Another step Out of the FOG

[escapingman]

I feel a bit better today, I have spoken to someone near the toxic people. He completely agreed and fully understood my decision to remove my daughter from the toxic environment. He even recommended where I could go to continue the activity but for another club. Good damn I feel good about it now, is this some kind of thing now getting Out of the FOG to start clearing out toxic people?

[JustKeepTrying]

I am glad that you were able to remove your daughter from a difficult environment.  It's true that you start to see people differently and put up with less toxicity.  While I am still an empathetic, kind and supportive person, I am very careful now who I allow in my bubble.  I definitely look at people and situations differently.  Even family.

[escapingman]

I looks like I opened the floodgates as more parents now take their kids out of this toxic environment, I feel good now. But I cannot believe how much my STBX has been feeding on this, as me and the girls has been talking about this, messages in the back ground between various people. STBX has been there, gathering information, being smug, trying to stir, influence, you name it. But her delusion reached new heights, she was talking about anonymously reporting this toxic person to social services as she was very concerned. Whilst trying to not wet myself I calmly told her that the person already is reported and probably already under their radar. Then she went back to screaming at the kids for having left the hall in a state.   

[escapingman]

I am out for lunch on my own, in a shopping centre. It's noisy, dirty, full of kids and even a mother breastfeeding. I am just enjoying the chaos and treasuring the thought about how much STBX had raged if she was with me.

Just need to add I would have sat in a complete panic state observing every little thing happening around us just waiting for her to blow up.

[escapingman]

Today has been a difficult today, had a worker in the house and he managed to break something that was emotionally very valuable to STBX. I felt really sorry for her, she really looked like to lost little child. For a second I thought about just forgetting about all this, give her a big hug and say everything would be OK. I went out in the car and had a really good cry as I know I can't hug her, I can't pretend things would be good, I can't pretend it is up to me to sort this. After a good cry I felt better and agreed with myself I am still doing the right thing to divorce her.

[Boat Babe]

That's hard EM. Sending hugs. You did the right thing.

[escapingman]

Overwhelmed and lost motivation. I am struggling now, really struggling, not with my decision to divorce STBX but to get the motivation to do anything. I can't concentrate on work, I can't concentrate to get all papers for the divorce in order, I am just out of energy and I can't think. I am putting all my energy I can summon into doing MC, noJADE, GR and the little energy I have left I spend sorting out things for the kids. I just want to go to bed and then wake up with all this sorted. I don't even care about if the finances are split exactly 50/50, to be honest I don't care about them at all at the moment, I just want out of this relationship, I can't sit and ring round everywhere sorting things when STBX can enter the room at any time, frightens me.  STBX has an enormous amount of paperwork all over, important stuff mixed in with the instructions for how to build a Billy's bookcase, I can't find anything. However, I found an electricity bill from where we lived 15 years ago.... 

She is really freaking me out now, she is this weird version of herself where she pretends all is OK and I can do whatever I want, I can see how she struggle under this mask but she is determined to prove to me she has changed so I will stay. However, she hasn't changed with the girls and screams and shouts at them, so it doesn't  make much change to me as that's one of the main issues.

[JustKeepTrying]

That period between filing and working through all the steps individually; the reality of the separation and reality of who you married; emotional bruising from the marriage; angst, anger and frustration with worry for your kids - it is a lot and it does take a real mental and physical toll on you.  Your feelings are real and you deserve to be heard.  I am glad we can be here for you during this process.

I saw you had lunch on your own and you have taken mini breaks in the past.  I encourage you to (if you can't move out now) take a daily break from the house. Walk the neighborhood, go to the grocery, sit in the yard with a book, whatever and wherever you can to gain some time for yourself.  Some time to break mentally so that you survive.

Also checklist.  This is a big one for me - checklist what you need to move ahead with the divorce,  Yes, don't move out now if the lawyer wants you to stay but that doesn't mean you can't look at places and budget and think about what to take with you.  That type of planning - with a checklist - will give you a feeling of moving forward.  GIve you the fuel to look beyond her mask and maintain that GR/MC.

