Out of the FOG

https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=82315.msg719754#msg719754

New thread!

I have to, because it's that day. Time is 5.05am. I didn't sleep much on the settee.

At this point, I think my best bet is to go out nice and early, anywhere, just so that she thinks nothing interesting is going to occur in the hope that she'll actually sod off to work or wherever.

If it doesn't work, at least I'll have tried to get her out of the way.

So, asda for bread it is.

PeanutButter, I'm so glad that you're happier now, and I'm just sorry you had to go through something like this too. I named the thread thinking of achieving what you have done. :)

Please remember you are not alone as this day plays out.  You have hundreds, if not thousands of us all wishing you health, strength, and happiness.  You do not have to do this perfectly, or in the way you have imagined it playing out.   Anyway you end up getting free will be a good way.   Even if it all blows up, tonight you will lay your head down and sleep in peace and safety.

And if you do end up staying another night, that isn't a failure either.  That's just strategy.  You are on your way out there whatever the path ends up being. 

I'm thinking you're moving RIGHT NOW  :woot:

I'm hoping your mother went to work and it went off without a hitch.

Thank you, OutsiderChild and NumbLotus... i read your messages while I was on my way back to the house from my flat. It helped a lot. I've got overtired and stressed and a lot of terror and guilt has been having its way with me.

So... my mother went out, and so she doesn't know anything has happened. At this point now, I am pretty much set up. I will go and organise my stuff in the new room/flat thing tomorrow. Then all I am maintaining the sham for is because on tuesday morning, my piano teacher will pick up my digital piano and put it upstairs at his shop. I'll be able to go practice there when he is in giving lessons, which is totally awesome of him. That day I will also take down my desktop pc, which is in the lounge, and leave a letter to say that I have moved.

The "moving" company stressed me out. I don't drive, and I'm pretty isolated, which is why I needed one. They put their price up from £160 to £220 when they arrived, then when they had the stuff, this guy says to me: "How are you getting there?" (blinks) Unfortunately, it was just one hole in the dam wall too many at that point. I'd been doing a pretty good job of letting the fear and guilt come and go, but after that I really couldn't get back into that confident, assertive space.

Tomorrow will be better.

Hi pipchick,

I hope your move is going as smoothly as possible! I was reading your earlier post about the times you've lived away before and it was so similar to my own story. I have called it psychological Munchausen by Proxy in the past and I think that's accurate. Basically you raise a person who is clinically depressed and full of self-hatred and anxiety, who's 'role model' was someone full of self-loathing, self-pity, defeatism and bitterness, and then when they fail to become healthy, functioning adults, you pat yourself on the back about how supportive you're being despite all their 'problems'.
(that you created).

I can tell you that the further I got away from Negatron, the healthier I became. Despite a later start than most people, I now have a great career, an awesome house, a horse, and just last month I got married to my often mentioned on this forum SO. He has been heroic in his standing up to Negatron and is all around wonderful. I went NC with Negatron a year ago, and my life has been improved even more since then.

You can do it, too! Everybody on this forum is rooting for you. You will have doubts and it will be tough at first, but you're taking a huge step in terms of your happiness and healthiness.

:bighug:

I just read your latest post, pipchick! Moving is unnerving and stressful at the best of times–there's something about moving all your stuff to a new place that is really unsettling– and you are not experiencing the best of times. But you've done the hardest part! Give yourself a big ol' pat on the back for taking this huge step!

Thank you so much, Pseudonym! :hug:

This forum is so great for spreading hope, and I can't say just how amazing it is for the newcomer to learn there's a life out there beyond. A good life.

I slept on the settee last night because I'd taken my bed apart, so I didn't sleep well, then the move. I'm just overtired. Tomorrow I am sure I'll be striding around town again, marvelling at my new, clearer world like Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail with a coffee in hand.

There are doubts, but they still don't have the upper hand. If she cared she'd have talked to me by now. That's how I have to think. I'm sad that it's come to this, but it has come to this, and that's not my fault in any way at all. I can't have the relationship with her that I want, because she isn't that person. No matter how long you look at a penny and wish, it'll never change to a pound.

I know how it is to be chugging along as best as I can and then something or someone lets the air out of my tires. 

But you did it/are doing it, you're not running on flats, just need a little time to heal from today and get back to where you were.

You can get in and out of your room without your mother noticing everything is gone?

