In the middle of a storm...

[TooLiteral]

I have nowhere else to go with this, but I know all of you have been here.

*trigger warning* mentioning suicide

It started out with a little fight this morning. UPDh made an offhand comment about me not wanting sex. I said I just wasnt in the mood (true, but he had also been mean the night before and I get very body-closed when he has hurt me like that and I didnt want to talk to him about it and create another argument.) He went to work, stewed on it, and came back home. I knew what would happen before he set foot in the door....

First came the threats.

"I'm done with all of this."
"I cant do all of this alone. I get no help no appreciation."
"You are no help"

Then came the blame.

"You've changed."
"You make me out to be this monster when everything I do is a direct response to something you've done."
"Tell me what to do and I'll do it."

Then the guilt.

"I've always been a failure."
"I quit. I don't have the strength to do this with you anymore. We're over."
"I should have killed myself when I was a kid."

He punched a lightbulb on the way out.

Now I'm sitting at home...again....wondering if I'll get a call letting me know that he's killed himself.... again. Hands shaking. Stomach churning. Afraid of his wrath. Is he gone for 10 minutes? An hour? The rest of the day?

Do I leave? We've done this same thing 20 times. How many times is enough? When will I finally say "Enough."?

[TooLiteral]

He came back. Acting like nothing happened. Apologized for the lightbulb. My nerves are raw. My body sore from sobbing. Eyes bloodshot and head deep in a migraine.

But he's sorry about the lightbub.

I have so many emotions. Rage, confusion, fear, apathy, indignation, shock.... all swirled up inside me. I can't even look at him. The words "I'm sorry about the lightbulb..." just keep ringing in my head.

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry you're in this situation, TooLiteral. Do you know what is keeping you from moving on?

[TooLiteral]

I'm sorry you're in this situation, TooLiteral. Do you know what is keeping you from moving on?

Fear. Our son is high functioning autistic. I homeschool him. How can I work and homeschool him at the same time? How can I provide for us? What would our lives look like? When we divorce, my spouse will have time alone with him. He's already so mean to him while I'm around. I can't protect him if he's alone with his father. I have an autoimmune disease on top of all this. It all seems so impossible.

[Poison Ivy]

Oh, dear. That is a lot to deal with. I understand your fears.

[Happytobefree]

Ohmygoodness!  How horrific for you!!  He's sorry about the lightbulb.  WTAF?!?!

I don't have any practical advice since I don't have kids but I'm glad you recognize his fuckwittery at least.  I wish for you strength and peace as you decide on how to move forward in your relationship!

Huge virtual hugs!!!!

[11JB68]

My Updh has made vague suicidal comments in the past. My understanding from reading etc is that this can be seen as a form of manipulation/emotional abuse/attempt to control you.
I also understand the not wanting him to be alone with your son. I had similar fears when my son was young and I thought of leaving.
I also know from personal experience that there are always reasons/fears that keep us stuck. My ds is 23 and I'm still here.....

[IcedCoffee]

I think you have to be very careful with threats of suicide. With BPDs the stats for successful suicide are horrendous. My understanding (and this certainly makes sense to me) is that suicide attempts, threats and self harm are more likely to be self soothing actions.

[notrightinthehead]

TooLiteral,  it seems you are financially totally dependent. It also seems that emotionally you are in a state of high alert and confusion. And it seems that at this point in time you are not in a position to make life changing decisions. You are aware that what you describe above is abuse. Sexual and emotional. You are frozen with fear.  I have been there.

Your first step needs to be to get yourself some support. You could start meditating for 10 minutes several times a day, preferably guided meditations. I used a 8 minute one for panic attacks. It helped me to find some calmness within myself, sometimes just for a few seconds. With practise I became more centred within myself. You could try to find an (online) self help group for abused women. Or find a CoDA group and attend. Or a social worker or a counsellor.
The next step is to go and look for support for your son.  He will also be affected by the unpleasantness your husband creates at home. Is there any support for him? Can he attend a formal setting for brief periods? Once a week? This way, he can be out of the house and experience 'normal' people for a short period. What options are there for him?
The third step is to look at your options to gain some financial independence. What can you do? What do you need to do to be able to start a small nest egg that will eventually enable you to leave, should you choose to do so?  Which skills do you have, which skills do you need to acquire? You are home schooling your son.  Would you be able to school more children? Tutor?  Day care?

Maybe all of the above is completely irrelevant for you, but you get the idea. You need to make a plan. And please study the toolbox again and apply, apply, apply.

As for the suicide threats - you are not in a position to deal with that. Call the professionals. Call the suicide help line. Call the police.  Let the professionals deal with it. You have enough on your plate. You cannot be responsible for the behaviour of another adult.

[Boat Babe]

Dear Too literal. Firstly this is beyond sucky behaviour and I understand how awful you are feeling. All the advice above is solid and I think that the first thing you need to do is start to really look after yourself, and your son.  I know you feel you are stuck but with a bit of time, research and planning you probably aren't. But that is for the future.

For now, you need to self care like a champion and learn to manage YOURSELF when your husband becomes abusive. So please check out the toolbox here. Secondly, I would advise you to contact a Domestic Violence agency asap for support and legal information. Thirdly, get legal advice, possibly through the DV people.

