10 years of hate, pain, tears. I don’t want to feel rejected anymore.

[Freebird228]

The family I married into

When my husband (now) first got together, his mother and I were "close", We would talk on the phone, go on the boat, she would say "love yall" to my husband and I. She believed in a different type of ... religion? at the time. I remember drinking arbor mist in her neighbor's pool because that's all she would drink. All of the good didn't last as long as the bad has.

My husband and I were not together very long before I moved into his house. He worked out of state, so he offered for me to stay at his place. His brother ended up moving in for a short time when he split with his wife. There were times when his ex would drop his two little girls off and in the mornings, he would be passed out, not hearing the baby (18mo?) crying. There was a time where I walked backed into the brothers room to find the baby and as I opened the door she had a used condom in her mouth. I was terrified. I think that's when I really started to dislike him, unfortunately. Don't get me wrong, we had fun times together (couple). He's a great person when he is not using drugs. He's funny and will make you laugh. One day I looked into his room (yes I know, I should have respected his privacy). But I found an entire quart size bag of coke. I immediately took a picture and called my husband, and told him. My husband called brother and he said that I must of filled the bag up with sugar. That I'm lying about. Husband didn't know what to believe. That is when the MIL got involved. She didn't believe me either. Wanted to have a "meeting" about it and husband was still out of state so I didn't have a meeting with her. It would be two against one and I knew I would be pinned to the corner.



Now mind you, when I got with my husband, I was not aware he was into drugs. He knew that I was against it, so he tried to hide it from me for the longest time. But he is a dead giveaway. And every time, I would get mad and flip. One of the things that saved my husband, (BF at the time) is that he would go out of town and be away from it. So he could get clean. He would be gone for 6-8 weeks but the second he came back, that is what he would do. I would still flip out. I called every single one of his drug dealers, threatening them that I would call the cops if he sells to him again. Now yes, I am very aware, that he was making the choice to use. It wasn't the dealers "fault" but less dealers, less addicts. Atleast that was my thought process at the time, my wise 20 year old self.



So my boyfriend and I at the time, got pregnant 9 months into our relationship. 9 months. I was 20 and he was 23 at the time. We didn't know what we were going to do. Our relationship was already rocky with one being long distance for the majority of those 9 months. Mind you, I have a very handsome husband. He is defiantly a looker. And he was defiantly a flirt especially with him working out of town. I caught him a couple of times talking to other chicks while I was pregnant trying to "get with them". And of course, I would flip out... I am very reactionary if you haven't been able to figure that out yet. And yes, I understand that being reactionary is not a good characteristic. Trust me, I'm working on it. 

My husband was still working out of town while I was pregnant and when he would come home, he would use again. And when I was 8 months pregnant, we had one of many of our huge fights and I told him that if he doesn't stop using, he will not be in his kids life. Would I say that to him all over again today? Absolutely. The cycle had to stop somewhere. My husband's parents were both crack heads. There were very bad domestic abuse on both ends during the short period of their marriage. And then my husband had an addiction. They cycle was going to stop with my son. And just to add, my husband and I had very different upbringings. He had that type of childhood, where mine I was raised in church. My father was a pastor and I was mandated to attend every Wednesday and Sunday church until I was atleast 18. Now, I am not saying I was perfect. I partied. Tried my own share of drugs (thank god never got addicted). But I wasn't perfect. I made many mistakes myself.



Fast forward to 2 days before I delivered our son, we went on vacation with his family. All was well until the last night when I found drugs on my boyfriend at the time. I was so upset and had my friend come get me. I packed all my stuff up and moved in with my mom all in one night. (she obviously didn't live far) Two days later I was sent to the hospital for high BP and they were wanting to induce me. I called him and let him know so he could be there. He was there, at my side and was the best supporter. I was scared. He was scared. But we created one beautiful baby boy who we both instantly fell in love with. MIL comes in the hospital to meet her "grandson" and it was like a dark cloud came into the room. ( Now mind you, who knows what my boyfriend said to his mom that night I left vacay early. Because he didn't want anyone to know he was using. So, I'm sure he made it seem like I was nuts, crazy and on and on. Again, a 23 year old boy with a drug addiction. What do you expect?) She wouldn't hold our son. My step mom was holding him and asked if she wanted to hold him and she said "no im good, I don't do babies". Which I get, some people just simply don't like babies. And that is fine. But she showed no interest. Kept saying how she only likes them when they are 4-5 and that our son didn't look like my boyfriend. Which you can ask ANYONE, our first baby looks more like my husband than me I sometimes question if I am even the mother..



