Horrific story...

[Relieved333]

Hi all,

I haven't been on here in a while. My mother died 2 weeks ago. I haven't spoken to her, my father or sister in 3 years. However, I have been speaking with my extended family. We do live quite far away so we haven't seen anyone during this time.

Apparently, my mother was diagnosed with cancer over Christmas. No one in my family told me this until after she died. I had no idea. My father and sister made the rest of my family promise not to tell me anything. My mother didn't want me to know because she said she would never see her grandchildren(my children) again. Not me, but my children. My father/sister even told them not to tell me that she died. Well, someone finally did tell me.

I don't know what to make of this... the fact that my mother took her bitterness, sadness and possibly hatred to the grave. The fact that my sister and father made my family swore not to tell me. And the fact that my family listened to them possibly out of fear, guilt or something else.

It's odd too because during these past 3 years, I have contemplated if I should give a relationship with my parents a go one more time. I don't think I ever thought "never again". Or maybe sometimes I did. I'm in a fog at the moment.   

We plan to visit family soon. One asked if I called my father... do I call my father? I don't even know what to say to most of my family because they did not tell me my mother was dying. They told me they loved me and were in a tough position... but the funny thing is half of them don't even like my father/sister! They know how he and my sister are, as well as what I grew-up with.

This is such a horrific story. I have so many emotions and mixed feelings as one could imagine. Hurt, sad, grief, embarrassment because this is my family, confusion, etc. I don't know how to process all of this.

Any guidance? Advice? Has anything similar happened to anyone on here?

Thanks in advance.

[raindrop]

Wow, that's awful. I don't have any specific advice for you but my heart goes out to you. My estranged mum also died recently but I didn't have this thing where people hid it from me, that would add a whole other layer of feelings when there are already so many!

Take care of yourself, rest a lot. This many emotions is tiring. Let yourself feel them all.
:Bighug:

[Fuzzydog]

Oh, Relieved 333, I am so sorry to hear this, it truly is horrific. The whole concept of making adults "swear" to keep such a secret is appalling on two levels, the obvious one of malice that anyone would act in such a manner, and the slightly less obvious but in some ways more appalling is that thinking adult persons would agree to and honor this.
To a much lesser extent (death of a family friend) I had this happen to me and I had a long talk with my nephew about how it was OK that he told me, that his mother had absolutely no right to make him promise not to tell me. He was put in an untenable position, and felt quite guilty that he had let it slip.

I can't give you any advice, I am sorry, but I wish for you some internal peace to come soon. I personally would be unlikely to forgive, or accept apologies from the people who were complicit in the secret, no matter how "tough" a position they were in. They let convenience and comfort color their moral obligation.
But I am angry at those who continue to refuse to understand. My feelings are based on the fact that I have trouble moving past the awfulness.

Peace, rest and self-care to you, take joy in your chosen family. 

[GettingOOTF]

This is truly horrific. I’m sorry.

This reads exactly like something my family would do. Where I’m from it’s called cutting your nose off to spite your face. My family are masters at this kind of behavior.

People do not change unless they put in a lot of work and look at the difficult, painful parts of themselves that they have spent a life time avoiding.

I don’t know if it will be of any comfort but it’s highly unlikely you would have had a deathbed reunion with your mother where she acknowledged your pain, hurt and her part in it.

When my father thought he was dying he said some of the cruelest things to me, as if he was making sure to get in all the digs he wouldn’t be able to after he died.

As far as for the rest of the family my observation as been that dysfunctional families don’t happen in a vacuum. They impact the entire family system to varying degrees. My wider family also don’t particularly like my father and siblings and they claim to know how hard I had it growing up and how terrible they still are to me yet they continue to be “neutral” which is essentially choosing a side.

Since going NC with my father and siblings I have seen just how dysfunctional the rest of the family is. They are not as bad but they are far from healthy. I have started distancing myself from them too.

