Am I Leah?

[Mary]

Leah in the Bible was Jacob's unfavored wife. She kept giving him children in hopes that he would love her.
Genesis 29:32
And Leah conceived, and bare a son, and she called his name Reuben: for she said, Surely the Lord hath looked upon my affliction; now therefore my husband will love me.

It's so tempting to follow her example.

If I....isolate from my friends, then DH will love me.
If I...make more money, then he will love me.
If I...quit burning the supper, then he will love me.
If I ...keep the house cleaner, then he will love me.
If I...am perfect, then he will love me.

But I must recognize that I cannot control whether or not he will choose to love me.
It seems to be a fine line between being lovable, yet realizing there is nothing I can do to force his love.

My musings as I read through Codependent No More.
Mary

[SonofThunder]

The real problem in that story is Leahs father Laban, who raised two girls in a manipulative household and gave them both as wages to Jacob, who was also raised in his own manipulative household.  Sadly Leah has to live as the second-fiddle daughter because she was not physically attractive and ended up being a pawn between a competitive sister and two manipulative men. 

Leah should have slung her bag over her shoulder and departed that messed-up family. 

SoT

[Free2Bme]

Dear Mary,

This idea of "If I were only xyz", this is not the God of the Bible.  If my merit was enough then why Christ? 

If the Holy, infinite, sovereign, creator of the universe does not have this standard for you (me), then how can your H expect this? Is H standard the superlative?

I used to expect that I could earn my H love, I jumped through all kind of hoops and desperately wanted it but it was unobtainable no matter how much I contorted myself.  I too thought I could control the outcome by being "more".

Love says more about the one who loves and less about the object of love. ("Beauty is in the eye of the beholder")

If God loves Mary for who she is, then Mary can too.  You cannot earn God's love/approval, but you have it.  Because of Christ we have freedom from approval.  Cling to what you know is true, lean into Him in these painful times.

[Mary]

Love says more about the one who loves and less about the object of love. ("Beauty is in the eye of the beholder")

If God loves Mary for who she is, then Mary can too.  You cannot earn God's love/approval, but you have it.  Because of Christ we have freedom from approval. 

Wowsers Free2Bme, you should be a theologian. That is a profound love.
Mary

[SparkStillLit]

"Leah should have slung her bag over her shoulder and departed that messed-up family."

SoT this made me laugh. I love it!

[Mary]

I think what I need to sort out is what things should I do for the marriage because it is the right thing to do, versus unhealthy things that I am being coerced to do in order to supposedly gain approval.

For example, it is right for me to have a meek and quiet spirit. And I should avoid arguing and disputing.
That does not mean I should give in and cut off my supportive friends in hopes of avoiding the silent treatment.

Any thoughts on finding that line?

[Call Me Cordelia]

It's prudent to avoid arguing and disputing. We also call that Medium Chill or no JADE. Those things are as much for you as for the marriage. You can do what is good because it is good, and you will do why is yours to do, but your husbands response is not the reason you do it. I think this is true in general, but it's especially true when in relationship with people with Pd. We have to be detached from the outcome and response to our actions. Acting primarily to gain a certain response or state of "peace" is, plainly, codependency.

As to Leah... well yes, her father Laban absolutely modeled moving the goalposts for the next generation! She probably grew up knowing she was "the ugly one" and trying to pick up whatever crumbs of affection she could, by going for whatever carrots were dangled for her. The bait and switch that resulted in her marriage was so degrading to her. Not to mention a fourteen year game of hard to get played by Laban and possibly Rachel. Not surprising she continued that pattern by moving the goalposts on herself. It was less painful to have hope, even false hope, and to accept the blame than to face the injustice that her father and then her husband, through no fault of her own, wouldn't love her. Her face was as much a scapegoat as she was.

Free2BeMe hits it. Your husbands lack of love for you says everything about him and nothing about you being lovable or not. "But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

If you are interested in fiction, and piggybacking on the story of Leah, I highly recommend "Till We Have Faces." The protagonist is also "the ugly daughter," who spends her life longing to be loved, but her life is very different from Leah's. I found myself wanting to reread it because of the beauty and wisdom of this story.

[SonofThunder]

I think what I need to sort out is what things should I do for the marriage because it is the right thing to do, versus unhealthy things that I am being coerced to do in order to supposedly gain approval.

For example, it is right for me to have a meek and quiet spirit. And I should avoid arguing and disputing.
That does not mean I should give in and cut off my supportive friends in hopes of avoiding the silent treatment.

Any thoughts on finding that line?

I believe Call Me Cordelia makes some excellent points and that reply as well as Free2Bme's are so well thought out and caring, regarding your initial questioning regarding the similarity between your own life and Leah's. 

You wrote: "....what things I should do for the marriage because it's the right thing to do.."

That list of 'what things'  is subjective to your own personal relationship with your husband and also objective to the teachings of the Bible.  Therefore, I believe to answer that question for ourselves, we must boil down the complicated bones of that thought to a simple stock soup; a combo of all the ingredients of that question reduced down to one word, said three times in two Biblical sentences spoken by Christ;  LOVE.   

