Top three worse things PD parent has done to you?

[MamaDryad]

I hope it's okay that I split this up. My relationship with her is (was?) just so different as an adult than as a child, so her behaviors changed once I grew up. Things like:

1. Refusing to honor the first (and for a long time, only) boundary I set with her: don't call me after 5pm. She never stopped testing that boundary, even after long periods of NC and attempts at reconciliation-- she'd violate it like clockwork within two weeks. She had to prove that she was in charge. Before she claimed to be in recovery, she'd say that she wasn't drinking that particular night (because you can just take a night off from a five decade long daily drinking habit with no consequences), so she thought the boundary didn't apply. After she supposedly got into recovery, when she did it again (and yes, I'd made it clear that even if she wasn't drinking, I still needed that boundary to feel safe), then it was because it was one of the handful of nights she'd relapsed, and that only happened when she was telling someone about how much I'd hurt her (i.e. it was all my fault she drank, just like in childhood). She also called boundaries "barriers," which is actually hilarious to me in some moods.

2. Saying loudly to my mother in law that she didn't understand why my wife and I were bothering with all this sperm donor nonsense; I should just go get myself knocked up by some handsome stranger, since it's not like I hadn't f*ed men before! (Not that I need to defend myself here, but for context, my wife and I had been together and monogamous for more than a decade at this point in time).

3. Making the two weeks overdue I went with my son, my traumatic labor and emergency C section with him, and my postpartum time all about her and her needs and anxieties. When I made the mistake of inviting her and her awful mother to visit and meet the baby when he was around two weeks old, she punished me for making her wait so long by doing things like drunk-calling people (my in-laws, parents of my childhood friends whom she hadn't talked to in decades) to tell them that I still looked nine months pregnant at two weeks postpartum, and standing idly by and then denying it later when my grandmother poked me an inch from my two-week-old incision site while saying "what's this?" in reference to my still-not-totally-flat belly.

[Hazy111]

As others have said, for many its not major abuse its just long term emotional abuse. Its death by a thousand cuts. Ignored, not encouraged, criticised to destruction shamed and guilted.

There was never any true unconditional love. Everything is conditioned and you learnt from a small dependent infant. Dont upset your mon or dad. Put them first. I disassociated everything else. So no memories.

I remember being at infants school , maybe 5 or 6 and i had made  a mistake in my school book, which i tried to rub out with my wet finger and made it worse .  I can still feel the crippling  fear and dread that i was going to get a real telling off from the teacher. But it never came , but i was conditioned to expect it by my home experiences.

[Twinkletoes88]

OOhh what a question... only 3?? 

I would say...

1) Saying that I "made up" the sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of her then boyfriend "for attention";
2) Telling me she could no longer take me to my hospital appointment the day before to remove pre-cancerous cells when I was only 25 because she "needed to buy some shoes" and then laughing when I looked at her in shock;
3) Turning me against my father for my entire life until I got therapy and saw sense at 25 years old.. oh and one for luck;
4) Always trying to ruin everything good in my life, most importantly trying to ruin my marriage by telling me that my now husband didn't love me, wouldn't ever marry me and had probably had a secret vasectomy as he would not want children with me.

[DaisyGirl77]

Top three...  Wow.  I'll try to narrow it down.

1.  Switching a (shared with my sisters & me) storage unit without telling us first then when I called in a panic cuz all our stuff was gone, she exploded & wouldn't say where they were, just that everything was "safe".  That set off a 2.5 year NC period after I recovered my things from her because she refused to see why she was wrong.  (I'm permanently NC with her; coming up on 4 years now.)

2.  Blaming, shaming, & holding me responsible for things that happened to her before I was born, me BEING born (I was an "oops"), not being the doll she thought she was getting, & then the permanent rage toward me for over 25 years & counting for being so completely at odds with her expectation of me v. what she wanted.

3.  Ripping my gifts to shreds (via words) in front of guests, realizing she'd lost the plot, then put on a fake smile for her audience.  (Unfortunately, we speak another language, & these guests did not know this language so she got away with it.  But they knew something was very wrong based on our body language & her subsequent reaction.)