I’m truly sorry that these people are your family. I’m sorry for the loss of your mother and the healthy, loving relationship with her you didn’t and won’t have.

I hope you are able to find some comfort in these words and my experience.

[SunnyMeadow]

This really is a horrific story Relieved333. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I agree, the making adults swear to keep this secret is disturbing. It shows you exactly what you're dealing with in the people who asked and the people who agreed to keep silent.

I haven't been in this position exactly but I've been asked (told) not to tell family when my stepdad dies. Yes, my uNPDmother told me not to tell HIS CHILDREN when he dies. First thing I'm doing when he dies, call his children.

Sadly, you're going to have to process all this betrayal and decide if any of these extended relationships are worth keeping. This might sweep a bunch of people out of your life but that's okay. You may just decide they aren't worth your time.

Practice self-care (walks, exercise, baths, books) do what you need to do to get through this turmoil. Put all those other people on the back burner in your mind for now until you decide how to handle them. There is no rush. You might decide you don't want to visit these extended family members, and that would be perfectly fine.

[Relieved333]

Thank you all for taking the time to write. I can't make any sense of this. These other family members told me they love me and they hate that I found out this way. It is so utterly confusing.

"I don't know if it will be of any comfort but it's highly unlikely you would have had a deathbed reunion with your mother where she acknowledged your pain, hurt and her part in it."
- I think you're right, GettingOOTF... I don't think she would have ever acknowledged my hurt, pain and her part in it.

-Good for you, SunnyMeadow. I agree, if I were in your position or one of my relatives' position, I would definitely tell.

Thanks, Fuzzydog. "He was put in an untenable position, and felt quite guilty that he had let it slip."
- Did he say why he felt he couldn't tell you from the start? Was the pressure too great from his mother?

Thank you for the kind words, raindrop.

My husband said, "why do you want to see them? They didn't tell you your mother was dying and didn't plan to tell you she died. Only one person told you AFTER she died".

For some reason I feel the need to see everyone. I don't know if I can face my father. I can't believe he went to this level. My sister, no way because she can be vicious.
However, I don't know what to say to them? I still haven't heard from a few family members... they know that I found out my mother died.

I can't get a hold of my therapist because she's been busy dealing with lockdown and what comes with that.

I feel lost. I already told relatives I'm coming but now I have to figure out what to say.

[Fuzzydog]

Relieved333, the sad thing is that my nephew is an educated 33 year old man, with a wonderful wife and a son. He has a responsible job and life and his highly intelligent, and yes, under the right circumstances (usually involving other members of my FOO) will just cave to pressure. We've talked about this, and I think he understands that such pointless promises made under duress are not honorable, but it's still hard. I get that. Poor guy.
Learning these lessons is very difficult, but it gets harder and harder for me to forgive the hurting of others for fear of confrontation.

[Serendipity12]

In my experience, very sadly Pds use illness and even death as a further source of drama and supply.  When my unNpd mother broke her hip she told my en (likely BPd) sis not to say anything until months later when she called herself expecting help and without a shred of recognition of how that exclusion would have affected me.  Similarly my own father (admittedly we were estranged, but he was close -surprise surprise -to said sister) was dead for two months before she deigned to let me know.  It almost takes my breath away when I think about it, like a punch to the stomach.  But it reminds me how I need to stay away and focus on people who are important. And who deserve my notice and my time. Despite the flying monkey phone calls that happen infrequently.  It is hard, though. I completely sympathise and only you can know what is right for you.

[Relieved333]

Your poor nephew, Fuzzydog. I hope you're able to have a good relationship with him.

Thanks,  Serendipity12. " It almost takes my breath away when I think about it, like a punch to the stomach.  But it reminds me how I need to stay away and focus on people who are important."
— Agreed. I feel like I've been massively punched in the stomach. Sometimes I feel like vomiting.

