How do I help ds in his current worry?

[Associate of Daniel]

Ds16 has not seen his paternal grandparents in several years and has had extremely little contact with them by text.

His Unpd father(my ex) essentially went no contact with them and has refused ds to have any contact with them unless accompanied by his (ds's) Unpd smother.

The grandparents, last I heard, blocked the UNPD smother.

Ds doesn't want to see his grandparents with his uNPD smother because of her behaviour. And his grandparents feel the same way.

Almost out of the blue the other night, ds told me that when his grandparents die he wants to attend their funerals but his dad won't let him.

As far as I know his grandparents aren't about to die any time soon. But in ds's mind, his being trapped by the court orders and his UNPD father and UNPD smother, is going to last forever. His turning 18 in less than 2 years is a lifetime away in his mind.

And let's face it, the pd problems don't magically disappear on one's 18th birthday.

So, any ideas on how I can talk to him about this?  Poor kid.

AOD

[SonofThunder]

Hi AoD,

Sorry this is occurring.  My stbx has a friendly relationship with my mother and will regardless of our coming divorce.  My parents and my stbx are all adults and choose to do their own adult things in freedom.  Do you/Did you have a good relationship with your in-laws?  I could care less if they're my parents and my stbx continues to have a relationship with them separate from me.  Frankly, my parents have relationships with tons of adults, and once im divorced, my future ex-wife will be just another adult with whom they have a history.

Your uNPDexh surely loves to control, like all other PD's, but imo, you having a continuing relationship with the in-laws is just like any other adult friendship, even its only for two years until DS16 has full adult rights.  So, if you desire to keep in contact with them, in your adult freedom, what is preventing DS from visiting them when YOU visit them.  I possibly don't understand your post about 'court orders' and how it relates to your in-laws, you and DS. 

All the best,

SoT

[Associate of Daniel]

Dragging this one up again - sorry I didn't reply to your response, SoT.  But thank-you for your reply so long ago!

There is nothing stopping me, legally, from taking Ds16 to see his paternal grandparents.  Really the only thing stopping that from happening is Ds being afraid of what his uNPD father's reaction will be. And I guess he may also be a little fearful of his grandfather because of what he's been told about him. (That he is abusive.)

I have very little to do with them.  Our relationship has now reverted to the ridiculous twice/three times per year card exchange and I send them the annual school photo.  I would actually prefer not to have anything to do with them.  Whilst we get along ok, we have very little in common and it's all very awkward.

Plus, I'm disappointed in them.  They have made no effort to keep up with ds.  They don't text him or ring him or send him letters.  They don't even send him messages via me.  They only contact him if he sends them a thank-you text for the birthday and Christmas cards/money they send to him at my place. I understand they are probably fearful that their messages to him on his phone will be read by his uNPD father and uNPD smother.  And they're probably right.  However, there is a way of texting that at least lets him know that they want him in their lives, on top of the ridiculous obligatory annual cards and money.

He hasn't mentioned them lately. I intend to suggest again when he turns 18, that he could visit them with me if he would like.  However, that would be just before his final year at school and may not be the best time to try to re-establish the relationship.

AOD