What to do when you feel hopeless

[WhiteWolf]

Feeling hopeless today. That I'll ever get away or get him out of my life. That it's literally impossible. The divorce is moving at a glacial pace and trying to modify the OP is a huge mess with attorneys trying to write all kinds of stuff in the motion that wasn't discussed. I just can't say, I'm really done, even though I already pretty much said that when I filed for divorce. So he's saying oh let's just "pause" the divorce blah blah and why am I even pausing at that? I just want to fire my attorney and ignore it all lol. I know that's not actually possible but really, not sure what to do anymore. I'm still running all my actions through a filter of what won't make him blow up. I just can't go no contact for some reason. I keep saying I need someone else to help me talk to him and everybody keeps saying no no just do it yourself but not listening to the fact that I JUST CAN'T right now by myself. It's really depressing. Don't get me wrong living separately from him is so much better on so many levels. I do recognize that.

[haribo_milchbaren]

Feeling hopeless today. That I'll ever get away or get him out of my life. That it's literally impossible. The divorce is moving at a glacial pace and trying to modify the OP is a huge mess with attorneys trying to write all kinds of stuff in the motion that wasn't discussed. I just can't say, I'm really done, even though I already pretty much said that when I filed for divorce. So he's saying oh let's just "pause" the divorce blah blah and why am I even pausing at that? I just want to fire my attorney and ignore it all lol. I know that's not actually possible but really, not sure what to do anymore. I'm still running all my actions through a filter of what won't make him blow up. I just can't go no contact for some reason. I keep saying I need someone else to help me talk to him and everybody keeps saying no no just do it yourself but not listening to the fact that I JUST CAN'T right now by myself. It's really depressing. Don't get me wrong living separately from him is so much better on so many levels. I do recognize that.

I'm not sure I understood correctly -  you said that you need someone else to talk to him instead of doing it yourself? Is it because you miss him, or need to keep in touch for important stuff? If it's for important stuff, is it possible to at least keep contact to a very minimum and use lawyers as the intermediary when possible? It'll be more expensive of course, but could be worth it.  I have read that if you do miss them, it's a really good idea to keep a list of the reasons why you left and want a divorce, and look at them every time you miss them and want to talk. I know for myself I've began compiling notes on my phone that I know I will need eventually. I haven't filed any paperwork yet so it's the calm before the storm. But everyone has assured me that the storm is coming.

Also, that you recognize living by yourself is so much better is something to celebrate!

[guitarman]

Try to be gentler and kinder to yourself. It's not easy to go no contact or start a divorce. Take small steps.

You've experienced abuse over a long time. It takes time to build your self esteem. It can be so difficult to do the things you need to do to protect yourself and put your needs first. You are not used to doing that. You matter.

Other people really don't understand unless they've experienced a similar situation themselves.

One tiny step at a time and gradually you will achieve your goal. You may go back a few steps along the way but eventually you will do what needs to be done to succeed.

You may find help for yourself by joining a support group, going to a mental health carers support group or seeing a counsellor. You need to work on building your self esteem.

It can feel draining emotionally and physically to be around someone living with BPD, NPD etc. The stress and worry can be extreme. That takes it's toll on your mental and physical health, even when no abuse is occurring the thought that it might is so stressful. You have to use all your energy just to get through each day.

I hope you feel better soon and are able to do what you need to do for yourself to live your future peaceful and successful life free from abuse.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe  Keep posting.

[JustKeepTrying]

Do you have children with him?  Is that why you are still tied together?
If not, then keep all the communication to between the lawyers or email.  Texting if needed. 

It takes time for your nervous system to reset.  I think it was hhaw who told me that it would take time for me to reset physically after my divorce.  I was married for more than 30 years and that first six months were brutal.  I still struggle and it's been three years and I am mostly no contact.  Or the bare minimum at best.

Consider journaling.  Do a mental dump at the end of every day.  Just write without a censorship and put it all on paper.  Think of like purging the poison from your system.  Also if you haven't already, get a therapist.  Consider a trauma therapist if you can find one.  Do not underestimate the effect on your psyche.

