Splitting. Anyone familiar? ( Corollary of Hurt and Confused)

[countrygirl]

Hello again,

Well, spoke to my therapist today.  And, again, thanks to those who helped me limp to my therapist.  I don't know if I would have made it without you. 

She said that she feels my friend does "splitting."  I bet that others here are familiar, because she says that people with personality disorders tends to do this.  The tend to see people as all good or all bad; they split people off this way.  And I think my friend put me in the bad column over the weekend.

Not long after the session, my friend texted to ask if I could talk.  She also sent me a link to an article about a Harvard professor who believes he may have found part of what he calls an alien "gadget" on the bottom of the ocean, and who is looking for more pieces of this possible gadget.  She knows I am interested in aliens, although in later years I have come to think that there are creatures right here on this planet with whom we should learn to communicate and who might have much to teach us, the great whales.  Maybe I would like to communicate with aliens and great whales, because they might be better choices than some of my friends!  (Although there are probably good and bad choices in their populations too.)

So, I agreed to talk, and not one word was mentioned about her behavior and her refusal to communicate with me at all.  Her brother had called her, and she was on top of the world about the call and just wanted to tell someone the good news. 

I did not mention anything either. 

I must find my way out of being treated like a ping pong ball, out of that push/pull as bloomie called it. 

Oh, and wanted to tell Catofthecat that she was one hundred percent right about her taking out anger and frustration with her family on me.

And Moglow, I was already thinking that if she complained that I hadn't called her, I would not be taken in.

My friend who passed used to say that when someone treated you badly, you should think, "You just lost your BEST friend."   This is basically what my therapist said, she said that if my friend rejected me, she had lost a good friend. 

it was just so weird to talk with her, and for none of this to be mentioned. 

 

[moglow]

it was just so weird to talk with her, and for none of this to be mentioned. 

...And I guarantee had you brought it up you'd have been painted as a bad guy for refusing to let it go. She's shrugged it off so everyone else must do the same.  

Remember when she (or anyone else for that matter) asks if you can talk, you always have the option to say Not right now, maybe another day. You don't have to explain yourself. 

The splitting is real with some - I saw mother do it many times, castigate someone for some imagined slight then run them into the dirt (behind their back). You had to be careful what you said because she'd just as quickly flip over to best friend mode and turn on *you* for stating distasteful if obvious facts about the very situation that had set her off in the first place. She wasn't known for apologizing either.

[countrygirl]

I am sorry that your mother "practiced" splitting.  My mother was definitely an N, and according to my therapist, this is often how they operate. 

I hear what you're saying about how you had to be careful, because she could just easily flip on you if you commented on the situation.

I always tried to be so careful with what I said to my mother, and now I find myself having to be careful with this friend.   

And, yes, she decided to move on, so I'm not supposed to mention anything either.  In fact, the main reason she blew up the other day, resulting in what I've been pecking away about here, is that I brought up something, and in a totally neutral manner.

She got worked up over her brother's health scare; she was unable to cope.  But as adults we should be able to deal with our anxiety without taking out our emotions on others, especially not on others who have always been supportive of us.  So, she was all too ready to have me listen to her worries and reports about the brother for hour after hour.  Then, when she continued to be rattled, although his condition proved not to be as bad as she fear, she took her anxiety out on me.

I am dismayed to see that, once again, I am dealing with someone who has a personality like my mother's.  I was sure I was over that!

Thank you, again, Moglow for your advice.  Being able to post here and receive intelligent advice has really helped me.   

[moglow]

Countrygirl, having to tiptoe like this through a friendship isn't very friendly, know what I mean? Mother has systematically isolated herself, cutting off or abusing the good nature of everyone around her all her life. She's mid 80s now and very alone, by choice and by design, yet she would complain about no one calling or visiting. I'm not sure what she expected. Well that's not true, I know exactly what she expected - to run over any and everyone with no questions, no consequences. Discussions and simple conversations were unheard of, it was her spewing a whole lot of bitterness and spite no matter what others said or had going in in their lives. Plenty of people got sick of it and decided enough is enough, including her own family.

What I'm saying is, you don't have to put up with any of this. Hopefully you can find a way to compartmentalize this "friendship" and see it for what it is so you don't get hurt over and over again. Maybe limit your exposure, pull back and find other things to do and other places to be so it's not so convenient for her to walk over you. Just because it's what you always did doesn't mean you have to continue. You can change how you respond to her and her stuff, and may find you're happier for it.