Bonus:

4.  When my parents' marriage was in the early throes of dissolving, my father ran off to be with his biker group & told us that he was working instead.  Our elderly family dog chose this first day of his disappearance to collapse.  (This dog's particular breed was my father's dream dog; he chose her out of the litter, etc.)  My incandescent uNM called the vet & made the appointment to euthanize her, sat us down & told us what she'd done, then became irate when I told her I refused to be party to this--that this dog deserved to say goodbye to her master.  She told my sisters that I'd be solely responsible for keeping her fed & watered & taking her outside so she could relieve herself for the two days before my father returned from his secret weekend getaway.  I was told to call & cancel the appointment since I'd "taken full responsibility" for this dog.  So I did.  For two days, I made sure her needs were met, & my sisters helped when they could.  She was put to sleep 2 days after Dad returned.

[all4peace]

This thread has been challenging to read and process. What struck me was the poster who listed things they tell others when explaining NC and things that actually led to NC. That resonated so deeply with me.

As I continue to work through the tangles of childhood and the way it's connected with my adult life, I know the things that "justify" my near-estrangement from my parents to others, but sometimes I think it's really the "not seeing", "not hearing," "not delighting" in their children that did the most damage.

What is easier to understand?
--"My mom beat me on a regular basis to the point of bruising"
--"I cannot remember a single time in my childhood when my mom's face lit up to see me enter the room"

It helped me understand why sometimes when I'm telling my story I choose the things that don't actually feel like the most damaging parts of childhood. They're simply the things that "count" with other people.


I've seen this with my siblings also. My sister has only recently admitted to remember a single thing from childhood and her comment is "Getting knocked around didn't affect me." But it hurt her badly to be mistrusted and unbelieved by our mother at a time in her teen years when she needed a mother who trusted and believed her.

Same with one brother. He remembers our M hitting, slapping and kicking our F while our F was driving us all in the car, regularly, but what makes him really sad is that she simply won't pick up the phone and call my B and ask about his life, or be proud of his adulthood accomplishments.

[overitall]

All4peace,

I totally understand your sentiment....my UBPDm almost took joy in negating everything I accomplished in life...I remember being in the 5th grade and the school wanted me to move into the advanced classes; I needed a parent consent form signed (this is obviously the old days!)
My moms response?  "Well I guess you think you're better than the rest of us because you're so smart, huh?"  At this early age I knew there was something definitely wrong with her because most parents would been jumping up and down with pride...nope, not her...it infuriated her.....pretty much the story of my entire life....I used to try to figure out what I could do to make her happy, but there was never to be any happiness with me being involved....she just does not like me...she never did and she never will....I made myself safe and removed myself from her life....to this day, I cringe when I overhear negative comments that people off-handenly make to their kids....ouch

[eternallystuck]

Made me homeless during my most important exam period which after several homeless spells at her enforcement, made me have to live in a youth hostel around ppl I most definitely did not belong.

Moved house & 'forgot' to tell me id no longer have a room (but the GC siblings would, go figure)

Thrown my rape back in my face & blamed it on me. Also thrown my abortion in my face at every opportunity


Wow as I type this I realise I am completely fuckin justified in despising my mother.

[PeanutButter]

Thank you for this topic. I found this releasing to type and post this for witnesses to see. Ive only ever discussed these with H and T
Trigger for physical and verbal abuse
My ubpdM
1 During the first several years of being a teen the physical abuse changed from belt and switch whippings to repeated smackings in the face while simultaneously calling me curse words that meant sexually promiscuous. This even though she kept me a 'prisoner' in 'her' house. I only ever went to school and church. (Eventually refused to go to church then only school) I had never even held hands with a boy let alone any thing else. I was terribly shy and late bloomer.
2 She raged, walked away, and then gave me silent treatment when as an adult i asked her about this abuse of me; no apology of course.
3 She waged a campaign to alienate my DS from me starting when he was a very young age (younger than 7). Resulting I believe in nightmares, night terrors, and him talking to me about very adult ideas and matters that robbed him of his innocence.

[theonetoblame]

spat in my face and screamed that she hated me and wished they had never adopted me (about 9 years old)

lured me in to what seemed like, perhaps the first ever, calm rational conversation after I had tried with all my might to run away (about 11). Then, just as I was starting to relax, pulled a 4 foot long stick out from behind her chair and chased me around the house beating me with it while my father sat there calmly and watched as though it was the most normal thing in the world. cuz, you know, that's how to make a kid feel like they want to be there 

made arrangements to have a school teacher take me to a group home and use thinly veiled threats that they would leave me there if I didn't 'behave' at home. Behaving was really about submitting and expressing my unwavering love to people I was terrified of (10 years old)

pinned me on the ground repeatedly and yelled in my face so loud that my ear drums would reverberate like a blown speaker (ongoing from early childhood until I was 10 and finally managed to fight my way out of it)

told me repeatedly she wished I was a girl

And other things....

