Are they generous after death

[Msdatsun]

I've looked for this topic but haven't found one.  As my DH is starting to recognize that he has been and still is abused by his father, the same conversation comes up again and again. He has often said that sometimes he takes the abuse because of the inheritance he will receive....that he deserves something for all the abuse he has taken. My PDFIL uses money and his will to bribe/blackmail/manipulate his children and grandchildren. Thing is no one has any idea what he has or if he has anything. No one has seen this will or anything, to show he has any money at all...only what he tells them and an excel sheet a 4th grader could make. I don't think it's in a PD nature to abuse and manipulate his children and then when he dies "reward" his children with what they think are "millions".  Does anyone have any experience with this?

[Poison Ivy]

Yes, some people base their estate planning decisions (e.g., how much money or property they leave for family, friends, or organizations) on how they were treated by the family, friends, or organizations during their lifetime. But many people say they will and then don't. Submitting to abuse because of a "promised" or expected inheritance is, IMO, a terrible idea.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hmmm. Well, the title of your post in interesting to me. Is it really being generous when he's dead? What would your DH really want from his father? My bet is not money, but rather love, affection, respect, all the things his father has withheld from him and is truly his rightful inheritance, simply by being his son. Being given the booby prize of whatever dad left behind may be something, but it sounds like it would come with a big dose of bitterness to my mind. It also very well may be nothing. I think that would typify the parent-child relationship many of us have had... Always to hope for the parent to step up, for approval, all that is a parent's duty and role to give, but to forever be disappointed.

The fact that your FIL does not in fact demonstrate financial savvy, and that he currently uses the promise of "millions" to manipulate his children raises my eyebrow. You ask for people who have experience with this: Yes. My own mother had a narcissistic mother. My mother was an only child, and my own parents counted on grandma for financial assistance from time to time, yes yes everything I have is yours... But... Grandma would often renege on those promises of help. I was mostly a kid but even then I was aware that money was a carrot she would use to control, just like my dad. When her father died and grandma needed to sell the house, etc., she tied up every last one of her assets into a very fancy senior living place. When she died, the money was completely gone. My mother got nothing. My greedy father would often suck up to MIL to get money... didn't work out in the end.

My other grandparents were just selfish hoarders who had tons of random crap stuffed in boxes nobody was allowed to touch. Gramps would go on about how he had valuable coin collections and collectible dolls and whatever else he bought from the auction in the boxes and it would be worth a lot of money when he was gone. Even to us kids, in the hopes of getting us to dance attendance on him, without making any effort to engage with us otherwise. Kids don't care about boxes of toys they aren't allowed to play with. Once I asked him, "So should I hope you die then so I can play with the dolls?"  I was NC by the time both of them died and it was finally time to address the hoard, but I know the tactic worked on my aunt. She gave away years of her life IMO to get her hands on the "valuable" inheritance. I hope it was worth it to her, but knowing her father blew money all the time on stuff he didn't even know what it was, and seeing the people they both were... I have my doubts.

The thing is abuse does lasting damage. What would your DH have to inherit to make it worth his while? How much time and money in therapy and lost from spending his time and energy on his dad to break even? What more could he have accomplished professionally and personally in his life if his brain space was not occupied by his abusive FOO? These questions might be impossible to answer, but certainly food for thought.

[square]

"Sunk cost fallacy" might be worth looking at.

[escapingman]

My MIL uses money to control my uNDPw all the time, and I am always told I am ungrateful when I am not falling in line being grateful for any gifts. If we get money that money is always "her money" and she decides what we are supposed to do with it. When we moved into our current house she told us she will give us money for a freezer, so we looked at freezers and bought a nice grey free standing freezer. She kicked off and told us she expected us to buy the the cheapest white freezer and then she and my wife were on non speaking terms for some time. Another time (after she got her hands on all inheritance from my wife's grandmother) she gave some of the "stolen" money to my wife and we were supposed to be ever grateful for her generosity. This money is and always will be "The money from MIL", I can put in 5 times the money she gave us into the bank account but the money that makes the difference is still "The money from MIL". I am not sure what kind of diagnosis she would have, or if it is severe fleas from living with a serial NPD for most of her life. I don't really care but we almost only see her for Christmas and Birthdays when she can "bribe" people with her gifts.

Sorry for going a bit off track here but I think it is kind of the same thing as the will thing. All about control.