Your situation is difficult because of your son but it certainly isn't impossible. So take good care of yourself and arm yourself with information. We have got your back and many folk here have good, practical knowledge of the issues pertaining to children and the law.

Sending hugs and best wishes.

[1footouttadefog]

I got the threats to leave for a very long time.  I still get them. 

At some point I grabbed a few hundred dollars I had saved up.  I packed him a suitcase then presented him with suitcase and money and suggested he drive to where we used to live and hang out a few days to think things over.  I told him I would be doing the same. 

Mine lives in his past and always wanted to move back to where he had last uprooted me from.  It was always me who was having friendships and career path derailed. 

I got a lot fewer threats after that.  I understand you have threats to contend with.  I agree with others that they be left to professionals when they arise directly.

On the other hand of you are being told  you are causing the threats removing yourself a while seems an option to reduce risks.

I am glad he is sorry about the light bulb.  I can totally feel that statement and all it does to not apologize to you. All it does to disregard the a use and emotion al aftermath of his temper tantrum.

Be safe and try to take care of yourself.

[CagedBirdSinging]

Hello TooLiteral, I only just spotted your message. I could relate so strongly to the incident you related. It read like a typescript of a conversation between pd and I - perhaps minus the lightbulb (he would be more inclined to be passive aggressive}.

I am so sorry for what you're going through. It absolutely sucks. I read your previous post on sexual coercion and could also relate very strongly. It is a horrible feeling when sex is weaponised, and when your refusal is taken personally and used as an excuse for verbal/emotional abuse. I used to dread intimacy with pdH, and if I refused then he would subject me to a torrent of the exact same crap you describe here. You come across as a loving and kind person, and I know how deeply it hurts to be accused of being otherwise.

In my case I left a few months ago, with my kids. I am now in a similar dilemma in that he is ramping up his demands for custody, and I am terrified to leave the kids alone with him. I'm on the verge of thinking 'sod it, I'll go back, it would be less hassle and less stressful'... but then I think about the sex. It honestly is the thing that holds me back. I cannot go back to that. No matter how stressful things are now, at least I can sleep peacefully in my bed at night.

What I wanted to say is; have you read 'Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist?' It is really helpful, in terms of helping to think about self care, self love, and new ways of dealing with the pd. I am finding it really useful, and it is helping to centre my thoughts and calm me down. You can get it on Kindle on your phone, as I am guessing you need to read in private.

Other than that, I am just sending love and solidarity to you and your lovely son.
Mind yourself. There will be brighter days ahead x

[TooLiteral]

In my case I left a few months ago, with my kids. I am now in a similar dilemma in that he is ramping up his demands for custody, and I am terrified to leave the kids alone with him. I'm on the verge of thinking 'sod it, I'll go back, it would be less hassle and less stressful'... but then I think about the sex. It honestly is the thing that holds me back. I cannot go back to that. No matter how stressful things are now, at least I can sleep peacefully in my bed at night.

What I wanted to say is; have you read 'Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist?' It is really helpful, in terms of helping to think about self care, self love, and new ways of dealing with the pd. I am finding it really useful, and it is helping to centre my thoughts and calm me down. You can get it on Kindle on your phone, as I am guessing you need to read in private.

This is absolutely one of my greatest fears; leaving im alone with my spouse. But then I think about, like you said, the constant nagging about intimacy.... it makes me sick to my stomach.

I will look up that book. I listen to books on Audible alot, so that would work out well for me. Thank you. 😊❤

[Boat Babe]

We have members here who are still stuck with,  or have left, abusive, disordered spouses 20 / 30+ years on.  None of them recommend it, especially as far as the children are concerned. 

One of the main reasons I am not NC with my uBPDmum mother is that she left my violent, dangerous father when I was six and saved us both. Things were pretty shit for many years after (poverty, homelessness, mum's mental health etc but not as shit as if we'd stayed). I will NEVER forget my mother's screams downstairs while I was alone in my bedroom, or my mother in tears and bleeding. I was about five.

[JustKeepTrying]

TooLiteral,

Boy, can I relate to your post.  Your conversation is almost word for word what I heard over the course of my decades-long marriage.  It's weird how close these stories mirror each other across all the boards.  I too have a high-functioning autistic son as well as a DD with dyslexia and another DD who I suspect is somewhere on the PD spectrum.

I walked out with only the stuff I could fit in my car.  I picked up my son and stayed with a friend for a few days until I could find a place.  I was prepared to move into metro housing in the slums and food stamp it.  I didn't care.  I still don't but for me, it was the absolute best.

For your autoimmune consider reading My Body Keeps Score.  I think you will find it interesting.

As for sex, a taboo subject sometimes but so vital to our daily lives, I am still struggling with it - it was never reciprocal during my marriage.  And I too would dred those comments on the following days.  Ugh.

You found your way here.  You are asking questions.  Just please make sure you and your son are physically safe.  I know I read on the boards that people took a few months and video taped via their cell their partner to document abuse.  Talk to a lawyer and know your rights. 

Good luck and it really sucks you are in this mess.