Games

[Hilltop]

On my birthday my mother sent a text all flowery with love hearts and a warm message of happy birthday.  I replied by text as soon as I got it which was about 30mins later with a warm message.  That's where our communication now is, texts for birthdays and holidays so pretty much nothing.  Its all superficial but that is what seems to work.

Until today. Its mothers birthday.  8 hours ago I send a nice happy birthday message with nice GIF etc and nothing.  Although part of me doesn't care, part of me knows she will eventually respond, maybe but this just seems like some silly game.  Don't respond and what, let me know how unimportant I am in her life.  Just when I think hey this is ok, this level of communication works then I am shown no, even with this small communication she will do things that are weird.  I know I shouldn't but it does make me feel bad that she gets a message and just ignores it for hours on end and I think it makes me feel bad because I genuinely believe that's why she has done it.

It doesn't matter that it is her, I would think anyone rude for not replying to a nice gesture saying happy birthday.  With her there is that extra layer of her not responding to get at me, to get a dig in because that's all she has now.  I understand that it's only a text but its just that underlying message that gets sent.

I will continue with birthday and holiday text messages because that's what works for me, however if I thought we were going to just move along superficially I have just been shown that no we won't.  She will continue to play her weird little games even by text.  Please let me know if you think I am wrong for feeling this way about a simple text.

[Boat Babe]

Hey Hilltop. Your feelings are your feelings and you can own them. She's still trying to control you and getting some supply by not responding. The usual.

Deep breath and have a WONDERFUL day ❤️

[Call Me Cordelia]

Ugh. Hey you are never wrong for feeling what you feel! There is a whole context and lifelong history for you leading to these difficult feelings in the moment. It's never "just a text message," with relationships like yours. And sadly, these controlling games she's played with you your whole life are exactly how she's ended up with a mother-daughter relationship consisting solely of texts on birthdays and holidays.

It's good to let yourself feel that wave of grief this is bringing. And then I agree, deep breath, and thanks mom for validating my decision to take a huge step back and take care of my self.

[Hilltop]

Thanks Boat Babe and Call me Cordelia.  Yep no message at all, no reply for the entire day which has never happened before.  It is that history that makes it hard, I went from previously sitting there being insulted and dealing with either saying something and being mocked or not saying something and feeling bad, so losing either way, to now the same game being played out with text.  I am thinking she will send something in the next day or two and if I don't reply she laughs at me for being upset or if I do reply then its like sitting there taking her insults and not saying anything.  Being treated rudely and then taking it.

I did go for a walk though and it did clear my head.  I am trying to leave her behaviour with her.  I did the right thing and that's how I want to be moving forward.  I am trying not to make assumptions about what she is up to.  I just hate the mental gymnastics that go with this relationship.

I really want to put it out of my mind.  I guess I am just disappointed.  I mean we are down to a couple of texts and I really thought it would continue smoothly but no.  These silly games.  I guess it does validate why we have the relationship we have.  I just find it so difficult with her. 

I guess this is just odd for her, its the first time she has not responded.  Usually with all my friends and family we text back to say thanks if a message is sent, it isn't ignored.  I suppose I have to just see it as I did the right thing and its done. 

[SunnyMeadow]

That would get me right in the guts Hilltop. Everything is a game and my whole life I've always try to play it so mother doesn't get upset.  We all know she's sending a message with not replying to your text. If this was my mother, she'd be waiting by the phone to see if I send a "did you get my birthday greeting?" She'd be gauging if her no reply bothered me. It's like middle school games.

I keep some general sayings ready to repeat in my head to try and put her out of my mind. Something like "she's all about drama, this is no different", or "wow, at her age you'd think she'd be more mature".

Isn't it amazing how they truly play by the same handbook?

[nanotech]

My nbrother used to be like this with texts.
If he messaged me I would answer promptly- but  he would then ghost me.
Baiting and ghosting! I'm low contact on text with him now after talking to him about it. He got a very cross and told me how much more busy and important he was, compared to me! Lol.
It's tricky when it's your mum though.
My mum has passed on now.. Mum and dad both used to do this sort of thing, but with phonecalls.
I think I took it for a long time because my expectations were too high.  I lowered them , it was better.
Sigh 😔
It can make us  feel sad -  yet  when I stopped looking for the kind of responses I  always gave  myself, then their non reactions or late or muted reactions, became easier too deal with.
I love them, still , but I accept that I'm not gonna love everything they do. And what they do doesn't define me.
And remember, if they don't seem to show love to you, that doesn't  and never will, make you unlovable.  You're very lovable!

[Andeza]

It's amazing how they'll take the bare minimum and twist it for their purposes. It's quite inappropriate of her, Hilltop. I hope that despite the antics, you take care of yourself and have a nice day today.

[LemonLime]

I'm so sorry, Hilltop.  These people are so emotionally stunted.

My uPD sib triggered me to go LC several years ago.   Since then we maintained an email-on-holidays-and-birthdays-only relationship.   I thought "OK, I can deal with downgrading the relationship to cordial".   

But then she visited mom and I think mom must have told her that I am open to a more warm relationship with her, but that sis must chuck the "rage" tool out of her toolbox and never use it on me again.   I have told mom that that is the condition of me re-entering a relationship with sis.

So, sis picked up a bunch of presents I had left her at mom's house (I had drawn her name in the Christmas gift exchange last year and also left her a thoughtfully-chosen birthday gift).    Along with it was a gift to her from my daughter.    My daughter got a nice thank you note and a selfie of sib, and I got nothing.  No acknowledgment.  None.

So I guess we aren't even cordial anymore.  I'm sure she was furious with the idea that I feel she should not rage at me.   And I'm sure she thinks it's me that should apologize.   So now she is either punishing me with "ghosting" or she's trying to be the one who gets to control the level of contact in the relationship instead of me.  Or both.   It's taken me a very long time to understand that the underlying pathology for my sib is control.    It's her need to control others that is really at the root of all her troublesome behaviors.  It's just that one problem, but it's a biggie.
Might be the same with your mom.  And of course that might not make it easier.
Be good to yourself today.   Hugs.

[Hilltop]

Thanks everyone.  Still nothing today so she has simply ignored my well wishes, which is completely unlike her.  As we haven't had any real contact there has been no way for any drama so I guess this is her stirring the pot. Or maybe just a way to get at me.  Who knows.  With our history the one thing I'm sure of is its not innocent.  She has history of smearing me so it's highly possible she is telling others I didn't contact her.

It hurts but I guess I'll now have to accept this will be the new norm. I've decided though not to react or bring it up.  I will continue with birthday and holiday messages and leave it at that.  Ugh it really shouldn't be this hard,  two seconds for a thanks.  No reply is definitely a message and that in itself is something I'm sick of.

[nanotech]

I'm reading this really good book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay c Gibson.
I can highly recommend it.
It explains what's going on, and offers  tools for dealing with the kinds of behaviours many PD parents present us with.
It's about separating our reactions from our feelings, and becoming more of a detached observer.  It about focussing on  the outcome, not the relationship.
The author talks about Murray Bowen's Family Systems theory - how emotionally immature parents promote  enmeshment and value it over individual development.