Recent posts
#51
Going No Contact with a PD Parent / Re: I see them tomorrow, wish ...
Last post by walking on broken glass - May 03, 2024, 04:52:24 AMHi Generic, I just read your story. I am so glad for the outcome! 
I can't imagine how relieved you must all be. It must feel like a vindication. I hope you got some sense of closure as well, being able to face your parents in court and have them hear in public what you thought about them. Sending big hugs!
I can't imagine how relieved you must all be. It must feel like a vindication. I hope you got some sense of closure as well, being able to face your parents in court and have them hear in public what you thought about them. Sending big hugs!
#52
Chosen Relationships / Re: Can anyone interpret this
Last post by SonofThunder - May 02, 2024, 06:35:02 PMI will add a few thoughts, assuming your SO is a PD and that I am understanding what occurred prior (i may not).
When I am interacting with, and trying to understand a PD, I must always remember that 'self' is a PD's motived fuel supply and that PD's don't internally feed/fuel themselves. Therefore, 'motive is everything'. My radar is always seeking to detect the true motive in play.
A couple principles I believe are always in gear for a PD and with knowledge and awareness, they become a continuous improvement tool for my understanding and recognition of PD motive.
-Karpman Drama Triangle: (3 roles: Perpetrator, Victim, Rescuer). In a PD's life, they will always be playing one role and the target is manipulated to play another of the three. The ultimate goal for a PD in this continuous role-dance is to get back to 'victim'. Imo all roles provide the PD 'self' fuel, but victimhood provides the most.
-IDD Cycle (Idealize, Devalue, Discard). Imo, I believe the IDD in PD relationships is a much grander/longer cycle motive and the drama triangle is a smaller/shorter tool used by a PD to assist in cycling the larger IDD.
Imo, "Thank you for not giving up on me" implies that the PD's finger is pointing at the "you" for the verb of "giving up". It may have been delivered in a kind tone, but the real motive is "..on me"; the focus was not an "us" or a "you". You are the perpetrator who is being labeled by the PD, by assumed "giving up" on the false victim. PD's use 'projection' to flip the script on the true victim of their emotional and/or other types of abuse.
In this case, if mistreatment of you by the persecutor-PD caused you to victim-depart, you were the true victim. Is it fair to say that upon departure, you were then made out to be the perpetrator for leaving (a projection-flipped role = more PD fuel) and the PD has been dancing the victim role in this ordeal? (more fuel btw)
Upon returning, more manipulation (gaslighting) may be in play as the PD creatively thanks you for not continuing your departure, which is very confusing to hear from the person who caused your departure.
F.O.G. is very confusing and a PD will keep relationships as foggy as possible, because it enhances their manipulation. PD's condition in others to create F.O.G.
I may not understand your situation but again, the IDD cycle and drama triangle (also a cycle) are how PD's keep the food around so they can feed/fuel.
SoT
When I am interacting with, and trying to understand a PD, I must always remember that 'self' is a PD's motived fuel supply and that PD's don't internally feed/fuel themselves. Therefore, 'motive is everything'. My radar is always seeking to detect the true motive in play.
A couple principles I believe are always in gear for a PD and with knowledge and awareness, they become a continuous improvement tool for my understanding and recognition of PD motive.
-Karpman Drama Triangle: (3 roles: Perpetrator, Victim, Rescuer). In a PD's life, they will always be playing one role and the target is manipulated to play another of the three. The ultimate goal for a PD in this continuous role-dance is to get back to 'victim'. Imo all roles provide the PD 'self' fuel, but victimhood provides the most.
-IDD Cycle (Idealize, Devalue, Discard). Imo, I believe the IDD in PD relationships is a much grander/longer cycle motive and the drama triangle is a smaller/shorter tool used by a PD to assist in cycling the larger IDD.
Imo, "Thank you for not giving up on me" implies that the PD's finger is pointing at the "you" for the verb of "giving up". It may have been delivered in a kind tone, but the real motive is "..on me"; the focus was not an "us" or a "you". You are the perpetrator who is being labeled by the PD, by assumed "giving up" on the false victim. PD's use 'projection' to flip the script on the true victim of their emotional and/or other types of abuse.
In this case, if mistreatment of you by the persecutor-PD caused you to victim-depart, you were the true victim. Is it fair to say that upon departure, you were then made out to be the perpetrator for leaving (a projection-flipped role = more PD fuel) and the PD has been dancing the victim role in this ordeal? (more fuel btw)
Upon returning, more manipulation (gaslighting) may be in play as the PD creatively thanks you for not continuing your departure, which is very confusing to hear from the person who caused your departure.
