One month since phone call

[Sojourner17]

HI all,  this is more just a check in than anything else.  All's quiet on the western front here.  Im having some weird physical symptoms though.  I cant really describe them other than trauma headaches.  I've gotten them from time to time when under a lot of stress or dealing with traumatic things.   The very back of my head, just above my neck has been causing me issues for the past week.  Im assuming that they are coming on now due to what is going on.  My body is definitely reacting to what is going on...funny thing is,.. nothings going on.  Other than the "lovely" package that was sent two weeks ago, We've had no contact whatsoever. 

Ive decided to do another unsent letter.  I started it yesterday but its going to be slow going to get it done.  I think I will post it in the unsent letter part of the forum when it is done. 

My husband and I have talked about it quite a bit this past month.  The other night i just cried.  I think its grief.  Grieving what was never really there,  grieving the illusion/ the mask/ the picture that was plastered over the reality.  Grieving what I wont EVER have.  Not really grieving what was.  Whats done is done.  Its the fact that my reality is I don't have an extended family.  For all intents and purposes I'm pretty much an orphan.  Its the looking at the reality and the ugly truth of the matter is....we have been, and are, alone.  And nothing can really change that.  Ive known that we were alone in my mind and heart for a while...but this aloneness is....just really...i dont know...words cant express it really.  We are in the wilderness...the storm is raging all around and while we are safe in our little home...we have no one to come to help us.  Dramatic i know...but thats where Im at right now I guess.

Grieving that BOTH parents are what they are...and wont change.  Knowing that I must do the hard work of change, the heavy lifting so to say, while they just keep on being them, doing what they are doing.  I must say, im a bit more angry about that part...but it is what it is.

I havent really decided anything past me not initiating contact.  Im seriously toying with going no contact.  Or just slipping into no contact.  Im just so done with it all and want to move forward with life instead of constantly looking at the past.  We also have to decide how to best handle it when our ds's start asking why we havent had contact lately.  They havent said anything about talking with grandparents this whole time.

[Srcyu]

There is something going on, sadly, your heart and mind have an awful lot going on.
I'm sorry it's made you cry.
It's the end of hope basically and it's a hugely emotional place to reach. Low contact is, in theory, protecting you from future hurt.

I had planned to let my children still see their grandmother, which would of left the door open - as they say.
Unfortunately, she took it upon herself to send me a really vile letter. She couldn't be allowed contact after that.

That's what no contact is - the physical act of saying, 'No.'

[Sojourner17]

Windmill,  I'm sorry that you received such a letter.  Letters like that hurt quite a bit. 

yes,  I think it is the end of hope.  That's really the word that fits...hope-less,  Its hopeless to keep on doing the same thing expecting different results (or is that crazy  ).  Its hopeless to look for support and encouragement where none can be found.  Its hopeless to expect someone who twists words and events to fit what they think (or convince themselves of) is reality; to see/do/be anything other than what they are.  Its hopeless...a perfect graveyard of wants, needs, expectations, dreams and visions.

I like what you said about low contact being protection from future hurt.  Im physically "low contact" right now.  Im waiting for my emotions and thoughts to reach that same point of low contact/no contact.  The rumination, the thinking on the past, the inner "conversations" that I have with them/myself.  That's where I am now.  My brain/thought life is still contacting them.  Still calling out.  Yet, at the same time I want the TIME to process (however long it takes, days, months,...years).  I dont want outside forces hurrying me, pushing me, prodding me.  I want space.  Space to get my mind/emotions inline with my body, space to heal. 

It feels weird to write about it in this way.  I've always been one to wax poetic so to speak.  Writing poems, thinking up stories in my mind, using my imagination.  I feel like Anne from Anne of Green Gables with her poetic words.  I think in the book LM Montgomery writes her speaking of her life being a perfect graveyard of broken dreams.  I should read the book again to see.   

I think i will make a transition over to the "working on me" section, the "unsent letter" section...maybe the "no contact" section.  Im not really dealing with my unpd parents right now (other than in my own thoughts).

[Srcyu]

Your sadness is immense, I can feel it in your words. You still seem very attached to them. I was 'lucky' in that I felt/expected very little from my birth woman. Her abuse towards me began very early in my life. I grew up with myself, if that makes any sense. I learned to look for ways to cope, completely on my own, as a survival tactic.
The up side being that no contact was a blessed relief.
My father, who was a much better parent, died quite prematurely.

I so hope that you begin to make progress.
I will look out for you in other areas of the forum.