PD Coparent wants to visit on the long weekends

[cgr68311]

Yes, I save all audio recordings for every exchange, and pictures videos, etc.

So how would you all define this PD episode:

1) Last night at exchange she tells me perhaps she can visit this coming Sunday. I said nothing.

2) This morning she once again gaslighted me about me having a girlfriend and that she's 'fine' if she's around our toddler as long as our boy knows she's not family, and not to do too much PDA in front of him, especially sex!

My response:

1) I reminded her that our court order is clear, we do not invite ourselves over, only for exchange or pick up/drop off stuff, and only time is appropriate to visit is if the other party wants to extend an invite.

2) I told her that although I appreciate her dating recommendations, I don't appreciate her accusatory statements, implying/assuming I have a girlfriend just because my son transposed a word for another. I told her if it continues I will go to court to enforce monitored communications and/or no contact order.

[hhaw]

I might have stopped at 1.

Stay calm, sane, consistent and don't get dragged into pd conversations.

The PD has no right to your personal life, or to bossyou around and make stuff up.

[BeautifulCrazy]

I agree with hhaw.
It sounds like you are letting your ex push your buttons and are consequently being drawn into interacting.
It's as if since she can't get an actual visit, she can at least get herself some supply by drawing you into defending yourself or possibly one of those notorious circular conversations.
It took me years to stop playing this game with my ex husband, but eventually I learned that the best thing for me to do was nothing at all.
No outward reaction.
No reward for him for his out of line behaviour.
Just Grey Rock, Medium Chill, me holding tight to my truth inside.
At first, you may be only pretending that being baited like that doesn't affect you, but after some time it really doesn't.

[cgr68311]

Well the day came and PD ex starts to work this week. She asked me again last night if I would be willing to pick our boy early from day care on her days (she doesn't want him there 8 hours). I said no, I said only for emergencies I can pick him up, otherwise told her she needs to take care of her own daycare arrangements, pick ups, drop offs, etc.

Her response? She tried to shame me last night and said so you're ok with him being in daycare that long?? Said nothing, no need.

Today she said she's not taking him to my daycare and will find someone to watch him at her place, since I'm not willing to be her buss boy on her days.

[Penny Lane]

You've gotten some really great, spot-on advice in this thread and it sounds like you're doing great with your boundaries!

I just wanted to pop in to say, keep it up. The velociraptor metaphor is spot on. The more you give in, the more she will want to take. Your best bet is to stick to the court order.

The sad fact about divorce is that parents and children are going to miss out on seeing each other as much. And with most people's work schedules, it's not possible to create a work schedule around your custody schedule. It would be so great if you could! I guess a few people can. But most cannot and so going from living with their kid(s) full time to part time they are simply not going to see them as much. Lots and lots of kids stay in daycare for 8 hours or more and they turn out just fine.

Your ex has some good options to address this, she can try to find a job around the custody schedule, she can try to flex her time, she can focus on making the most of her time with her child.

Instead she is using her energy to harass you to give up time with your son so that she won't lose as much. That's not reasonable, and it's not fair to you.

I suspect that the goal isn't REALLY more parenting time, but rather a way to keep forcing you to pay attention to her. Here is what my now-husband learned early on when setting boundaries with his ex: Give her bad behavior as little attention as possible. If it doesn't deal with the kids (her "permission" for you to have a girlfriend, for example), literally don't respond. If she asks for an insane thing that you have power to avoid (she gets every weekend plus somehow time on three of your days during the week) "no, that doesn't work for me" or "no I don't think that's best for (child)." No need for a back and forth - it's not like you're going to change your mind anyway right?

Sounds like you're well on the path to this. That is great, your instincts are awesome! My guess is that she will try to escalate, create increasingly bad situations where you feel like you have to engage with her. But stay firm. Your life, and your son's life, will be better for it. Eventually she will learn that she can't get you to engage by threatening this. The velociraptor will always be there, occasionally testing your boundaries in an aggressive way. But it will mostly move onto other targets with less robust defensive systems.