[Cat of the Canals]

I'm with Cordelia... I very much doubt the existence of all this money. But even if it does exist, what I see happen a lot more often with PDs and wills is not generosity, but pettiness, manipulation, and punishment. It seems much more common for people to report that they were written out of the will or given almost nothing in comparison to their siblings and other family members because of some perceived slight. If your husband is considered the scapegoat of the family, I wouldn't expect generosity of any kind.

[Pepin]

He has often said that sometimes he takes the abuse because of the inheritance he will receive....that he deserves something for all the abuse he has taken.

This is 100% what I expect is going on with my DH except that he hasn't said any of this directly to me.

My husband grew up poor and being poor is a trauma.  While DH is the executor and has a copy of DPD MIL's will, he knows exactly what he will be getting.  That being said, IMO it isn't really a lot.  But I am certain that he thinks it is better than nothing and absolutely wants his share.  After all, even though he is the GC, he was the most heavily parentified of all his siblings.  That comes at a cost to him.  Unfortunately, rather than coming clean and shoring up some boundaries with DPD MIL, he pushes his unresolved trauma onto the kids and I...mostly me because I also had a traumatic past - and maybe he thinks that since I walked away intact that I can handle what he sends my way in order for him to appease his mother for what she has done to him.  He recognizes that I was a SG and keeps trying to hold me there...all so he can inherit a little bit more.  He already does well for himself.  What he will inherit won't make a difference for us really.  But again, being raised poor is a trauma and he's not done enough to address that.

[Jolie40]

how PD parent treats you in life is how you'll be treated in will, at least for me as I'm SG

PD house sold in past yr by sibling in charge; they distributed items listed in will from house even though PD parent still living

PD parent once asked me which collectibles I liked but it was just another reminder that I'm SG
when I said "like this one" response was "that goes to GC sibling" , so said second choice "that goes to sibling #2" and so on

there was also a collection of stamps
they refused to give me one I asked for as teen/said they put it in safe deposit box but said I would get it

did I get any stamps as the ONLY stamp collector in family....no
they went to favorite grandchild! did I get the valuable one promised me...no

not getting that 1 stamp hurt my feelings, not because it was valuable but because it was promised to me

[moglow]

I think "generous" is all relative - my mother expected to be included in her well-off older sibling's will years ago, never mind that sister had four daughters and several grandchildren she intended to provide for. It was an expectation, based on mother's subservience and kowtowing to said sister. Mother honestly felt she was owed. As for mother, she's mentioned several times the past several years that she'll "just set XYZ up as executor, see how you like THAT!" Um executor doesn't necessarily inherit, and I'm not money/property hungry enough to put up with your crap regardless. Mother has these "collections" she's concerned about, wants to see that they go to the right people. Okay - make a will, put it in writing, we'll take care of it. No, she just wants argument, some tussle over what I suspect is a lot of mass produced junk of no real or sentimental value to anyone anywhere. But you go ahead and argue the point. 

Where I'm going with this - we get to decide what's "enough" or whether we really want random inheritance based on how far we bent over to be abused for decades. Seriously. It's like having an unwritten contract to perform a particular job and ignoring the fact that the employer can at any time change the terms. Or employer can fire you without cause or notice and there you are. Being bought and paid for isn't always worth the price of admission, and it's up to each of us to decide.

[Boat Babe]

I have read numerous stories here about appalling behaviour from our elderly PDs right up to the moment of death, and then beyond through knowingly and maliciously cutting their adult child out of their will. This adult child was usually the SG in the family. Yeah, financial abuse as the last, and lasting, insult.

I am embarrassed to admit it but one of the reasons, thankfully not the main one, for keeping contact with mum through some really terrible years was the thought of my inheritance. Really not much but a small apartment in a capital city and thus a measure of security for me. But it was a factor. These days she's old and her fire has gone out and I am waaaaaaay less reactive round her and it's mostly ok. And I bought my own place anyway 😁

That's something I never told anyone!

[1footouttadefog]

My H had a pd.  He came from a family wit lots of them.  His Uncle was a pd and used his assets as a tool to manipulate.  Amazingly my od could see the abuse and refused to play the kiss up game.  The cousins would try to calm him towards tolerating more of the abuse as they did not want the old uncle to meke any changes that would impact them, Like giving his assets to charity etc.

I saw another family where everyone kissed up to a wealthy man, then his wife had will changed on the man's deathbed.    It got real messy