F.O.G. is very confusing and a PD will keep relationships as foggy as possible, because it enhances their manipulation. PD's condition in others to create F.O.G.
I may not understand your situation but again, the IDD cycle and drama triangle (also a cycle) are how PD's keep the food around so they can feed/fuel.
SoT
#53
Going No Contact with a PD Parent / Re: I see them tomorrow, wish ...
Last post by Rose1 - May 02, 2024, 06:06:32 PMFrom Moglow even if that twinge hits, it'll be more of "LOOK at what you MADE us do, what YOU did to us!"
Sadly you're most likely correct in what you're saying.
I'm glad the judge saw through it.
Sadly you're most likely correct in what you're saying.
I'm glad the judge saw through it.
#54
Going No Contact with a PD Parent / Re: Those, who have been NC 5 ...
Last post by DaisyGirl77 - May 02, 2024, 06:06:03 PMThis December will be 9 years NC with my uNM. June is 11 years NC with uBPD eF's mom (she lost all rights to the title of grandmother), & 13-14 years NC with my father's brother. Longer than that for the one cousin I have on the paternal side. All except for the cousin were explosively NC. Cousin chose to ghost me the second I started telling her that our grandmother was looney tunes. She sided with her, in the end.
I think it's a mixed bag. There's a huge part of me that still grieves for the relationships I thought I had before they showed their true colors. Family is so important to me; all I honestly want is the close connection that I see portrayed on TV, where everyone so clearly loves & respects each other & show it in a thousand different ways. All of them claimed it to be important to them, too, but all the things they did aren't things family ever does. I grieve for the family I'll never have; the loss of the idea of family I've always wanted. I grieve for the me who was just so hurt by the betrayal of all of them & all the time & effort & energy I POURED into cups that never would be filled in the hopes that they'd JUST SHOW ONE OUNCE of love & care for me that I'd been BEGGING for for YEARS.
But I also don't regret being NC with them all. In the uBPD's case, it quite literally came down to sacrificing my mental health & actual physical safety for her, or protecting my mental health & physical safety for me. It came down to my mental health for my uNM as well. I had to choose me. I had no more options left. I was "tried" out. I'd done everything I could have, done truly herculean efforts, to make her SEE me as I truly am, not the picture of the horrible child she's made me out to be since literal infancy. Nothing doing. She chose to remain angry & refuse to give me the apology I asked for & to make real changes if she wanted us to heal. So her decision finally broke that last straw. I chose me. I've spent all this time in therapy healing from the damage. I don't regret it.
But I still find myself wishing I could just call up both my parents & get their approval for all the little things. To see how proud they'd be of each new success I make. But I constantly have to remind myself that I need to find approval from me, because I know I'll fall into the trap of being hungry for the next sign of approval & completely abandon all the progress I've made. I also have to grieve for the inner me when uNM eventually dies because that'll be the end of ever repairing the mother/daughter relationship my sisters have & that I never had & have always wanted.
It really is such a mixed bag. So the only thing I have, honestly, is to be kind to yourself. Recognize all the progress you've made so far. It's fuckin' HARD, man, & you've done it. Yeah, you're missing all those people, but you're missing the people you thought you had, & the chance of calling them up for the 1% they'll actually congratulate you or tell you they love you or that they're really sorry or whatnot. Keep focusing on what's best for you & choose that. Just be kind to your heart.
I think it's a mixed bag. There's a huge part of me that still grieves for the relationships I thought I had before they showed their true colors. Family is so important to me; all I honestly want is the close connection that I see portrayed on TV, where everyone so clearly loves & respects each other & show it in a thousand different ways. All of them claimed it to be important to them, too, but all the things they did aren't things family ever does. I grieve for the family I'll never have; the loss of the idea of family I've always wanted. I grieve for the me who was just so hurt by the betrayal of all of them & all the time & effort & energy I POURED into cups that never would be filled in the hopes that they'd JUST SHOW ONE OUNCE of love & care for me that I'd been BEGGING for for YEARS.
But I also don't regret being NC with them all. In the uBPD's case, it quite literally came down to sacrificing my mental health & actual physical safety for her, or protecting my mental health & physical safety for me. It came down to my mental health for my uNM as well. I had to choose me. I had no more options left. I was "tried" out. I'd done everything I could have, done truly herculean efforts, to make her SEE me as I truly am, not the picture of the horrible child she's made me out to be since literal infancy. Nothing doing. She chose to remain angry & refuse to give me the apology I asked for & to make real changes if she wanted us to heal. So her decision finally broke that last straw. I chose me. I've spent all this time in therapy healing from the damage. I don't regret it.
