Introduction and my experience

[stardawn192]

Hi everyone. I am a F from the US in her late 20s and I am just getting out of a "relationship" with a borderline so I'm happy to see there is a community of supportive individuals that have had similar experiences. I say "relationship" because they never wanted to officially have a title or be exclusive, they wanted to talk/see other people while having a sense of companionship with me, but getting angry/jealous at just the thought of me being with someone else.

The relationship lasted only two/three months (thankfully), and in that time, I lost 20 pounds from anxiety and stress. (I didn't know they were BPD until AFTER I left) They did the hot and cold/Idolization and devaluation DAILY and I started going crazy. I wasn't sleeping, I was staying up late to research our conversations and try to understand what was happening. One moment, they would want me to come over and say they missed me, and the next they would say "well we're not officially together so...don't be so clingy." Anytime I tried to talk about possibly making the relationship more exclusive, they would argue with me, tell me not to rush them and tell me their next real relationship had to be with "THE ONE." This made me feel unworthy of their affection, made me feel ugly and boring. They started talking to other people, texting them while they were physically with me. One time I was taking care of them (they were "sick" which was the third time that month) and they were texting the person right in front of me.

Nights consisted of coming home from work (after texting them ALL DAY while at work) and laying in bed ONLY texting them. If I did anything else, they would ask what I was doing since I wasn't responding right away and then be passive aggressive about it, so I just stopped doing anything I liked because I didn't want them mad at me. I finally left after they had a huge outburst at me and made me feel very unwanted after I had a bad day. I was DRAINED, my face was gaunt and I looked like a zombie. I got into therapy after the fact and after a few sessions, my therapist (who specializes in BPD) told me that she unofficially (since she hasn't officially talked with her) would diagnose her with BPD. After reading "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me," I can say MANY of those chapters were my life, in just the span of two/three months and it's TERRIFYING.

Even after telling them I loved them but couldn't be with them (I did have a slip up at one point and was talked into doing things with them and thought that maybe we could be together), I tried remaining friends with them. However, after being replaced quickly (not even a month later), they tried parading their new "friend" around our mutual friends and I just WAS NOT having it. I have since gone no contact and I'm 4 weeks in. The first few weeks were rough. I realized they had a REALLY strong hold on me, I felt guilty and shame and like I had done something wrong just cutting them off. But I now realize I need to protect the most important thing in my life: MYSELF.

[Starboard Song]

You are doing everything right: congratulations.

Your narrative is clear and direct. You plainly know right from wrong and can tell that the behavior you witnessed was crazy-making. You discovered quickly that there is often a conflict between what we desire and what is good for us, and you have chosen what is good for you. And you know that means big things: real NC, for one, seems like a smart option.

And now you've joined this community of people who get it. You've even shared your story.

I think you are going to do great. That doesn't mean this is easy, or that it doesn't leave a scar. But it doesn't have to make you weaker. Again, thanks so much for sharing. Please be ever so proud of how much you've accomplished.

[coyote]

Stardawn,
Just wanted to add my welcome. If you haven't yet I'd encourage you to check out the Toolbox. It is full of tools and information to help you understand the PD behavior. Seems you are already well educated in this subject but just letting you know it is there. The Boards are a great place for support and feedback. Once again welcome. I'm sorry you need us but glad you found us.

[stardawn192]

You are doing everything right: congratulations.

Your narrative is clear and direct. You plainly know right from wrong and can tell that the behavior you witnessed was crazy-making. You discovered quickly that there is often a conflict between what we desire and what is good for us, and you have chosen what is good for you. And you know that means big things: real NC, for one, seems like a smart option.

And now you've joined this community of people who get it. You've even shared your story.

I think you are going to do great. That doesn't mean this is easy, or that it doesn't leave a scar. But it doesn't have to make you weaker. Again, thanks so much for sharing. Please be ever so proud of how much you've accomplished.

Thank you for this. It almost made me cry. There are days I don't think much about them, or if I do, it's more the general feeling of anger or feeling bad for them simply because I know they won't change. I have been doing a lot of research, "answering" as many questions as I can so I don't feel so stupid.

I will say I have not gone COMPLETE NC because we are still in a large facebook group together (and I can see their posts and they can see mine, we don't respond on eachothers stuff) and I am still in contact with our mutual friends (all are very understanding of the situation. We all met at the same time and they saw me before, during, and after everything. One of them was the one that said I need to break contact to let myself heal because even trying to hold onto a friendship was going to kill me.) I'm thinking of breaking this though, at least the FB group bit. I saw one of their posts today and it was a little hit to the gut. They'll never change, and I keep telling myself that. I need to close that door and lock it tight. I really do love them, but, I can't fix them. Somedays that is easy to accept, others, not so much.

Stardawn,
Just wanted to add my welcome. If you haven't yet I'd encourage you to check out the Toolbox. It is full of tools and information to help you understand the PD behavior. Seems you are already well educated in this subject but just letting you know it is there. The Boards are a great place for support and feedback. Once again welcome. I'm sorry you need us but glad you found us.

Thank you, I've browsed through it a little and they're very helpful. Lately, I've been going back and forth between the type of abuse I experienced (there is more to it, more details, but I didn't want me first post to be a long book) and have even started reading stuff on NPD. I'm happy to know that this support exists though, I have a feeling it'll be good for those bad days I mentioned above replying to Starboard.

[shack.3]

You are doing all the right things love and you are definitely on the right track .keep going X