[countrygirl]

Hi Moglow,

It is so sad when people are as unhappy as our mothers were, and who make others sad, eventually driving away their own families. 

It is also sad to see how unhappy my friend is.  She tries desperately to attach herself to various family members, but they all have other people in their lives, so she is ultimately on the outside.

I was deeply hurt when she said I didn't care for her, despite my having shown her every sign of caring which anyone could expect.  I know for a fact that no one else has ever hung in there with her for as long as I have.  Now it is time for me to devote myself more to those who are capable of caring about me in return.

I have several good books to read and some projects to work on, and so will try to move on.  I want to write about my close friend who died some months ago.  You're correct that I do need to occupy my mind with something else.  I realized this the other day, but am now in the stage of starting to talk a step forward, then taking a step back. AT least that's not actually being stuck in place:  At least there is SOME movement.  LOL!

At any rate, thank you again for your attention and your advice.  Sending all possible good "vibes" your way!

[Catothecat]

I had a uNPD "friend" who engaged in splitting all the time.  Once I understood what he was doing, I stopped responding, instead acted as if nothing had happened.  But I also got tired of dealing with it.  I got tired of always feeling I was managing the friendship rather than having a friendship.  So, he went from being a "best friend" to someone I seldom saw and limited my time with.  Interestingly, after I went LC with him, the splitting stopped.  I guess he found someone else to engage with. 

[countrygirl]

Hi Catothecat,

Sorry that I kept calling you Cat of the Cat! Instead of Catothecat.  I like both!

Sorry that you had an UNPD friend who also did this splitting.  And it's good that you withdrew some from him.   It is ironic that the cloeer we are to these people, the worse they treat us.

By the way, you were right about my friend taking out some anger and frustration toward her family on me.  The idolizes the family, so of course they can never do anything wrong.  But I sure can!  So any anger she feels toward them is displaced onto me.

Even now, after what happened a few days ago, she is still doing this splitting with me.  Yesterday she sent me an article about some books she thought I would like, plus talked to me several times.  And yet, just beneath the surface, I can feel all of her anger toward me. 

Any time anyone in her family receives special attention--whether from something good or bad:  having a baby or having a serious medical condition--she has to bring the focus back to herself.  It is all about how SHE responds to it. 

I am trying to hang onto what my therapist said:  That she is someone who is incapable of being a safe and trusted friend to me, that I feel as if I'm walking on eggshells around her, which is what I felt from the friend I originally wrote about here.  Just can't believe that this friend turned out to be exactly the same.  I do have good, supportive friends, true friends, too, but I really struck out with these two.

And it has been getting close to them which brought out the worst in them.  I guess once THEY feel safe, they feel free to dump on me.  I am so worn out. 

It is going to take me a while to move through this. 

[countrygirl]

Hi,

I have been thinking about what Catothecat said about one of her friends from whom she had to withdraw:  That she got tired of managing the friendship rather than just having a friendship.  Well, this friendship has become all about managing it, because of course that's what walking on eggshells is about.

Night before last, we were having a conversation when her brother called.  I hoped right off the phone.  My friend called me back an hour and a half later, when it was well past my bedtime.  When I didn't answer the landline, she immediately called my cell. Then she said her brother had spent the whole time talking about how much the nurses in the hospital had liked him.  This had been his topic the last time she'd spoken with him.  He is such an N.

Yesterday, she apologized for calling me so late, and I said it was okay, that if I'd woken up later and hadn't heard back, I would have been concerned.  Not that I'm so wonderful, but I am able to let go of petty concerns, such as being phoned later than usual, when a friend is upset.   

I am trying to be considerate because she has been so worried about her brother--even though he was actually very lucky and is fine now.  And now she has become obsessed about maybe having the same problem, although she's had every test known to mankind, all negative.  By the way, for the past year or so, she has had one health obsession after another, all negative.  And I have listened to every complaint, and tried to reassure her.

So yesterday we were in the middle of an interesting conversation, when she took another call.  It was about a medical appointment, but not something she is particularly worried about. When she got back on the phone with me, she was suddenly very cold, and dismissed me--as if she were a queen who was dismissing a servant she didn't like.  She can do this:  Switch in a second. I asserted myself a little bit and said that I'd like to
 finish our conversation. Then she blew up at me, saying we could talk later. 

