Tainted Love

[The Butterfly Effect]

I'm in NC with my FOO and on my healing journey.  With healing comes pain and what seems like a never ending defragmentation of me and my uNPDm & family. This is a long winded rambling post but I feel I really need to get this 'on paper' and out there. Please bear with me.

On my healing path I have moments of clarity where I can't  recall where my mother (uNPDm) & I had that mother & daughter bond and neither with my enabling father.

My father, though married to my mother, was absent with his work.  Absent in every sense of the word: seldom at home & unavailable emotionally. He was the disciplinarian and very distant. He would 'save up' any grudges he had with me and then give me a dressing down when I was alone at home with him. It's no suprise that he has never muttered those words of 'I Love You' to me.

As a child, I dreaded the times my mothers plans took her away from home because I knew that a verbal attack was going to take place. I was anxious, on edge and my tummy would be in knots.  These attacks went on for hours whereby I would have to stand still in front of him and listen to him telling me about what I did wrong during the preceding days, weeks and sometimes months, what arguments I had caused in the family and what was wrong with me.

It became so intolerable I would try and make sure I was out of the house when I knew my mother was out. If my friends couldn't hang out, I'd take myself off to a play park on my own or I'd window shop, anything to pass the hours until i knew my mother had returned, just to escape his control and vitriol.  It was also a futile attempt on my part because it was just something else to add to his 'grudge list' because my plan didn't evade him. I was never going to outwit him.

I confided in my mother what would happen when she went out and I remember vividly her telling me to just keep out of his way or go out with friends and that was the extent of the discussion. Even then I can recall how sad I felt and how dismissive she was of me for telling tales. Talking of friends; I wasn't allowed 'sleep overs' as a child. I wasn't allowed to have friends in the house. I was often told to go out and stay out of trouble (I never did get into trouble).  But when I did go out with friends she would make sure the time spent having fun was cut short because I had chores to help her with. My friendships suffered and at that time, I gradually lost all my friends because my house (my mother) wasn't inviting and I was one of those friends that didn't reciprocate friends hospitality or have bonding sleep overs etc.  This resulted in my mother and sister ridiculing me for being friendless and that I wasn't likeable.

My mother and I didn't have 'quality' time together. We didn't hang out. Definitely no girlie time, boyfriend chat and absolutely no sex education. I was given an elementary book to read to cover that. I had my first serious boyfriend when I was 16. I confided in my uBPDsis (my mothers right hand woman though I didn't have any knowledge of this when I was a teenager) that I was taking the contraceptive pill (CP) She of course told my mother and my mother flew into a rage about sneaking off to the Dr and not talking to her about it!

My boyfriend and I split up when I was 19 and that's when the slut shaming started. She went rooting through my drawers, my cupboards - my privacy my space - and threw my CP away telling me that I'd no longer be needing it because I was no longer in a relationship. I went back to my Dr for another prescription and this time hid them in my bedroom in places I knew she wouldn't look. I would set up traps in my room (placement of books, underwear in colour order) and I would know she had been searching through my things looking for anything that could and would set her off and incriminate me, in her eyes.

I finally left 'home' just before my 21st Birthday with a suitcase of my belongings. I had barely any sense of self, I was afraid to make decisions and I had very little self worth. But somehow I landed a good job, a decent wage, made friends, had a social life and met my now husband.

My 20s brought me many many lightbulb moments and I started to open up my eyes to my FOO dynamics including my SG role.  My mother fluctuates between The Queen/Waif realm and in the main, the ignoring persona.  I sailed precariously through my 30s with an unrelenting General Anxiety Disorder.  My 40s; I found my voice/courage and began to stand up to my mother and the family dysfunctionality. I celebrated my 50th Birthday last month with my FOC.  I have a fulfilling job, a loving home and great friends.

I ask myself, "What have you lost Butterfly?" And my answer: I've lost the fear, the obligation and the guilt. I just wish I had lost them much much earlier. I know there will be further hurdles to navigate and emotions to feel.  Nothing is ever smooth sailing. The self work continues...

You grow through what you go through.

But still, I want to wrap my arms around my inner lost child and soothe her with love, kind words, wisdom and affection.  Today is one of those days.

Thank you for reading 

[Srcyu]

What a lovely post, so sad and yet beautifully written.
I stood with you as your awful father verbally abused you. Thank goodness there was no other sort of abuse from him. At least, I hope not.
My father was also absent even though he came home from work every night. He had a big dirty secret involving a woman that he paid for ' services' He knew that no-one would believe me. But now years later, I can quietly acknowledge that I knew him far better than she did.

Going through drawers and belongings also happened to me. How lovely to have underwear to keep in colour order! Wow. Extreme physical neglect was part of my upbringing. I didn't fit in too well at senior school, no-one wants to be friends with the school scruff.

I too left 'home' aged 21.  I also managed to meet my husband and have  a family of my own.

My inner child still sits in the corner of a certain room in the childhood 'home' I don't know what to do about her.
My teenage self still stands in the kitchen finding no sanitary products - again, because she 'needed them all' and had taken them away to her room.

My sister was also the tale-teller and worked hard to be the favourite.

Thank you for writing. It brings my own sadness to the surface but in a peaceful way. I liked your use of the word 'wisdom' if only our parents could have had some.

[The Butterfly Effect]

I thank you Windmill for sharing some of your experiences.

It's both affirming and incredibly sad that you too had to experience neglect in your former years. Your mothers neglect for your dignity is unforgivable as a woman herself. And as for your fathers 'secret'; he abused his adult position to subjugate you, the child.  The conflict I can imagine was just plain confusing.  It sickens me as an adult the devious tactics of some parents towards their vulnerable and dependent children.

I'm working on looking forwards whilst putting the past where it belongs. Our upbringing shapes us but it doesn't define who we are. I am strong though at times I feel anything but.  I am resilient though I have battled with imposter syndrome. And I am wise because I have been hopelessly naive.

There was a method in my madness with my stealthy traps and they worked. To the unbeknown eye, my vests, underwear etc wouldn't look unusual to that of a messy teen but it would be a generically organised chaos of stripes, colours and designs. As a teenager I became wise to her methods of intrusion. This is the period in my life where I started to withdraw into myself,  censor my emotions and the uncomfortable feelings of intrusion. Looking back I think it was a way to confirm my suspicions of her whilst proving to myself that she was in fact doing these things I feared she was doing and that I wasn't crazy or making things up in my head. There was no open safe respectful communication or supportive advice. Just finger pointing and verbal abuse. I closed down and learnt to regulate my responses. I would then be accused of being 'secretive' and a loner among many other things: paranoid, sensitive, active imagination...I couldn't win.

My mother would often say as a children we wanted for nothing: We had a roof over our heads. We had clothes. We had food on the table. Yes we did have all that but what we didn't have were parents  with emotional intelligence and who were present. I had parents who were unavailable emotionally, controlling and manipulative. Parents who smugly presented to the outside world the perfect polite close knit family. We were anything but that.

Wrap your arms around the younger you and give thanks and love to yourself. We can acknowledge the dysfunction and use it to our advantage to continue to learn and grow in the opposite direction. Where there is darkness, allow the light in