Enabler M hoovers on behalf of uNPD sis

[whitedeer]

Hi all - new here  Any words of advice/perspective for when enabler mother (eM/Non, I'm pretty sure, maybe some NPD tendencies...still figuring it all out...?) comes around, wants to chat on phone and "shoot the breeze" etc. when she's more or less distant from you all the time lately?

I sense she wants something/has an agenda. She hoovers on behalf of the uNPD sis I'm trying to be LC/NC with since Sept/Oct, saying I should text her/message her (because she's always struggling, the only FOO allowed to struggle). By the way, I don't think this is reciprocated; I don't think she pressures her to text me much.

I wish there was a subforum "dealing with enabler parents" (until I really suss out NPD from just plain N tendencies in M) so sorry if this is in the wrong section - but eM acts as sis literal mouthpiece sometimes.

If I even say "I'm busy, I can't take a call this week" I'm expecting the guilt trip/withdrawal from M all over again like in summer. And with CPTSD I really want to avoid an EF again (I'm finally climbing out of one that's been going for over 1 week). But on the other hand, I can't help but be curious to see if she got in touch purely to get info from me about other siblings and to push uNPD sis's agenda back on me. And, further confirm my theories about my FOO dysfunction to myself...

Plus, phone convos can be an EF trigger for me.... maybe I'm answering my own question here....

Worth it? Not worth it? Thank you in advance. 

[Penny Lane]

It sounds like you don't really want to take the call. You say you're curious about what she'll do. What if you looked at your history with her and made a very informed guess, and then just told yourself that's what she would've done?

As for strategies for avoiding it, you don't have to out and out say you're not going to talk to her. Sometimes a "I'm super busy right now but I'll call you when I'm able" (and then do call, when you're in the headspace to handle it) is the path of least resistance. If you haven't looked at the toolbox yet, it has some good strategies for setting boundaries with people who won't take no for an answer. I especially like medium chill.

[whitedeer]

Penny Lane, I appreciate your response and advice so much! You're right - I don't really want to call or talk to her

Since sticking up for some of my boundaries this past summer, phone conversations with her seem to end on a "bla" note. It's as if on her end, there is so much to be desired and she's disappointed. (I'm sure that's why she's waaaaay more in touch with my other siblings than with me...they give her what she wants and she gets the morsels of "drama".) I don't share things with her anymore about my emotional life/mental health anymore.

Again, I'm new here and still a bit in shock about how much in the FOG I am, and how much I haven't been seeing things clearly. There's so much to untangle. The past few times I've talked to eM on the phone she has imposed obligation and guilt-inducing things on me with no regard for my boundaries, needs, work schedule, state of mental health, or well-being at the time, pandering to my uNPD sis's and her own needs/wishes at the expense of my sanity, energy, and hard work (and despite the fact that I was coming forward to whole FOO about recovered memories of abuse/neglect in FOO before/during that time, that uNPD sis completely questioned/denied/minimized...doesn't want to address it, continues to just push boundaries). I just don't have a valued role in this FOO, I'm a dumping ground for everything.

I told her that I've been feeling very unwell and have to catch up on work, and maybe we could talk during the weekend. Which is true at least - I'm way behind on work and I'm exhausted. She accepted my response and hasn't followed up, and at least she's being sympathetic and not "guilt inducing" like she's been in past conversations.

And that's the part that makes me curious: she's being sympathetic. But then I think, maybe that's just hoovering (?). Or maybe she's actually feeling lonely and could use some supportive words from one of her kids (my uNPD sis sometimes "cuts off her supply" from time to time, and then she bounces around between us, feeling lonely I bet...). And I do genuinely feel for her, she's getting older and she's on her own most of the time.

But then I remember how lonely and uncared for I have felt at some of my lowest times this past year. And she wasn't there for me....so I think better of acting on my sympathy....but my sympathy and empathy for her are still there, and it's hard, and it hurts.

[FoggedFrog]

Hi and welcome!

I also struggle with enabler parents, so feel free to make more posts. I am sure plenty of us with Nsiblings can totally relate and sympathize with you.

I know that for me, my parents can be emotional vampires (it's all they know). They use me as therapist and also as a person to put blame on for everything. My whole life it's been negative, negative, negative. I've been more stubborn and insistent lately that I only want to hear positive things from them. If they want to shame, blame, and complain, they need to find another human for that purpose, because it won't be me. Maybe you can enforce a similar policy. Could you at least ask her in text what to talk about? You could say you have very limited time to talk on the phone, so you need to make you your get to the point quickly on a call. This could potentially be helpful but your milage may vary. At the end of the day, only you can decide what the best course of action is.

Good luck!

[whitedeer]

Thank you FoggedFrog  I'm grateful to hear that.

Yes...growing up, my eM seemed to be very negative, even moody, from what I remember. Once all us kids left the house, she was suddenly a very happy person. I have not once seen her be negative like she used to, it's strange. Maybe she shouldn't have had kids... (But then I wouldn't exist.... Hmmm)

I'd get compared a lot to other people by her when I showed emotion, was "sensitive," or struggling with making friends and loneliness. Be more like your cousin, be more like blablabla. I grew up feeling like what I was innately wasn't OK. Stuffed my emotions and natural self down but it comes exploding out at some point... (C-PTSD)

For my uNPD sis, though, she catered to her every single whim and need, saw her emotional struggles (and the struggles of my other siblings, too) as genuinely concerning and authentic... But not mine. Worse, my uNPD sis mocked and made fun of my depressive states, loved minimizing my experiences, and told me that what I felt could ways be worse (always reminding me she has it harder). I grew up a warped person and about a year ago I broke down from it.

It's weird... Now this "rule" is passive aggressively enforced by my family. I'm not outright mocked, minimized, or even bullied directly by family like before (except by uNPD sis), but I am slowly and quietly being shunned by everyone as an adult just for establishing some boundaries.

And instead of negativity/moodiness from eM, the "negative" vibe isn't blatant anymore. Instead it seems to be more so low-key info gathering so she can talk with other family members about me, OR vice versa... Try to talk about other siblings with me (but I don't that anymore, what I like to call "gossipy speculation" ) ...

Anyways, I'm 1000% ready to tell her I don't want to talk about my siblings. She will probably act all weird and said about it. She wants to talk tomorrow but I have half a mind to just act like I forgot, and only really try to chat if she texts me....

I'm tired of being talked to and having it never really involve me.... I'm more like an impersonal resource or sounding board....