In keeping with a post above, I don't have a single memory of ever being told I was a good kid... As a young adult an adult who knew me as a kid exclaimed once when I hinted that I was a problem child (I was still internalizing), "hey -- that's not true at all, you were a good kid!". It was the first time anyone had said this to me and it is burned in my memory forever.

[Adria]

1. Stole my house and my equity, and smeared my name all over town to cover up what my dad did.

2. Tried to buy my kids away from me with my inheritance.

3. Threw my son in a mental institution when he went to visit them and didn't tell me.

4. Never told me when my mom died.

[Moxie890]

Yikes, reading this thread is tough! It is a good reminder that we are not alone.

Like another member said... In addition to physical abuse (that lasted until I was an adult and threatened to press assult charges):

1. Lies, lies and more lies.
2. The isolation. She set it up so that she would be the only person I could "trust" or turn to. She bad mouthed absolutely everyone else in my family, and would give me a hard time for showing affection or too much interest in other family members. She would accuse me of being disloyal. The isolation extended to my dad, who she spent my whole life trying to get me to hate. She would tell me all sorts of horrible things about him, like he was unhappy to learn she was pregnant with me, or awful sexual things.
3. Absolutely no boundaries. I was literally not aloud to tell her "no". I had no privacy whatsoever. Not physically, socially, emotionally... You name it. If she wanted to touch me, she was going to touch me. If she wanted to go through my things, she was going to. If she wanted to walk in on me undressed, using the toilet or hell breastfeeding as an adult, she was going to even if I asked her not to.

All of this worked together to destroy my self-esteem 

Now that I am an adult, married with kids, she attempted to draw my family in, and that's when I decide to go NC.

[blacksheep7]

1- My NF rages, hitting and always threatening to kick us out. No affection what so ever.  We grew up in fear.

2- When I came back home at 21 heartbroken from my first love, major depression I didn't have any empathy from NM.  When I told her that she didn't understand for something she said, I got slapped.  That, I never forgot.

3- My brother got married on the 7-7-2007 and NF wanted to leave the wedding  to play at the casino before midnight because it was lucky seven.  My father was around 80 so he didn't a car anymore, I was their driver.  I was having a blast on top of that But I was blindsided and a dutiful daughter, I left.

4 - My NM revenge when I went nc the first time, just to hurt me.  I was in the hospital twice with seizures during that time, unstable on my feet for 6 months, she never called me or dh for news.

[Penny20657]

I came to this post to read common experiences and also to see if anyone else's experiences triggered memories for me, as I have very few recollections of treatment from my uNM. I have lately felt like I need the reminders of her abuse to keep my perspective as I continue my journey to come Out of the FOG.

1) My major one, that even if I'm trying to explain the abuse to someone who doesn't know my mom/history, I typically downplay and have only recently been able to call it what it was:
My mom "secretly" plotting my kidnapping for months but informing me (then 12) of the general plan, to the extent that I said goodbye to my two best friends, but was forbidden to speak to my father about because doing so would ruin her life because my father would obviously try to prevent her from moving me across the country (she said this was because she needed to be with her family for their support during her divorce). The day of my 13th birthday was the day my dad met us at the hotel we were staying in (our house had just sold and my mom had already put all our things on a train (I think) to go across the country) so that he could spend the day with me, my mom took me to the car after telling my dad what she was doing and my dad was crying and tried to stop her by holding the car door open and he nearly got run over. He did go to the police but they told him they couldn't do anything, and this was a few years before the amber alert.

2) As another poster mentioned, refused to provide her information in my applications for university so that I could obtain financial aid and scholarships, and now I know it was also so that I would pick the university close to home so that I didn't live in residence since I couldn't afford that plus tuition. I ended up working throughout university (unlike most of my peers who only worked summers), which turned out in my favour anyway as I was able to afford to pay my own tuition (my mom and grandma helped a bit in the first year only) and buy a car.
I later took the money I had saved and decided I wanted to move out. My mom came with me to look at condos but clearly didn't think I would actually buy one, as when I decided on one to purchase she raged and said it was a bad idea. I was full of guilt but knew I had to get out of her house (at 22). The realtor said most people are emotional selling a home not buying one when I cried in his office signing the purchase agreement.