But just a few minutes afterwards, she texted that she didn't think she should talk later, claiming that our exchange over the conversation, which had just taken a minute--and of course I agreed to talk later--had caused her tinnitis to act up.  She said she would call after returning home from the doctor today.  So, once again, I was abruptly and rudely dismissed.  She told me not to reply and said goodnight.

I'm sure I've said this before, and I hate to write about it but feel that it makes my situation clear--I am housebound.  Friends have always been very important to me, but now more so than ever.  Yesterday, I just wanted to be able to leave.  I wanted to get into my car and go away someplace.  This friend is someone I thought would be a friend for life, and now she is being what my therapist calls just short of abusive.  My BFF says she is not being just short of abusive, that she is abusive.

It is not only the way she dismissed me, but that she's ready to explode into anger at any minute, despite being friendly to me in other ways yesterday.  I guess this is more of the splitting.

She wants to have all of the power in the relationship.  She is using her current medical obsession as an excuse.  But she has behaved this way when she wasn't obsessed about an issue. When I say the power, I mean that she insists upon being the one who dictates when we talk and when we don't. No one likes being treated this way. Her text yesterday was a case in point:  She said she wouldn't talk later; instructed me not to reply; said she would call me after the doctor's today. 


It has reached the point that I need to withdraw from her.  At various points in the friendship, I have felt as it I were a faucet, or a TV, something that provided something she needed, but which she could turn off when she didn't.
 

Another bad thing is that when she treats me as if I have done something wrong, such as asking to finish a conversation, I actually start feeling guilty. I know this template was created by my UNPD mother, but I have to fight against feeling guilty. 

To come full circle to Catothecat's earlier reply, I am trying to manage the friendship, constantly thinking about what I should or shouldn't do, and agreeing to not speak. 

[Catothecat]

One of the parallels I see between what you write about your friend and my experiences with my NPD friend, countrygirl, is how you feel like a TV being turned on then off, or a faucet.  That, exactly, was how I felt around my NPD friend.  I was his audience, his confidant, his co-conspirator, but I was never actually his friend.  I was always expected to play some role, and that role he assigned.  When it came to me and my needs or issues, however, I could be dismissed as essentially unimportant, as someone who was being demanding, essentially as a negative in his life.  I was only a positive when I was doing something for him.  Even when we would be having a good time together, I was always aware that it was all on his terms and he could quickly shift from being someone fun to be around to being a mean SOB if I did or said something "wrong."  I was spending my time with him reading him for positives, while he was spending his time with me reading for negatives. 

That's the walking-on-eggshells part. 

I, too, thought he would be a bff, and it was hard to eventually go NC with him (we'd been friends for about 15 years) but I believed I had to if I was to have any self-respect.  Putting myself out there for him to abuse wasn't my idea of a friendship, and that's what I'd been doing all those years. He didn't respect me, he was using me, and because he'd gotten away with it for so long, assumed he would always get away with it.  I was the one who had to make the decision.  And I'm still not comfortable with that decision and in some ways I miss him, but I know he was never going to change and the sense of walking on eggshells would just return, same as the inevitable abuse, if I kept a connection.

Yes, this all takes some time--it certainly did for me--but it gets easier the farther along the process you move.  I gained a lot of perspective when I compared this friendship to others I have.  None of them were "this hard."  Even in those friends who have various personality issues, they still aren't "this hard!"

[countrygirl]

Hi Catothecat,

I'm sorry you had to experience this with a long term friend.  My friendship is also long term, and we've been through so much by this time that I assumed we would be friends for life. Just as you felt your friendship was BFF. 

But a friendship with her, it turns out, is exactly what you describe about your friend:  Any time my issues or needs come into play, I am dismissed as being a negative in her life.  During her brother's illness, she has called me repeatedly, describing every aspect of what was happening with him.  And the other day, I offered to help her with airfare if she did decide to go visit him.  Today, after dismissing me yesterday, she has informed me that she will be calling when she returns from the doctor's.  She will describe every detail of her interactions there. 

Yes, your "I was spending my time with hm reading him for positives, while he was spending his time with me reading for negatives," is an apt description of what my friendship has been like. I admire how lucid and succinct you are.  I hope I reach that point, because everything now seems like a big crazy pain stew.

