Chokehold & slammed by stbPDx...

[BefuddledClarity]

Not really sure what I should do right now...I contacted the domestic hotline but it feels like talking to someone who reads a script... My alcoholic PDsoon-to-be-ex put me in a chokehold and slammed me against the ground a couple of times to where it was hard to breath. His PDfather just went to pick him up after I said I would call the police. I dialed 911and he freaked out and said to wait and that he's leaving...so I gave him the courtesy to leave.

I don't want him to come back. I pay for all the bills and he doesn't help anyways and constantly complains and drinks alcohol all day now.

I got this apartment to get AWAY from him, but was sweet talked into taking him back. I lost all trust there was for him.


In the past, he used to shove me hard against the walls and put his hand on my throat to intimidate me---so I left him for a week and he BEGGED me to come back and I gave in.


He'll be sober for a few months then go back to drinking and get moody when he comes home and call me a "stupid lazy bitch" despite him hardly helping around the house or paying for anything. He said he "offered" to pay, but doesn't take any initiative at all.

My body feels sore and my tongue is bleeding after having my head slammed to the ground and biting my tongue by accident ...

Past posts on partner:

Questioning my Sanity


Trying to Leave this Madness

When did your relationship reach the point of no return?

Kicking out Spouse

Leaving Toxic In-Laws Behind

2 Steps Forward, 1 Step Back

Is it Worth it

Tired of Constant Criticism


What should I do??

I reported him to CPS previously, and now he uses it against me saying that if I report again, then we BOTH will lose are son and it will be my fault.

The whole fight started over him calling me a lazy bitch and me not backing down. I don't like being called names. He bossed me around to move our son while he cleans the living room to have company over last minute. Then since I refused, he rammed my foot several times with the vacuums until I shoved him several times angrily away from me. I sat down while he called me names, and I just laughed unless and went whatever and kept talking back. He got EXTREMELY angry and got in my face, so I shoved him away from me and that's when he chokehold me and slammed me saying I'm "petty" and started it by "putting hands" on him despite him provoking me in the first place.

So yep...that's my story...Should I report to CPS again? Call back 911? How the hell do I even report this anyways??? What do I do???

[Poison Ivy]

I suggest going to an emergency room.

[JustKeepTrying]

Please consider going immediately to a domestic violence shelter.  If only for a night.  There will be people there who can help.  Give you someone trained to talk to and guide you through this.  Give you a moment to breathe and make sure you aren't hurt more than you think.

Get a restraining order. asap

when you talk to the people at the shelter, ask about child protection (i don't think they will automatically remove him if you report your ex) and all the ways you can protect yourself.

If you need to, enter the shelter system and move.  Sounds extreme but you are in an extreme situation.  I have met women in this situation while volunteering for our local shelter.  Use their resources.  They can help.

[Bunnyme]

Please consider going to the ER and possibly the police.  Going to the ER will at least let you document the incident.  If your head was slammed against the ground, you could have a concussion. 
Your safety and the safety of your child are all that matter.
I'm having a physical adrenaline reaction just reading your post.  I am so sorry this is happening to you.  Have you contacted an attorney?  A consult doesnt obligate you.  They can clarify for you what your rights are as far as you son and maybe put your mind at ease. 
  big virtual hugs.  Do you have a friend or family member to go to for support?

[gfuertes]

I second go to the ER.  Even if you're not having a medical emergency, that is how you document - from reliable professionals - any physical evidence, as well as at least having them confirm what you've said happened.  And when they ask if you want to make a police report, you say yes.

How useful reports are can vary.  They're not a guarantee.  But they're guaranteed better than *no* reports, and your word against his.

Don't let him scare you into not reporting what he's done.  People like him love - and are strangely skilled at - making their victims feel complicit in their troubles.  CPS *might* care, if you're habitually returning to someone who physically abuses you in front of your child.  But quite obviously the bigger concern is him doing the abusing.  These are not equivalent problems.  Don't let him make you feel like they are.

[BefuddledClarity]

I suggest going to an emergency room.

I hadn't thought about that to be honest but I probably should go...It's late here and my little one is currently asleep. Thinking of calling out tomorrow soon to get my head straight...or maybe I should work to keep my mind off of things. I just need to tell the daycare lady that I'll be picking up little one after work and not his dad....