The rest sounds like a PLAN.

:hug: back!

So many people helped me on this site, it makes me happy if I can help anybody a little bit. :)

One thing to be prepared for is that your M might not react in the way you expect her to...she might rage out or go into victim mode but she 'might' also realize that her supply is going away and say whatever she thinks you want to hear in the moment. She 'might" say she's going to change and didn't realize how you felt, etc. (Mine's not capable of this but it doesn't mean yours isn't more clever). However she reacts, you know that you're doing the healthiest thing for yourself. Just be prepared for any and all manipulative responses.

You're doing great!

NumbLotus: yes, I can get in and out of my room. She tried to ridicule me into giving up the lock but it didn't work. Now she doesn't mention it. Ahh... it is a plan. One that has as little drama as possible. Remember what you just told me the next time you feel that way. You are doing it too. When you feel that way, you too just need a little time :hug:

Psuedonym: you really do. All of you here. I'm looking forward to a time when this is behind me, and I've improved things, and I can pass that hope right back to the next lot of newcomers. We heal and grow together then. Instead of passing on that negativity, we can say look! There is a way out, and it's okay :)

Right now I am prepared for anything from screaming to tears, to "right, well, see you later then" (because I'm convinced if she thinks that will hurt me most she will do that)

I'll second that. More than likely your M will say something to the effect of "But you've been so happy here! I had no idea you were upset about anything!" When... you've straight up told her before.

Pipchick, I appreciate your words more than you know.

Thank you, Andeza.

NumbLotus, I keep thinking about your words there, and it really is such a clear example of how hard we are on ourselves. Have compassion for yourself. You will find peace too, I know it.

Update:

So I spend my first night in my room last night. it was awesome. I went to work this morning then have come back to the house for a flying visit. I can't reveal anything until tuesday.

My workmate made me play inspirational music, lol

I Want to Break Free
St Elmo's Fire
Beautiful
Hero
Proud

I am coming down with a slight cold, though. Hopefully it will be over with quickly.

I was checking in on you pipchick to see if you'd posted an update. So happy for you! Stress will make you more prone to getting sick, so please try to take it easy as much as possible. You're doing great! :)

Ooh, the classics. I approve!

Oddly enough I think many of us probably have a list of inspirational songs that have deep meaning for us, no matter the genre.

Feel better soon! I hope it is just a cold.

Wow, Break Free really fits well. One of my favorites.

Thank you Psuedonym, Andeza and NumbLotus!

Coming in to add the classic "No More the Fool" by Elkie Brooks

I believed your every word, didn't know the hurting pain that you'd make. But why did it take so long? At last now I see the light. I found it hard to say. No more the fool who waits around, waiting for you to bring me down. Those days are gone now.

Also... god grant me the serenity to keep up medium chill despite the memories

pipchick, You're really inspiring me!

I think your plan is very good and I am rooting for you.

Thank you, Duck! :)

Warning: whinging ahead. Also Trigger warning for mentions of suicide.



I am at the house, and I can't sleep. This is probably because I have a cold and I'm sleeping on the settee. But also, something slotted into place for me today, and I have been veering between shock, horror and fury ever since.

I really never thought of it before now, because it's unthinkable, but over the past week or week and a half the first ingredient has been playing on my mind. It's still unthinkable, but sadly no longer implausible. I mentioned it to my therapist during my first appointment, and she let the thought exist.

If you've read all of my previous thread, you'll know there has been tragedy in my family. My Dad and my brother both took their own lives. I was the one who discovered them. Well... at least that's always how I thought it had gone. You see, my mother came to wake me up at lunchtime that day (I'd been working nights) to say that she was worried because she couldn't get either of them to answer the phone, or come to the door, and yet their cars were in the driveway. Being split up from my Dad, she no longer had a key to the house, so she got on the bus and travelled thirty minutes to come and get me, because - so she said at the time - she knew I had a key.

Wait.

Obviously I can't say this for certain. I can't prove this in any way whatsoever. And as long as it was unthinkable I never ever thought it, not for a single instant. And yet... if you're worried, calling the house constantly, knocking on the door and on the windows. If you're desperate... you try the door. You might not even be aware you're doing it, but you would do it. I say this because when we got to the house, the front door was unlocked.