I understand choosing to go NC.  I am not at that a point yet, but I am getting there.  I do feel like a punching bag!  AS I said earlier, she will not be real with her family, and so as you correctly surmised, she is taking out her anger and frustration with them on me. 

My therapist said that she would not change, that she had no motivation to do so.  But, she will not change, period.  She has had others walk, but she does not change her behavior. 

Yes, comparing and contrasting a friendship like this with friendships that aren't so hard is truly revealing.  It does give you perspective.

This morning, I received a call from a friend whose husband has gone from being hospitalized for brain bleeds, to time in a rehab facility and now is in a nursing home.  She has no other family members, so has been supervising her husband's care, while working with his assistant to keep his business going.  This is a very bad time for her. And her earlier life wasn't easy:  She lost her mother at an early age and lost her only child died from a drug overdose.  Now this.  Today she found out that the nursing home has been invested with Covid, and her husband is one of the patients who has it.  It seems that the new strains produce mild symptoms, but her husband's lungs are bad, so this is another thing for her to worry about. 

I write all of that to establish that she's really going through it.  It's not as though she's perfect--no one is--but she has been warm and appreciative toward me throughout this time.  I have talked to her every day since the start of this spiral, starying with her husband's heart attack.  Even in this situation, she does ask me about myself from time to time. And she hasn't snapped at me, not once.  So this provides quite a contrast to the friendship about which I'm writing.

This friend is not ill herself; her brother did have a scare, but all worked out really well.  But now this friend is stressed out about herself, and I am the scapegoat.

I'm far from perfect, I'm sure I say things to everyone that annoy them from time to time.  But I am fine with discussing anything and working through it if someone has an issue with me, or if there's something they said or did which annoyed me.  In contrast, this person just shuts me down if she doesn't like anything I saw, and it feels as if all that is good is ignored.

I do think the answer here is time.  I know that I will reach my limits.  It took a long time for to reach those limits with my "Super N" friend. 

I have felt so hurt, but now I feel some glimmers of anger.  I do not deserve this treatment.  I have stressors in my life too, and dealing with her abusive treatment only adds to my stress.  Besides, friendship or any relationship just shouldn't be like this.  I am there for her, but she is not there for me; and I am constantly made to feel that my being there for her is inadequate. 

Thank you for your reply.  As I always feel on this board, I am sorry that others have endured whatever I'm writing about, but it is so good to be able to communicate with someone who truly understands this pain, and who has emerged from it.  My therapist tells me I am resilient, that I have gone through much worse than this, but at the time, it doesn't feel like it.

[notrightinthehead]

Countrygirl, could you take a step back and look at this friendship in a bigger context? How it affects your ability to interact with people,  especially the time and energy invested  in her, which you could otherwise invest in connecting with other, healthier people? People who bring joy, or interest, or knowledge to your life?

I have found some hobbies late in life and through these hobbies I have met some pleasant, apparently healthy people. This allows me to feel connected and allows me to feel good about myself while channeling my energy in my hobbies and spending time with people who bring something positive into my life.

All too often people become boring with long stories about their illnesses and mishaps, one after the other. I used to become trapped in commiserations, worries and hopeless attempts to come up with solutions. Now I cut such topics  short and focus on what we can do and what fun there still is out there. This has led to some people fading from my life and made space for others.

You sound like a warm hearted, empathetic, compassionate woman and people seem to use you to unload their pain on you. You can choose how much you let others dump on you, but you also need to protect yourself from taking on more than is good for your own well being. Hopefully you also have friends who bring something positive, uplifting to your life.

[countrygirl]

Hi Notright!

I applaud you for focusing on the positive in life. 

Yes, I do have other friends, and really reached out to them during this time.  I also reconnected with the twin brother of my dear cousin who passed early last spring.  He reminds me of her, and we had a wonderful conversation.   He said he felt that his sister had brought us together.  I replied that I was sure this made her happy (or would have made her happy, depending on what one believes).

But I'm glad you brought up the topic of being overburdened because there has been a development with the friend about whom I've been writing here. Yesterday, she learned she has heart problems.  I was somewhat surprised, because prior to this, every medical worry she's had has proved ungrounded.  However, this was not a case of the boy who cried wolf.  Her mom died of a heart attack, as did an aunt, and I've written about her brother's recent issues. I will be there for her, because I do care bout her, as difficult as she has been.

