My dear, sweet father has passsed away: My anger at my FIL is through the roof

[Starboard Song]

This is a reaction I didn't expect.

My parents are two of the finest people to have walked the earth. My in-laws? We have been NC with them since not long after a crisis over seven years ago. They are really out of our lives, for the most part, and we've had no direct contact with them in over five years.

My father became bedridden in February and died in late March. He was a great and decent man. My mom hurt her back caring for him in his final days and needed spinal surgery. She's going to do OK for a while, I think.

But there's this weird side effect. I am FURIOUS at my in-laws. They are out there, being healthy and financially independent, while my dear mom grieves the loss of her husband and has fewer resources than I'd like. My daughter has just the one grandparent now, while these two people live on in their fantasy world. We have lost any minor version of a father figure, while he plays his online games and writes letters to the editor as a pastime.

I am ruminating more than I have in a long time. More than before I feel the reality of what they stole from us by being the damaged people they are. I am not alone. My BIL said he felt the same way, on our behalf. And my DW and DD both had similar thoughts. I just want to break NC and ARGUE WITH THEM. Boy, I could argue the daylights out of them. But I won't. I really won't. I just hate it.

Sending everyone healing thoughts.

[Cat of the Canals]

I'm sorry for your loss, Starboard. I think I understand your anger. I felt similar feelings toward my MIL when my husband's brother died. I still do, actually.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I think I understand as well. Anger is so close to grief. It seems so unfair that the grandparent who will be missed died and the rest of the family who loved them is suffering, while the ones who brought you primarily suffering seem to be just hunky-dory. The loss of your father does highlight that loss you've already had on your IL side. It touches some adjacent wounds. I'm very sorry, Starboard.

[notrightinthehead]

My heartfelt sympathy for the loss of your father. I am sorry you are in so much pain. There is no preparation for that kind of pain and it hits hard. Seems you are in the anger stage of grief. Feel it. Express it on paper, in nature, wherever it is safe to do so, but do not act on it. Remind yourself that the anger phase makes the pain bearable. It still allows you not to feel the loss in its true extent. It prepares you for the time when you fully  accept what has happened. I trust you will not get stuck in the fury. It will vanish when the sadness hits you like a ton of bricks. You might swing back and forth for a while. All of this pain is a sign of the love felt for your father. Sending you patience and strength.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm sorry for your loss.

[Starboard Song]

Don't let the narcs get you down!

Oh, but I am doing exactly that!

[SonofThunder]

So very sorry for your loss of your father, Starboard.  Thoughts and prayers to you and your family.

SoT

[moglow]

There are no words, Starboard, only that i'm so very sorry for your loss. It actually makes sense to me that the fury rears its head now, given all you've been through. The finality and depth of loss while those who had selfsame opportunities with your family continue blithely on, unabated and unmoved.

I wish I had words of comfort for you, feel frustrated that I can't find them. Maybe that's the the root of your anger too - frustration at their complete inability to see what they threw away. Hold your family tight and relish the life y'all have built together, the kinf people you've become in spite of it all. Celebrate the goodness within and help it flourish. 💜

[NotFooledAnymore]

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. Honestly, it's heart wrenching to lose a father you love so much. I was in your shoes almost 7 years ago now, but it sometimes feels like yesterday still. Those angry feelings towards the in-laws will come in waves, sometimes so strong that the urge to argue with them is hard to resist. The good news about waves is that they eventually pass. Those feelings will come again but eventually that urge will lessen bit by bit.

Arguing with them might feel good for a brief moment but it will only make the sadness hurt worse and for longer than necessary (been there, made that mistake and still living with the fallout of fighting with disordered in-laws at my dad's burial).

I hope that you can find comfort and peace in the positive relationships in your life. They will be the ones that help you heal.

[SunnyMeadow]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I understand the anger you're feeling.

Healing thoughts for you Starboard Song.

[bloomie]

Starboard Song - adding my own condolences to you and your family at the loss of a wonderful father.

The most outstanding thing I could see about it all is this:

My parents are two of the finest people to have walked the earth.

Celebrating this with you!  And I can clearly see how the apple didn't fall far from the tree between your parents and you!

At the same time I understand how stark and painful this makes the contrast between your dearest parents and your in laws.

[JenniferSmith]

I'm very sorry for your loss.

[Starboard Song]

Thanks to you all.

[Sneezy]

Starboard Song - I am so sorry for your loss.  Sending you hugs in your time of grief.