I keep going back and forth... what if I continued the relationship with my mother, father and sister just to keep the peace? Put-up more boundaries. Keep things on a very surface level. But then again, would it have really worked in the end? I was in this vicious cycle since I was a child. My sister the golden child, me the scapegoat. My parents had a sense of entitlement. They're the parents, I'm still the child.

What killed me was my mother(and father) wanted to be these amazing grandparents while pushing me aside. They wanted the title. To show their "grandchildren" off. To be the playful ones but asking them to be flexible was tiresome. A couple times they were. But everything had to be on their terms.

How could they claim to love my children so much but not like me? My children are a part of me!

So her dying wish was for the family not to tell me because she will never see her grandchildren again. Well, I found out. Now there is strife within my extended family because my sister is livid I found out. I think a few of my family members are finished with my father and sister.

My mother and father had many chances to reach out and mend our relationship. Why was I the one who always had to reach out? ...Especially after they hurt me and refused to acknowledge my feelings?

My emotions are all over the place. I don't want to feel guilty but it's creeping in. But normal people do not do these things, right? My mother had the choice before she passed to get in touch with me, right?

🙏🏻

[PeanutButter]

This is NOT your fault. That guilt is FOG. It is ime the purpose of what they did to you. To 'punish' you for not remaining in your 'role'. Your M reaped what she sowed with you. Instead of taking any kind of responsibility she tried to martyr herself as a loving grandma who couldnt see her grandchildren. She didnt really care about your children except to use them for props in her fantasy world of lies.
Sorry to sound so harsh. Im so angry for you.
Please give youself compassion and love. Be to you and your inner child as well as your own children what your M was encapable of. But dont waste one minute of your present moment in this life regretting what you had no control over.
I am sorry for your greif and pain.
I fully expect to be in your shoes someday soon. I am NC with all Foo too.

PS I would not call father.

[Xyz]

My emotions are all over the place. I don't want to feel guilty but it's creeping in. But normal people do not do these things, right? My mother had the choice before she passed to get in touch with me, right?

YES.  Normal people do NOT do these things.  Your mother ABSOLUTELY had the choice to contact you.  From my own experience and that of others, I think it is likely that you are going to have times when you start to feel guilt, but please remind yourself of this, over and over if you have to.  Intellectually, you know this to be true.  Normal people do not do these things.  Your mother had the choice to contact you.

I am very sorry that this has happened to you.  The betrayal here is horrid.     

[Relieved333]

Thank you, Peanut Butter! You are so right and thank you for being angry for me. You have put my feelings and thoughts into words. I'm still processing everything and it's really hard.

"This is NOT your fault. That guilt is FOG. It is ime the purpose of what they did to you. To 'punish' you for not remaining in your 'role'. Your M reaped what she sowed with you. Instead of taking any kind of responsibility she tried to martyr herself as a loving grandma who couldnt see her grandchildren."
—-This exactly. My mother mainly played the victim card. All I wanted was for her to see that her and I had to make amends! I was ignored, as always.

Thanks, xyzo. The betrayal is unfathomable.

I just looked back at emails and texts from 3 years ago. My dad sent a somewhat cold, short email saying "haven't heard from you in a while". I kindly replied asking how he and mom were, telling him about our kids and what has been happening, sending my phone number again, etc. NO response.

Same with a text a month later. Sent mom and dad a nice text with photos. NO response.

They would send gifts for my children on their bdays and Christmas. My children would mail thank you cards. NO response. After a year or so, I didn't bother with the thank you cards.

I know they have smeared me. My mom's side didn't fully buy it. However, I think my dad's did. Even though I have been in contact with relatives on my dad's side... not one person has sent me a condolence message, card, etc.

I have not called my aunt/uncle and cousins on my dad's side since my mom's death. Should I?

Should I even call my father? Again, he, my mother and my sister made my family swear not to tell me about her illness and death. My father and sister are so angry I found out. I don't know if my mom's side will ever speak to them again. Strangely, I feel sorry for my dad and sister. They have so much hate in their hearts. And of course, they did lose my mother.