Now, this is going back nearly twenty years, but believe me I haven't blocked that day out. Every detail about it is emblazoned on my memory forever. From the moment I was woken up, to the way the sun was shining through the bus window and I felt strongly that there was a moment before, after which nothing would be the same. For all the years since I've relived that day in my nightmares. I remember taking out my key, and putting it in the lock. I was so certain I needed my key. I mean, my mother told me I did, right? Except that I didn't. And I remember looking to her and saying: "It's not locked." And now I think I understand the look on her face then. Not quite guilt. It's a certain look she gets when she's behaved so incredibly badly.

I think she tried the door, and found out for herself that it was unlocked. I think that having no empathy she wasn't emotionally too worried about walking in there. I think she just... couldn't be bothered. So she thought to herself: I'll go and get Pipchick, and she can walk through that door for me.

Having done this, I expect even she had to feel a little bit bad. If only because she'd abdicated her responsibility utterly. So what does she do then with that bad feeling? She resents me for it. She decides that it's my fault she feels bad, and she spends the next year smearing me so badly to my aunt that eventually it results in my aunt viciously shouting and publicly humiliating me (as far as I am concerned, from out of nowhere). I'll never speak to that aunt again. Until that point, I had thought that because my Dad and my brother did it, I was now safe, but that day showed me otherwise. I felt so, so low. And even right then my mother didn't want to hear it. And now I know why. Because it was her, as I've long suspected, and she did it to punish me for making her feel bad for being horrible to me. For making me face something that most people will never even approach in terms of trauma, simply because she couldn't be bothered.

That's it.

If nothing else, this. Nothing can induce me to be close to her for a moment longer than absolutely necessary.

 :bighug:

I'm so sorry you're having one of those 4am moments. It sounds like a lot to process and bear. I hope since you got it out you can let it rest till later in the morning. I hope you can sleep now. Dream about helpful, loving people. People who help each other and care.

:hug:

You're so awesome, NumbLotus... thank you :)

I hope you were able to sleep some.

I thought about your revelation. The door was not locked. And your mother had an expression in reaction to that which was not congruent with surprise or regret that she hadn't thought to try the knob herself.

So she had been there and she knew the door was unlocked. And then she got on a bus and got you.

Did she open the door and just call out? And then get a bad feeling and chicken out?

Did she go in?

I am thinking there is more than she just "couldn't be bothered." She got on a bus for 30 minutes to get you. Heck, she was there in the first place.

Did she want an audience to perform to?

I am trying to imagine any world in which I stumbled upon such a terrible, terrible scene, and I decided to subject my daughter for the rest of her life to those traumatic images. Instead of calling emergency right then and dealing with it, and of course calling my daughter in tears - but not showing it to her. Not fetching her. Not making something like this into a soap opera moment.

Quote from: NumbLotus on January 25, 2020, 09:38:07 AM

Did she open the door and just call out? And then get a bad feeling and chicken out?

I think this. I don't think she went in since there were the family dogs running free. The back door was wide open for them.

As soon as I went in I saw and told her to stay  outside. After everything else had been done I deleted the berating messages from her on the answering machine so that she wasn't hurt by them after the fact.

I'm not sure what else she would have got out if it. Though as recently as the end of 2018 when an aunt died I walked into the funeral parlour to find her blatantly telling a group of strangers (not even family) all about my mental health problems. Of course I got the usual brush off when I said this made me feel bad and vulnerable.

I have to move on to the next bit and process this over time. I guess I can never really know for certain, but again it doesnt seem impossible or unthinkable now. Not at all.

Thank you NumbLotus

That part about the berating messages on the machine, just wow.

Update:

Second therapy session tomorrow. Letter writing tonight, ready to leave tuesday. I'll be sure to keep it short and to the point. I've spend some nights out without explaining exactly where I am, using a friend as cover. I have cold, and I'm back at the house. I was already not thrilled about sleeping on the settee, but then they came in and after seven minutes of cold ignorance I have decided this sham is just hurting me. So I'm going home.

Ok, gang...

Deep breaths...

All going to be okay.

Update:

Tomorrow is the day. The piano teacher will help me with the piano, and I will pack up my pc.

Today I noted that the dog's leg is no better so I called the vet and tried to make an appointment. Nothing for tonight so I had to ask for wednesday. Only to find mum has made one for wednesday morning. So either this is part of a ahha!!! moment when she's going to implicitly claim (by taking time off work especially to take the dog to the vet): See! I do care about the dog and it's you who doesn't! Or else she has already decided what I'm doing wednesday morning without asking me.