Please consider going immediately to a domestic violence shelter.  If only for a night.  There will be people there who can help.  Give you someone trained to talk to and guide you through this.  Give you a moment to breathe and make sure you aren't hurt more than you think.

Get a restraining order. asap

when you talk to the people at the shelter, ask about child protection (i don't think they will automatically remove him if you report your ex) and all the ways you can protect yourself.

If you need to, enter the shelter system and move.  Sounds extreme but you are in an extreme situation.  I have met women in this situation while volunteering for our local shelter.  Use their resources.  They can help.

I'm the only one on the lease of these apartments and ex keeps losing the spare keys I gave him. He currently doesn't have access to my place. I don't want to leave my own space, I finally have my own spot. I'll just call the cops on him if he comes back. I packed all of his stuff and left it at the door. I don't want him back. I definitely need to look into a restraining order soon though just to be safe. I'm just highly disappointed in who my ex has become that I feel ashamed to call him my partner anymore...

Please consider going to the ER and possibly the police.  Going to the ER will at least let you document the incident.  If your head was slammed against the ground, you could have a concussion. 
Your safety and the safety of your child are all that matter.
I'm having a physical adrenaline reaction just reading your post.  I am so sorry this is happening to you.  Have you contacted an attorney?  A consult doesnt obligate you.  They can clarify for you what your rights are as far as you son and maybe put your mind at ease. 
  big virtual hugs.  Do you have a friend or family member to go to for support?

I guess I should go to ER...I feel tired right now and was thinking of going tomorrow. I attempted to call police twice but hung up twice like a coward since ex "calmed" down and said he'll leave. He wouldn't leave until I threatened to call police. He left behind all his clothes, his gaming console, and even his own phone. So, he'll technically have to come back...I just don't want to think about him right now.

This whole week, I've been affectionate with partner but he's been blaming me and saying I have an "attitude"...When I'm not happy 24/7 and legit tired from office job, he'll tell me "you have no reason to be tired, you sit on your add all day"...Okay...despite the fact I'm doing all the child rearing, cleaning , finances, etc and feeling stress that I don't have an equal unless he feels like being an equal.

Unfortunately, no, I don't have friends or family here really. My brothers here said they'll try to help but that their car is down and it's late ight now so the buses don't run but that I'm welcomed to come to their place. I don't talk to my aunt here anymore after I reached out for help and she told me to "figure it out" and lectured me. I don't reach out to my ex's family when they said they'll be helpful, because now they say "Oh, let him cool down" and "He's drunk, YOU shouldn't talk/disturb him while he's drunk, it's your fault".


So in otherwords....I'm shit out of luck. I live in this city where none of my friends are. I feel isolated. I had one friend recommend I move to into their house temporarily which is 1,221km away...Can't really do that since that'll be consider child kidnapping most likely, even though that's my own child.

I don't really want to separate my son from his father---his father is an asshole to me, but my son loves his dad and I would feel terrible....


Sorry for the rambling...I feel a bit stubborn but you guys are right that I should get my legs moving and set things in motion. It just all feels like a terrible nightmare where I wish I could wake up from it and be in the arms of the old loving partner I used to have and not this monsterous alcoholic who lost who he was...but I know he won't change and chooses alcohol over his own family...

The sad/ironic part of this was I FINALLY changed my mobile wallpaper that I had for maybe a year or two of one of my favourite characters from a TV show to a picture of my partner and son---since my partner has a picture of my son and myself as his wallpaper.

I quickly removed that picture after he slammed me, so I told him it's over and I'm done. He told me I'll "regret" breaking it off with him since I'm a "lazy bitch" lol.

I second go to the ER.  Even if you're not having a medical emergency, that is how you document - from reliable professionals - any physical evidence, as well as at least having them confirm what you've said happened.  And when they ask if you want to make a police report, you say yes.

How useful reports are can vary.  They're not a guarantee.  But they're guaranteed better than *no* reports, and your word against his.

Don't let him scare you into not reporting what he's done.  People like him love - and are strangely skilled at - making their victims feel complicit in their troubles.  CPS *might* care, if you're habitually returning to someone who physically abuses you in front of your child.  But quite obviously the bigger concern is him doing the abusing.  These are not equivalent problems.  Don't let him make you feel like they are.

