Moved back in with PD Parent going down hill

[cherrypeach]

I recently moved back home with my parent because I was planning on going to grad school and I just needed a break. I deal with depression and other things as well and it was a bit hard last year and this year so I moved back home. This may sound confusing but I used to live and work overseas but I grew tired of the job and I was planning on going to grad school anyway. My parent also helped convince me to move back home though I was unsure about the move as I knew finding a job in my home country would be hard. 

Well, I've been living home for a few months now and just like I thought all mess has hit the fan. To put it short, we're having arguments again about the smallest things. Today, it was because she accused me of stealing her seasoning. Which I didn't do of course I mean why would I when I have my own seasoning. Because of that, we argued to which she left out the door slamming the door and saying she can't live like this. This is ridiculous bc I don't do anything my days are just me waking up, showering, looking for jobs, studying things, and just sticking to myself. I try to leave her alone bc I know how she is and usually don't want to engage in those things bc I'm not gonna let her talk down to me. After all, she was the one telling me to come home. I could've stayed overseas depressed in a job I didn't like not having to argue every other week with her and having a steady income.

As long as I can remember from my teen years I've been accused of stealing when I've never done anything like that. When I was in middle school, she accused me of giving this foreign exchange boy her computer in trade for his because I had a crush on him. She found out I had a crush on him by reading my passcode locked nintendo ds diary. LOL Which if you know computers this doesn't makes sense bc it would take a ton of time to transfer all the files between the computers (And this was in 2007/2008 so computers were a lot slower compared to now) and I literally went to school and came home everyday. To add to it she was always home bc she didn't work and the only time I was alone was at night which i was usually up just suffering the web and talking on online friends. shes convinced that me ducking under the cameras at night was me hiding something. I was a middle school kid but I wasn't that dumb.

The other time I was accused of stealing was when I was at the end of middle school beginning of high school. I was a pretty good kid who didn't do anything. I would literally lie to get out of parties and get-togethers.  This time I was accused of stealing money (pocket change)  from her. Might have been snobby of me at that time I didn't like to carry change so I rarely kept it around and wouldn't use it. I preferred actual dollars. I also had no reason to steal money because if I went to the mall she would always give me the money I needed. But this caused a lot of arguments because as a teen obviously, I prided myself on being a "good" teen. The kicker after years of being accused of doing this it turns out it was my cousin as the money stopped disappearing when they came around. She actually apologized for this years later (surprise, I know).

But now she's accusing me of stealing her food seasoning (ridiculous). I don't use her food seasoning. We have separate sides to use because she's particular about stuff like that. I told her I wasn't stealing her stuff and she said she knows because one of her seasonings ended up on her side with the cover ripped off. It was there but I didn't do it. I only use a few staple seasonings and I have never used the one she's talking about but I have seen her use it. Anyways, I told her I am not stealing her seasoning and I have no reason to. I also told her "not everyone is out to get her and this isn't a conspiracy against her" To which she got mad and stormed out slamming the door. She was gone for hours and I have anxiety about her being gone for a long time. The last time she did she was in a car accident where she almost died (it wasn't her fault tho).

So I called her repeatedly to see if she's okay. Then she came home and told me to stop calling her multiple times when she doesn't answer. Which I replied I can't because it gives me anxiety when she doesn't answer because of what happened a few years ago.

Somehow the argument turned into us arguing about Covid because despite me telling her how covid works and all the facts, she still wants to go out and be around people. I tell her that she can't be around people like in a get together talking sitting because you don't know who those people have been around. I know a lot about covid because I was in a country that was hit before western countries and the government shared a lot of facts about it with citizens. SWhe told me that the people she's around are safe because they get tested twice a week. And I tried to explain it doesn't matter they can get the virus in between those tests and it might not show up yet or they might not develop symptoms till the next test. 

Now I know it's her choice if she wants to risk getting the virus and I wouldn't care too much if she wasn't bringing me into that risk. I have Asthma and I am uninsured, I know my lungs are weak because they don't handle moderate levels of pollution well. Anyway, I just walked away and said I am removing myself from the argument to which she grumbled under her breath about stuff.

If you read all of this, I'm sorry for it being so long  Idk who to talk to about this and this seemed like the best place

[Thru the Rain]

I wonder which person she wanted to move back "home" with her? Adult you? Or the child you used to be?

Reverting to her old patterns of behavior, like blaming you for *stealing* her seasonings - something that is hard to prove you did or didn't do, but also in the big picture who would really get worked up over something like that?

This is who would make this sort of accusation: Someone who wants to pick a fight (which she did). Someone who wants to unload their anxiety onto you (which she did). Someone who wants to take the childish choice of running off while you practically beg her to respond as an adult (which she did). And don't even get me started on the crazy covid argument!

I discovered the Drama Triangle in a post here on this site a while ago. It doesn't apply in all situations, but it may be helpful in your situation with your M. Google it (also known as the Karpman Drama Triangle) and take a look at your M's behavior as she jumps around that triangle: First "persecutor" as she accuses you of stealing her stuff, then "victim" as she takes off in a huff. Then back to "persecutor" when she (I'm guessing) wants you to take more risks than you feel comfortable with - and I bet there was some "victim" peeking out about how she just wants to live her life and you won't let her.

