Afraid to ask for a raise, think boss will reply by shaming me

[Blueberry Pancakes]

The bottom line is I deserve a raise at work. I know the usual action would be that I provide a list of my accomplishments, skills and contributions and make the case to my boss. I have not been able to do it though.

What prevents me is fearing my boss will respond by telling me that what I think were accomplishments are really just expectations of the job. I will have ignited his anger, and he will instead counter my "demand" by listing off reasons why I do not deserve it. I will end up sitting there having to listen to him tell me what he thinks are my shortcomings. I might even end up with a list of performance improvements and new goals. I don't need that.
   
So I say nothing. It is not a bad paycheck, and nothing is really wrong but nothing is right either. Over a year ago two colleagues quit, and the company never replaced them. I ended up getting more work as a result. I have sort of been quiet quitting lately to cope, so it might not be sustainable long term and will have to be addressed.

Do you think this could be part of what scapegoats must heal from? Is it PTSD perhaps? It sort of seems like fear that advocating for yourself will result in punishment and you'll be ashamed for daring to think you are better than what you are.

[SonofThunder]

Hi BlueberryPancakes,

Congratulations on being that type of dedicated employee who performs over the top of the norm.  As a company owner with employees, I can tell you those types of employees are noticed by me.

Regarding your last paragraph:  if you believe your boss is a PD, then imo the fear of advocating for yourself is similar, regardless as whether its a boss, spouse, parent, sibling, friend or any PD.  The playbook for PD's is the same, just tweaked for the specific situation.  PD's are (+) predators at the (-) expense of others. 

If the boss is not a PD, then imo, it may not be as difficult.  As a business owner, I tend to think practically and make decisions based on a variety of factors, but also highly consider my 'opportunity cost'.  I believe employees should also.  For those reading who may not be aware of the term, it is  "the loss of potential gain from other alternatives when one alternative is chosen." 

Applying opportunity cost to your job and desire for raise,  I would consider: (no particular order/giving three as an example)

-what salary can you make elsewhere using the same skills and same amount of time?

-what is the employers cost to replace you with a person(s) who will fulfill the work in your absence?  (money, time, other)

-can your job be replaced or supplemented with acquired new technology, contracted outside companies or other methods.  If so, what is the cost?  (money, time, other)

If you know the factual answers to just those questions and can present them well, I believe you stand a great chance, if you desire a win/win proposal, to potentially increase your salary by presenting your employer a fair-to-you, and good-for-him/her sales pitch. The incentive for a non-PD boss imo should be to create both a win for the company AND for the employee.

Imo, If the boss is a PD, what is fair, realistic and a good win/win, will probably be tossed out the window, because of the bosses internally ruling motives of control, power, manipulation, greed and self-reputation.  PD's will take a loss to exert power, breed fear and protect assumed reputations. 

SoT

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Congratulations on being that type of dedicated employee who performs over the top of the norm.  As a company owner with employees, I can tell you those types of employees are noticed by me.
.....
The playbook for PD's is the same, just tweaked for the specific situation.  PD's are (+) predators at the (-) expense of others. 
....
If you know the factual answers to just those questions and can present them well, I believe you stand a great chance...
PD's will take a loss to exert power, breed fear and protect assumed reputations. 

Thank you SoT. I appreciate the perspective from a business owner, as well as from one who is 'experienced' in the ways of those with a PD. I really like your insight on how to treat employees in ways that benefit both employees and management. I do not see any PD red flags from my immediate manager, but I do see them in his boss. I actually get chills just hearing his voice on calls.
   
About 10 years ago I was a different company, and did advocate for a raise and my boss replied by telling me I did nothing besides just meet minimal expectations and he said I should perform more like a colleague across the hall. I ended up leaving that job for the one I have now. I sort of feel like I am going in front of the Wizard of Oz showing I have the witches' broomstick, but still denied.

Either way, I think it will be a good step for me to advocate for my need. I think I am better prepared now for whichever way it goes.  Thank you. 

[SonofThunder]

BP, I look forward to reading the results of your sales-pitch for a raise!  Wishing you all the best!

SoT

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Well, yesterday I did it. I guess I felt like coming back to this post for closure and so I know that it was real.

