Its my son's 18th birthday. I did all the planning; simple surprise party with his friends at a local park with beach volleyball. I bought watermelon and soft drinks and waters and got help getting sandwiches and cupcakes and we got there and it was watching everything that happened and everything I did and being violently angry at the people nearby playing loud music or insisting to others who sat in a picnic table that "we reserved this pavilion". But then when we got home I was cursed at by my daughter then her. It just wouldn't stop. I left. I had to get away. I just left. I won't even be there when my son gets home. I want to be a better person. I want to be treated well and not be assumed that I'm messing things up.
I'm sorry your wife and daughter treated you badly, especially on this special day for your son. I think you made a wise choice in leaving and going to a hotel.
Oh jsinjin, this really sucks.
I'm glad you were able to take a step back from the situation, but I'm sorry you are going through this...especially on your son's birthday.
Well done ! How brave of you! You deserve to be treated with kindness and politely. Nobody should curse at you for trying to do something nice. I am so glad you took a stand and decided to take care of yourself and protect yourself from further injury - for once! Please keep on protecting yourself.
Jsinjin, Way to go my friend! I am proud of your non- acceptance of abusive treatment.
I can imagine how hard this is for you right now and how all over the place you must be feeling!
Please know that you are doing the right thing.
Try taking some deep, slow, calming breaths and do whatever you can to get centered and stay there.
Try not to let irrational thoughts or anxieties creep in.
I'm sending you strength and encouragement.
~BC
Jsinjin, I'm sorry you experienced this from your wife and daughter. Do you and your son have any shared interests, outside the home, that the two ladies do not enjoy? If so, consider inviting your son ASAP for a dad & son special event where you take a day/weekend to have fun together, putting this derailed birthday party behind you. Again sorry the PDwife made it about her.
I have had these proactive outside interests with both my daughter and my son for many years, and still make it a point to periodically plan individual outings for 1-on-1 time, even though they are both married. What helps accomplish this without too much drama (except my uPDw hates to spend the night alone in the house, but she's adult so deal with it!), is to encourage this same thing for my uPDwife to do with each child. By encouraging my wife, it also makes it fair game for me, so drama regarding the proactivity is pointless since she's encouraged to be proactive also.
My son is now 28 and married, but we've been doing these purposeful dad/son events since he was in middle school, so I can get PD-removed, one-on-one time with him. My son and I recently, before COVID, went to a 2-day fly fishing school in another state and it was a blast. My adult daughter (24 yr old) got married last year and she and I have also been doing things regularly since grade school. We now, 1x per week, meet very early morning for dad/daughter coffee dates, and the year before her wedding, we took a dad/daughter long weekend together to Disneyworld and did the parks and water parks. Such a blast!
So I encourage you to think about shared interests you enjoy with each child. Make sure those shared interests are not interests that your PDwife enjoys, or she may try and make it difficult for you to go solo. That may have to be creative with your daughter and may need to be a dad/daughter interest in a new hobby that you both can learn together, but again make sure it's an interest that your wife would not enjoy.
I can tell you from experience that these events are not only precious, but extremely helpful for both you and your child, as the binds between you will grow, but also your child will begin to recognize (without you discussing it at all = leave all discussion of PDmom/traits/past experiences at home) how peaceful and non-drama their time with dad can be. They need to recognize and process this on their own, not by your trying to teach them. Teaching them can backfire because of the natural mom/child bond and the other spouse badmouthing the other parent, rarely goes as planned, and not only makes things uncomfortable, by them feeling in the 'middle', but it can turn against you by their natural self-defense of the other parent.
Again, simply having a great, relaxed, no drama peaceful one-on-one outing together is the goal. Enough of these type outings and the child will learn that life CAN be different.
SoT
I'm so sorry this happened, jsinjin. But am very glad you refused to take it.
I'm so sorry Jsinjin, but what a huge step for you. You deserve so much better and glad to see you are taking some steps toward that goal of creating something better for yourself.
I feel for you Jsinjin, that's horrible abuse. So very toxic. You've had some great advice above. I'd add that journaling right now would be incredibly helpful to you. I did it a lot when in the eye of the storm after leaving exuPDbf one and exuPDbf 2 (and some other fucked up people who weren't PDs but deffo had issues. My bad!) Getting it on paper saved my life some nights.
We are your support group Jsinjin and we are holding you in our hearts right now.
Good on you for having the courage to step away from the chaos.
Collect yourself and take whatever peaceful time away that you need, to decide how you want to handle things moving forward. One thought on this situation is you should be wary of attempts to lure you back right away. Could be guilt about how your actions are impacting the family, could be false promises about how she has changed. If you have to, shut off your phone or block numbers. If you decide to go back - do it when you are ready, not when you feel like you have to.
We're in your corner.
I'm sorry to hear that you've faced some tough times with your wife and daughter.