Damn, that's already three people saying to go to ER, I should go now...I feel tired but what you say makes sense...

I was worried because I've returned twice so far to abusive ex. I got these apartments in my name only because I was going to go on a couple months "break" but he didn't want that. Basically, when I got this place the prior apartments of ours lease wouldn't end until 2months. My plan was to take a 2month break where he lived in our old apartment and I live in the new one I got myself...But the times I was planning on moving stuff, he(or actually, his family kept asking to borrow the car which was really annoying) suddenly needed to use the car and it got late, which made me feel too tired to do anything for rest of day....

Anyways, I'll go to the ER right now. I have to gather up my son here in a bit. I'll update the post in regards to how it went....

Thank you everyone.

[Boat Babe]

Hello Befuddledclarity. I hope you have been able to get to the hospital and that you are physically OK.

Now you need to consider this. You have been assaulted. You have been the victim of a crime. His behaviour is escalating dangerously (strangulation is  an indication of extreme violence) Your child is at risk of long lasting trauma by being anywhere near his father doing that to his mother. There is NOTHING to be gained from having ANY contact with this man. You are trauma bonded and, although you have made fantastic progress, you are still a bit FOGgy round the edges when it comes to your ex.

My opinion is that you must report this assault to the police. You also need real, tangible support other than this forum as we can only provide moral support. You need real life protection. Talk to your nearest DV project ASAP.

Your child WILL NOT be removed from you because HE is violent. That's what all violent, coercive men say. It's complete tripe! Don't believe it for a second. Don't let that lie influence your future decision.

Please, please protect yourself and your little one. Sending love and courage.

[SonofThunder]

Hello Befuddledclarity. I hope you have been able to get to the hospital and that you are physically OK.

Now you need to consider this. You have been assaulted. You have been the victim of a crime. His behaviour is escalating dangerously (strangulation is  an indication of extreme violence) Your child is at risk of long lasting trauma by being anywhere near his father doing that to his mother. There is NOTHING to be gained from having ANY contact with this man. You are trauma bonded and, although you have made fantastic progress, you are still a bit FOGgy round the edges when it comes to your ex.

My opinion is that you must report this assault to the police. You also need real, tangible support other than this forum as we can only provide moral support. You need real life protection. Talk to your nearest DV project ASAP.

Your child WILL NOT be removed from you because HE is violent. That's what all violent, coercive men say. It's complete tripe! Don't believe it for a second. Don't let that lie influence your future decision.

Please, please protect yourself and your little one. Sending love and courage.

[Stillirise]

BC,
I'm just now catching up on this thread, and am praying you're ok.  What a truly scary ordeal for you!  You've received excellent advice and support above.  I just wanted to add that as hard as it may be, now is the time to put the safety of your child and yourself first.  Do whatever it takes for you to do that.  If it takes fleeing to friends or family in another city, do it.  Under the circumstances, you won't be accused of kidnapping, or lose your child over it.

Sending you strength and courage!

[1footouttadefog]

I would go to the court and try to get a restraining order or ask the DV people how to do that.

If you need to move again then do so this could be life or death.  Also, your car is almost like a life line for you don't loan it out. It's yours and the other adults in your live can call a cab, Uber or 911if they have an emergency.

Your responsibility is you and your kid or kids.

I wish you well, stay strong.

This is a dangerous situation building.

[square]

BC, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

My two cents is this: the voice in your head that's been implanted by him, your aunt, other people you know, and portions of society at large is going to be telling you, today or later, that it wasn't quite that big of a deal.

It was.

Choking behavior is another level. When statistics are calculated for intimate partner murder, choking/strangulation is a significant predictor, beyond other types of violence (which are also of course really serious).

Your brain may say, yeah, but he didn't really do it that hard, it's not like I blacked out or anything...

IT WAS VERY, VERY SERIOUS.

If your mental voice is saying these things, you are in good company. Most people in your situation have the same recording playing in their heads. No judgement here. But that message is WRONG.

To make a move to deprive blood or oxygen to your body or brain is HOMICIDAL. Even if it wasn't "that hard."