I met with my boss to update him on several items with the ending being a pitch that based on all I had done, does it qualify for a raise. I felt nauseas and was not my most eloquent, but I made my point. To my surprise, he listened. He noted how I had not had a formal review in a while, so he took out an evaluation form and started making notes. This was exactly what I wanted to avoid, and I expected a smack down.

To my initial horror, he began grading me on a 5-point scale on various aspects. I braced myself, but then saw he was rating me very well. I also sensed no tension in the room, so started to think this might be alright - and it was. 

To me the crowning glory moment, win of all time, most wonderful thing was when he told me he thought my biggest strength was my ability to manage problematic situations and apply a good resolution even without much support from anyone. He said he realized I have been mostly on my own since a colleague left. Wow. I just felt like that was recognition and validation.

I also thought how there was likely carry-over from hard won personal development that I was able to apply professionally. I just wondered if being the scapegoat may have led to developing resilience, problem-solving skills, and inner resolve in adversity. Anyway, this all felt like a very good thing on so many levels.

Thank you, thank you to all who are here with me.

[LemonLime]

Congratulations, Blueberry!!   Thanks for giving us the update, and what a wonderful update it was. 

I just finished reading "The Dance of Anger" and loved the book.  I mention it because it addresses the work situation you are describing.  There are a lot of things to learn about how we approach a boss, and what keeps us silent or not.  It's great to look at these things, and the author's bottom line is that of course you can't change what your boss says or does.  Whether they are PD or not.   You can only look at your own stories and how you do things.  To you I say "bravo"!!   You're a role model for bravery.

[square]

WOW!!!!!!!

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you, LemonLime and Square. I do not think I have words to explain how I felt driving home after that meeting. I think part of why it went well is just plain luck that my boss probably does not have a PD. He was able to receive my message in the "normal" meaning of the words without twisting them around or feeling he had to keep me small.
Anyway, thanks.

[DaisyGirl77]

I also did a similar thing, but this was about 2 years ago.  I'd been grossly underpaid in my position but had spent the whole of 2020 & 2021 hoovering up any & all overtime my job offered to me, which resulted in me being their top employee in my department that entire time.  I've still maintained this position--no one's knocked me off it yet but I'll be delighted when they do.

So what I did was ask for hard numbers:  What was my error rate?  What made me be at the top so consistently?  I listened to all of the positive feedback & parsed what came up repeatedly (the fact that I do two people's work for the price of one).  I read a lot of askamanager.org's stuff on asking for raises.  The one thing she hammers in every time is that you make the ask & shut up.  That is the most important part.  Shut.  Up.  Let the silence hang for as long as it'll be.  Suppress the instinct to fill in the silence with "But if that's too much, I'll also settle for $X." or some such.  No.  This is one of the reasons why women continue to be consistently underpaid in the marketplace, she says.  So that's what I did.  I sent an email to my boss & CC'd Big Boss (the one who could actually do something about the request) stating the hard facts:  "I'm asking for a raise.  I am the strongest employee in my department, doing well over $1mm/month on my own.  My error rate is 0.01%.  Would this be possible? <email signature>"  I deliberately didn't attach a number to my raise request although I had one in mind that I was hoping to receive.  I actually got really close to it--47 cents shy of my mark, which I was really happy about.

So keep that in mind.  You're worth every penny.

[SonofThunder]

Wow Blueberry Pancakes!!  A huge congratulations to you on the fortitude to ask, the planning in advance to sell the truth, and for earning the recognition and raise!  In addition, a hat-tip to your boss for handling the review professionally, fairly and for taking the time to listen to you and understand the facts. 

You wrote:

"I just wondered if being the scapegoat may have led to developing resilience, problem-solving skills, and inner resolve in adversity."

I really like your thought of finding positivity that can result from past hardship.  My opinion is for you to embrace the answer to your question as a yes!, recognizing where skills exist (no matter if developed from scapegoat hardship) and utilize them to continue to progress forward. 

In a way, doing so is a strong, purposeful way to take the wrongs that have occurred in the past and make some good come from them; not to try and somehow neutralize those wrongs in any way, but rather a way of proclaiming our power to overcome, by gleaning any good we can find.  Again, many congratulations to you.

SoT

[Blueberry Pancakes]

DaisyGirl - Thank you for sharing your own experience. I like the recommendation to state what you want, then shut up. No need to back peddle. Let them respond. I will keep that in mind. Also, congratulations to you too. That really seems like a healthy and assertive behavior.