I'm going for the former. She's probably planning to shame me by not even telling me where she is going, because she's waiting for me to break the silence between us so that she can say: We aren't ignoring you. You're ignoring us! Then cue a list of how nasty and horrible and mean I am. With the added bonus of: You don't even care about the dog! And it won't end as far as she's concerned until I accept that reality. It's... not happening. Not ever again.

Currently waiting for her to get in. I don't want to get engaged in anything tonight.

Hi pipchick. Im so excited/nervous for you. You have done so much hard work. You have done it all on your own. Its all proof that you are more than capable to succeed.
I am soo deeply sorry for you for the loss of your d and b under those circumstsnces. Then for it to be made so much worse to finally realize the truth about what your M did to you that day using the terrible tragedy.
IME the specific details are less important than the intuition you feel about her behavior towards you.
It sounds unthinkable, yes, for a loving M.
But for you, KNOW that you should protect yourself.
I will be sending you good thoughts tomorrow.
Im kinda glad if she is stepping up on the dogs care. This way you dont have that worry.
:cheer: :cheer: :fireworks: :cheer: :cheer: :fireworks: :cheer: :cheer:


HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY PIPCHICK
       Wednesday January28th 2020

Song I thought of
Martina Mcbride
"Let freedom ring, let the white dove sing
Let the whole world know that today
Is a day of reckoning.
Let the weak be strong, let the right be wrong
Roll the stone away, let the guilty pay
It's Independence Day."

Tomorrow is the day!

Also, you have the upper hand with that vet appointment because you know about it. If you want, you can even call the office after the appointment. "My mom wasn't able to update me before she went to work, and I've just been concerned about Pooch. What did the exam find?" Then it can all be "yeah I know" and dismissiveness from you. (If that works). Of course, I'm not even clear on when or if you'll be speaking with her.

Yay, tomorrow! You got this!

Thank you, PeanutButter and NumbLotus! :hug:

I've had a few of those horrible what if it's all me? thoughts over the course of this evening. I know it's nonsense, I know it's due to what I've internalised over the years, but they are inevitable in this process I think. They keep coming up. I hope they might diminish after tomorrow.

PeanutButter you are right! It means I can assume she is taking care of it. Thank you :wub:

Also, I have added that song to my list, and "borrowed" a load of political songs that really don't belong to me (sorry!) just the lyrics are really helpful. Something Inside, So Strong - Labi Siffre, State of Independence - Donna Summer, Gimme Hope Jo'anna - Eddy Grant

NumbLotus, I will do that... if I don't get to know any other way, then she can't be in control of the info.

I've decided to leave a short and to the point letter. There's no point going over anything, she doesn't want to hear it, and I don't want to say it just to be invalidated and walked over. In that letter I am going to say that not leaving my address is deliberate. I need a safe space for myself where I can't be disturbed. I will advise her she has my number. Then the ball is in her court.

Any kind of game playing/manipulation/shenanigans and I will just withdraw further. Any guilt tripping/threats over the dogs will result in zero contact and I will write additionally to explain that consequence if necessary. I don't want to put it in this letter, as I don't want to be aggressive. If she was the mother I deserved all along she would understand, she would support my decision for independence, and more, if I was wrong, she would forgive. Unfortunately, as I have said already today, I suspect her reaction is going to be along the lines of: How dare she?

It is what it is.

And I hope I'm not wrong, but it feels like there is a life out there, and it's a life of peace. Something I can't even imagine.

ABSOLUTELY! You are NOT wrong! Good luck! You will be fine though.  :bighug:

It's not you. Let's say for a second it's all you - your mother is great, you're just too sensitive, bla bla. You're an adult moving out. Your wonderful mother will be happy and supportive.

No?

Oh. Well, then. I think I've spotted the problem and it's not you.

Nice one, NumbLotus! You're doing great, pipchick. :)

Great to hear you're moving out Pipchick. What a relief for you.

Moving out is a stressful enough process without all the extra toxicity emanating from your mother. No wonder you've also been coming down with an illness. Who wouldn't under the circumstances?

Based on everything you've said about your mother in this and your previous thread, you are definitely making the right decision. She sounds the absolute worst. To set it up so that you found your brother and your father is beyond reprehensible. Who wouldn't be severely traumatised by that? I hope therapy will continue to help you through this very difficult history.

