly to voice mail and I can listen to it or not. I created a rule so that any email from him goes to a folder.  I will only see it if I go to that folder. 
I agree with what you said about grieving the loss.  I have grieved, but with any contact still open  to  them, there will be more grief.

[Apparently-wicked]

Hi Jackie

I'm glad you took the self care and time to find a place to share and get much needed support.  An abusive parent is the gift that keeps giving.  Even decades after you and your siblings have moved out they will think nothing of trying to triangulate people in long standing relationships namely you and your siblings.  As far as she'll be concerned she owns any of your relationships and is free to meddle for her own needs and even pleasure. 

I'm currently in a similar place where I'm finding my feet in a whole new world where I've realised all this crap, it's their crap.  But as is the case for many of us here were forced into navigating this new reality while trying to maintain clean relationships with other foo. 

You have noted that you need to reach out to learn how best to work through this.  I'm seeing you giving yourself lots of self care which will only get stronger as you move further away emotionally.

As your sense of self develops and your trust in yourself grows you will develop beautiful clarity and self love and be able to meet your needs for validation within which is the path to freedom. 

You don't need anyone other than you to validate your experience.  Waiting for validation from anyone always leads away from our agency, which is the very element an abusive childhood steals from us.  It's all in you, the trick is to identify and remove the barriers our parents built within our own minds to prevent us from finding our voice.

Love and peace
X😷X

[footprint]

After years trying to keep the door open to reconciliation (following years of forgiving horrible treatment), I went full NC. In my case, I faded out—no NC letter or anything like that, just stopped responding, blocked emails and phone numbers, etc. I made the decision to go NC in Juky 2016 and life has gotten better since then.

I'm sorry for your pain and can really relate. Many loving people are out there for you, probably some you don't even know yet.

footprint