I was so back and forth in this period.  Wild swings in emotion.  It gets better.  It really does.

[square]

I love the ideas of the daily break, and the checklist too.

I'd be thinking about a lock on the door as well.

[hhaw]

Paralysis is pretty common.....zero energy, despair, fear....... that's what contact with the stbx creates and IME it gets worse, not better.  The weaker you get, the more difficult it is to function which is why having a good plan put together ahead of so important.

You don't have to make decisions.  Just look at the plan and do whatever needs doing.

I'm always going to be shocked about how the courts view emotional abuse, esp against children.  I remain hopeful you'll get a special hearing, opposing counsel will jerk a knot in stbx's tail to stop the raging at your girls......move the PD out of the family home, bc she can't stop discussing the divorce and yelling in front of the he children, but you'll have to hang in there and trust you're strong enough to keep moving you and the girls to a better space.

The despair is part of divorcing a PD.  Sharing stbx's space is a brutal way to live, not gonna lie, but that's the plan and you're in it. 

Stay the course.....
Hold....
Hold.....
Hold and trust things get MUCH better when you remove contact with the stbx from your life.

You will be happy to feel the sun on your face again, EM.  I wish it was possible now......get that T in place and keep moving toward the exit door.

Nothing will be perfect.

Cut yourself some slack, stay curious, resist judging....anything....when you can.

And breathe, EM.  Breathe for your life and your childrens'.

Take time away from the stbx.  See friends.  Ask for help.

[Associate of Daniel]

I really don't think anyone should have to live in this kind of situation, regardless of what the law says.

One thing I've learned over the years is how important it is to look after myself mentally and physically.

For my child.

Even before it being for myself.

My ds15 already has a mentally unhealthy (uNPD) father and (uNPD) smother.  If I'm not well either the poor kid stands little chance.

EM, the choice to move out now or not is entirely yours.

I doubt my health would survive if I was in your situation.

Some of the incidents you describe sound like police involvement could be warrented.

I wonder if you might consider calling them next time such things occur.

And yes. A checklist, mini breaks and a lock on the door seem sensible.

Can you find a way to work away from home?

Maybe at a library.  Or a coffee shop.  Some coffee shops might give you a booth for the day for a small fee and you could use their wifi.

Or is there a small office space you could rent. Maybe with other people.

Working from home should ideally be as though you're at the office: 8 hours with no interruptions and specific breaks, imo.  (Although I love being able to randomly put on a load of washing or pull a few weeds during the day!)

All the best EM. Keep moving forward.

AOD

[Poison Ivy]

"I doubt my health would survive if I was in your situation."

This thought was the tipping point for me. My then husband wasn't taking care of me or our children, and I feared that if I stayed married, my mental and physical health would suffer so much that I wouldn't be able to take care of myself or our children. And my children were already adults at this point. The stress from the marriage was that bad.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

"Today has been a difficult today, had a worker in the house and he managed to break something that was emotionally very valuable to STBX. I felt really sorry for her, she really looked like to lost little child."

When I read this, I thought that you are very empathetic, and very attached.  Your STBX is impacting your emotions on a daily basis - and your children.  When I start to think that way - sorry for my STBXBPH for whatever reason - I quickly remind myself that he does not have one brain cell devoted to my feelings or struggles - not even a tiny atom.  Nothing.  So, I let it go.  For me, having a strong emotion in his direction (even if it one that shows compassion) isn't good for me - it can mess with my mind.  It's a slippery slope that I avoid.

[guitarman]

Trauma causes exhaustion. It can become overwhelming mentally and physically. All you may want to do is sleep in order to recover.

You can calmly and gradually work through a list of things you need to do.

Take time to praise yourself. Remind yourself that you are a good person. Talk to yourself as if you were your best friend. Be your own cheerleader.

I follow Kris Godinez on YouTube who suggests that we do "mirror work" where we look at ourselves in the mirror and praise and encourage ourselves out loud. We give ourselves permission to have a good day every day. We say good things to ourselves. We congratulate ourselves and say well done for all that we have achieved.

Little by little things can and will change for you and your children.

