Approval

[Pepin]

Lately I have been doing a lot of self inquiry in an attempt to better understand why I let PDmil trigger me so much.  DH has said those dreaded things about her many times and to date I have refused to believe him:

That's the way she is
That's what she likes
She doesn't know any better

The first two are absolutely true and she does not question herself.

Does she know better?  Nope.  She really does not.  Unless she did some self inquiry or someone pointed something out to her, she won't change.  What bothers me is that I have had to change for HER.  We all have had to change for HER...while she gets to be the same person that she has always been.  Honestly, I can thank her for making me change because it has made me a better person.  While I am sad that she cannot change, it is not my business.  It is hers alone.

What gets my undies in bunch though is how DH sticks up for her.  He always has some kind of backstory to support her weaknesses.  And he presents them sometimes in a way that kind of leaves nothing to be said against it, which means that she is the way that she is and we just have to accept it.  We cannot change anyone. 

Approval though....is the part of knowing PDmil that really does not sit right with me the most.  From the time I met her 20+ years ago, she has gone out of her way literally 1000s of times to seek approval.  She does it with DH, she does it with me, she does it with her other children, FIL (when he was alive), other family members, etc.  I really cannot think of an instance where she has done something for herself.  It is here where I am confused.  Her life goal is to get validation. 

When I first got to know DH's family, I let her do what she wanted when she wanted.  But then I realized that she was pushing my boundaries.  She wanted to take care of me when I was a new Mother and I let her.  I told her when I wanted more soup and she made it.  But for whatever reason, if I didn't say anything, she kept making soup.  Soup turned into homemade food and homemade food turned into store bought food....or food grown in the garden....whatever it was, she always showed up to our home with food.  The point for visiting our home was exactly that: to visit.  For DH and I that meant hanging out and chatting or playing with our kids.  Sometimes we had her and FIL over for dinner because we wanted to -- and PDmil was adamant about bringing food.  We wanted to thank her and reciprocate but instead, her bringing food was a need for approval before we could serve our own.  Food is just one example but every single visit was about PDmil.  It was never about DH, I or our kids.  Ever.  Only her. 

Seems that most grandparents would want to see their grandkids right away at their visit?  Not PDmil.  She needed DH first to go through her mail and answer her questions or to make phone calls for things on her behalf before interacting with our kids.  Our kids were not eager to greet her at the door after they caught on...they didn't understand why their grandma always needed DH so much.

Among other things over the years, PDmil has often seeked approval from others and DH by asking for advice - and I cannot understand how she has made it this far.  She does not subscribe to trial and error or figuring stuff out on her own.  It is like she is not human in a sense....it is a very robotic behavior.  Her truly not knowing how to be is exactly who she is.

I have found her approval seeking behavior to be exhausting.  Sometimes her being quiet is also her way of seeking approval -- and she does this when DH has had enough of her.

Yet even though this is the way that she is, no one calls her out on it.  No one.  We all silently seethe.  Or we laugh it off....as her sister and DH's brother have said: she doesn't care and she is lazy.  Two very true statements.  But, she does care.  She cares enough to keep seeking approval through her learned helplessness.  Rather than inwardly deal with the emotions of her sister losing her husband (after PDmil lost FIL) she blurted out that it felt the same all over again.  Who says that?  She wanted to be validated for losing her own husband after he was gone by using her sister's husband dying?     It is none of her business....but she wants it to be her business because she needs that validation.

Her life evolves around being in the business of others.  She cried when her daughter broke her leg rather than providing support and comfort.  She used DH's sister's broken leg as a way to garner validation.  For what?  Who knows.  But she made it about herself by crying.  DH's sister was not crying.

Last year at my niece's high school graduation, PDmil was silent.  Not a word.  She ate her lunch without a word.  Remained quiet through present opening and then left without saying good bye.  It seemed that she was giving all the attention to the niece (her granddaughter) but instead, she was taking it away.  The party wasn't about the graduation or the niece; it was about PDmil being quiet, not being celebratory or even uttering the simple word: congratulations.    . This has been a consistent pattern with PDmil.  She doesn't want to share anything with anyone unless it is about her.

PDs just cannot be.  No sense of self.  Hollow at the core.  Imposters.  No substance other than self absorption.  And it is amazing that many don't see this; only those that the PDs have something against can really see what is going on.

And yes, I know it drives PDmil crazy that I refuse to give her approval anymore.  She taught me to approve of myself.  Thanks, PDmil. 

 

[athene1399]

I'm going to try to address a couple different things, so hopefully I organize it in a way that makes sense.

1) the triggering behavior
I totally understand the triggering behavior. I work with someone who needs a constant pat on the back for everything. She announces every spreadsheet she opens. Some days I want to scream "Good for you!".  Everything she does or says is so that she can bait someone to say, "good job!" Sounds like your MIL does the same thing.

I know someone else who drives me crazy because she uses her trauma as an excuse for her actions and for a way to get pity. Drives me nuts because I've been through similar things and don't use it as an excuse to act like an attention-seeking jackass. And every little thing goes back to her: "My daughter is doing x. I did x at her age". As i said earlier, "good for you!". It is similar to what you said with MIL, every little thing goes back to her. How it affects her, how she was the same/different, give me attention because of x. Don't look at them, look at me. it affects me too. 

I have no advice on this as I am working on it as well (as I'm sure you can tell lol). In the case of my coworker, I get up and take a break. I go in the bathroom, breath deeply and practice mindfulness. With the other person, I try to avoid the situations where I know she may say these things (like on social media). If I can't, I vent about it then let it go (or try to). it's more the repetition and frequencies of these behaviors that make it difficult. It wears you down. It's not just one little statement or action, it's a constant flow of attention-seeking, "please say you feel bad for me" or "say you're proud of me". I would love to see how other handle this. 

2) boundaries vs excusing behavior
While it is true that you cannot change MIL, boundaries will help to keep you sane. Just because MIL refuses to change or acknowledge the role she plays, doesn't give her the right to do whatever the heck she wants. She will push back like a tantruming child, but in the long run boundaries should be helpful for you. Boundaries help me to shift my thinking to "this is what I am comfortable with, if you don't react well to my boundaries then that is on you." Then I mentally wash my hands of the situation.

DH may throw a wrench in the boundaries if you two are not on the same page, but you have to accept that you cannot control him either. You can look up radical acceptance, too. I've been working on that a lot. You can only control so much, there will be people that drive you crazy, accept the emotions as they happens, process and let it go. Easier said than done, but practice helps!