I'm cheering for you and the courage that you displayed in calmly separating yourself from the situation.
Stay strong, be kind to yourself. You can do this!
And what Boat Babe and Pushit said above. Be very careful about being lured back in. This has to be about you right now. Journaling was a life saver for me. I still do when I feel anxious and it helps to just splash all the words and thoughts onto paper.
And I know we are strangers to you but reach out to this board, We are in your corner. Stay strong, you can do this.
jsinjin,
So sorry for the latest episode, it's very sad that she behaves this way towards you and the children. Reprehensible. :no:
It speaks well of you that you left, sends a clear message that you are the healthier party (whether DD can see it right now or not).
Others have good suggestions here, I would say block updw on your phone, but not the kids.
Most importantly, the journaling. When I would try and journal after a traumatic event sometimes my brain wouldn't cooperate and would just go blank. IME, its super important to push through the dissonance and journal because it can become a lifeline to strengthen you.
You are not alone, folks here understand and are on your side.
Wow it stinks.
You still trying to do right by the kids and for the family unit. Taking more and more abuse on your shoulders, holding back on the natural human responses to such angering garbage being flung your way. Then watching a birthday be ruined just so the perpetrator can further abuse you.
Yes, very glad you took the time away from more of this.
I agree with SOT, take separate time with those who need and appreciate it. Don't feed the trolls as they say online.
And the kids deserve time with you that is not derailed, contentious and embarrassing or worse for them.
How are you doing?
The big events are always the ones that they seem to amp up at. So upsetting. Sounds like you tried to make it a really nice time
I'm at my family's (mom and sisters) homes south of Austin in the hill country. I've been looking at houses here. I'm avoiding her.
Given the complexity of your situation, I might recommend not buying anything right now and just renting a place. Keep things in your life simple until you know how it'll work out. It may take some of the stress off too. Additionally, it's easier to get out of a rental than a purchase if you decide you don't like or need it.
I was just going to jump in and say the same thing as Andeza. I'd highly recommend renting for right now too. You may have already considered this, but any home purchases made while married are going to be considered marital property during a divorce, so your wife would be entitled to half the equity. At least that's how it works in my location.
Sounds like a good time to get some legal advice if you haven't already done so.
One foot in front of the other, you've got this.
Ultimately, I've got to throw this one back to financial advice I've received in the past that was extremely sound. Any time you're dealing with an intense, emotional situation, that is NOT the time to make large financial decisions. Those large, financial decisions ought to be pushed back by at least six months if at all possible.
Quote from: Jsinjin on July 03, 2021, 10:57:57 AM
I'm at my family's (mom and sisters) homes south of Austin in the hill country. I've been looking at houses here. I'm avoiding her.
You are doing amazingly well that you still are staying away! Now you might consider calling your company and tell them that your bank account has changed. Then you could tell them to transfer your salary to the bank account that your wife has no access to. That way you re-gain some control over your life.
I strongly suggest talking to an attorney before making any financial moves, be it purchasing a home, or transferring funds.
I just had this conversation with my attorney and I was surprised at the restrictions.
Jsinjin, glad to hear you are out of your home and thinking of your self right now. Wishing you all the best.
I'm not really worried about finances. She will be fine in a divorce and I will as well. The home we live in is a fine one and there isn't a mortgage on it. I'm sure she would get half of the retirement and probably a settlement. We live in Texas so it's typically no fault. I've been diversifying into real estate quite a bit lately.
But I do appreciate the advice.
Given your job and financial situation, I'm certain you're a knowledgeable person regarding laws and contracts. But get some legal advice if you haven't yet.
Speaking from the other side of divorce - Family law moves in weird ways at times. Just make sure you're not surprised by something you shouldn't have been surprised by.
I have to say I love the confidence I see in your last post. Stay strong, brother.
Thanks all. Yes I do have an attorney and lots of rather nice but nasty attorneys in my extended family with whom I've been talking. My extended family is tired of this merry go round and is helping me navigate this.
My biggest problem isn't finances and I'm rather impassionate about money (I'm very sensitive to others situations in this forum and in life), it's about my tendency to have enormous guilt and fear of her wrapped up together or in bursts between those.
She was bawling about something that shouldn't even be an issue (getting a rental car for a college visit she has with our son next week) and at the same time explosively angry about problems with tiny things.
My life and career have been focused on very large problem solving particularly when big systems go really bad. So when there is a crisis I go into solve mode. But a crisis for her is that someone loaded the cups into the "wrong" side of the top dishwasher rack or a kid chooses not to take their AP chemistry exam because the have a solid A in the class and the exam is very hard to pass and they don't intend to study chemistry in college and they don't want to go to a college that accepts AP credit. Those kinds of things (behaviors) are all the time and almost any time there is a peaceful lull. I know this bugger of a decision throws 20 plus years of her emotional control our the window and this is a woman who never spoke to her dad after he divorced her mom (same problems) despite crying for years about missing her father even to his dear because "he broke a promise".