I daresay there will be all sorts of eruptions from your mother, along with threats etc, and from some FM relatives too, once they realise what you've done. But you can weather this storm. You have the right to live in safety and peace. I look forward to updates about your escape from this prison. And I hope your dogs are doing ok.

Good luck to you and know that I'm thinking of you!   :bighug:

Please don't let your mom suck you in about the dogs - SHE is the one who is supposed to be caring for them, not you.  If she asks/tells you to change what you're doing so you HAVE to take the dog to the vet Wednesday morning, I'd stick with a very calm, Medium Chill, "I can't do that." - and REFUSE to JADE.

If *really* pushed beyond the point of reason and she won't let you leave without telling her why, remain CALM and say:

1.  You have a deadline at work and can't miss it.  :ninja:

2.  You have a job interview you can't miss.  :ninja:

3.  You have a doctor appointment for your cold and you can't be late.  :ninja:

4.  Anything else that is boring but plausible and believable.  :ninja:

You also have another alternative - if she's being hostile and combative and won't let you leave, get to a safe space (the bathroom, perhaps - or your room) and call the police.  Tell them you're an adult and your mother won't let you leave.  :ninja: :ninja: :thumbup: :police:

After that, it should be NO surprise to her that you moved out!  :bigwink:

BTW - your note.  Short and sweet is best.  Mine said, "I moved out.  I'll call you in a few weeks when I'm ready to talk."   :ninja:

Mind you, that was back in 1983, so if you think she's going to blow up your phone, you might want to consider blocking her number for the duration of your few-weeks' cool-down period.

You might like the silence so much you don't unblock her.  8-)

You'd mentioned before all the ways she could try to make you feel bad or guilty for moving out, or all the ways she could hurt you with words.

There's another way that wasn't discussed and I want to bring it up because it's unbelievably cruel and cold - you call them and they act FINE!  All they really want to talk about is their new storage room/workout room/sewing room, etc - which was *your bedroom!*   :wacko:

That's how Didi and Ray acted - I barely got a word in while they gushed about their new storage room and all the places they were going now that I wasn't cooking dinner for them (read:  holding them back and tethering them to home).  :stars:

I was sorry I called, truth be told, and I barely talked to them for months.  I wish it had stayed that was and I'd been smart enough to know - or at least, had been armed with the proper tools, so I'd know to NEVER let these people in our lives again!

You ARE armed with the proper tools and CAN make the smartest decisions for yourself!  :yes:

Personally, I think she'll be more ignoring due to the bf sitch, but pile on a little guilt about *dogs she has chosen to own.*

And I think you probably won't hear much from her until the bubble bursts, she paints the bf  the blackest shade of black and *that's* when she's probably going to start bombarding you with endless calls and texts. 

Right now, she's got something else to occupy her - it's when that person is gone that things can *really* go bat-shit cray-cray!

But you don't have to listen to or put up with a word of it, when the time comes!  :ninja:

:hug:

lol, you are right NumbLotus - there is logic. :)

Thank you, PeanutButter and Psuedonym :hug:

Thank you, doglady: the support from this forum is just amazing in such a difficult time. As to how she will react, I still don't really know for sure. She is extremely vindictive and spiteful, so I guess we will see. Whatever happens, the least likely is the tears and begging. That's not how she operates.

WomanInterrupted: I am leaving today while she is out at work, so I don't foresee any issues. I think you may be right, though about the ignorance. My mother is likely to do the thing most calculated to hurt. I won't be calling her. I think you are spot on about her having someone else to occupy her, but here's the thing. That can't last. She's used to getting fear. She's used to hurting me. Nothing personal, I'm sure. It's like it's her drug of choice. So sooner or later... a week, a month... she's going to turn that evil on someone else. She'll have to. She can't survive without it.

I am just glad it won't be me. I have a lot of healing to do now. I also have a few things to work on about me so that I'm not acting like her, which is horrible but it has to be faced. I've learnt bad habits in personal relationships, but I can unlearn them.

Honestly, and this is something I talked about in therapy, I really see this as ending very quickly in no contact. When/if she does contact me, she won't be able to help herself trying to get guilt and fear out of me. And as soon as she does that, I'm going to explain the consequence, which will be no contact. The chances of her being able to maintain any kind of low contact relationship with me where she isn't trying to score points and/or project etc is, sadly, zero.  :(

At this point I am committed. If the choice was letting her hurt me or certain death. I choose death. But it's not death. I think it's actually going to be okay.