HOWEVER, from this point on, I vow to be cautious about those I let into my life.  This friend did a good job of hiding her issues until we were good friends.  Then I just hung in there.  I'm afraid that the next time I meet someone who starts letting their bad side out, I am going to walk away.  I NEVER want to do this again. I have not thought enough about what dealing with these people has done to me.  I can't take it anymore.

Regarding the splitting, I think she is like this herself:  With very sharply delineated good and bad sides.  We all have good and bad characteristics, but she can be like night and day.  Of course I have a temper too, but mine doesn't flair up like hers.

At any rate, Notright, thank you so much for your advice.  This is the last difficult friend I'm having. 

[Amy-Rose]

Hey Countrygirl! Hope that you're well and doing great (aside from this problem).

Yeah, the whole not mentioning it again thing happened to me. And it's really trippy because you begin to wonder if it even happened or if they remember it (if it's been a long time). I saw the person the next day and nothing was mentioned. She never even asked me what her Father had said about her to me, nor how I'd been able to witness the event that happened to know she was lying. It was like it was instantly erased.

Definitely know about splitting as my friend with BPD did it all the time, just not so much to me. More to partners and her sister. They just have to perceive you've done something and suddenly your in the black zone and you have no idea why.

[countrygirl]

Hi Amy Rose!

I was wondering how you were doing!  Have you had any rescue animals this spring?  Was the hedge ever released?  I think I lost track of you before that had happened, if it did happen. Forgive me if I've forgotten.  I'm surprised I'm functioning as well as I am at this point.  LOL!

I'll tell you, I'm still walking on eggshells with this one.  She's being very nice to me because I'm being supportive during her health crisis, as I was during her brother's. I wonder when she's going to next explode.

YEs, it is weird when people act as if nothing has happened, isn't ti?  I guess that's the easiest out:  Just pretend it didn't happen.  And, this time, I am going along with ti, because I was just wild last week.  I was pecking away here all the time, reaching out to everyone I knew, etc.  I really need some peace and quiet. 

Calling it "the black zone" is a good phrase.  That is certainly what it feels like!  Or The Twilight Zone!   And she is sort of split personality, because she can be very warm, but other times she's like berserk Goth. I have always really cared about her, so this has been painful.  But I'm starting to be less enchanted, and am thankful that I'm starting to feel that way.  Nonetheless, I will stand by her until her health improves.

When you get a chance, let me know what's new with you!   

[Amy-Rose]

@Countrygirl
I was wondering how you were doing!  Have you had any rescue animals this spring?  Was the hedge ever released?

I'm doing pretty good. The hedgie was released but kept coming back home. In the end the Rescue decided that instead of relocating him else where to force him to be wild he can just be feral. So he began coming home to bed and going out wandering at night. Until one night at 3am he never came home. I literally lost my mind! Thankfully, he returned the next night and let me follow him to his nest among some discarded old logs at the bottom of my garden. So now he's staying out all year but comes by every night for his treats and some fuss. This way I can give him regular flea and tic treatment, I can treat him for parasites and he'll hopefully live longer.

I had a wild baby rabbit, but sadly she passed away. I had two more baby hedgies but they also passed away. They are very fragile and we just found them far, far too late. But it's me quiet. Most fostering happens at the end of summer. This is because everyone are having their last litters and the new babies don't have enough time to prepare for winter so late summer/early autumn is my main times for fostering. I had a wild duck for a week with a broken leg. But he's now been released.
I have my regular visits, mainly my female black bird who I fostered and my grey squirrel. They would never be able to be fully released as they'd relied on humans for too long. So they live feral in my garden were I can keep an eye on them. Especially with the squirrel as she is now about ten years old and that's old for a wild squirrel.

Thanks ever so much for asking about them. x

Hope all is well with you guys xxx

[countrygirl]

Hi Amy Rose,

It sounds to me as if the hedge gets the best of both worlds!

Glad the duck recovered quickly.

I didn't realize that about some litters of animals being born too late in the year.
 

I didn't know you had a black bird resident and a grey squirrel.  There are red squirrels at my parents' house, and my grandfather had some wild albino squirrels which would come onto his porch and eat nuts from his hand.  We are a squirrely bunch--in more ways than one!

Our critters are doing well.  I am the only nut in the household at the moment, speaking of nuts.  Dealing with my UNPD friend, and the N isn't for nuts!

Take care,
Countrygirl