John 13:34-35

34 "And so I am giving a new commandment to you now—love each other just as much as I love you. 35 Your strong love for each other will prove to the world that you are my disciples."

This new command, spoken hours before he would be tortured to death, is part of Christ's farewell speech; his most important lessons at the end of a few years with the disciples.   In my opinion, this command supersedes his answers to the question asked in Matthew 22:36-40.   The reason I believe that is because in John 13: 34-35, Jesus uses his examples of love, lived out before them over the past years and in the Matthew verses, he was quoting the Old Testament teachings.  Since God has literally come down to be with us and model the teaching, then in my opinion, the truth of his modeling, is the icing on the Matthew cupcake.

So therefore, we must define the word LOVE and especially then, as it relates to Jesus living (and dying) example.  I have done a study on this for myself and I covered it in another thread somewhere on the subject of love, but here is my definition, after searching for love, throughout the Bible.  Also, to note, the list of traits we see in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 does not, in my opinion, define love, but defines the byproducts of love.  The smoke rising from the chimney of a house does not define what combustion is occurring in the heart of the home, but the smoke is a clear indicator that there is a fire inside the fireplace.  My definition below. 

LOVE: Desiring and potentially assisting to facilitate what is most beneficial for another person(s), animal(s), situation(s) or thing(s)

In my own opinion, what is 'most beneficial' would be based on adherence to moral foundations found both inside humans (placed in each human at their creation), but enhanced from outside the self by experience, learning and practicing from a foundational source; in my case that source is the Bible and Christ. 

So therefore Mary, my answer to your question is simple... LOVE your husband and LOVE yourself 1% more than him (Out of the FOG's 51% rule). 

What may actually be the BEST love, in some cases such as mine, is divorce.  Since Christ was sinless, then everything he did and said was loving, and he did and said some very deeply 'harsh' things.  When he sent the rich man away with that impossible to-do, the disciples were floored.  Christ knew what was 'best' for him and sent him packing.  There are SO many examples from Christ of all sides of love, and in some cases, it's not experienced as kindness and in some it's the ultimate in compassion.   

SoT

[SonofThunder]

Hello again Mary,

Although this discussion thread has dropped off, I enjoy the topic, as I am currently going back around again on the 5 year Thru-The-Bible podcast with Dr J Vernon McGee.  I am a big fan of that program, as Dr McGee has some tremendous insights.  At this time, the podcast is traveling through the life of Jacob and so Leah is a current topic. 

I have not heard Dr McGee mention my thoughts below, and I must keep in mind the land in which this story unfolds, the time in history and also the customs of the time/land with regard to women and arranged marriages.  But, the stories of Abraham, Laban, and Jacob's families are highly infused with manipulation and turmoil and this part of Genesis has been very helpful in many ways. 

Mary, your initial question was "Am I Leah"?

So here are my additional thoughts at this time and hopefully some of you will continue this threads discussion. 

A:  Mary, do you believe you were 'love-bombed' by your husband during your dating and into your first year(s) of marriage?  I was.  I therefore believe I was manipulated into believing a false narrative regarding the true personality of my wife.  Jacob was also manipulated, and he mirrored the manipulation he was raised with.  Sadly, Leah was manipulated as well by her father, into an arranged marriage with Jacob. 

B: I understand that marriages were arranged for girls in that land/culture/era and so it was not customary for girls to push back.   Now, we can learn from the culture and traditions at that time, that Leah was fully veiled the night of the wedding trickery and in the dark tent, we know that Jacob was not aware he had consummated the marriage to the wrong girl.  But Jacob was NOT veiled, and Leah fully knew Jacob's heart and mind was aimed at Racheal, but Leah still went through with the nightly rituals and therefore became married.  Leah did not have the fortitude to speak up about the trickery and therefore she became a willing participant.  We know from reading on, that she was jealous/competitive with Rachael and spent her years trying to get Jacob to consider her his 'wife' (he was legally her husband, but not emotionally and I will circle back on that in a bit).  So therefore again, Leah had emotional issues of her own, having grown up with a manipulative and controlling father.  Now, we know that by custom/law that the Leah/Jacob arranged marriage was considered legitimate.  But...Mary, do you believe that GOD considered their marriage as legit, knowing that it was manipulatively arranged and that Jacob did not emotionally consider Leah his wife, and therefore was using her for sex, work and children?   

C. We also know from Genesis that Jacob was allowed to take Rachael as a wife and dual marriages were sinful in that land/time as they always have been, but God chose to not intervene.  Since Jacob was raised to fear God, yet was a willing abuser/manipulator, he surely knew that dual marriage was sinful and although we see sinful and manipulative/controlling sexual activity with female servants in the life of his father and grandfather, we don't see dual marriage in that family until Jacob.   

Now, in Matthew 19:6 Jesus is speaking to the manipulative Pharisees who asked him "is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?" (NIV translation for reference).  Now, Jesus is God and so we can assume his replies are always as sharp, specifically word-chosen and truthful as it gets. 