3) The general emotional/mental abuse. I was/am constantly being told I am selfish, ungrateful, just like my father, etc., but was also highly praised for any accomplishments (good grades, university acceptance, promotions, baby, etc) and as a result (as I'm sure like many people here) the contrast has left me dealing with some self-esteem issues, inability to accept/acknowledge compliments, and trust issues. I find compliments downright uncomfortable and I have trouble making close friendships.

[Fortuna]

Constant thread seems to be "denied it ever happened". WOW Just wow. This is exactly what I get. I can catch Dad out lying, making things up, generally being bad and a day later he manages to sweep it under the carpet.

My mom can flat out deny anything..practically as she's doing it.

[gcj07a]

uBPm:

1. Regularly told me that Jesus was very sad that I didn't love my Mommy better and implied that I would go to Hell if I didn't figure out how to love her better.

2. When I was 5 I walked in on her beating my older brother with a belt---this was far beyond just a simple spanking. I told her to stop or I would call 911. She ran out of the room screaming that she knew she was a horrible mother and that she might as well kill herself.

3. Has regularly suggested (openly, mind you) that my oldest daughter (4) is perfect and that my middle daughter (3) is awful and needs to be spanked constantly (we don't spank) and that my middle daughter would grow up to have a child out of wedlock.

[blistering]

1. After my father had died when I was 14, she told me I don't cry enough and don't grieve him in the right way, so she will hang herself and 'in heaven' tell my father that I never loved him.

2. Hit me in the face a couple of times until I fell on the floor and got a nosebleed, then just walked away and never apologised. I was maybe 10 years old and this happened a few times.

3. Yelled at me that I am abnormal because I am single and that men don't want me because I'm dirty and disgusting.

[Jenny134]

1) When I had a miscarriage after years of trying for a baby I was devastated. She told me it was nothing. Went on to say her periods were erratic when she was younger, often going 10 weeks (which is the point I miscarried) or more between, which probably meant she had had loads of miscarriages.
Went to her birthday meal a few days later to take my mind off it and she told me I shouldn't have come, took the limelight away from her. She was the one who had told everyone, I hadn't mentioned it.
Then when I was pregnant again several months later and told her, no response, just glared at me with anger. When baby was born no help from her, just undermined me constantly and bullied me to give up breast feeding as she found it embarrassing.

2) Ruined my graduation day from university by raging at me because my dad was nervous
I apparently hadn't made enough allowances for him and wasn't able to answer the 50 questions he wanted answering about what the day involved in order to calm his nerves. I had no idea what the day involved it was my first time too.

3) Ruined my engagement party (that I paid for) by planning a bust up between my dad and his brothers in revenge for something from years before, that ultimately led to a fight in the car park. Used my 13 year old brother to instigate it. Afterwards scapegoated my brother and his cousin and took no responsibility. Only comment from her was, oh I think your fiancés uncle might have witnessed it, what will he think
He has treat me like trash ever since.

Could give lots more examples, particularly from my childhood where she sought to terrify me on a daily basis when I was too young to know better. How she caused me to have anxiety problems then got my dad to beat it out of me. Deprived me of security, clothing,  parentified me. Destroyed all my friendships and taught my siblings to hate each other. My only worth was good grades which they could brag about to relatives.

When her own mother died quickly after an accident the only thing she said was 'I'm an orphan now'. No compassion for my Nan. She was 60 years old and hated her parents. Even complained about fetching my Nan a loaf of bread when she was in her 80s.

She destroyed my confidence and self esteem. Made me feel I was inherently a bad person if I didn't please her. Made me do all cleaning and cooking and babysitting from age 10, with never so much as a thank you.

Now in my 40s she has scapegoated me because my political beliefs are different to hers. Made the whole family turn on me, abuse me and threaten me. This is after 40 years of bad mouthing them all to me and telling me I'm the only one who cares about her. I still struggle with it all daily but am now NC which is leading to a calmer, happier life.

Not as shocking as some and my heart goes out to you all, but it's the insidious nature of the abuse that ruined my life for so many years.