I still lost my mom. I am a saddened by her death. There were some good times. But I tried. I did. I was never heard. I couldn't take their blame, silent treatments, gaslighting, cruel words and guilt-trips anymore.

I am seeing a few family members from my mom's side soon. I am glad that one relative finally told me my mom passed, the day after she died. I still love them. I am angry but I can't yell at them or anything like that. I want answers though. What would you say to them?

[PeanutButter]

I cant say that I know what I would or wouldnt do or say because i havnt experienced anything like this although it is one of my fears. My ubpdM is very similar to me with no remorse, punishing attitude, and yet plays victim to others.
I relate to your empathy for your D and S having lost someone they love.
Perhaps  to send cards/emails of condolences?
Will they have the same awareness of your pain?
I dont know about actually bringing myself face to face with them. It seems like trying to keep this from you may be a 'baiting' of you. They may want you to confront them so they can dump all their shame, blame, and neglecting/ignoring behavior on you. Which is projection since you tried to connect but they wouldn't.
I would want to only allow persons who respect my decisions and recognize my grief around me while I was in this 'shocked' 'vulnerable' state.
Be good to yourself! You deserve care during this newest trauma.

[Adria]

Relieved333,

I'm sorry for your loss.

I truly understand what you are going through.  Nobody told me when my mom had a triple bypass, nobody told me she had terminal cancer, and my father and sisters told all of my extended family not to tell me when she passed away, that they would tell me.  Well, guess what? They didn't!!!

Nobody called when my mother passed away. Not to tell me. Not to send condolences. Nothing. Crickets.  I found out later when my dad called my son and said, "Tell your mom her mother is dead." My knees buckled underneath me and I nearly dropped to the floor as the flood of betrayal hit my mind from aunts and uncles that acted like they were my best friend.

When I finally made it back to my home town, I had to go from cemetery to cemetery in search of where my mother was buried. 

You are absolutely right!  It his horrific!!! Even typing about it now makes my nerves burn.  That was eight years ago, and just one month ago, I was finally able to verbalize it to my aunt.  And to top it off, I was then blamed and called cold and heartless because I didn't show up at a funeral I knew nothing about.  My daughter was pregnant at the time and when she found out I was in fear she would lose the baby because of how upset she was.   Fortunately, the baby was fine.

I guess if I had any advice, it would be to question the relatives that didn't inform you.  I sat with it for years because people advised me not to say anything.  But, if you are going to see them, IMHO, they owe you an explanation.  It will probably be weak and wishy washy, but at least you get to say it. 

This is one of the most cruel acts a person can do to someone. Nobody deserves that kind of disrespect and pain.  I still can't get my head around it.  They have all shown you who they are. Now, take care of yourself.   

[Relieved333]

Thanks again, PeanutButter

"I dont know about actually bringing myself face to face with them. It seems like trying to keep this from you may be a 'baiting' of you. They may want you to confront them so they can dump all their shame, blame, and neglecting/ignoring behavior on you."
—This is what I'm afraid of. This is what they've pretty much done my entire life.
I really hope you won't go through this.

Wow, Adria. We have had the same experience. Yes, a relative told me about my mom's passing a day after she died but the feelings are the same. Keeping a mother's illness and death from her daughter is an appalling thing to do to someone. I still don't know how to handle this.

Your father told your son and not you. That is betrayal and so hurtful. I don't understand how people can be this cruel and are able to sleep at night.

After you found out about your mother's death, did you still speak with your extended relatives? Or did you just reconnect with your aunt 8 yrs later?

I did see my relatives. It was good and bad. I told them I was hurt no one told me. Mainly all of them said they were in a tough spot. One relative said "it wasn't my place to tell". One said "we tried so hard to tell you, we wanted to tell you so badly". What does one say to that??

