Funeral Attendance?

[gettingstronger1]

My elderly NPD father is in poor health and he will probably pass on soon. I am sad about the fact that Dad and I were never able to work out our problems. I recently found out that my father was diagnosed with Alzheimer's several years ago. I am very hurt and angry that my siblings withheld this information from me and I didn't find out til this week. He lived in a nursing home during COVID 19 so he was not allowed to have anyone visit. Since I couldn't visit I called him to check on him, but no one told me about his diagnosis. Has anyone out there struggled with the decision of whether or not to attend their PD parents funeral. Dad and I don't really have any relationship left. My siblings are emotionally abusive towards me and we don't have contact because of this. I am in therapy, but I am struggling in my recovery. I am trying to protect my mental health. I have a large extended family that is not aware of the emotional abuse that occurred behind closed doors in my family. I know I should not worry about what other people think, but it will cause problems if I don't attend. I would be interested in hearing from people on whether or not they attended their parents funeral and how it went.
The issue of funeral attendance has probably been asked about before me. If you know of any good past threads on this topic could you please post the link. Thanks for your feedback.

[Coyote23]

I went to my NPD father's funeral. I had my husband by my side the entire time, a simple black dress that made me feel elegant, and a giant pair of black sunglasses. Fashion was my armor and how I created distance and aloofness. I decided the regret of not going and feeling chased away would be greater than the emotional discomfort of being around all of the flying monkeys. They were definitely in their snide and gossipy glory that day. It was mercifully short, and then I went home. 

I have skipped funerals for aunts in an effort to avoid the same crowd. Every funeral is different and *you* get to decide how to say goodbye.

[Call Me Cordelia]

 

Hi, gettingstronger. Here's a recent thread from folks who did skip a funeral. Overwhelmingly we did not regret it.

https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=88644.msg758690#msg758690

You say it will cause problems if you don't attend. What problems? Whose? Only you can weigh your options and do what's best for YOU. It does sound empowering to show up a la Audrey Hepburn and freeze them all out, but I know I couldn't have pulled it off.

[xredshoesx]

when my biological mother passes i'll go but mostly just to make sure she is *really* dead as she's lied about everything else....

on a serious note it's ok to not go.  neither my dad or his sister came to their mother's funeral.  we each grieve in our own way, and for those of us who have already basically lost the support and love of a parent because of PD/ uPD or other mental illness-  it's just going through the motions at the actual funeral because we've  already begun to deal with the loss of not having them in our lives as well as  the disappointment in how they parented.

[Adria]

If you want to go, that's fine, do it for you.  But, please don't go to make others happy or think they will treat you any different because you went.  They will exploit you either way - never asking why you chose to do what you chose to do because they most likely don't care and only wish to judge.

I know I will not attend my narc father's funeral. Just plain not worth the agony. I no longer feel I need to please people who chose to side with him.  I will let the dead bury the dead. I wish you all the best. Hugs, Adria

Here is a great link that might help you decide what to do. http://www.luke173ministries.org/templates/System/details.asp?id=39548&PID=655609

[gettingstronger1]

Thank you to everyone for your replies and feedback. All of them were very helpful. Call Me Cordelia, thank you for the link to the other thread. That was really helpful.  Adria, thank you also for the link to Luke 173 Ministries. That is very helpful too.

You guys are all in my thoughts and prayers as we are all dealing with very toxic situations. It is comforting to know that someone out there understands.

[Amadahy]

I was thinking of this recently in relation to Nmom.  If I outlive her, I believe I will attend the funeral (where folks who think she's a sweet old lady will truly pay respects), but skip the burial (where any dysfunctional family members will be sure to ask all kinds of inappropriate questions).  That feels right to me.  I may even go do something kind and loving for myself at that time, like a massage or something that naysayers could really enjoy.   

[1footouttadefog]

If you feel it's the right thing for you then go.  If you feel it's wrong don't.

Wow over simplification, I know, but it boils down to that.

If it's just a terrible though to go and if it will be nothing but a pd fest that will harm you dont have to go.

If you feel it would benefit you or people you care for it could be a tidy ending of a long journey.

I skipped my pdh's uncle's funeral.  He had apparently told several family members he could not stand me, so I respected that and used it as my out.  He did me a favor and saved me a trip. 

[moglow]

GS, not meaning to sound snide, but how would it cause problems if you choose to say goodbye to Dad on your own and in your own way? If you're already in no/minimal contact with family, it's really none of their business what you choose. You can (hopefully) find some quiet time before he's laid to rest, to say whatever you feel needs to be said - again, in whatever way is best for you. That goodbye is between you and him, not for others' benefit.

I've debated the same regarding my mother, and one of my brothers brought up an interesting point recently. Who's going to give a eulogy at her service? Certainly not me, and I don't know anyone "close" to her who would. As he put it, we're not about to get up there and paint some rosy picture to suit people who have no clue. And who'd be there to hear it anyway? All her siblings are gone, she's alienated what remains of her family. So really, who are we putting on a show for? As someone mentioned above, I'll be there to acknowledge that she's gone. My grieving started a long time ago, and is all for me. I can't honestly say I'll miss her or pretend huge loss - I never had that with her.