But I still find myself wishing I could just call up both my parents & get their approval for all the little things. To see how proud they'd be of each new success I make. But I constantly have to remind myself that I need to find approval from me, because I know I'll fall into the trap of being hungry for the next sign of approval & completely abandon all the progress I've made. I also have to grieve for the inner me when uNM eventually dies because that'll be the end of ever repairing the mother/daughter relationship my sisters have & that I never had & have always wanted.
It really is such a mixed bag. So the only thing I have, honestly, is to be kind to yourself. Recognize all the progress you've made so far. It's fuckin' HARD, man, & you've done it. Yeah, you're missing all those people, but you're missing the people you thought you had, & the chance of calling them up for the 1% they'll actually congratulate you or tell you they love you or that they're really sorry or whatnot. Keep focusing on what's best for you & choose that. Just be kind to your heart.
#55
The Welcome Mat / Re: Married and struggling
Last post by downwiththefog - May 02, 2024, 05:52:07 PMHi @Needsupportthankyou
I stand with @SonOfThunder that
> any information to a PD is like showing a playbook to the opposing team in a sporting event
Unfortunately I learned that hard way. I started taking time off work to do JADE, to explain my Lightbulb.
Then I presented my uPDw with divorce papers, and retracted them on the condition we do couple therapy.
Everything I said in therapy is now being used against me.
She feels she is perfect and I must repent and recant.
Do not do what I did.
Just MC asnd stop JADE and grow a clear mind
my best wishes
I stand with @SonOfThunder that
> any information to a PD is like showing a playbook to the opposing team in a sporting event
Unfortunately I learned that hard way. I started taking time off work to do JADE, to explain my Lightbulb.
Then I presented my uPDw with divorce papers, and retracted them on the condition we do couple therapy.
Everything I said in therapy is now being used against me.
She feels she is perfect and I must repent and recant.
Do not do what I did.
Just MC asnd stop JADE and grow a clear mind
my best wishes
#56
Chosen Relationships / Re: Can anyone interpret this
Last post by Tryingtounderstand - May 02, 2024, 05:35:58 PMThank you square! You truly are the voice of reason
#57
Common Behaviors / Re: Boundaries for thee, none ...
Last post by sunshine702 - May 02, 2024, 04:58:16 PMI honestly think the unfettered access is in my experience is for snooping / intelligence gathering. My dad suggested he would give me money for some of the moving costs I have right now. But he seems to want access to my bank account not just a Zelle payment. He will be calling asking why I spent $15non pizza
#58
Common Behaviors / Re: Boundaries for thee, none ...
Last post by sunshine702 - May 02, 2024, 04:48:46 PMMy most jaw dropping Narc entitlement boundary shattering story was when my parents BROKE INTO my house — stuffing my mom through a cracked downstairs bathroom window for my dogs while I was at work. And when I tried to ask them umm not to do that they didn't think anything was wrong. They had "bought things from Costco for me. So it was supposed to be all ok. Why they could not leave the items on the front patio like normal people in my safe neighborhood!
From that moment forward I never let them at my house but did not bother explaining.
From that moment forward I never let them at my house but did not bother explaining.
#59
Going No Contact with a PD Parent / Re: I see them tomorrow, wish ...
Last post by NarcKiddo - May 02, 2024, 01:19:58 PMI am so happy for you. Of course it is a crying shame you were put through this ordeal at all. But at least the right decision was made.
#60
Going No Contact with a PD Parent / Re: I see them tomorrow, wish ...
Last post by moglow - May 02, 2024, 10:44:55 AM" Maybe on reflection they will realise how it made them look. "
Cynical mo says, they seem far more concerned about shining that light elsewhere than to pull themselves out of the self-imposed shadows. I do wonder if there's a twinge of "OMG what have we done. now people KNOW, they said it in COURT and it's in the court RECORDS" I suspect that even if that twinge hits, it'll be more of "LOOK at what you MADE us do, what YOU did to us!"
Cynical mo says, they seem far more concerned about shining that light elsewhere than to pull themselves out of the self-imposed shadows. I do wonder if there's a twinge of "OMG what have we done. now people KNOW, they said it in COURT and it's in the court RECORDS" I suspect that even if that twinge hits, it'll be more of "LOOK at what you MADE us do, what YOU did to us!"