Apparently my mother never gave a full explanation to anyone. All I know is she said she would never see my children(her grandchildren) again. How could she say she loved my children so much, who are a part of me, but didn't truly want a relationship with me? I was in the way.

I found out my sister told my relatives one of the reasons I was putting up boundaries is because "I was jealous of the relationship my children had with my mother". This is absurd and a complete lie. My mother did not see my children that much. Plus I would never care or be jealous of such petty nonsense. This one relative said he didn't believe my sister. But I know a few probably do.

I can't believe I still haven't heard from several relatives. I can't believe these people believe such lies. How can my family accept what my sister/father and deceased mother did? This is beyond cruel, spiteful and hateful... No one can see this? One relative asked me "what happened between us"? I actually have to explain? What they have done should speak for itself.

I can't believe it has come to this. I have experienced such neglect, abuse, lack of empathy and understanding, disregard for my feelings, silent treatments, silencing and bullying from these 3 people and no one said anything. No one could fully see what I've been through. Many of my relatives know how vicious my father and sister can be. One relative said he saw my mother become more and more like them over the years. A few said they never liked them. They probably won't speak to them again. And I still felt like I had to defend myself... really?!

It's a confusing and horrendous situation to be in. This was just a huge punch in the stomach. The betrayal is unfathomable. I will move on eventually. I will focus on myself, my husband and children like I have been over the past few years. However, I hope this awful feeling passes soon.

[Fuzzydog]

"I did see my relatives. It was good and bad. I told them I was hurt no one told me. Mainly all of them said they were in a tough spot. One relative said "it wasn't my place to tell". One said "we tried so hard to tell you, we wanted to tell you so badly". What does one say to that?? "

If you have the stomach for it, (I actually do, now) you can ask them (as gently as possible) why they, as thinking adults, wouldn't follow their own instincts and either protest or ignore a directive to keep quiet about such a thing. That's the worst kind of promise to make, the kind that will cause so much pain to another.
But in the moment, I can see how it would be difficult to confront and respond.

My NM is 96. I fear that my FOO will do the same. I am putting measures in place so that I will be informed when she passes.

I am so sorry that this awfulness has happened to you.

[Adria]

I can't believe it has come to this. I have experienced such neglect, abuse, lack of empathy and understanding, disregard for my feelings, silent treatments, silencing and bullying from these 3 people and no one said anything. No one could fully see what I've been through. Many of my relatives know how vicious my father and sister can be. One relative said he saw my mother become more and more like them over the years. A few said they never liked them. They probably won't speak to them again. And I still felt like I had to defend myself... really?!

This is so true! I have experienced the exact same with my father and two sisters, and also my mother becoming more and more like them over the years.

After nobody told me about mother's death, I heard through a grapevine that one aunt was telling everyone, "I called Adria."  A complete lie.  I was so upset over it, I changed my phone number so nobody could call me with their fabricated stories anymore.  I also heard the line, "It wasn't my place to tell," when I finally confronted my aunt years later.  What in the world????

I even wrote and published a book about my story with my family.  I found out some aunts and uncles got a hold of it, even cousins who I was very close with all my life, but nobody reached out.  Yes, they believe all the dirty lies of my father and sisters, narcs and sociopaths.  Explaining, even to the lengths of taking four years to write my story, did no good.  They choose to believe the lies because my dad can buy them with his money and he's good at always being the victim, and my sisters are great actresses and play the pity party game.  I've been left, like you, totally defenseless.  Evil always runs by the same play book, lies and manipulation. 

It's a confusing and horrendous situation to be in. This was just a huge punch in the stomach. The betrayal is unfathomable.

Yes, there is no other way to put it.  The lengths they go to is something we can't imagine. It truly is mind boggling.  Eventually, the feelings will subside.  Keep living a good strong life for you and your family.  Never let them change who you are.  We would never want to carry that kind of viciousness in our hearts.  Those kinds of actions are practiced and honed in on over years and years until they no longer have a conscience. So in the end, they are the losers.