We moved in for a month or so after our son was born with my mom (who mind you is a grandma fallen straight from heaven). She loves every single one of her grandkids the same from the moment they took their first breath still till this day. We ended up moving to a different county because BF got a new job. And we needed to get away, because BF was still using. Which meant what.. can you take a guess? Me freaking out, us fighting, and him most likely calling his mommy telling her all about it. But instead of his mom ever trying to help her son get clean, she just ignored it. Because he was still able to hold a job, make money, buy a house. So, she did not blink an eye at it.  So, by this time, MIL and I were awkward, but never had harsh words between each other... YET.



MIL and his (drug addicted) brother would come over seldomly, and it was very awkward even then. When she would come over we wouldn't even look at each other let alone talk to each other. One weekend BF brother and his GF came over to "hang out". Our son was about three months at this time. And my boyfriend was doing great. Wasn't using.. clean, sober.. being an amazing dad. His brother brought him drugs, and I.... FLIPPED. I packed our stuff and I said I was moving back home. During the time I was gone, brother and GF were found shooting up in our bathroom. They left the needle on the bathroom floor. My BF and I made up.. I moved back but I was done with his brother. Him and I had gotten into it quite a few times after that. And I can speak some venom. When people hurt me, I want them to hurt. What a sadist I sound like, huh?  No really, I do love people. I really do. But when my kids are in the middle, I will fuck some shit up.



Fast forward to our son being 7 months old and my BFs other brother (who is clean) and his GF come to move in with us. She always acted like she was my BFF. Like she had my best interest at heart. Little did I know, any time my BF and I would have an argument, she would run back to my MIL and tell her. Stirring the pot. So I eventually found out, addressed her about it, and she freaked out, threw a fit and moved back home. Which meant the brother went too. Of course trashing me to anyone who would listen. And of course my MIL loved hearing it. It wasn't coming out of her mouth. So her hands were clean.



Sons first birthday.. like I said earlier, my MIL had a weird view on religion. She didn't celebrate any holidays including birthdays, so why she and the drug addicted brother and GF came, who knows. It was awkward when they showed up of course, but I was fine. It wasn't about me, it was about my sons first birthday. I happened to walk into my bathroom as I saw the brother handing my boyfriend pills. And it was game over. I was going off on him. MIL didn't like it. She grabbed my arm, wouldn't let go, and we ended up getting into a physical altercation. Domestic dispute whatever the hell you want to call it. My boyfriend freaked out and told everyone to leave. MIL was pissed that he didn't tell me to leave. However, I lived there.. but she took that as him picking me over him. Now,  Am I proud of it? HELL NO. Do I wish that I calmly asked my boyfriend to ask them to leave? OF COURSE. Do I wish I could change that day? I wish that EVERYDAY.



After that instance, there was no contact for a good three years, at least. Three years later, my husband and I planned to elope and get married. So we tried to make amends. We still had our guard up, hers more than me.. She always told me that she carries grudges to her grave.  Which sucks, because I am an awful grudge holder. I wish I was better at it. Anyway, things were "good" for about two years. Everyone got along. We moved back home, close to her. Very close to her.. but it was all good.



We had our second child, who she showed more interest than she did our first one. She was more "involved" but I've always felt that because of her hate for me, she could never really love my children. Our children. Fast forward to when my second son was 16 months old, I was out of town and MIL and FIL were over with a couple of their friends. MIL kept offering and letting my 16 month old drink her beer. Which I am not okay with. I have my reasons.. I addressed her about it, and shit hit the fan. I mean no fight this time, but she couldn't handle being accountable for her actions. So since she is unable to own up to her shit, she leaves, walks away. And not just from me, from her son, grandchildren. Like they are just things to her. Something could so easily throw away.



