My Counselor

[WhereImAt]

I am pretty disturbed and bummed out that my counselor has been messing with me, during this period where I am dealing with both my Covert NPD Dad, and my BPD/NPD? Neighbor abusing me, and working HARD to assert myself, and set boundaries and expectations, and find the courage to heal from various trauma. I now need to change counselors, and I want to change locations, because my counselor is there, and along with other memories there, that were hard, I have agoraphobia that has been exacerbating by abuse, and I am working on it, so my appointments have been over the phone.

Anyways, I know how to stick up for myself great now, but it's hard to find the energy to deal with my Dad, neighbor, and now my counselor, because I only have so much energy, especially when caring for myself, my responsibilities, and my pets, and trying to not fall into situations where I am overly vulnerable, by giving into codependency. It's a lot to take on, like a lot. I am reaching out here, to seek support and understanding. I am using a crisis line, as it's been helpful for venting when I need it, and they have been nice, I am glad I am starting to have a bit of trust again.

Anyways, back to my counselor. I didn't realize it, but  he's done some highly neglectful, and abusive stuff, such as. He's do small talk and puff himself up, DURING me talking about really upsetting stuff, which I found very trivializing. Then I asked him to check in on me during our appointments, since I felt like I wasn't being heard, and at the time, had trouble speaking up for myself, and he never did that. Then when I was struggling, he's try to spin everything, to get me to think positively about it. Which might be good to some extent, for someone with perpetual negativity, but I don't have that, as I am often doing a lot of self care, and working on my perspective. Anyways, all of this shows a lack of empathy, as he never sat with any of my pain, and I never felt emotionally heard, even though some of what he said was helpful, I know it can be hard for people, but if you're a counselor, that's kind of your job!

But it all really came to light recently when he did some really crappy stuff, when I was overwhelmed and had little appreciation to give (which I normally do), and he was on a phone appointment with me, when I was struggling, and my time wasn't up and said "Sorry, there's a lot of people in the waiting room, so I gotta go" I said "Wait a second, what about me? I matter too" and he said "I can call you anytime", and I let it slide, because I am more easy to get ahold of that people who show up there, he never called. He also wasn't returning phone calls, and being flakey, but I can't remember every detail of it all. Anyways, recently, I asked him to come to my house, as he had offered it before, and I know he does it for other clients. He said he showed up, but I overslept, and I said: "My bad on oversleeping, but why didn't you call? As it's our normal mode of conversation. And I asked him to put a little more effort into things, as he ditched me for others, didn't return my phone calls, and I asked him to call next time. Then he tries to push off talking to me for a week. I said "I need help soon, not in a week" (as he knows things with my Dad have come to a huge head recently), and he offers to come down last Friday, and I am vacuuming and carpet cleaning in the living room, right near the front door, he leaves a card in the front door. I never heard a knock, he didn't call. And he again tried to push off the appointment to next week, except he used my Achilles' heel and said I should come down to the office. (the whole point of him coming down, was because of my issues with agoraphobia, and he said I don't have to come in until June, and I was going to do it when I felt more prepared, and had worked on walking more). So I got fed up and said "Okay, I am not talking to you now, I am going to talk to your boss".

What does all this show? Lack of empathy, lack of reliability, abandonment during difficult times, invalidation of emotions, degrading behavior, bait and switch tactics to confuse me, and honestly, devaluation and discard. I feel so freaking pissed off. And I went and vented to two of his bosses, and the crisis line. I know I have the skillset, and ability to articulate and assert myself about it, and I plan on doing it, in the form of a letter soon, to his boss. But I just want to assert myself, leave it 100% up to his boss to make the judgment call, on what to do, and move on to a different facility, as with all I am dealing with, I do not have the energy to be some freedom fighter, and litigate it to the max, to bosses, congressmen, and such. I just feel so angry that my own counselor, who is in a position of power and trust would treat me like this, which is why it's somewhat scary, but since he has control over my mental health file, I think it's important I do something, instead of nothing, and I need to do it for my mental health anyways.

I also just feel so sad that yet another person has betrayed me, and I know there are nice people around, but I am so tired of all my heavily invested relationships being with the wrong people. I feel sad, and overwhelmed, and bummed out from it all, all this change is exhausting, but I am being as strong as I can, and trying to pace myself, and doing everything I can, both to work on my codependent behaviors. I know they played into this a bit, with my counselor, but still, he's the professional, and he probably treats a lot of other people like this, and is abusing his position of power, it's gross to me.

I just needed to vent badly about it all to someone, especially someone not in the mental health field, and they might especially sympathize with my counselor, and blame me excessively, and that's not the right space for me to talk about it.

[Aingeal]

I'm so sorry you are going through this    There are some awful counselors out there but I hope you can find a good one.  Please don't take his treatment of you to heart.  Like any profession there are some who are just in it for the paychecks not to help people.  And unfortunately there are narcissists in every profession.  I've been watching a few therapists on YouTube until I can afford my own therapist (Kris Godinez, Les Carter, Dr. Rama i etc.)  Here is a good link to Kris Godinez' what to look for/beware of with a therapist.  Don't forget you have all the power in your mental health treatment - you CAN fire a therapist - keep changing therapists until you find one who is actually helping you.  I only know what I just read about your situation but that therapist sounds like a jerk IMO    The good news is that you saw that behavior in the therapist - no excuses/ no denying it - and that is a sign of your healing (plus going to his bosses - good for you!!  Next step go to a lawyer too  )

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sUEi7wwk9Uc

Hugs to you !