DV centers vary. If the help you get is not helpful, come back here and let us help you get the strength to try again elsewhere. Unfortunately, the system does not have wonderful knights who come, like the fire department to a fire. But there ARE resources and help IS available. But you have to be your own knight, and keep fighting.

When you're not sure, remember, he handled you in a HOMICIDAL MANNER. To move to potentially deprive you of blood and oxygen is the ultimate breaking of boundaries.

I also think it's time to fight for sole custody. It's lovely to consider son and father, a winderful relationship. Your son is young right now. How will his father treat him later? What will his father teach him? How has his father treated him right now - moving to potentially deprive him of his mother?

I know it's so easy for us to say, we don't have the relationship with him that you do. You've had good times, wound your lives together. You saw something good in him. But this is an emergency. Whether he changed or just fooled you all along,  this isn't okay.

We're here for you.

[Poison Ivy]

 

[BefuddledClarity]

Hello Befuddledclarity. I hope you have been able to get to the hospital and that you are physically OK.

Now you need to consider this. You have been assaulted. You have been the victim of a crime. His behaviour is escalating dangerously (strangulation is  an indication of extreme violence) Your child is at risk of long lasting trauma by being anywhere near his father doing that to his mother. There is NOTHING to be gained from having ANY contact with this man. You are trauma bonded and, although you have made fantastic progress, you are still a bit FOGgy round the edges when it comes to your ex.

My opinion is that you must report this assault to the police. You also need real, tangible support other than this forum as we can only provide moral support. You need real life protection. Talk to your nearest DV project ASAP.

Your child WILL NOT be removed from you because HE is violent. That's what all violent, coercive men say. It's complete tripe! Don't believe it for a second. Don't let that lie influence your future decision.

Please, please protect yourself and your little one. Sending love and courage.

I'm okay, I went to the ER yesterday and took little one with me. No fractures or anything, but my body is sore. I created a police report on the spot with them

I feel really irritable that my ex apologized to me yesterday and today stating how he doesn't want to "be like his wife-beating father" yet in the same breath said "But I'll keep drinking beer, just not liquor since licquor makes me crazy" followed with "Don't tell me not to drink, I don't like being told what to do, I choose on my own time when I won't drink". He said that when I said I don't want to he in a relationship with someone who drinks.

He started comparing drinking with cleaning the house. He said that "I can sit here pointing fingers all day like you, like how you don't clean the house but I don't". How the HELL is drinking remotely the same as cleaning??? Also, I LITERALLY cleaned yesterday and the day before. I moved all his stuff to the front door too which made the house MUCH cleaner. In other words, he's the messy one.

I have the police report already...I may report again to CPS but want to have all my ducks in a row first. Need to get an attorney and figure out child custody.

BC,
I'm just now catching up on this thread, and am praying you're ok.  What a truly scary ordeal for you!  You've received excellent advice and support above.  I just wanted to add that as hard as it may be, now is the time to put the safety of your child and yourself first.  Do whatever it takes for you to do that.  If it takes fleeing to friends or family in another city, do it.  Under the circumstances, you won't be accused of kidnapping, or lose your child over it.

Sending you strength and courage!

Thank you! I've considered moving where friend is at but I don't know yet. I've moved around from town to city, city to different state etc that I feel tired.

I would go to the court and try to get a restraining order or ask the DV people how to do that.

If you need to move again then do so this could be life or death.  Also, your car is almost like a life line for you don't loan it out. It's yours and the other adults in your live can call a cab, Uber or 911if they have an emergency.

Your responsibility is you and your kid or kids.

I wish you well, stay strong.

This is a dangerous situation building.

The DV person yesterday told me I can file the restraining order with the court. I'll see if I can do it online and send it ...

They took my car without asking me, I never borrow my car out to them. I'm very peculiar with my car which qpissed me off when my ex "borrowed" it but really just let his family use it. My ex said since he's on the insurance,then he can use the car whenever he wants. Funnily enough, I pay for the insurance and the car is only under mine and my older brother's name.

BC, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

My two cents is this: the voice in your head that's been implanted by him, your aunt, other people you know, and portions of society at large is going to be telling you, today or later, that it wasn't quite that big of a deal.

It was.

Choking behavior is another level. When statistics are calculated for intimate partner murder, choking/strangulation is a significant predictor, beyond other types of violence (which are also of course really serious).