Two and half years go by with no contact with her. And when I say no contact, like blocks my husbands calls. Wont talk to him. Shes very good at that. Forgetting people. But after that time period we tried again. Things were "ok"for about a year. We would hang with her at her vacation rental, house, boat etc. She would make snarky remarks about me that I picked up on but I never said anything. I let it go. I was me, like I was the time before that, and the time before that. Now, mind you when we went no contact for three years the first time, that is when my husband stopped using. He wasn't around his brother. He wasn't looking for it. And he kicked an addiction that could have killed not only him but our family, our children, our life.

So things are all "good" right? I mean I put my whole heart into it. She never did. She didn't like me around. She hates that now nine years later my husband and I are together with three beautiful healthy kids. She would rather us divorce and our children grow up in a split home than to lay the axe down and accept me and her DIL.



So now basically, something extremely insignificant happened that she turned into a huge deal and said this is why I can't have your wife around here anymore. Literally nothing happened between her and I. Or her and anyone of his family members. This had nothing to do with me. But she made it about it me. She wanted to find a reason no matter how silly, to tell me to basically go away. And her being the ring leader she is, the entire rest of the family (step dad, brothers, sisternlaws) follow her. "its her way or the highway".



I know I am better off without all of them. My brother in law is still drug addicted. Horrible father to the three children he has but he is under his mothers wing. No one is allowed to speak badly of him no matter how bad he fucks over everyone in the family, even the other brother and SIL who is her pet. And the "sober" brother and SIL are good parent. They are a little trashy and teach their children some pretty white trash stuff, but hey that's their decision, their kids. My children will not be witnessing it, and that is our choice. But my husband. Who is the best father to our three children. The best friend, The best employee. The best husband. He has so much integrity and is such an amazing man. MIL says fuck him, she wants to part ways again and never talk to him (us) again.



I don't know why having a relationship with her has always been so important to be throughout these long, dramatic, exhausting years. Its not like shes loving towards me. Its not like she encourages our marriage. She wants our marriage to fail. And I have ALWAYS known that. It's the letting go I have a problem with. How do I let go of that longing of being accepted by the woman who created the amazing man I am married to?



But after going on a DECADE. It is time to finally let go. Let go of ever thinking/wishing she will love me or accept me. Let go of ever being accepted as my husbands wife. Let go of wishing things were different. Because they are not and they never will be. God has shut this door so many times. And I am the one who is always trying to open it. Its closed for a reason.



Moral of my saga:

            I am exhausted. I want to be free.  Mind you my husband and I have a great life. Three beautiful children. Great careers. Everything we have, we've bought on our own. Didn't need his mommy's help like the others. More of the reason to hate me, right? 

[Freebird228]

I'm sorry this post is so long. And most of you won't read it I'm sure because it seems like it would never end. But there are just so many things that my NINLAWS have done. That it just baffles me.

[Deb2]

Hi Freebird,

I did read your post. And then my internet went out so nI couldn't respond. I didn't have a pd mil, but she was difficult. And my husband wasn't the GC. Not the scapegoat either. My husband tried so hard to get her love and attention. And then I came along. And as far as she was concerned,  I wasn't good enough for her son. I met my husband in 1981and we married in 1982. He didn't even tell her we were getting married until the night before.  And she tried to talk him out of it.

For a few years, I tried to get her to like me. I finally gave up. My DH accused me of hating her because I wouldn't go to her house daily. DAILY! Seriously,  even if I loved her dearly I wouldn't have gone that often. Well, he got cannon shot Out of the FOG one day and things for our relationship changed for the better. But I had times of sadness because I so wanted to have a loving relationship with my mil. I put in strong boundaries with her and we came to a sort of truce. But then, she didn't have a PD as far as I know. 

It's sad that you can't be a part of the IL family. It's hurtful to watch your DH poorly treated by his FOO. I get it. I really do. I wish I had some advice for you.  Instead, I'll send you cyber hugs.

[Freebird228]

Thank you ❤️ I need to be aware of what I can control and what I cannot. And I will not continue to put my family through this inconsistent harmful family regardless if they are my "inlaws"

[PeanutButter]

Welcome. I am glad you found this community.

