Manufactured Chaos

[Whiteheron]

Stbx does something that I've nicknamed "manufactured chaos" where he makes a proclamation or does something that creates a completely avoidable situation in which other people find themselves scrambling around trying to appease/solve/what have you, while he stands back and watches, every now and then throwing something else out there that creates even more chaos. It's maddening and makes me want to scream all sorts of bad things.

Having been separated for about two years, I thought I was done with this. I was wrong.

As some of you might know, stbx's visitation time has been severely limited due to his behavior with the kids last summer (for background: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=81237.msg704156#msg704156).

Current situation:
(This all happens over the last week and a half - it's a frenzy of phone calls/emails, etc.)
We have agreed to alternate school breaks. About a week and a half before break, stbx sent me a text telling me he will be taking the kids to a vacation spot that I take them to and did I have any recommendations on food/activities, etc. Needless to say, I did not respond. Instead, I alerted my L, since stbx isn't supposed to have the kids for any extended period of time. The way things have been worded, in order to increase his time with the kids, various professionals need to give the ok. These professionals work with the kids and are in agreement to give the green light when they feel the kids have recovered sufficiently to be able to handle any potential repeats of his bad behavior. stbx is more than aware of this and has signed a document (in it's seventh draft) stating this (among other things) in excruciating detail.

After I emailed my L about stbx's planned trip, I contacted one of the professionals. This professional was shocked that stbx would plan such a thing without receiving any approvals. This professional feels the extended time will be "too much too soon" for the kids to handle. This professional spoke to DS and found that stbx was putting the pressure on him to make a decision on whether to go or not, which was causing him great anxiety. DS was worried about being alone with stbx for an extended period of time. Not according to stbx...

The back and forth continued and my L contacted the GAL, who advised me to respond to stbx's text suggesting a limited visitation schedule over the school break. So I did. This, of course, resulted in a personal phone call from stbx's L to my L. stbx's L suggests that the kids want to go on this trip and spend extra time with stbx, because of course stbx told the kids all about this great trip and what they would be doing. My L mentions that one of the professionals recommends against stbx's plans, so stbx calls another professional to get an opinion (which should have been done prior to him scheduling the trip and telling the kids about it, which he knew). The second professional recommends against his plans as well. So now we have two professionals against this trip (the two professionals actually co-drafted a letter stating their positions). But of course, stbx has told his L that the kids are looking forward to this trip...so contacts the GAL again, who doesn't have the time to play phone tag with either of the professionals. stbx's L threatens to take this to the judge. My L essentially says 'bring it'.

In the meantime, stbx sends DD a text that is worded very nicely, but essentially says, "we can't go on the trip because of DS". (DD doesn't care, she's actually a bit relieved). It was a horrible text, I take a photo and send it to my L, who passes it on to the GAL and stbx's L (she was adamant that someone had to tell stbx he wasn't allowed to do things to the kids like this). My L is furious that stbx is 1) blaming this entire mess on DS and 2) involving the kids in a trip that he didn't get approval to take. I am not aware if GAL had any reaction. stbx's L's reaction was to say he saw nothing wrong with the text.  (in my head I'm referring to it as "perfect text", (aka phone call) - in the voice of Stephen Colbert from one of his parodies - I've got to find some humor in this or I will go mad!)

At the same time all of this is going on, GAL is stating that if the kids say they want to go with stbx, then they should go. The GAL actually stated that they could try more time, and if DS wants to come back home with me, it can be stated that stbx will not question/disagree with him (seriously??). The GAL then focuses on one professional in particular and states in an email that GAL believes it is unlikely when, or if, this professional will ever give approval for extended visits. I am beside myself. The GAL couldn't initially be bothered to contact either professional, both are saying it's not recommended, GAL is essentially overriding them and saying it should happen if the kids want it to (I actually thought I'd be writing a post that was titled "the PD won"). GAL contacts DS, asks him to call her, which he doesn't. GAL emails DS, who responds that he doesn't mind going with his dad. This directly contradicts what he had told one professional the day prior. I point this out to my L and let my L know that there is no way on this Earth DS will go against stbx with the GAL again, given what happened last time (see the above link). In DS's mind, the GAL cannot be trusted (as in stbx will find out and there will be hell to pay). GAL is exasperated and obviously doesn't have time for this. The GAL finally reaches out to the other professional and DD. DD ignores the GAL.

