Why Do I Feel Sorry For People Who Hurt Me

[Kat54]

A person I was dating, we ended things last night. I've been wanting to stop seeing him as there were a few red flags but, but I felt bad.

He seems to not have many close friends it turns out. He works remotely and doesn't see many people. Very nice in many ways, we had a lot of fun but something was nagging me. I finally thought to myself I don't want my kids meeting him. I've seen him grow angry and almost hostile to complete strangers in restaurants we have been out to. I found it pretty unnerving.

I suspected he has some depression and he told me he has ADHD but his pretty big mood swings were becoming more apparent.
He came for dinner the other night and toward the end of the evening he got weird and the conversation was him bashing his ex and then out of the blue he says I'm just like the rest of those women. ... meaning the ex and the last couple women he dated.
It was pretty stunning and he up and left.

I called him a few days later to get an explanation as to why he thought I'm like the rest of those women, and he started yelling at me and saying I don't get it, he doesn't want me in his life and he can't date me anymore, he needs to be free.  The days before we were making plans for a trip to the city and a nice dinner out after a museum. He was very affectionate and "normal"

But yet, I texted him this morning saying I'm sorry he was so frustrated and it was a good bye but I appreciated our time together and hoped one day to remain friends. He writes back we can't be friends and he's busy but maybe we'll stay in touch. He doesn't want to be involved with me at all. It was actually a relief he said that because now the break off is permanent and in a day or so I'll be fine.

Why do I want to be compassionate and feel sorry for him? I should flip him the bird and say now I know why your wife divorced you and move on. I will move on and I'm not sad but I question myself and continue to be nice to people who clearly are not to me.
Even my ex, as horrible as he was I stuck it out for so long. I felt guilty, bad for him he would end up alone, which he is from what I hear.

This is the caretaker part of me... stemming from childhood stuff.  Will I ever have a normal relationship. I'm not ready to give up on having a partner in my life.  Thoughts and how to move forward to healthy relationships.

[Srcyu]

I think maybe looking  a bit further into your reasons for wanting to smooth things over might be interesting.
Feeling guilt/sympathy for them could be prompted by wanting everything to be 'nice' between you. "No hard feelings" as some people claim.

We were raised to keep other people happy at the detriment to our own feelings. Troubling thoughts that someone may need our  undeserved kindness could be an unrecognised cover for what we actually want - harmony.



milly

[notrightinthehead]

Kat54 you have asked and I wonder, have you looked into your own co-dependency? If you re-read your post, it is mostly about him. He seems lonely, hostile, you suspect he has depression, he insults you. He rejects you. Yet you find yourself placating him, trying to continue the relationship.

Like you, I had a less than happy childhood which has left me damaged. But all the bad decisions I made after I left my parental home are on me. That I stayed in my miserable marriage far too long was my decision. That I often behaved in a way that was bad for me, tolerating or excusing abuse - going back or staying with my abuser, that was my responsibility - a consequence of not working on my healing but focussing on the other instead.

I think you might have come to that point - your  "Why do I want to be compassionate and feel sorry for him?" and " I question myself and continue to be nice to people who clearly are not to me" indicates such. And the answer might be - stop! Stop this inappropriate behaviour. It might have been a survival strategy when you were a child but it no longer  is beneficial for you as an adult. And only you can stop it. And you can. You might want to make new rules for people you let into your life. Some of the rules might be - They have to treat me with respect all the time. They need to be kind. They have to be supportive. They have to reply to texts within a certain time. They must be happy when I have some success. Cannot be cruel to animals, or whatever  rules are important to you. Write these rules down and stick to them religiously. People who are not kind, supportive, respectful to you have no place in your life. You have choices now. You no longer need to put up with people who are not good for you. And you can teach yourself to no longer accept inacceptable behaviour. You get to make the rules for people you let into your life. You can keep all these people out who are anything less than kind, loving, supportive, and respectful to you.

I am not in the dating scene but I have made rules for friendships. I no longer allow myself to do more than half of trying to get together. If I have contacted a friend and suggested something and she said no, I wait for her to suggest something else. Sometimes I have to wait a long time. But I feel better this way. No longer that my friendships are one sided. I feel that I respect myself more.

[Kat54]

Notrightinthehead- You are absolutely right. My concern for him, what's happening to him, not thinking of myself. It's been an issue for me but slowly I've been working on being better to myself. Creating boundaries.

I kept his number in my phone for a couple days hoping to hear from him but why?? Its better for me to delete and block his number and put him out of my mind. While he was helpful and supportive at times, very inconsistent and extreme mood swings. This past incident was the first time he was yelling at me and visibly angry when there was no reason for it.