SoT - Thank you. I agree with what you state about "a strong, purposeful way to take the wrongs that have occurred and make good come from them. It is not about neutralizing those wrongs, but rather a way of proclaiming our power to overcome." Yes! That is exactly how I feel. I guess I was tired of staying frozen out of fear of my boss's reaction. I wanted to do it for me, and so I would know I advocated for myself. That was a huge pivot in my life, and I would never have been able to do while I was in the FOG. Thank you again! 

[Call Me Cordelia]

This is great! When do you find out for sure about the raise?

 

[WhereImAt]

People respect boldness. If you're sick of the situation, you can lay it all down.

This is what I'd do:

Hey boss, I took on a lot of work, when other people quit, and I feel like I deserve to be paid more, because of my current duties and skillset outmatch my pay: I feel I deserve at least x amount of raise, if I don't get somewhere close to that, I am going to have to take my skills elsewhere. I've enjoyed working for this company in the past, but without proper compensation, I will not be happy and motivated to continue.

I'm no expert at doing this in a work setting, but boldness, along with the consequence of quitting empowers you to leave this job with your head held high, knowing you were worth more than this, and that's why you're moving on. Ideally you could save up a bit to have the power to do this.

It's not healthy to be disrespected by your boss, when you're working hard, or taking on way too much so are tired all the time. That's basically abuse in my book, but he also might not realize what's really going on. There might be subtler options like asking, but then you might have to deal with being disrespected, and then mopping around, feeling mistreated, while you deal with a bunch of crap, and have to look for another job under those conditions. So in my opinion it's healthier to either do the ultimatum thing or look for another job. Although if you put your 2 weeks in or whatever, might still have to deal with some stuff, but at least it'd be under your terms more, and it's less likely he's going to be overly critical, if he knows you're on your way out, and wants to get work out of you for those 2 weeks. And that way you can still use it as a reference.

[WhereImAt]

My bad, was tired/dealing with a lot, and added advice that was no longer needed. Sounds like your way worked out! I came here looking to offer some help. Ended up getting helped from you!  I especially liked the whole "being the scapegoat has given you/me/us the ability to solve problems on our own, be resilient in tough situation, and be persistent" type of thing. Like it' has made me super strong to be the scapegoast, because I had to fight for my truth, for my self expression, I had to find ways to hold my head high, while people were trying to drag me down, and to get back up, over and over again. So, even though lately I really resent it, I think there is definitely some positives that come from it, like you said, and that perspective helps me, I'll try to remember it. Thanks for that!

[Blueberry Pancakes]

My bad, was tired/dealing with a lot, and added advice that was no longer needed. Sounds like your way worked out! I came here looking to offer some help. Ended up getting helped from you!

Thank you, WhereImAt. I do appreciate your feedback on how to approach this topic with my boss. I assume these conversations will be something I will have to address ongoing the rest of my career. This is not just a one-time discussion, and done. Bosses will come and go, and with them, the level of receptiveness will change. My default mind set has 'always' been to keep my head down, work diligently, be grateful that I have a job and paycheck, and do not complain because I might lose what I have.

It is extremely difficult to move beyond "just being glad to have a job" mentality, and not wanting to rock the boat and into a more proactive stance where you know your value and can advocate for it unashamed. I believe this will be my ongoing work for a lifetime.

[WhereImAt]

Yes, I totally get it, I'm in a weird situation, where I basically stopped living life to focus on trauma and manipulations to rapidly learn the ability to defend myself, because my neighbor and my Dad are right near me, and I had very little choice, with severe agoraphboia. But I am finding, although I can defend the hell out of myself and assert my worth, it's like not always the best bet to rock the boat excessively, mainly for my mental health, as it feels terrifying, and even I can't handle all these rapid changes and high risk situations, when I don't have my life together more. I think you have the luxury to do more, the better position you're in. It's going to take me a while to find a balance. I basically sacrificed the rest of myself, and although I don't think I have multiple personality disorder, it's kind of like that, since my assertive self isn't fully integrated with the rest of myself, it's confusing.

Anyways, guess what I am saying is that, although I know how to assert myself well, it's not always the best bet, and there's a nuanced approach in life, you can take, depending on the situation. What you did worked for you, I'd call that a win!