Toxic Sister

[Kat54]

I've been posting on this board the majority in the separating and divorcing section about my ex uNPDh, with whom I'm now divorced.  In having a lot of self reflection and how I ended up with such a verbally and emotionally abusing husband, got to go back to those early formative years growing up in an emotionally abusive home with my alcoholic mother and then my father who up and left us for another woman. And I don't blame either one of them for how my life turned out and loved them both dearly, but...

Its sad how out of 7 siblings we all have managed to end up in one way or another in therapy, suicidal, drinking problems, and mental health issues, but we all love each other immensely and talk to each other, and have had successful careers. Which brings me to my sister, because like I said all the drama and mess in my life I can trace back to my childhood. Not to blame my parents, we all lived in a middle class up bringing, my dad had a great job, my mom, despite her drinking and mental health issues tried her best and felt she did love us.

My older sister, and I have several sisters, she was probably the meanest to us growing up, and bossy, I guess typical sister stuff. But she had the undeniable mean streak in her and she never apologized for it.  The last few years I've grown farther apart from her as her continued toxic relationship with her family in my opinion has gotten worse. Once the sister who would speak her mind and make everyone gasp, today I avoid her and never go out of my way to call her because the conversation usually goes to her barking at you at some point over a very wrong misstep in her opinion as she jumps at the chance to correct you in the demeaning way she does.

Her new thing over the last several years in the age of social media is pointing out the wrong over social media for everyone to see!  First she started with a niece who lives in another state who posted something about being unhappy about the way she felt about herself and a bad haircut....my sister chimed right in and commented about how right she was, basically saying what an ugly frumpy person my niece was...for everyone to see.  There was a talking to her from my niece, and thankfully the poor girl undid all her social media ties to my sister.  My sister could of cared less of course, as she was correct in what she posted.  Next came myself at one time. I had posted something and I guess my grammar skills were not up to par for her; so for all to see she bashed my poor sentence structure. I went right back at her on social media and told her to stop, she had no right to act that way, and she came right back insisting I needed to bone up on my grammar and word usage.  This has happened a couple times and both times after trying to call her, I would text and ask her to please stop doing that and embarrassing everyone. Last time she replied with a thumbs up emoji, like yup, got it, understood...not really.

Last night my daughter came into my sisters cross hairs. My daughter posted something in her story on Instagram, out with her girl friend for her friends birthday, in this time of COVID. She said it was a few friends in an empty restaurant. She's been very responsible about who she is with as she works for a Dr and wears a mask all the time. But, My sister started in on her about how irresponsible she was about being in a crowd with no masks on, having a party, not socially distancing. Daughter called me hysterical crying, she took it all down so no one would see.
I've repeatedly asked my sister to stop with this behavior, and now its my daughter, and it really hurt her. I haven't called my sister yet but I plan to, my daughter asked me not to but this is the last straw with her. She's out of control with her terrible bashing and absolutely no filter in what she says to people as she's always right.  She gets into big fights with her sister in laws, and I've heard them say how much they hate her and what an awful person she is. I think they are right, but  I truthfully think there is something seriously wrong with her.  This last incident with my daughter is the last one for me. And there are people who no longer speak to her, and she doesn't seem to care.   I'm thinking she has a personality disorder??

[Andeza]

Definitely toxic. As for pd, no idea. But she sounds like my DHs Gma. His family has started blocking her on social media, for the sake of sanity. In her case we suspect HPD, but again, we have no actual diagnosis.

Do you recall the old saying any publicity is good publicity? That's how it is with these people on social media. They don't care if they get called out, because all attention feeds them, good or bad. She is not going to change her behavior, and the only thing you guys can change is her access.

Might be time to change some settings, I'm afraid.

[ScarlettOHara]

Why bother to talk to your sister about this again?  You've done that before and, clearly, she doesn't care.  It's way past time for you and your kids to ensure their profiles are locked down and your toxic sister no longer has access to them.  She makes these comments to get a reaction out of you and by calling her you are giving her exactly what she wants.  It's time to stop that, for your own sanity. 

As for whether she has a PD, that's tough to say.  Maybe she does, maybe she's on the edge of having one.  At the end of the day though, it doesn't really matter that much.  Her behavior is pretty clearly toxic and there's no reason you need to put up with it.  What does she add to your life?  Anything positive?

[DistanceNotDefense]

I second ScarlettOHara and Andeza. Actual potential PD diagnosis isn't so much relevant as the actual behaviors....and these behaviors sound gruesome! But could very likely be PD. Especially if these behaviors are aimed at your daughter.

It sounds also like your daughter is almost scared of her aunt's retribution. Like "no worries mom it's not a big deal!" to keep it from capitulating, afraid of where it might go next. But I think you're right in standing up against her and protecting your daughter like a good mom should. IMHO, say your piece to your sister ("stay the heck away from my daughter if you're going to act this way") or just block her on both you and daughter's social media and move on towards a more peaceful and happy life (or do both).

And I agree that any further attention/clarifying your stance/JADEing after confronting her about it will probably only feed the flame, that's what they want is the attention and drama, period. It doesn't matter what message you try to drive home, they're already high on the supply and it sounds like you sister is who she is and she won't change....and that's a lot of work to try and change someone like this (even if you love them) compared to simply protecting yourselves, and hoping they one day get the message.

[Kat54]

Thanks for the advice. I myself blocked her from commenting on my Instagram, not that I put anything personal up, and I did with FB as well. My daughter has done the same.  I love my sis but she really puts a lot of stress on our relationship. I recently have been going out of my way to be more conscientious about calling her more as at times she can be very generous and loving. But this other side of her is gruesome, is a good word. So now I'll be back to not calling her, not that she even cares because usually when you call she can't talk, busy with something, or she's just running into a store so she has to hang up. My other sister all say the same thing, you call her and she can only talk to a second, she's busy.