Is there a chance he could change?

[dealzz15]

I'm just so confused at this point. From seeing the patterns and his self centered tendencies he's a self righteous narcissist. The way that he controlled my life forced me to play sports all of my life despite how much I didn't want to and would yell and rage at me if I say anything that went against what he wanted. A lot more too he made everything about him and taking care of his needs and always has outburst with anything he doesn't like. Ex when I didn't want send my college coach the essay I submitted after I got accepted because I thought it was weird, it turned into a huge fight. I said I had a right to make my own decision, he said I didn't have the right and screamed at me how ridiculous it was that I had to talk to my therapist(My mom told him I talked to my therapist about how to talk to him about the email).He also makes everything about him. One time he said to me "how was therapy? did you talk about me and say how wonderful your dad is?" He also wants my kid to have the same name as him and is hurt when you don't validate what he says.


I've tried so many times and used to love him so much. I was the golden child and growing up I tried to do everything to earn his attention and validation. I just didn't realize that there wasn't love in him. He always said it but I realized that he never showed it. He never did anything that showed anyone love or knew anything about us that showed he cared. He was only there in my life when there was a sport event or something he was interested in. I never realized but my mom would only be there for the things I cared about like chess or other interests I actually liked bless her.

But then there are movements when he does try or attempt and it makes me question if it could be something different. If there was a chance that I could have a father. Like my stomach hurt during this winterbreak and he drove to get me pepto bismol. It was the first fatherly thing I could really think of him doing that was unselfish and something that I actually needed. Then later that day we got into a heated fight because he asked me to go to a holiday party 40 minutes before they left and I said I don't know anyone and my sister adding on that I shouldn't have to go he blew up and just stormed away. I'm just so confused. I want a father but I don't think I'll ever get one, I don't know if he can actually change. I think a small part of me is still hoping but he hasn't changed ever. I just don't know what to do at this point with him. I'm still a junior in college so I have to endure 1.5 more years of coming home for break but after that I don't know what to do. My mom and sister are still trying to work things out with him and take care of his needs but I can't do it without being annoyed and angry of being compliant. The way that he treats my sister and mom too is despicable. He can yell at my mom for a simple thing like saying which way to turn for driving and I remember since I was a kid that they would always get into a fight whenever she came home ( she went to college when I was in 3rd grade).

I don't know if I should hold on to hope or just accept that I need to move on. I'm so confused and getting so much whiplash

[NarcKiddo]

If he has a PD it is unlikely he will change. He certainly will not change unless he wants to.

It is important to remember that the only person you can control is you. As long as you continue doing the same things you will get the same results.

Since you have to endure some time yet of coming home for a break you may feel it is necessary for you to continue sucking it up for now. But maybe you can use that time to plan properly what you will do after that. Having a plan for what you will do means you are in control of your destiny. Even if you cannot start taking concrete steps until you finish college, making sensible plans never goes to waste. It gives you something to focus on rather than living in the endless hope he will change.

I feel sad to read that him driving to get you stomach medication is the first fatherly thing you can remember him doing. That is basic care and is his duty. Many people who have been emotionally abused by their parents would hesitate to say they had been abused, or even that they had an unhappy childhood, because their parent fed, clothed, housed and educated them. They think that shows their parents love them. I thought that too. My therapist pointed out that is their basic duty as a parent. Them choosing to send me to a fancy school or buy me good quality clothes has little to do with how much they did or did not love me and and much to do with how they wished the outside world to view them.

There is nothing wrong with holding on to some hope if you want to. Hope is part of what keeps many of us from walking away completely. But don't let the hope consume you until you do nothing to help yourself just in case, one day, he will turn round and surprise you.

I wish you well. I would also like to say that I think it bodes well for your future that you have realised at your young age that there is a problem, and have a fairly clear idea of what the problem is. It took me until my 40s and had I realised earlier, many of my life choices would have been different.

[Starboard Song]

I'm just so confused. I want a father but I don't think I'll ever get one, I don't know if he can actually change. I think a small part of me is still hoping but he hasn't changed ever. I just don't know what to do at this point with him. I'm still a junior in college so I have to endure 1.5 more years of coming home for break but after that I don't know what to do. My mom and sister are still trying to work things out with him and take care of his needs but I can't do it without being annoyed and angry of being compliant. The way that he treats my sister and mom too is despicable.

He is unlikely to change much fundamentally, though he may. But there is far more range of motion available to you, without going to NC. Please run-don't-walk to our Boundaries page. And bear with me here: right now you may be financially dependent, and that is a special case. But over time, you can implement boundaries that greatly curtail his damaging behavior. Boundaries are not fences that control others: he can do what he wants. Boundaries are an expression of what you will or will not do, or engage with.

You can decide not only that you won't go to that Christmas party, but that you won't argue about it. I strongly believe that boundaries have to be executed with over the top, chirpy kindness. "I am sorry you are so upset, but I can't go to this party, and I really won't discuss it" and walk away. There is so much to be said about boundaries, and they aren't easy, and they don't always even work.

But here's the deal: you have the father you have. He is not the one you want, and -- I am so sorry -- probably never will be. If he is abusive and dangerous to you, move on. But if he is not, I strongly encourage you to accept now that he was poorly cast in this role, and adapt: using boundaries and the other tactics in out toolkitlink to help yourself overcome his patterns.

I say this as a person who is 8-years NC from his own in-laws. If you must go NC one day, so be it. But I know people who say they are glad they've maintained the relationship they have. It is worth a try. Be kind. Be strong. Be good.

[Cat of the Canals]

I highly recommend reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson. It will give you a realistic picture of what you can expect when it comes to having a relationship with your father. Spoiler alert: it's very limited and likely means doing a lot of work to maintain boundaries.

Most people like this don't change, because change generally requires self-reflection and the ability to take responsibility for one's own actions. Emotionally immature people have deep-rooted inferiority that blocks them from doing either thing.

[Liketheducks]

You have a lot of great advice here.   Saw my counselor yesterday, processing the death by suicide of my youngest brother.   He was the last of us siblings who was not Out of the FOG.   He was trying so hard to earn their love, facilitate reconciliation, etc.   

Chances are your dad won't be able to make meaningful change.   But, it is possible that he does love you and also is ill equipped to show you.  My counselor conveyed that it is possible for both things to occur at once.   I see this often with my emotionally immature/like PD parents.   I has to be up to me to protect myself in my interactions with them.   For me, that looks like being very judicious and strategic with my contact with my parents.   This helps me to show up stronger in myself with them and able to move through my triggers of unworthiness when they act up.   Gotta be a badass with boundaries.    I Know that you're worthy of love and support, even if he can't show up for you in the way he should.   

Hang in there.

[moglow]

He is unlikely to change much fundamentally, though he may. But there is far more range of motion available to you, without going to NC. Please run-don't-walk to our Boundaries page. And bear with me here: right now you may be financially dependent, and that is a special case. But over time, you can implement boundaries that greatly curtail his damaging behavior. Boundaries are not fences that control others: he can do what he wants. Boundaries are an expression of what you will or will not do, or engage with.

Just to reiterate, boundaries are and will always be your friend, whether defined as such between you or not. They need not be spoken - your job is to act for yourself, not demand change from others to accommodate. Be polite, be kind, but do what you need for yourself. It's not personal unless they make it so.

[Starboard Song]