Be kind to yourself.  And applaud your bravery. You took big steps and you should be proud.

[Poison Ivy]

A primary reason people hire attorneys for divorces is so they don't have to communicate directly with the STBX. Please, use your attorney for this very important service!

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

I've been there; I think we all have one way or another.

It will get better - it will take time and it will feel awful, but things will change.

At times, it helped me to focus on all the little things in my life that were better.  So many day to day basic things that my ex-PD spouse ruined for me.

I do recommend that you re-evaluate the NC tool.  If I could go back in time - even just 6 months, I would tell myself, go NC.  No conversation, verbal explanation, pleading, etc...  is going to help you, so just don't.

I'm 100% NC now, we share an 18 year old son, so most of the time, it's no problem.  Certainly, if he was a functioning human being it would have been nice to co-parent.

[escapingman]

You have to go NC or as low contact as possible. My main use of my lawyer is to do all communication with STBX through her lawyer. I can't have one simple discussion with her without it spiralling out of control, she would try all different tactics in just one conversation to get her way. She would probably start with being as nice as possible, switch to rage and finish it off with being the victim. My nervous system can't take this and therefor I have to use middlemen. STBX is trying to get the contact opened up but I am firmly keeping the door shut.

Good luck!

[hhaw]

WhiteWolf:

I wish I understood how divorce with a PD works BEFORE I filed for divorce.

Now you're in it and it's difficult to find your center, IME. Mostly..... the battle becomes an emotional roller coaster where the PD gives you hope, weakens your position through deal making then snatches the hope away by lying, cheating and stealing behind your back, over and over while you continue to hope and pray the divorce can be over soon.....quickly.... without a trial.

I don't know why I thought a trial would be the worst thing ever, but I ended up trying to have my day in court only to have the Judge threaten me and my ASPD stbx to "settle or I'll punish both of you if you force me to hear your case."

We had 2 days scheduled for trial, btw.  That Judge broke down after a few hours of testimony from my stbx..... you could see th Judge's eyes swimming around in his head like gumballs.... poor guys was out of his depth and didn't want to be responsible.

I guess I'm trying to say......
don't fear trial.  IME it's the quickest way out of divorce with a PD, IME.

Lean into trial.  Prepare and organize youre evidence..... make it safe.  Make sure you don't mark up Originals. 

Your PD is and will suck the life force out of your brain and body.  That's his job.  To torment, wear you down and bully/sweet talk you into compliance..... he wants you to drop the divorce.  That;s his goal.... he'll ALSO be dragging his feet, adding time, rescheduling dates and hearings and eventually trial dates.

How you get around that is to tell your attorney you don't want to cancel ANYTHING until you have a signed and stamped divorce decree in your hand..... a signed and stamped SETTLEMENT AGREEMENT.  Just let every and all hearing and courtdate or deposition ride on that calendar.... cancel NOTHING based on ANY promise your stbx makes.

About subjecting yourself to him out of fear and bc ignorant other people tell you to.

You can withdraw from contact with your stbx.  YOU CAN.  It might feel wrong or bad or usafe, but you do well to think all contingencies through and plan for worst case scenario.  If you're worried he'll come to your home, break in, assault you vs call and phone you nad your family and friends.... those are two possible reactions stbx might have to you cutting him off.

What does YOUR GUT tell you he'll do?  You mentioned walking on eggshells trying to avoid blow ups... paraphrasing here...but you seem to have some fear around stbx's reactions to what you do.

1.  You will NEVER control him with your words and deeds.  I know it feels that way.  He's made you believe you're responsible for his bullying blow ups, but he's lying to you.   No matter what you do, he's going to blow up, sabotage this divorce and you if you let him.

2.  IF you're going to end up in the same place.... divorced after many months or year in divorce court.... you might as well limit contact, do what you can to get through this with economy of motion then put the story on the shelf so you can turn towards things you want more of.