(Verses 4-6) "Haven't you read", he (Jesus)replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female', and said 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'?  So they are no longer two, but one flesh.  Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate."   

So Mary, lets look at the specific words that God/Jesus quoted in his reply.  First let's consider 'Male and Female'.  The Biblical creation story teaches us that not only are male/female made to physically fit together (intercourse) to create offspring, but that the two are emotionally and physically a perfect 'union' to complete the other, each making the other better/stronger in many ways.   Let's also turn to that word 'united'. This is again the physical (intercourse) but also the emotional and spiritual uniting to complete the other.  The words 'one flesh' are a single new person in the emotional union.  Lastly 'what God put together...'.   Now this phrase is of very special interest to me regarding my own marriage and also looking at Leah.  Jesus could have left that phrase out and simply said "let no one separate", which would have been an overarching blanket opinion on divorce, but he didn't.  Jesus specifically said "What God put together".  Why did he add that phrase? 

I was love-bombed, was having unmarried sex with my now-wife, was not following,  nor interested in anything Godly at the time and was clearly ripe for a manipulative relationship with my uPDw.  Am I emotionally 'united'?  No.  Do I physically fit with my female bride.  Yes.  Are we emotionally "one-flesh"?  No.  Do I believe my marriage is one that "God put together" No.  Has God used my man-arranged marriage for some good and not allowed it to thwart His will?  Yes, and he did the same in the Jacob story.  So therefore can we also say, by Jesus' word choice, that the opposite is true as well?  (Proverbs is full of these kind of opposite truths).  If yes, than it could be said that  'What God DID NOT put together, it will not be a 'union' and therefore will probably be destined to come apart.'   Therefore, imo, it IS ok for man to separate what man put together.  So, Mary, do you have a man-put-together or a God-put together (legal) marriage?   Like mine, it doesn't sound like it's a 'union' but only you can answer that. 

———
So in conclusion of this lengthy post, was Leah's and Jacob's marriage 'God put-together'?  I say no.  God allows man free-will because of His desire for true relationship (not puppets) with His creation and He will not let mankind's free-will choices to thwart His plans.  But, He can work with anything, and my legal marriage is a prime example.  God has used my man-arranged legal marriage to produce two God-fearing adult offspring and He has come alongside me in my self-allowed 30 year dealings with a uPDwife.  He may have also used my nature to protect my uPDwife from certain things and if so, to God be the glory. 

I have stopped caring about what my man-arranged bride thinks of me and I am sad to read that Leah thinks that multiple offspring will win the heart and mind of Jacob.  I now have come to believe that I am free to leave if I choose and it's taken me 30 years to reach this point.  BUT...throughout the story of Jacob's life, Jacob makes his own decisions on Jacob's accepted timing.  But God directly tells him to leave the house, employment, and family of Laban and for once, Jacob begins to listen and accept Gods timing (he was 20 years in that manipulative hell).  From that point on in the story, Jacob very slowly and steadily begins to walk and wrestle with God.  We don't see Leah leave, but that was probably because of the culture of that day. 

Lol, I found myself thinking that in that patriarchal family story, Hagar and Ishmael got the best end of the deal by being separated from and sent away from that manipulative family tree.  Sure, harsh conditions for her and her child to be thrust into the wilderness, but I will gladly accept that adventure vs the continuous drama of emotional torture of living with a PD. 

So...Mary, are you a Leah?

SoT

[Mary]

You raise a number of interesting points, SoT. Thank you for the lengthy and thought-provoking reply.

I dug into the scriptures you posted and find that so often I have gone for the peacemaking route instead of the loving route as per your definition. I must confront this deep-seated trait within my charachter.

As for your point A, yes I was love bombed, but I was not blinded by it. I knew before we married that something was strange. The emotional attachment was not strong. I was certain God was calling me to marry him. Unfortunately, noone shared his PD issues with me, and I didn't do my homework. Had I known, I like to think I would have approached my role differently and with outside help. I was neither coerced nor stealing him from some other girl, so in this regard, I am not Leah.

On B, I do not think Leah's marriage was legit until Jacob agreed to it. To my way of thinking, a legitimate marriage includes both a public committment and a physical consumation.  Obviously, after the first night, both Jacob and Leah chose to proceed as spouses.

Her constant striving to win his love was what struck a chord with me. I think I act like her in many ways. This thread has made me think long and hard about why I do what I do. That I cannot force, earn, control, or manipulate my husband's love is hard to come to terms with. It is his to give or withhold. That must be why husbands are commanded to give agape love, the kind that Christ offers and cannot be earned. It's freeing in a way to look at it this way. Not that I will stop doing certain things, but to know that the outcome does not depend on my performance takes a load off.

I wonder if things improved in Jacob and Leah's relationship after Rachel died in childbirth. I find it interesting that she is in the lineage of Christ. And it seems that God acknowledged her pain and gave her children to comfort her. Too bad she turned it into a baby-making rivalry wth her sister.

Thanks again everyone for your thoughts and helping me think through these issues.

Sincerely,
Mary