Next thing I know, stbx texts DD (while she's at school) telling her the GAL will be texting her shortly. The GAL then texts DD and says something like "Hey, I hear you're looking forward to going on a trip with your dad, give me a call tonight so we can discuss." I pick DD up from school and she's beside herself. She's in the car questioning why the GAL wrote this, because it didn't come from her. DD says she never said anything about looking froward to the trip. To anyone. DD asks me if I think the GAL made it up to get DD to call her. I told her that was unlikely. Then DD demanded to know if I thought it was her dad that said this to the GAL. I told her we couldn't know for certain. DD then proceeded to tell me that her dad has been pressuring her about visitation, and saying things to her like "I really miss you...don't you miss me too? don't you want to spend more time with me at my house..." I told DD that I was sorry her dad was putting pressure on her, that shouldn't be happening. I then told her that she should tell the GAL that this is going on. Of course, DD gets angry at me, because now she feels like I'm pressuring her to contact the GAL. I told her it was her decision to contact the GAL or not, and if she does contact the GAL, it's up to her what to say. I will support her either way.

I receive a text from stbx asking how I want to handle the break, I text again about the shorter visits. Silence. (and I'm extremely annoyed, because I can't set my work schedule/gym time until I know when he will have the kids).

DD wrestles with this decision for a few hours, before texting the GAL to say "I want to do what my brother is doing." The GAL immediately texts her back and asks her to call. DD goes up to her room and calls - tells the GAL about the text from her dad blaming DS, and that she never said that she was looking forward to the trip, as the GAL suggested earlier. Then she tells the GAL that her dad has been pressuring her to spend more time at his house and that she didn't like it. (DD told me all of this after the call).

Did I mention that this was the evening before break starts? L's are gone for the long weekend...it's all last minute scrambling and panic to get this all sorted, when it didn't have to be.

stbx texts me back three hours later telling me he's expecting the shorter (but more frequent) visits. I say nothing. I am completely done.

The kids were with stbx yesterday. DD comes back last night and tells me her dad is acting "off." She then tells me that stbx demanded to know exactly what she said to the GAL. DD becomes defiant (gotta love that teenage attitude!) and refuses to answer him. He continues to push her, and she continues to push back. I tell her that her dad isn't allowed to ask her about any of this and that she doesn't have to say a word to him about it (which she already knows).

DD then tells me that she overheard stbx talking to DS and telling him that "if you don't want to spend more time with me, then don't even bother." 

She then tells me that stbx was angry all day. Awesome. This is what happened last August. Kids spoke out against stbx, he was told through the GAL to the L's...then holds it in for as long as he can, then locks DS in a back room for almost two hours to yell at him and make him change his story. When I dropped DD off this morning, she said she hopes her dad is "better" today. 

I would assume stbx would be on his best behavior, showing he can handle more time with the kids, so he can work to get back to the previous arrangement...but it seems his mental illness/PDness/childhood trauma won't allow him to.

I want to know why, exactly, I had to go through all of this F*ing stress when stbx decided to unilaterally make a decision he wasn't allowed to make? Why wasn't it shut down right from the start? Why did I have to go through a week and a half of this fresh hell, worried that the kids would be too far away for me to come get them if they needed help...worried, stressed, in a panic because the clock was ticking and I wasn't hearing from anyone...gaaaah!
If you made it this far, thanks for reading. I needed to get it out of my head.

[sevenyears]

Regarding the chaos: 

To you: 

[Free2Bme]

Whiteheron,

Wow... what a nightmare.  Yet, this is typical manufactured chaos of PDx's.  I have gone through almost identical scenarios and it is the most mind bending, hellish sort of stress. Heck, I'm furious for you.  I would want to tell that GAL, "Ok, fine.  Then you will assume FULL responsibility for any harm mental, emotional, or otherwise that my children experience if they go on this trip".  It is so d**n easy for these "professionals" to all have an expensive expert opinions.  I am shocked that GAL would call/text your child at school. 

I have seen this tactic before.  Create a fire storm, involve lots of people, do it at the 11th hour, then try and run down the clock to increase the odds of things going their way. WTH is the agreement for if your xh can cook all this up and expect everyone to capitulate to his demands. 

  I am also sorry that I am venting about your situation and not offering anything constructive. I just get so infuriated when  they use the children for their agenda, it is so unfair to everyone involved.  Mostly, I am sorry your kids have to deal with this.

