Sad name change

[Associate of Daniel]

I unexpectedly discovered yesterday that my uNPD exH has changed his middle name.

His middle name was his father's first name.  He has now changed it to be the name of his maternal grandfather.

I was initially shocked, although not surprised.  uNPD exH has essentially gone NC with his parents, accusing his father of abuse.

But I am quite surprised by my own reaction to the name change.  I'm incredibly saddened by it.  I initially was very overwhelmed with sadness at the whole situation.

And then I started wondering what that would mean for my own plans to change my surname. I have deliberately kept my married name for the sake of ds16 but I have hoped to change it back to my maiden name once he finishes school in just over 2 years.

I'm now wondering if uNPD exH is planning to change his surname at the same time.  If he does, and if I change mine, how is that going to make ds feel?  He'll be the only one with his surname.

Quite possibly ds won't really care.  And quite possibly uNPD exH won't change his surname.  So I may be worrying unnecessarily. 

I have thought of hyphenating my surname but my maiden name doesn't really go well with any other name and I really want to leave my married name behind altogether.

I don't know.  I'm just rambling, really.  Just really sad at the situation.

AOD

[notrightinthehead]

And yet, a name change can be an external symbol of an internal change. We are leaving something behind and become another person. I think it should be done for oneself only and not to please or spite someone else.
When I changed my name I left behind the girl who had been abused by her mother and the woman who had been abused by her husband. My name had become like a whip these people had used to shame and belittle me. I had learned to hate it. They had never called me by the name I use now. They are no longer part of this, my new life.
Change your name, don't change your name, but do it for yourself and your own reasons only. Your boy might find it odd, but it will also open his eyes to the possibility of leaving a part behind and starting afresh.

[moglow]

 

Changing a middle name [for an adult] seems a bit odd to me. Not concerning necessarily but what's his point? You'd think he'd change his surname but I can see the logic in not - THAT would be a big ole mess to unravel and for years to come. A middle name still makes the gesture he feels he needs.

We all do what we do for our own reasons, sometimes as a symbol of change, some out of spite. Me? I kept my married name for pure spite after my divorce because the ex said I "had to change it back." It was one thing he could do nothing about so I dug in on it and stayed. I kept that name for about another 10 years, then Daddy became very ill. Late one night he told me it had really bothered me that I didn't take his/my maiden name back after the divorce. Well SHOOT, I can fix THAT! Unfortunately he passed away before I could do it, but promised myself that once estate issues were completed it was happening. A good friend who handled the estate for me presented me with name change paperwork the day I went to sign off on the final last duties as personal representative. He'd already paid the fee and set up a hearing with a judge to make it official. Best.Gift.Ever. It was very much part of my healing and grieving process and I've had not one regret since.

Do what YOU need and if your son asks, tell him you think this is best for you now in this moment. Honestly he might pay no attention to it whatsoever.

[Boat Babe]

Interesting that stuff happening in your ex's life can stir up feelings for you. I get that. Can you do something meaningful for yourself to just let that shit go? A visualisation of writing it down, making a paper boat of the thoughts and floating it down an imaginary river to the sea? You don't need any of that disturbing your hard won peace AoD.

If you do decide to change your last name then do, by all means, discuss it with your son so that he understands. If he was a girl, the chances are that he would change his family name on getting married anyway and would then have a different name to you and no-one would even blink at this because it is a social norm (woman is "sold" to husband's family with a dowry and loses her own name - ah Patriarchy!) I have had four familiy name changes in my life: the name on my birth certificate, shortly after my father changed the whole family's name for assimilation reasons and that was the name I grew up with. Then I got married and took my husband's name and when I divorced went back to my familiar childhood name. Absolutely nothing changed about me as a result of all this tooing and froing of nomenclature. In the very unlikely event of me remarrying, I am not changing my name again. Enough is enough!

[Associate of Daniel]

Thanks, folks.

Moglow, my uNPD exH also demanded I revert to my maiden name after he divorced me.  Like you, I've dug my heels in and kept my married name.  It's been almost 10 years since the divorce.

What is it with these people?!?

AOD

[Call Me Cordelia]

Honestly I've thought about changing or eliminating my middle name as well. It's my mother's name. So I'm similar to your ex in that regard. I've thought about it, but really the middle name is used so seldom. Occasionally on official forms. I don't even know most of my friends' middle names. It simply doesn't come up. The biggest change is I have simply stopped signing things with a middle initial. I don't think I would bother with it at this point, but should I ever be widowed and remarry, I would keep my current married name as my middle name and my mother's name would conveniently disappear. I haven't thought about that until now lol.

My parents gave me my first name too but something about having my mother's name I just really don't like still. It reminds me of the expectation to be her mini-me.

I was happy to take my husband's name when I married. Both philosophically and I got out of having an odd not-really-Americanized name nobody could ever spell anyway. I always thought it was strangely appropriate, our family always tried to "pass" for normal and never really succeeded! I have encountered people who married and both took a completely new name, and people who did the same after a divorce.

Our names are given to us by our relations. I think this is simply the reality of things, that identity is relational. Who we are is first something we receive, and then we develop that into who we become. So I think a name change can be appropriate when those relationships are just so painful and obviously broken, such as a divorce. Do you have to? No, I don't think your ex can demand that, goodness! It's all symbolic of a deeper reality. Some people may have a hard time with it, both the reality and the name change. Your sadness makes sense, the name change reflects that something is broken here. There is grief here, and so many of these ruptures. Especially for your dear son.

AOD, I believe you can navigate these waters with grace, just as you have been navigating all the tricky stuff around your relations with your ex and raising your son to adulthood.

[moglow]

AOD, mine was actually a good guy for the most part - I failed to recognize or admit until much later that I had no business being married, to him or anyone else. He did have hard and fast "women are supposed to ..." rules [based on his own upbringing] that I completely failed to see until much later on. I just fought back and kept on fighting without doing anything about it, and did us both a huge disservice all the way around. My behavior over the name just extended the pain and nobody deserved that.

It could be that addressing the name helps you let go of a whole lot of residual angst and pain, and places you at more of a remove where the ex and his stuff are concerned. From my perspective, the "simple" change of name led to major healing on several levels. [and yes, the process is somewhat of a pain in the buttocks! Just when I thought I'd changed everything, something else popped up I'd completely overlooked. Still well worth it!]