Your brain may say, yeah, but he didn't really do it that hard, it's not like I blacked out or anything...

IT WAS VERY, VERY SERIOUS.

If your mental voice is saying these things, you are in good company. Most people in your situation have the same recording playing in their heads. No judgement here. But that message is WRONG.

To make a move to deprive blood or oxygen to your body or brain is HOMICIDAL. Even if it wasn't "that hard."

DV centers vary. If the help you get is not helpful, come back here and let us help you get the strength to try again elsewhere. Unfortunately, the system does not have wonderful knights who come, like the fire department to a fire. But there ARE resources and help IS available. But you have to be your own knight, and keep fighting.

When you're not sure, remember, he handled you in a HOMICIDAL MANNER. To move to potentially deprive you of blood and oxygen is the ultimate breaking of boundaries.

I also think it's time to fight for sole custody. It's lovely to consider son and father, a winderful relationship. Your son is young right now. How will his father treat him later? What will his father teach him? How has his father treated him right now - moving to potentially deprive him of his mother?

I know it's so easy for us to say, we don't have the relationship with him that you do. You've had good times, wound your lives together. You saw something good in him. But this is an emergency. Whether he changed or just fooled you all along,  this isn't okay.

We're here for you.

I don't know why I feel so...numb about it and I keep making excuses when there really isn't. I knew a couple of women who were in my spot at one point and I wondered"Why didn't she leave him when she has a baby?" And "Why is she not pressing charges when he almost murdered her?"... I told myself that if I was ever in this situation, I would leave and yet I didn't for so long. Now I see why these women stayed too.


My ex and I were "chill/peaceful" with one another last night [I'm still irritated] when he came back up to this morning until we got into the argument of his drinking. He was complaining about his dad being drunk and putting hands on him...and I told him he shouldn't let his dad treat him that way and I slipped in "that's how I felt when you did that to me". He even went on a long lecture about how he doesn't want to end up like his dad and become a wifebeater and his whole life story of his abusive parents and life...

Then...got into an argument about his drinking. He brought it up saying when he was in the homeless program, he couldn't do what he wanted, like drinking, smoking, etc and that he doesn't like being told what to do and he will choose when he quits drinking because he's a grown man. I told him I don't want to be with someone who drinks and that's how we ended up in an argument just a while ago.

I told him to leave, and he ended up calling different apartments to find a new place but was disappointed after every call...

I'm literally the one financing everything in this house without his help and he says "that sounds like a personal issue, I already  offered".

He's annoying and drunk so I'm cooling off right now trying to work[currently on lunch break]---I work from home. We're ignoring each other at this moment.

[square]

I'm not here to judge, just to add one voice to yours, which is fighting another voice.

You already know it, but:

He is not going to be a wife beater like his father, he already is.

He's also following in the footsteps of a man who beat his son.

You do not have to clean anything at all to earn the right to not be beaten. You could be the laziest slob in the world - you're not - and he wouldn't have the right to lay hands on you.

He should be sobbing on his knees in shame, not pretending there is the SLIGHTEST equivilence between your housekeeping and his BEATING YOU.

He wants to quit beating you like I want to lose ten pounds. Would ne nice, but, nah. Too much work.

[BefuddledClarity]

I'm not here to judge, just to add one voice to yours, which is fighting another voice.

You already know it, but:

He is not going to be a wife beater like his father, he already is.

He's also following in the footsteps of a man who beat his son.

You do not have to clean anything at all to earn the right to not be beaten. You could be the laziest slob in the world - you're not - and he wouldn't have the right to lay hands on you.

He should be sobbing on his knees in shame, not pretending there is the SLIGHTEST equivilence between your housekeeping and his BEATING YOU.

He wants to quit beating you like I want to lose ten pounds. Would ne nice, but, nah. Too much work.

You're right, he already is a wifebeater now. His dad used to beat his mother while she was bruised and bloodied on the ground and tried drowning her in the toilet. Then his mom stabbed his dad and she used to chase both my ex and his sister with a knife in alcoholic rage. Their whole family is something else...

He said he's sorry (supposedly) and won't do ever lay hands on me again nor drink LIQUOR in particular,but he's still drinking lol. Wouldn't matter if liquor or beer, it's just ridiculous.