[Mathilda]

So many sad stories ... I think these are my worst 3.
As for father: he had a fight with my mother, ran into my room and kicked at the dolls bed I was playing with. It broke into pieces. I was 4 years old and absolutely shocked. Slapped me in the face at the dinnertable because he thought my table manners weren't decent enough.
As for mother: she had made curtains for my first appartment, without asking me first. If she had asked, I could have told her I wanted to go buy blinds. I didn't like the curtains and when I told her I wanted blinds she got a terrible tantrum (cat was so afraid that she hid in the litterbox), next accused me of yelling at her and threatened to leave the appartment together with my dad and not giving me any help anymore.
Had to go to the hospital for a breastcancer check, she said she'd call me afterwards. She did, but did not ask about it and only at the end of the call she finally briefly asked how the hospital check went. I was so mad, wanted to shock her by saying 'Yup, I got breastcancer' (sorry for those of you who do have breastcancer, or have friends or relatives with cancer, I know it's a terrible disease, I was just so mad at her for her not asking). But she didn't sound shocked, more .... delighted 
Told her no, everything is fine, but why didn't you ask? She said she suddenly remembered, had completely forgotten about it.

[stasia]

1. Told me "you can live your life after I'm dead." Context: on my therapist's advice, I had told her that I couldn't continue staying overnight at her house to caregive my F (not PD, but severe alcoholic with dementia and a brain injury) and her (recently released from hospital after collapsing from stress of caring for F). I told her I needed to get back to my job and that I missed my partner (who wasn't allowed to come visit me at her house because he - accurately - called her a hoarder to her face) and my cat. That was her response.

2. She gave me silent treatment for about a month - a timeframe which included my birthday - because I told her that I couldn't explain why her car insurance rate had increased and that she should call her agent about that. I didn't call her because, honestly, I was enjoying the break from her constant waifing. She finally broke silent treatment by calling me at work and leaving a voicemail saying only, "stasia, you have to call me, there's been a terrible accident." I had a full blown panic attack because being forced to caregive her is a PTSD trigger for me, and she knows that. The "accident" turned out to be a car bumping her shopping cart in the grocery store parking lot. The only injury was to a bottle of juice. She poked me right in the PTSD, on purpose, to get me to call her. What kills me is at the time I thought I deserved it, because I'd let an entire month go by without checking on my widowed elderly M who has no friends or family left. Now, it makes me angry. Who the hell does that to their kid?

3. She took in a couple of stray cats who'd been hanging around her yard, not knowing that they were both pregnant. Both gave birth inside her house. I insisted on getting the 10 resulting kittens spayed and neutered because otherwise they were going to keep breeding in her house. She fought me hard on this - "I can't take them to the vet and make them have surgery, that will upset them." But I insisted. Of course, that meant *I* had to take them because she wouldn't. She didn't socialize them properly so they all were terrified of people and some were violent. One day, I was trying to grab them and get them into carriers and one attacked me - I had several bites, my arm was scratched up to hell. I was bleeding all over her floor. Her response was, "well, you must have really upset the cat, for him to go after you. Is he OK?" Absolutely zero regard for the fact that her daughter was the one bleeding all over her floor. I ended up having to go to the doctor and was put on horse pill antibiotics because the bite got gross and infected. I had the, uh, usual female side effect from said antibiotics. Then I had a severe allergic reaction to the treatment of the female side effect, the details of which I will spare you all. This all lasted about a month and it was horrible. She didn't care about any of this. Only wanted to make sure that the cat was OK. (BTW, she continues to hoard cats to this day and, when I went NC, the situation had gotten exponentially worse. I don't even want to think about how bad it is right now.)

[StayWithMe]

I insisted on getting the 10 resulting kittens spayed and neutered because otherwise they were going to keep breeding in her house. She fought me hard on this -

That resonates with me.  I believe my mother chooses to do the exact opposite of everything I suggest.

One example, I had moved back to my parents' to look for a job.  So yes, I was keen to help around the house.  My sister was still in high school but my parents never instilled in her any good habits.  so homework was always done lat minute.  My mother had my sister at a nice private school and she got along there socially but my mother said she was tired paying tuition and for tutors.

Ok, so I offered to help my sister with her homework that evening.  My mother took issue with this and insisted that that would not be enough unless I actually did the work so that she copy and turn it in as her own.

I can't remember how this got resolved.  But I really felt at that moment and still do, you can't be seen to be in control unless you make people do things that they don't want to do. I had offered to help ...... so my mother had to up the ante to show that she could get me to do whatever she wanted.

This is why I think it's better to say / share less .....always.  People can't go against if they don't know where you stand.