And the way to disengage from someone in drama-triangle mode is to become an observer rather than a participant. This has helped me with my own M as well as some drama queens at work.

[GettingOOTF]

I am sorry for your situation. I really feel for you. I too was accused of stealing and other things I didn't do as a kid. I was probably the best behaved child out there as I was so scared all the time. I never knew what was waiting for me at home. My mother used to scream at me until I admitted what I did. This was beyond awful as I never knew what I was supposed to admit to so every time I made a wrong guess they screaming and hitting would get worse.

I lived most of my life terrified to do anything and expecting this from others. It impacted my choice in life partners, my career and how I spent my free time.

My experience is that people don't change. I'm almost 50. My family treat me the same way they did when I was 5.

I also suffered from serious depression in my 20s. I think it was a result of all the years of stress growing up.

Over the years I have distanced myself from my family and worked on figuring out who I am.

There is nothing you can do to convince people like this of the truth. You can only remove yourself from the situation or refuse to engage.  It's not you or anything you are doing.

[Stardust1982]

Cheery peach, I am very sorry about your situation. If it makes you feel a slight bit better, I have the same story: moved from abroad to my mother's home and I'm looking for work. Your mother sounds overly abusive (although she might be covert too you didn't say too much about her).

I don't know if this will help you but what I usually do is to get the heck out of the house. I found this method perfect for me, it helps me tolerate my ridiculously needy and controlling mother. So I get up, do my meditations, mindset work, try to be in a good headspace, eat and go straight to the local library. Ours is still open now although you are forced to wear a mask (i don't care as long as I can be there). I have the best time there, the library workers are so nice and normal. Whenever I am out of the house (this happens daily), I feel like I reinforce physical boundaries between me and her and it truly helps me. This is an idea to look into it.. The more often you are out of the house, the easier it gets to tolerate her. Being out and about is also good for your mental health. We were not meant to stay indoors, we need fresh air and nature walks to feel better.

You seem in a scared mindset-just remember that she is personality disordered and her illness (it is mental illness) is all about her. It has nothing to do with you. Have you read 'Stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist'? It will help you-especially with your need to check up on her when she is out of the house. It is not your duty to make sure she is fine. If she gets into another accident it is totally ON her.

About your asthma and lungs: look into colloidal silver (nebulize with it or use a humidifier). Colloidal silver (it has to be pure) strengthens your immune system and helps your lungs tremendously. I got rid of sinusitis because of it and have suffered since 2005. I have online friends who got rid of covid with it.

Stay safe

[Nomoretoday]

I'm currently in the same situation just for different reasons. When my dad died my husband and I moved home to help her. I knew she was disordered but thought she had changed. Instead Im getting the old her. The insulting abusive her. I have horses and when I moved home years ago she kept my purebreds. I left and she even put them in her name. Came back home and had to leave one with her. Tried years later to get her back and she wouldn't let me. She's enjoyed the horses but now no longer wants them. Instead she wants me to take them. Which is fine, two will have to be put down. Both are old and have health issues and I feel it would be better to humanely euthanize them than to wait until their in complete pain. She won't allow me to while I'm here.
Also I cook for her when she'll let me and do most of the housework except fold her clothes because she is particular about it. She told me tonight I fooled my Dad. I asked her how and she couldn't reply. I didn't fool my Dad, I still do stuff for her. I was fighting cancer and am still having issues. She refuses to let me to most of the stuff I did and got pissed about it, told my sister I treated her like a child. Now she's mad I'm not doing it all again. She's accused us of taking her stuff when the opposite is the truth. She been stealing our stuff. She's been in our room numerous times but says she hasn't. Unfortunately my sister told me she was in our room nosing around while they were on the phone with each other.
She will abuse me verbally including the joking insults and then spew, "but I'm your mother." I don't care she's my mother, abuse is abuse and I'm not a child who has to take it. We had lives up there, health insurance, and didn't need to move but I felt she needed me and now she doesn't. I've given up and trying to get her to eat healthy. I've given up on trying to get her to play cards or anything like that she refuses. Shes rude and just an ugly person.
I wish I could give you good advice, I can't. I can send you a virtual hug and hope you the best.

[Lili.on.the.rocks]

I so understand you...after escaping to another country and going NC with my mother, i got the sooo missed peace of mind back. 
Yet every year as i come home for Christmas i want to meet her but i stay either at my sisters or with my boyfriend or in a flat that is under construction, just to avoid staying at hers.

This year though i was forced because of pandemic to stay a night at her place and boy how it triggered me. The next day was my flight, and after coming home i stayed literally two days in bed and was so happy finding this community. I didn't realize what a massive impact this woman still has on my mental health just by staying at her cluttered place overnight.

Never ever am i staying at her place again. 

I understand, that under normal circumstances and not under pandemic, i could have rented a hotel as a quick fix, so i a approach myself with compassion.
It is just a proof, a lesson, that people like that really don't change .

All the best!