I've dealt with difficult people, had to "negotiate" at the board table, had to help make clients satisfied, had to build relationships and do many emotional things but I've never been able to get to a point where she seems happy about things in life. And that sort of sucks me back in.
Sorry for the long post. That's my problem. It's not finances or the ability to make decisions. I have problems not solving and she is one of the only people in my life who consistently makes no win situations.
Glad to hear you're getting legal advice. Your prior posts sounded like you were making emotional decisions, which is what I was warning against.
There are many parallels between your situation and mine. I'm also a problem solver by nature, and in my career. My exPDw is also a person that manufactures chaos and presents problems (not actual problems) for others to solve.
This will sound incredibly simplistic, but it all comes down to whether or not you choose to be the caretaker anymore. The problems won't stop, that person will never change, and you will never be able to solve all the problems to make her happy. Once you realize that the decision is easy.
When you negotiate big decisions at work I'm guessing you expect the people on the other side of the table to act like adults and hold up their end of the bargain, right? There is no reason not to expect the same thing from your spouse. When I realized I would never allow my coworkers/colleagues/clients to treat me the same way I allowed my wife to treat me that opened my eyes.
I decided a few years ago that I was done trying to solve everything. That decision ultimately led to the end of my marriage, but I was fine with that because it wasn't a marriage if I had to run around plugging all the holes in the ship while she created more. Today, I sit watching her family run around and try to plug the ship. Nothing has changed. I place my ex's problems back in her court to solve, so she just found someone else to help her. All it came down to was me no longer wanting to babysit a 50 year old woman, and wanting the ability to live my life. The switch that needed to flip was me realizing that I needed to change my reactions to her behavior and stop trying to get her to change.
:yeahthat:
I am uncomfortable with feeling powerless so I convince myself I can fix anything. It is very painful to accept that some things/people/issues are not solvable. When I accepted that no amount of guilt/fear/capitulation was going to change my former spouse or our marriage issues, I was able to get some traction.
Discerning healthy guilt is important too. You are not responsible for your spouses behavior.
You are blessed to have family support.
Hopefully you can create some space for yourself as you process everything,
the south Austin/Hill Country area is beautiful.
"I am uncomfortable with feeling powerless so I convince myself I can fix anything. It is very painful to accept that some things/people/issues are not solvable. When I accepted that no amount of guilt/fear/capitulation was going to change my former spouse or our marriage issues, I was able to get some traction." This has been true for me, too.
I've been off the grid for several days, so I'm just catching up on this one! Wow! I'm so impressed at the bold steps you've taken toward your freedom, and a new, stable life for yourself and your children! You have been so supportive of me as I went though this process. You sound strong right now, and ready to clear the next hurdles. I just wanted to say I'm over here cheering for you!
Quote from: Poison Ivy on July 05, 2021, 11:59:30 AM
"I am uncomfortable with feeling powerless so I convince myself I can fix anything. It is very painful to accept that some things/people/issues are not solvable. When I accepted that no amount of guilt/fear/capitulation was going to change my former spouse or our marriage issues, I was able to get some traction." This has been true for me, too.
It's funny but since I met her many years ago, she was the first person in my whole life sphere who had a fatalistic "unsolvable" type of view. Things in her world were always at a point where they were impossible to solve or even have a best case. And I've dealt with that for too long. From kids activities to relationships with others to homes or work we always had a view of the worst case was happening and there was no win or solution.
Some things in live are inevitable: you get a ticket for traffic and you pay the fine and do defensive driving. But some things aren't the end of the world.
I've tried and spent my life racing from one mess to another.
I'm tired of that.
This brings something to mind about my updxh. He would regularly lose his s*** on the kids for a real or perceived offense. There were no misdemeanor crimes, only felony offenses.
If there was not evidence to make a case against a child (or me), then he would fabricate one. He would escalate the situation until we were in a state of utter chaos.
Ex:
Saturday chores. Child (usually SG) is asked to sort minutia in junk drawer. Not done to dads standards, so child is criticized. Child defends and explains why they are doing the task in a particular way. Dad accuses child of "lying" and trying to "slack on the job", then escalates saying child is just "wasting time", yells some more. Child complies and tries to hurry but drops something, is then accused of being "careless". Child apologizes, defends himself but the barrage continues and criticized for "making excuses". Child starts to cry or push back. Child is accused of being "disrespectful" and punishment is handed down. I step in to diffuse the situation and the eye of Sauron lands on me. He towers over me shouting. Other 3 kids get involved. Everyone is crying. If I comforted crying children, I was accused of turning them against him. He calls a family meeting and demands we admit what we did wrong.
:stars:
I share this to say that after being out of the chaos for 5 years, the silence is golden. I never imagined how deep I was in it until I was looking back. I am fiercely protective of the peace I have in my life now.