Kudos to your DD for braving up and speaking her mind.  I would definitely praise/reward her for this. 

Hopefully, you can decompress a bit from this round of conflict.  Sometimes my only solace is remembering, "it could be worse... we could still be under the same roof".   

[Whiteheron]

Thanks seven years and free2. It really helps to know others have to deal with similar behaviors.

I wanted to check in and report that things were better for the kids today with stbx. Hopefully this sticks and they have some nice visits with him over the break.

[Stepping lightly]

WH,

I feel so badly for you and your kids.  We expect this behavior from the PD, it's why we are all here in the first place.  However, the GAL apparently missed the day of  training where they covered  "not putting the kids in the middle of a bad situation with a hostile parent".   Just by saying it was up to the kids, she created a dangerous situation.  The kids are now forced, again, to go against their father in order to stand up for themselves.  I'm so frustrated for you because I am so tired of professionals getting paid to put our children in the middle of an untenable situation because they just don't have time (or the ability to stand up to the PD) to do the right thing.  The rules were made for the professionals to agree on whether STBX would have visitation so that the kids weren't put in the position of having to say no themselves.  The professionals were supposed to take the heat, not the kids. 

Sounds like DD is doing a great job standing up for herself, which is awesome and scary at the same time.  After what happened to DS, he shouldn't have to keep going through this process. 

They are so lucky to  have you!

[SteelMe]

I couldn't really follow your post but I get that the chaos overwhelms.

Speaking of professionals, having to pay people to care about my situation with familial BPD & NPD really bothered me. It would be great to know some one,  anyone who cared enough to help on the natch.

Our neighbors and relatives never wanted to get involved. Regarding GC NPDBro's behavior I would hear, "What, and have him do to me what he did to you?"

Thank God we help each other on here.
Sounds like you're making progress for the kids. Keep going !

[Whiteheron]

steelme - I know, I tried my best to make it easy to follow, but I wanted to be sufficiently vague (just in case stbx might happen to be stalking the site), but didn't want to leave out anything major. There was a little more going on that I didn't mention, and it was all happening simultaneously and it was just insanity. I also hate making long posts. This was definitely the longest I've written.

I hate how people see what's happening, but refuse to get involved. Looking back, there were several people along the way who knew something was off and made an offhand comment to stbx (which he wore as a badge of pride), or would just shake their heads and walk away. My in-laws knew what was going on and would tell me "at least he isn't going to the bar after work" 
My mom told me (after I told her I was leaving him) that she made it her stance to not interfere in any of our relationships  even though she saw red flags with me and the kids... (*thanks mom*  )
No one wanted to step in and deal with him.

Stepping- would you believe it was the very same GAL who put a stop to his overnights? Told me not to sign the agreement? That's why I assumed she was just too tired/stressed/busy to deal with him last week, so I should just let the kids go so she didn't have to deal with him.

That was the entire point of getting the GAL involved- so the kids wouldn't have to make the decision and potentially face his wrath. Guess that backfired.


***
DD reports that stbx is now pestering her to know why she won't stay with him for longer periods of time - she said he was like a toddler repeatedly asking her the same question over and over again, refusing to take her "stop asking me" as an answer.

stbx then tells her, in front of DS, that they might take an out of state trip, just the two of them. DD is horrified. It seems he's written off his son. He will never realize that his behaviors are the problem, not DS.

[Stepping lightly]

WH,

At this point they should see this as terrorizing the kids, how scary for DD to worry about having to go...out of state...alone.  I am so sorry for you all.  We were completely failed by the professionals, they couldn't handle BM, and it  makes me so sad to see others experiencing the same thing.

Seems like for now it's at least stopped?

[Free2Bme]

I have carried a lot of guilt for the last 4 years because I did not have a GAL for my kids.  I have felt like the worst mother for not having the presence of mind and courage (like many of you have had) to advocate more for them.  I have no excuse but that I was experiencing paralyzing fear during this time.  I should have insisted my attorney bring one on, called the police on him (many times), and should have exposed him instead of grey rocking my way through the divorce.  The result is that my kids (and I) have endured so much, I feel like a failure, and he skates by without consequences.

