My Dysfunctional Family System – How I Became the Scapegoat - My Origin Story

[Just Kathy]

In looking at how I got to where I am, I looked at my FOO through the lens of a system. I believe my father set up the family system in which I became the scapegoat.
 
I suspect my late father was a covert narcissist who struggled with a gambling addiction. His vision impairment significantly narrowed his employment opportunities to the point where acquiring a driver's license was a challenge. As he entered his thirties, his search for a spouse was not just for seeing-eye-dog service but for someone who could bear the financial weight of the household—paying the bills while he indulged in betting on horse races. Additionally, he desired children, preferably daughters. He had two daughters, one of whom he used as the eventual replacement for his wife; when she succumbed to the pressures he placed upon her -she finally gave up and died.

I'm inclined to think my mother exhibited traits of borderline personality disorder, specifically the petulant subtype. Characterized by anger, bitterness, and a form of hostile codependency, she sought a partner who could provide stability and with whom she could build a family. She believed my father to be that stable man.

When I was five, I witnessed a moment that has stayed with me vividly. My mother had just finished clearing the dinner table and washing dishes at the kitchen sink. My father, still seated at the table, watched her with an unsettling intensity reminiscent of a predator's gaze. On that day, she was wearing a skirt. Suddenly, he turned to me with a question laced with malice: "Don't you think your mother has ugly legs?"

This incident was not isolated. Before this, my father had been subtly manipulating me. He would ask me, "Who do you love more, me or your mother?" This tactic of grooming me was to undermine my mother so she couldn't leave him if I, her child, didn't want to leave.

If my response were "Mommy," he would physically push me away and ignore me for the entirety of the day. Conversely, if I said "you, Daddy," he would lavish me with attention.

On that day, I acquiesced with a "Yes, Daddy." As I uttered those words, my mother's head drooped in shame. My response, shaped by a learned instinct to appease my father, inadvertently contributed to the moment's pain, casting a shadow of sorrow over my mother's already burdened spirit.

Throughout their marriage, my father made concerted efforts to drive a wedge between my mother and me.

While individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can be highly intelligent, their decision-making can sometimes be ethically questionable. Lacking the strength or means to leave the toxic environment my father created, my mother remained in the marriage. Upon the birth of my younger sister, she embarked on a similar, albeit reverse, path—to distance her youngest child from her father and me, her eldest sibling. 

As time progressed, my mother's behavior toward me became increasingly relentless. She consistently found fault in nearly everything I did, systematically undermining my self-esteem, self-worth, and efforts in almost every endeavor. It became evident that she saw me not as her child but as a rival, engaging in actions that were deliberate sabotage. This perception of competition, rather than nurturing, cast a shadow over our relationship, deeply affecting my sense of identity and self-value.

As these painful dynamics unfolded and my mother subjected me to her relentless criticism, my father remained conspicuously passive. Rather than intervening or offering support, he chose to retreat into a stance of indifference, effectively ignoring the torment I endured. It seemed he had achieved what he desired: a family fractured from within, with divisions he had sown and now silently observed from the sidelines.

In our family dynamic, I was cast as the scapegoat by my mother, a role that my sister, following in her footsteps, also adopted. Amidst this scapegoating, my father chose to avert his gaze, maintaining a stance of deliberate ignorance. On the rare occasions when the abuse escalated to unbearable levels, he would intervene. Still, his actions seemed motivated more by a desire to appear as the hero rather than genuine concern. It was as if he derived satisfaction from the pervasive misery within our family, content in the knowledge that he played a part in orchestrating the discord that kept us all ensnared in a cycle of unhappiness.

The aftermath:

A decade following my mother's death, I took on the responsibility of moving into my father's home to look after him. This arrangement lasted until the final four years of his life, during which my younger sibling assumed the role of his caregiver. However, her version of 'care' was marred by neglect and passive elder abuse. In his last days, as he was actively dying, her demeanor suggested that she derived a perverse satisfaction from witnessing his demise.

From the day our father passed away, the rift between my sibling and I solidified into estrangement. The events leading up to and following our father's demise have cemented my resolve: I have decided that she will never be a part of my life again.


Thanks for reading!

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome. Thank you for sharing a bit of the complicated and painful experiences in your family of origin (FOO).

I am so thankful you have found this supportive community of fellow travelers. And my heart hurts to think of the toxic dynamic between your parents and the fall out to you as a result. So much to unpack and work through.

We have great resources at the toolbox above and throughout the forum boards. Make good use of those as you settle in. For me, coming here and finding others who truly understand and who believe me, who can read between the lines and not offer well meaning platitudes, has been a unique and valuable experience.

I hope you find this true for you as well.

I want to offer a resource that helped to break open some of my own complicated family dynamics. It is the work of Ingrid Clayton, Ph.D. Here is a link to her website and work: https://www.ingridclayton.com

And a link to her blog: https://www.ingridclayton.com/blog

Her autobiography: Believing Me, is a place where I found great similarities in her story and journey. It was a tough read that I had to pace myself through, but validating all at the same time.

Another great resource is the work of Pete Walker, MA, around the areas of complex trauma found here: https://www.pete-walker.com

Keep coming back and sharing. It helps so much to know we are not alone! 

[sunshine702]

Seeing it all written down is a moment.  That sounds really painful.  I am sorry.  So much wrong.

There comes a time in our life where we look at that road ahead and just KNOw that sister is not going to be on that road.  That you want to do it and leave her behind.  In the painful past.  Not in your new future.

I am proud of you