My husband implemented these tactics years ago and I can tell you - it really does get better! We sometimes go weeks or even a month without a ridiculous demand or request from his ex. This has allowed my husband space to heal from the relationship, to build more solid relationships with the kids, for him and me to get serious and get married without worrying so much about his ex. This future awaits you too! I hope this thought helps when you're in the worst parts of dealing with your ex.

[cgr68311]

Hi Penny, thanks for the welcome, this group rocks, I'd probably be at her whim or in trouble, because since separating I've had to resort to being an A grade as*hole in order to assert my custody rights against her viciousness, like keeping him extra long at times or being extremely late, etc.

My counselor is helping me advocate for myself in better ways and this group helps also. But yes, it definitely seems it will be a long road ahead, and yes, very timely of you Penny to say that he will move on to less robust targets, like our daycare person this morning. Provider sends a video to us of our toddler seating at his high chair eating breakfast and leaning slightly on his right side (he is supporting his right arm on the tray, and putting food in his mouth with his left hand) Well, she starts text bombing our provider with "why is he laying down on the tray, why is not at the table etc). Just plain harrasment, nitpicking whatever you call it.

[cgr68311]

Update: Friday arrived and that concluded my PD coparent's first week back in the workforce. I was fine yesterday but tonight I feel drained from all the work it takes to protect my boundaries.

The week began and PD coparent did not have any daycare arrangement for her weekdays, and she was not planning to send our boy to my daycare place. Since she was busy on the job training, I thought I would help out and call some nannies and it paid off, found a young lady she liked and cared for our boy at my PD coparent's home. That was such a relief to me since now I felt she would not bother me for weekend visits, or do one of her exchange tricks (send him late, or say he's sick or fell asleep, etc.)

I also talked to both my lawyer and therapist and both gave me some clear phrases to say whenever she tried to push my boundaries.

My lawyer said that she has 'poor' boundaries and that her requests are not only ridiculous, but also could be damaging to our boy to see us together, then not, then yes, she said I should only be communicating once a day and that's it. She also suggested to take some level 2 coparenting classes. She described her behaviors as nuisance and something that for now I should just document. She said that next time she bothers me to say 1) stop asking for schedule changes/visits, and 2) when your work schedule is permanent I'm willing to consider changes to the schedule.

My therapist on the other hand commended me, said I sounded much calmer this week than other weeks, that I did not get worked up during our session when I mentioned her name, etc. He was happy to see that and I gave you all credit for that

Therapist said that if she tries to push my boundaries again, that I should say: a) When you do this (be late, change the schedule, try to change schedule, rules), I feel very (frustrated, upset, etc). and also should say b) Would you be willing to stick to what we agreed (court order)? If so, this is what I'm willing to do on my side.

This evening I picked up my boy and I had my recorder and everything else ready, prepared for the worst. I was so relieved that she was acting normal pleasant and normal today, brought the baby to my car and said good bye and that was it. I know she wants to spend time with him because she only saw him couple times in the morning and evening during the week, and it hurts me that our 'family' is broken up this way, but I know I need to follow through and not crack and invite her over, because then she'll want more and more.

[Stillirise]

Well done!! It really can be surprising what happens when you stop giving these people the supply and the drama they so desperately want.  I'm betting she will cycle through again, trying to suck you in, but keep holding the high ground! 

[cgr68311]

So far weekend very quiet, she had been quiet and thankful for the brief daily updates I send to her (she does the same when she has our boy). But somewhere deep down I'm thinking she's up to something. Lol. and after that she texted me and said her breasts are full and is having trouble pumping since it's been several days (he's still breastfeeding).

I can't say no to that. I asked her to come now since he's sleeping and usually likes his milk after waking up. Also said to wear a mask. If she's respectful and has a valid reason to come I don't have a problem with that, not a rigid ahole just want my boundaries respected!

[cgr68311]

So she came, breastfeed our boy for several minutes then left, very uneventful. Next time I'll remind her to pump ahead of long weekends.

[mamato3]

If mom is still breastfeeding, why is she going long weekends without seeing him? That seems really contrary to his best interests...

[cgr68311]

He's 2 1/2 years old, she 'believes' he needs to breastfeed until age 3. I don't agree but she still does on her time. He's fine without it but since she made it sound she was going to bet mastitis and couldn't pump, the humane thing to do was to let her come over and let her breastfeed him