My divorce was handled out of the courtroom between L's,and other 'neutral professionals' ie., a CPA, child psych, and another counselor of some sort.  They were useless, it was a joke and ultimately they were just there to get a piece of the $ action, under the pretense of 'mediating the process'. The child psych heard children's testimonies and even witnessed my updhx abusing the children on several occasions with his own eyes in his office, and he still gave the nod for my ex to get not only the standard visitation, but expanded visitation

I agreed to most everything just to push through to the finish line.  It took almost 3 years.  I guess I chose this route because I had little faith in the family court system, especially going in there with PDxh.  Now, I would be reluctant to trust any legal professional.

I try not to dwell on this because it's totally unproductive, I need all my energy for the present.  I'd be lying to say it doesn't still bother me though.

Sorry for hijacking, just needed to say it.

[Whiteheron]

You know what, Free2B? You did the best you could given the circumstances you were in at the time. I try to tell myself this when the kids are having trauma-related problems and I beat myself up for not leaving five years earlier.

In my case the GAL was completely useless until last August. She knew what was going on, but could do nothing about it...until stbx's behavior was so bad that she had no choice but to speak to the judge. That was the one time in three years she actually did something that helped. It felt like everyone (including stbx's L), could see what was going on, but they were too busy chasing $$ and with "other cases" to do anything about it. Or I would hear the line "this is what the courts like..."

Thankfully, we are close to being done with this...but I know his behaviors won't stop.

Stepping - DD reports back that it hasn't stopped. DS is in survival mode this week during visitations with stbx - which means teaming up with stbx to go against DD. To top it off, DD is still being asked repeatedly why she won't stay longer with stbx. Every day. Thankfully she has T tomorrow. Only a few more days to go, then they're back with me and the regular routine.

[athene1399]

How horrible, WH. The system is broken. I cannot believe that stbx can go against the current agreement (has to get the okay from professionals), and the GAL is totally cool with him not listening to the current rules. I'm not surprised by stbx's behavior, I'm surprised by the GAL's. Especially after everything that the kids went through over the summer. Seriously, WTF? I would be beyond pissed. Especially ow the GAL texted "I hear you're excited for the trip". Shouldn't she have asked "how do you feel about this trip?" and let DD answer openly instead of possibly feeling the pressure to agree.

I hope things get better for them soon. How are you holding up?

[Whiteheron]

Thanks athene. Every time I think I've got a handle on things...

DD has been feeling really sick the last few days. I assumed she was coming down with a stomach bug, since there's so much going around up here. She does have some food issues (not allergy) that can cause some problems for her, but she assured me she hasn't been eating any of that kind of food. Then, this morning, she was talking with DS and he told her that her dad had been putting this 'ingredient' in the meals he's been cooking for the kids...without letting DD know so she can take the proper precautions! And yes, stbx is very much aware of DD's food issues. It's nothing new.

No wonder she's feeling nauseous! It's nothing that will cause damage, but my poor little girl has been so sick! Part of me wonders if he's done this as a type of revenge for her not telling him what she spoke to the GAL about and for not wanting to spend more time with him...is he that petty?

[hhaw]

Wow, WH.

Just....
wow.

I got every word you said.  I understand. 

Your DD is strong.  I'm so proud of her for standing up for herself.

Hopefully this chaotic episode pits the experts against the pd so the GAL looks incompetent and negligent.

I wonder if you can file a complaint with the Barr Association.  I wonder also if it would help or backfire. 

You're a good mother. 

[athene1399]

I'm sure DD's stress isn't helping her stomach on top of this "ingredient" stbx has been adding to her food. How awful. My parents would do stuff like that to me with food. It really sucks. DD and DS are lucky to have you!

[cant turn back]

Your DD is so strong.  So much so that I wonder how much longer she is going to play along.  I think at some point soon, something is going to tip the scales and she will straight up refuse to see her dad, she'll tell the GAL and anybody who will listen precisely how she feels.
That's my hope for her anyway.
My heart is breaking for your DS. 
The GAL needs to be reassigned, like do they have no education or experience with PD issues? Custody? Manipulation? Parental alienation?  What is the point of have the two professionals give their opinion if the GAL disregards it?

[Free2Bme]

 

My DD14 said "no more" after last summer visitation.  But, DS17 is suffering the consequences of capitulating to updxh and moving 6 hours away to live with F. 

I can't remember if you've mentioned having a family T (?),  but that may be another line of defense for you and children. 

I read "Safe People" by Cloud and Townsend with my DD.  It helped her to know how to discern healthy and unhealthy people in general. 

Affirm DD, encourage DS..... replenish yourself when you can.  So sorry for all of you