Dad wants me to bring daughter to visit!!! - am I reading this right?

[p123]

"I can't keep an old man from his grandchildren."

First of all, you totally can. And it's really not your problem. Grandparents can make an effort and meet us halfway, but we shouldn't have to move mountains so they can maintain a relationship with grandkids. That's them screwing up their relationship and making no effort to repair it themselves, instead he outsources the problem to you. It's not your job.

Why does he care now? In my experience, we never know what happened to suddenly make our PD parents reach out, but you can often assume there's a third party that said something to them that made them feel ashamed at their abysmal parenting/grandparenting and then they reach out.

Wouldnt be surprised if something has twigged in his head...... Or someone has said something....

As I've always said hes so self absorbed hes got zero space for anything else in his head. So its possible someone has said something and hes thought "oh yeh I haven't see my grandchildren for years"

[hhaw]

I think your Dad just wants groceries delivered by you and a long chat with you, p.

I also think your DD would be left sitting in the corner, as history would predict and your father would behave just as he's always behaved if you take DD to visit on a weekend.

You can't change, fix or otherwise make your dad more appropriate or grateful.

You can give your dad what you want to give without meeting feeling obligated to meet his irrational expectations and demands, ime.

Your dad will never be happy, no matter what you do.

You might as well make yourself happy and take care of what's yours to care for....yourself, your marriage and your children.

Your father is responsible for himself and the consequences of his life choices.

You couldn't save him from that if you tried and I think you did try.

Release the guilt and embrace your joy, for all its worth, p.

Guilt sucks.

Acceptance is a balm.

[p123]

I think your Dad just wants groceries delivered by you and a long chat with you, p.

I also think your DD would be left sitting in the corner, as history would predict and your father would behave just as he's always behaved if you take DD to visit on a weekend.

You can't change, fix or otherwise make your dad more appropriate or grateful.

You can give your dad what you want to give without meeting feeling obligated to meet his irrational expectations and demands, ime.

Your dad will never be happy, no matter what you do.

You might as well make yourself happy and take care of what's yours to care for....yourself, your marriage and your children.

Your father is responsible for himself and the consequences of his life choices.

You couldn't save him from that if you tried and I think you did try.

Release the guilt and embrace your joy, for all its worth, p.

Guilt sucks.

Acceptance is a balm.

Well groceries is an excuse to make me go to be honest. He doesn't need groceries this is just his excuse.
What he wants is for me to visit regularly, go through all his post etc, get a medical opinion off me etc etc.

100% she'd sit there in the corner. Dads attitude to kids is weird. He seems to think they just need to be quiet and not be heard.

[p123]

Well just got back from 3 weeks away in Florida.
He REALLY milked that one. I know all the tricks now though so ignored him. It follows a pattern.

He starts off telling me how selfish I am going away when I don't get paid (none of your business!) then it moves to how is he going to cope, then hes SO worried about me with all those FOREIGNERS.
Then a few days before hes SO ILL but he'll managed. Then I;ve GOT TO phone him EVERY day.

Ignore it all of course, I phoned him once in two weeks when I was away.

Back now, and its the "I was so worried".....

As expected the visit with daughter thing is forgotten about., Hes now on full tilt to tell me how ill hes been to try and make sure next years holiday doesnt happen.

[lkdrymom]

I love it...a list telling him to ask how the family is.  My father would ask how my kids were but 10 seconds into my reply his eyes would glaze over and he wasn't listening anymore.  He just knew he was supposed to ask about them.

I'm a bit spiteful so this is what I would have done with the granddaughter's visit.  I'd bring her out. But as soon as he got tired of talking to her (2, 3 minutes tops?) the visit would be over and I'd leave.  How can he argue with that?  He wanted to see her and you brought her...that was the entire purpose of the trip.

[square]

That stuff about your "boss" not liking you taking time off or you being selfish (to your wife and kids I guess?) for going without pay and all of that, he doesn't even really believe it.

They are just ways to badger you about how your FATHER doesn't like it, your FATHER thinks it's selfish (to him) and so on.

When you hear those stupid reasons, don't twist your mind to figure out how he doesn't understand you are self-employed, doesn't understand how saving up holiday time and funds is a joy to your family not a burden, doesn't understand how any of it works. Don't look for the logic there because all he's doing is throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing if any of it moves you to doing what he wants.

Great job managing that, one phone call? Wow.

[Cat of the Canals]

When you hear those stupid reasons, don't twist your mind to figure out how he doesn't understand you are self-employed, doesn't understand how saving up holiday time and funds is a joy to your family not a burden, doesn't understand how any of it works. Don't look for the logic there because all he's doing is throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing if any of it moves you to doing what he wants.

square nailed it. They will say pretty much ANYTHING if they think it might get them what they want. Whether or not their words are true/reasonable/rational/etc. is sort of beside the point. They don't care. Everything is secondary to getting their Want.

[lkdrymom]

That stuff about your "boss" not liking you taking time off or you being selfish (to your wife and kids I guess?) for going without pay and all of that, he doesn't even really believe it.

They are just ways to badger you about how your FATHER doesn't like it, your FATHER thinks it's selfish (to him) and so on.

When you hear those stupid reasons, don't twist your mind to figure out how he doesn't understand you are self-employed, doesn't understand how saving up holiday time and funds is a joy to your family not a burden, doesn't understand how any of it works. Don't look for the logic there because all he's doing is throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing if any of it moves you to doing what he wants.

Great job managing that, one phone call? Wow.

When my grandmother didn't like something and wanted to prove she had 'backup' she would proclaim .."well THEY said..." and I would ask her who They were?  She would just repeat THEY louder and louder.  I would ask "who are 'they'?  I want names and addresses" and she would get so frustrated that I would question her.  I assume THEY are related to P123's 'boss'.

[p123]

I love it...a list telling him to ask how the family is.  My father would ask how my kids were but 10 seconds into my reply his eyes would glaze over and he wasn't listening anymore.  He just knew he was supposed to ask about them.

I'm a bit spiteful so this is what I would have done with the granddaughter's visit.  I'd bring her out. But as soon as he got tired of talking to her (2, 3 minutes tops?) the visit would be over and I'd leave.  How can he argue with that?  He wanted to see her and you brought her...that was the entire purpose of the trip.

Yeh I've seen the list "Ask about family" is there......

I know hes not really interested. I tested him once and said "oh son has been really ill". Didn't even register or listen. Nope onto next agenda item.....

Oh yes 100% she'd have literally 30 seconds and he'd be on to the "list"

[p123]

That stuff about your "boss" not liking you taking time off or you being selfish (to your wife and kids I guess?) for going without pay and all of that, he doesn't even really believe it.

They are just ways to badger you about how your FATHER doesn't like it, your FATHER thinks it's selfish (to him) and so on.

When you hear those stupid reasons, don't twist your mind to figure out how he doesn't understand you are self-employed, doesn't understand how saving up holiday time and funds is a joy to your family not a burden, doesn't understand how any of it works. Don't look for the logic there because all he's doing is throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing if any of it moves you to doing what he wants.

Great job managing that, one phone call? Wow.

Yeh see what you mean.....

Dad is also the worlds biggest grey man though. Hes stuck in the 1950s. This is how the world works and I know is his attitude.......

But yeh of course it helps him too.