In my own experienc the narrative I told myself about what needed to happen to allow my happiness, or what was happening that needed to stop in order for me to have happiness was the internal 'struggle' that prevented my happiness. This also menifested external 'struggles' with others connected to me if they were not doing something I thought they needed to do or were doing something I didnt want them to do.

IME it sounds like multiple hurtful and harmful 'struggles' existed early in the relationship.

I see the first struggle as maybe when you were shocked to find out your H was addicted. Once you accepted that reality there would have been an internal struggle over accepting this that you were against.

The second struggle of finding out BIL was a heavy enabler of your H's drug use. Even though you witnessed other disturbing behaviors out of BIL even your H didnt believe you and your MIL & BIL gaslighted, deflected, and darvo'd you about what you now knew about your BIL. This imo was yet another struggle the third.

Getting pregnant changed everything for you. It seems like at this point the struggle between you and your H's addiction intensified. Surely he would get clean if he couldnt be in his kids life unless he did. Every parent not addicted would believe that imo. This was the another 'struggle'. But maybe he didnt believe you would really leave? So you did. For a short time. But his addiction continued. So your 'struggle' also.

When your little family moved you went NC while MIL was punishing with ST. This was a healing time for you. H got clean. Yet when you get married you resume contact, and have another child.

IME if you were finally experiencing health and happiness but you went back to all that dysfunction there was probably an inner narrative that included an expectation that it would be different somehow this time.

Then another ST from MIL so NC period.

The 'struggles' playing out repeatedly throughout.

You end asking: "How do I let go of that longing of being accepted by the woman who created the amazing man I am married to?"

IMO the question you need to ask yourself is WHEN do I let go of that longing of being accepted by the woman who created the amazing man I am married to?
 
And NOW is what I hope you decide the answer is.

We all stand ready to support you through this. It will be tough but I know you can do it! Look at all you have already been through. You and your LOs and your H will be better for it imo.

[PeanutButter]

Hi again.

I thought about your post & situation some more as I went to sleep last night before my meditations as it is similar to mine.

I came back this morning to add a thought I had.

When you are ready to let go it isnt a matter of needing the 'longing to be accepted by MIL' to dissappear. IMO That will take time and it might lesson slowly over time instead of just suddenly being gone. But you dont need the emotions to be gone to stop this 'struggle'.

Imo an acceptance that you feel the longing, plus an observing of your emotions when they are activated, instead of a reactionary 'following' of the emotions will change your course.

You can IME observe "o there it is I am feeling that I wish I had a different relationship with MIL. I am feeling rejected that she wont accept me."  and choose not to take any action to try to make that happen or to change the dynamic.

She has shown you who she is over and over again. Let her be who she is.

IME continue to be you, filling yourself up with acceptance, compassion, and self care, so you can continue to be the best you, the best mother and wife you can be.

[Freebird228]

Thank you so much Peanut. You are absolutely right. I've been trying to focus on what is good in my life rather than what is "bad". Although they are now gone and there is NC, I still feel so bad for my DH. I'm sad for him that they don't even care enough to call him and say hi or tell them they love him. But that just proves yet again that they are the people they are.  And it is what it is. I cannot change them. I can just love my DH and my family even more and harder ❤️

[PeanutButter]

Thank you so much Peanut. You are absolutely right. I've been trying to focus on what is good in my life rather than what is "bad". Although they are now gone and there is NC, I still feel so bad for my DH. I'm sad for him that they don't even care enough to call him and say hi or tell them they love him. But that just proves yet again that they are the people they are.  And it is what it is. I cannot change them. I can just love my DH and my family even more and harder ❤️

I had several years of a deep greif for my H's loss too. I just couldnt wrap my mind around it. He is so likable. Almost everyone he meets likes him. He is very outgoing. He is respectful, thoughtful and so forgiving. He is a wonderful son. BUT his own parents treated him terribly. It is their loss. It is a defect in their character. He is not to blame in any way, not even a little imo.
And neither is your H. He deserved their unconditional love. They have failed him completely. IME