You are doing so well.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[escapingman]

Thanks for all your kind words. I really can't be in the same place as her longer, I booked a few nights away and went. I am seeing q friend, not a close one but we are going to drink some beer, watch some sport and walk around London. When I was leaving the house STBX was desperately trying to tell me about her love and how she will miss me, I could not hade my smile about the Joy of getting out. She refused to let me leave without a hug, and then she refused to let go of me. But I am out for a few days, I feel I can breathe.

[escapingman]

The dangerous thing here is that I have now been away from STBX fir a few days, spent time with a friend and not gad a single thought about STBX  and the divorce. I some way I start forgetting g how bad it has been, especially since STBX has played the being nice game lately. But, it is also making ne stronger and more determined to get this over and done with. It is so enjoyable to spend time with someone normal that doesn't keep you on your toes and to actually be able to be me and say whatever I want without risking a meltdown. I am so used to the drama with STBX but to not have to scan the environment makes such a calmer living.

Just to be able to think "shit happens" and then move on when something goes wrong is bliss.

[guitarman]

I know what you mean about enjoying the calm and peace.

It's not until we can get out of the traumatic environment and decompress that we realise what we've experienced for so long. We can get so used to all the dramas, stress and chaos.

I have other siblings and they have such kind, caring, loving relationships with their families. It's always good to be around them. I can relax and not be afraid to speak.

Like you I never knew how my uBPD/NPD sister would react. She could be so unpredictable by suddenly flying into loud narcissistic rages.

One small step at a time and you'll achieve your ultimate goal.

You may like to look at these free meditation resources from Calm that I've just posted in the Other Media Resources section of the forum. I particularly enjoyed the Loving Kindness meditation.

https://www.calm.com/resources


Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[escapingman]

So just had a missed call from my solicitor, STBX is still trying to haggle over the court fees before she would accept the divorce. My worry is that if I agree (just want it done) she will find something else to use as delay tactic.  The interesting bit us that at home she is telling me all she wants is me back and she doesn't care about the money.

All she cares about is control, that's for sure. If I jack this in and give her another chance, I don't think it would go a month max until she was back at her old ways and me at breaking point. So thanks but no.

I feel a bit better after being away for a few days, but really dreading going back home. So uplifting being able to have my own opinions without risking a fallout. Even see other people not losing their cool when something goes wrong, I am just not used to it. The friend I met is a relatively new friend, first time I saw him he was a bit boring with no drama. But the more I see him the more I like him, cause he has no drama. I have realised I have been drawn to people full of drama. This is something I really need to be more careful about. Of course not all people with lots of things going on are PD, but it's certainly something to be aware of.

[Andeza]

Another point to remember. I can guarantee you if you up and said "Hey the divorce is off" she would proceed to trot it out like a trophy every time she thought it would serve her purposes. She would most likely use it to mock you, but you would never be allowed to forget about, and would certainly never be forgiven for it.

Even after my enDad successfully divorced my uBPDm, she would say things to him like "Why don't you just come back and live here? Things can be like they used to!" Scared the crap out of him, because he was running precisely from the way things had been. But she couldn't see that. She only had good memories of the years together and was utterly blind to the reality that she had created. He (and I) were living hell on earth and she just wanted things to stay as they were with no changes. Prior to the divorce, they separated for a little while, then he came back for a little while (probably getting stuff in order is my guess), and while he was "back" she mocked him about the first round of leaving. Said things like "I guess he couldn't live without me after all!" So on and so forth, you get the picture.

[escapingman]

I am 100% aware of that Andeza, she has already slipped and shouted at me "You and your fucking solicitor". She really doesn't get it that she is giving it away when you lose control of herself. Not like I will believe her 20 minutes later when she is all nice again. I spoke about this with the solicitor and she is fully aware of what STBX is doing. Neither me or the solicitor talk about STBX being PD but we both speak the same language and knows (that's why I picked this solicitor from the start).

Just need to get STBX to agree to the divorce and then push on with separation. Let's see if she can agree or not.

I am getting my strength up a bit and can see through the FOG a bit better. But I am bruised and tired.