Again, I cannot express enough how sorry I am that you have to experience this.  Sending peace and blessings your way. Adria

[PeanutButter]

I found out my sister told my relatives one of the reasons I was putting up boundaries is because "I was jealous of the relationship my children had with my mother". This is absurd and a complete lie. My mother did not see my children that much. Plus I would never care or be jealous of such petty nonsense. This one relative said he didn't believe my sister. But I know a few probably do.

IME this would be pure Projection. Sister was the one that was jealous. She and mother both was jealous of you and your children's relationship ime. Instead of awareness and ownership of what they felt, because they deny their unwanted emotions and project them onto you, they had a conversation about how jealous you were.

Im so incredibly sorry for this unspeakable betrayal and horrendous abuse you continue to suffer. Please take to heart that this is reflective of who they are. Your healing and recovery has highlighted a goodness from within you. That goodness is what they are attacking.

One then asks what kind of person despises goodness?

I pray for this dark cloud raining on your spirit to pass. I pray for you shelter from the storm surrounded by only those whose worthiness is evident in their love for you. You deserve no less that 100% loyalty!

[Relieved333]

"If you have the stomach for it, (I actually do, now) you can ask them (as gently as possible) why they, as thinking adults, wouldn't follow their own instincts and either protest or ignore a directive to keep quiet about such a thing."
--- Hi Fuzzdoyg, I did ask but not fully. They all pretty much said that it wasn't their place to tell and they were in a tough spot. Only one relative said he should have told me. I don't know if they'll fully grasp what they have done. They didn't want to get involved... that was their reasoning.
I am glad that you are putting the proper measures in place with your own family. I wish I did.

Adria, good for you for publishing a book! What an accomplishment! Thank you for your encouraging words.

You might be right, PeanutButter..."She and mother both was jealous of you and your children's relationship ime. Instead of awareness and ownership of what they felt, because they deny their unwanted emotions and project them onto you, they had a conversation about how jealous you were"
---I never looked at it this way. There were times when I thought they were jealous but not of the relationship between my children and me. But looking back, maybe they were.

Another thing which is perplexing is one of my relatives asked if I called my father. Am I suppose to be the one to call?! I mean what he and my sister did was beyond hateful. I never would think this would happen to me. Nothing I have done or didn't do warrants this kind of abuse or even any past abuse I have experienced from them. I don't know what was going through my mother's mind to do something like this. I know she was angry and hurt. However, she and my father had every opportunity to make amends. They didn't. They put 100% of the responsibility and blame on me, even though they have done and said hurtful things. They sent my children gifts for their birthdays but that is all. I feel like it was an act of punishment rather than "this was her dying wish".

Do I call my father? Write him a letter? I haven't heard from my father's side at all either and I have been in contact with them before this. I don't understand.

[PeanutButter]

The reason it is confusing is because it is a minipulation ime.

After choosing to NOT make amends with you M darvo'd and smeared you to extended family. She acted as if she and F are the ones who have been wronged. F is now continuing that since she has passed by claiming you dont call him?

Now if you call father that is what you will face imo. He will say how wrong you are/were and that you should have made amends to your M before she died (because she refused to make amends with you before she died). And that now you need to make amends to him and S.

Heres the way I see it. If you had no reason to call them before, and every reason to protect yourself from them, that has not changed but this is actually reinforcing that the decision you made was right. They want to harm you. Protect yourself from any more harm!

If they cannot even acknowledge any of the reality about what has happened between you and them then there is no way to engage in a way that wont end up with you further harmed.

I wish you would get an apology so you could make up with F and S. But I highly doubt that is a possibility. The kind of people that act in the way you describe are not the kind of people who ever admit mistakes or apologise for hurting someone.

Im so deeply sorry for the pain you are experiencing. YOU DIDNT DESERVE ANY OF THIS!