I just feel irritated at his constant asinine criticism over little things. I'll clean and organize everything, but because he didn't see me mopping the floor, then I'm dirty lol. I do the floors AFTER I'm done cleaning everything else and he always offers to "get the floors" while I get everything else. He'll move things around to clean, but I like to clean and organize thoroughly, so it takes me longer and is more of a project instead of a simple clean. Plus watching little one who's hyper...

But I digress lol. I feel in a better mood, just tired and funnily enough, cleaning since it's the weekend and that's what I do.

[JustKeepTrying]

BC

I am gonna say    to all that has been said but add something you may not have considered yet.

You keep mentioning how tired you are.  I know you are basically a single mom and working and that would tire anyone but there is something else.

Being in the fog is tiring.  The constant walking on eggshells, fear, decision making, regret, indecision, and horror of what you are going through is tiring.  Emotionally depleting.  And that is exactly where a PD wants us - when we are tired we can't make decisions so we put it off one more day and one more day and one more day -

You are in your own place.  Don't let him in.  Don't answer.  Or go away this weekend and crash with the baby at a friend's.  File first thing Monday.  This is your life.  Your child's life.

We got your back.  You got this.

[Liftedfog]

I speak from experience.  If cps gets involved they will question your ability to protect your child from him.  They have no sympathy for whatever problems he has. If you can't show that you are being a protective mother they will take child away from both of you.  Once that happens you will need to go to court to get child back.  Be prepared to spend thousands of dollars in legal fees while your child sits in foster care.  You need to kick ex out. If you are living with him even off and on you allow him in the home this will be a huge red flag and question your judgement and your mental health   Not to mention you are perpetuating the cycle of abuse on your child. It's wrong. Your only priority is to protect your child.  You can't do that if you live with ex. You can't do that if he hurts you badly or ends your life.  That is the harsh reality.  Kick him out.  Get a restraining order. File for full custody.  Get therapy.  This shows cps you have your ducks in a row.  If they see that they will be your greatest support and arrange for supervised visits for ex and child.  You need to have full custody and a judge to order supervised visits for child.  Supervised at a third party center. Not supervised by family given that his whole family seems to be unstable.  Wishing you best of luck. 

[SonofThunder]

I speak from experience.  If cps gets involved they will question your ability to protect your child from him.  They have no sympathy for whatever problems he has. If you can't show that you are being a protective mother they will take child away from both of you.  Once that happens you will need to go to court to get child back.  Be prepared to spend thousands of dollars in legal fees while your child sits in foster care.  You need to kick ex out. If you are living with him even off and on you allow him in the home this will be a huge red flag and question your judgement and your mental health   Not to mention you are perpetuating the cycle of abuse on your child. It's wrong. Your only priority is to protect your child.  You can't do that if you live with ex. You can't do that if he hurts you badly or ends your life.  That is the harsh reality.  Kick him out.  Get a restraining order. File for full custody.  Get therapy.  This shows cps you have your ducks in a row.  If they see that they will be your greatest support and arrange for supervised visits for ex and child.  You need to have full custody and a judge to order supervised visits for child.  Supervised at a third party center. Not supervised by family given that his whole family seems to be unstable.  Wishing you best of luck.

Liftedfog,

I'm so very sorry you have had experience with this kind of physical abuse.  But, there is no better council then from someone who has been down the same path.  Surely, Befuddled will consider your points well made. 

Also, as a male, it sickens and angers me when other males allow themselves to be physically violent with anyone (male or female) in a manner that is not in a protective (self or others in their circles of responsibility) and I am sorry that women (and men) experience this from my gender.   

SoT

[Simon]

Also, as a male, it sickens and angers me when other males allow themselves to be physically violent with anyone (male or female) in a manner that is not in a protective (self or others in their circles of responsibility) and I am sorry that women (and men) experience this from my gender.

[Boat Babe]

Also, as a male, it sickens and angers me when other males allow themselves to be physically violent with anyone (male or female) in a manner that is not in a protective (self or others in their circles of responsibility) and I am sorry that women (and men) experience this from my gender.

Thanks guys. Male allies are the best.

As a white person, I feel the same about racism and discrimination.