3.  The PD is living rent free in your head, occupying your mind, creating a fear loop of hopelessness.  You have a choice to take that space BACK and evict stbx from your thoughts as often as you can.  It's what leads to building a better life and finding the joy all around you, IME.

4.  You might have a worry worry worry worry coping strategy right now, but you can change it to one where you do EVERYTHING you can, then put the problems down and turn toward the good stuff.  The people you enjoy, who build you up, who GET IT and who want better things for you...... the people who tell you it's OK not to speak to your PD and who watch your back.

5.  It's OK to put down people in your life who don't get it.  It's OK to close your circle and include only those who support your mission and spend no or little time forcing you to doubt and question yourself.

Right now you're feeling powerless and at the mercy of.  You don't trust your attorney......

what can you do about this?

You might fire your attorney or
have a frank compassionate discussion with him about your msssion to push forward, cancel nothing and get to the trial courtroom as quick as possible.   I'd make sure to give him a list of my MUST HAVEs so he understands I'm more than willing to settle, be completely reasonable and avoid trial, BUT he needs to know I don't want to go round and round fighting over thing that don't include my list.  If the PD says NO to the list.... the discussions can end bc I'm being overtly reasonable and willing to settle, of course I'd want that....you want that...... the problem is the PDs typical pathological inability to settle ANYTHING.... it's not us.

If you speak your truth with compassion, without judgment, without expectation and allow your attorney to come to your conclusions on his own.... things will go better.  Attonreys many times are Ns themselves.  If you feel this one is letting you down and will continue to do so... fire him and hire someone else.  It's OK.  I had to do it.  I wish I'd done it sooner, frankly.

BTW, your attonrey is your tool....... YOU have to live with the outcome of these proceeedings.  Make sure to write out all your instructions and document them.  Make sure you're clear....not wishy washy about your intentions TO BE DIVORCED with economy of motion, expense and trauma. 

Just bc your attonrey wants to cancel hearings and trial dates, bc the PD made a promise nad his attorney assumes he'll follow through, doesn't mean you have to agree or allow it.

Put yourself in your attorney's shoes.... he doesn't want to go to trial.  He would punish anyone he feels is causing his going to trail.  YOU be clear on this.... but also clear on the fact you aren't willing to cancel a single date based on a single PD promise.  If the PD wants something cancelled he can follow through.

That goes for settlement conferences. It's not typical, but you can ask all parties agree to hand write out any AGREEMENT with all parties signing it and your attonrey can walk it to the Clerk;s office, file it and hand you a stamped copy BEFORE any dates are cancelled.  I think that's reasonable considering it takes so long to GET any date set for anything and foot dragging is in the PD's standard operating proceedures playbook. 

And remember.... trial isn't something to be afraid of. 

I'd be more concerned with learning how to calm yourself down, breathe...... put ice packs on your chest..... find something that takes your mind off the problems at hand but know you have choices how you go through these difficult times. 

Know you'll regret allowing the PD to terrorize you the entire time, like he's IN the room with you, bc he's INSIDE your head and you aren't evicting him.

If you can, find a good trauma informed T to teach you how to calm your Nervous System, say NO and hold a boundary even when you're fearful......
and things can get better.

EM is right about going NC.  YOU WILL FEEL BETTER.  You'll start to feel your old self again, recognize parts of yourself you thought were gone....... you can begin cultivating safety and serenity for yourself.

In the long run, you're going to be divorced.

How do you want to spend your time during this process?

Suffring and fearful or doing more of what you like and cultivating a new life without the PD?

It's up to you, even though it doesn't feel that way, it is.

You're more powerful than you feel and the PD knows this.  That's why he's trying to break you down.... do you don't discover how much agency you really have over your life.

[WhiteWolf]

Thanks again so much for everyone's responses. I love that I can depend on some really thought provoking yet encouraging replies when I post here...and I appreciate that it's time out of everyone's day when you post a reply so I'm very grateful. hhaw especially thank you so much for taking the time to write such a helpful reply, it really resonated with me and caused me to think. Thank you all!