Ipdate:

I've said goodbye to the dogs, taken my last taxi full of stuff and have left the letter and posted the key. It's done now.

I'm in my new place... surrounded by stuff. What I want most of all right now is sleep.

Excellent news!

What a relief! Im soooo glad your safe! Now you can relax to take care of you. IME there may be a period of blue now that the big change is done. You are and have finally stood up for your inner child to protect her. Dont forget. Be the mother you never had to yourself. ENJOY! BECAUSE YOU ARE WORTHY!

It's a brand new day!

It is! Let us know how it goes, pipchick. :)

Thank you all. I got a text message a couple of hours ago now. It said:

Have you moved out are you bothering coming back

I haven't replied. Theres not much to reply to. The letter said I moved out.

Typical to ask a question that the letter specifically answered ime. Maybe some selective intelligence manipulation? Either way i would not respond to anything unless it was staight up all bs aside communication from her finally seeing the error of her ways.
Good luck with not taking any of the bait. You are freee.yay

Thank you PeanutButter  :)

I have to remember I'm not doing it to her. I'm doing it for me.

I feel like this just proves she never cared tbh.

Yup, she's just trying to force some sort of engagement with you. You know, the kind that never end well? :blink:

So proud of you pipchick! You recognized your situation was not safe and unhealthy, and then, in seeking help, you took the necessary steps to protect yourself and your sanity. That is huge. Absolutely huge!

Now that you are on your own, I highly recommend making a written budget where you sit down at the beginning of each month, write down all your bills and expenses, and then portion out your paycheck accordingly. Anything left over, can go straight into savings. The idea is to keep track of every single one of your dollars (or whatever currency) and make them work for you, not against you.

The reason I mention finances is because that is the one thing most likely to create stress for you now, and the only thing that could make you even consider going back. In other words, now you're out, let's help you stay out. :bigwink: If you need further help, feel free to message me, don't want to totally hijack the thread. :tongue2:

Lol thank you Andeza. I am going to fo that tomorrow as I have two days off now, so I can make a budget. I've never really done that before so I might PM you if I run into anything confusing.

But I think if I make a plan on paper and am not swayed from it then it should work out okay.

Well done, pipchick. I'm so glad you're out of there. Your healing journey is well under way. Sleep well.

update:

I got another sms yesterday morning. This one was nicer. I responded in kind but nothing else.

I feel quite lonely this evening so I am taking myself to the cinema to see David Copperfield.

I always said of myself I never got lonely. Now I think it's because I was saving it all up. When it came, the realisation about my mother made me lonely.

But it is okay. I can take care of myself that way.

I made a budget and will begin a routine for my days starting tomorrow, getting back to a new normal. I've gone back to little things like making my bed each day etc. Those things give me comfort now.

How is it going?

I like the lyrics to this song.  Dwight Yoakam sings it and yes, it is very twangy.  But, oh the lyrics! https://youtu.be/P0C6-N-jY50

"I ain't that lonely yet..."

It's okay to be lonely. That is a Normal human feeling.  It doesn't mean that your decisions and actions were mistakes.  It means you are in a state of transformation.

Update

I've been quiet. I've been processing things and this past week has been a bit difficult with me grieving the dogs and stuff.

Therapy continues and that is helpful.

I've slowed down with reading and stuff now because I get it already. I have the realisation and I've escaped. I'm just kind of... not lost, not really, just... realising I can decide who to be in terms if my character and qualities. I don't need to be what she says anymore. That's quite a big thing, but it's a little like being adrift on an ocean of possibility.

I'm not lost, just a little... aimless. And I dont know how to rest. My therapist says I'm too hard on myself. Like I want to gave figured all of this out yesterday, when it's not really mental - its emotional, therefore it takes the time it takes.

I think being quiet is totally understandable, pipchick. You obviously need to rest and lie low for a while after all that's happened. You must be exhausted.
Feeling aimless is also to be expected. As you say there's an ocean of possibility and an exciting lifetime ahead for you. You don't have to rush anything. I think it's important not to force the next step. Look after your wellbeing and engage in self care and these answers will come organically. Best wishes. I'm so glad you've escaped.