I think I can

[Roza]

I feel that I may be on my way to accepting that my mom was a narc and I will never get to know why she never loved me. She died last year and now my sisters ganged up against me. Telling me that I need to grow up. I was the oldest and the SG. I the one who did everything to help my parents bcz they didn't speak English.  I have been the adult for so long. I thought I was doing fine until my sisters told me that I needed to grow up. I was living my life the way I wanted.  I was going to concerts and festivals and just having fun.  They gang up against me and they said I have been standoffish. I was living my life. Having fun that I never had as a kid. I was not available to them to use as a doormat anymore.  They were just as bad as our narc mother. I was feeling quite nice but they brought me back down. Now I heat my daughter saying things I know my o e sister said, I guess gas lighting is the term, I tried to raise my kids differently than I was raised.  My daughter is an adult and I can't tell her to stay away from her aunts. She is so sensitive and they don't care if they hurt her so that I get hurt. I want to get better.  I want to be happy, I deserve that much. I know the road will be hard to recover.  I am worth it.

[Groundhog Day]

Roza, I hear you and understand what you feel. I beleive that sibblings have a different view, perspective of how things happened in the household as children. When we grow older, we discuss amoungst sibblings about our upbringing. You see, as for my brothers, they never realized that we "girls" were felt as unimportant as the "boys" and treated differenly. Maybe it was a fact that we never voiced our opinions, and never acted up on it and we just accepted the facts.

One sibbling might feel unwanted, SG, as the other might feel indiferrence and unloved or close relationship with parents.  But whatever the outcome, we need to keep in mind that we perceived things differently from one sibbling to an other. Maybe having an adult conversation with your sisters would help. Put away your differences and discuss with your sisters what you felt growing up. Maybe they felt that once you left and then all the burden was left to them.

As to raising your children differently from what you grew up. Yes, we all do that and I do hope my children does the same as well. I am not perfect, and if there is something they want to change from the way they were raised, I'm all for that. 

[StayWithMe]

What exactly do your sisters want you to do right now?

[Roza]

Staywithme, they want me to grow up. I am their problem.  I have no ideas as to how or why. I closed my momthers estate and the mom bank is closed. Maybe that is a problem,  bcz they were always going to mom for money. Its over and done. I am in therapy as I want to rid myself of these horrible feelings from my childhood. I was parentified and SG. My parents didn't speak English, only Polish and I was the oldest. I was the one who took care of so much at too early an age. I never got to be a kid. Trying to fix that now.

[PeanutButter]

I feel that I may be on my way to accepting that my mom was a narc and I will never get to know why she never loved me. She died last year and now my sisters ganged up against me. Telling me that I need to grow up. I was the oldest and the SG. I the one who did everything to help my parents bcz they didn't speak English.  I have been the adult for so long. I thought I was doing fine until my sisters told me that I needed to grow up. I was living my life the way I wanted.  I was going to concerts and festivals and just having fun.  They gang up against me and they said I have been standoffish. I was living my life. Having fun that I never had as a kid. I was not available to them to use as a doormat anymore.  They were just as bad as our narc mother. I was feeling quite nice but they brought me back down. Now I heat my daughter saying things I know my o e sister said, I guess gas lighting is the term, I tried to raise my kids differently than I was raised.  My daughter is an adult and I can't tell her to stay away from her aunts. She is so sensitive and they don't care if they hurt her so that I get hurt. I want to get better.  I want to be happy, I deserve that much. I know the road will be hard to recover.  I am worth it.

I think you can too roza. And you ABSOLUTELY are on your way imo. Acceptance is a healthy place for us recovering SGs.
My ubpdM didnt love me. I dont think she is capable of love. I wont ever know why she pickedme as her scapegoat though.
IME if your sisters continue to invalidate & gaslight you in this way, then its probably best if you detach emotionally from them to protect yourself. Try to not care what they think of you since you know that the accusations they make are not true. You go on doing the things that make you happy! If sisters say "i dont like you this way roza" you can reply to them "im sorry you feel that way, because I am happy for the first time since M passed"
Im sorry they are trying to get to you through your daughter. Thats got to be so hard to deal with.
I have this quote i say to myself during especially painful times: 'this too shall pass'. It reminds me that all things are temporary.

[Roza]

PeanutButter thank you so much for your kind words and advice. I know it's not fair to my daughter for them to use her that way but she is young maybe she will see eventually. I do not understand why I was the chosen scapegoat. It is the hardest role to play also being a parentified child didn't help either. Since my parents didn't speak English, I had to become the adult at too early an age to handle many things that adults should be doing. I am just tired of being the responsible one, the one that takes care of every single detail, and everyone knows that they can rely on me to take care of every single aspect of their problems. But none of them ask if I need help or if they should help me. I have learned because of the way I was brought up I have a problem with asking for help but I have learned over several years that I can ask for help and people do help me. Not my family of origin but my friends do. I would like to get out of this horrible fog and live my life in peace.

[Roza]

Update
My younger sister showed up at my home to pick up my daughter for her birthday. She didn't ask me anything,  how I was doing or anything.  She just walks in with my little nephew and nothing. This is MY home, my adult daughter wants to hang out with her aunt, go ahead but I felt like an intruder in my own home. My sister has hurt me by telling me to pull my head out of my rear and not talk to her or her son,  but she shows up at my house. She now wants me to go see my nephew play football and a play he is in. How can I go when, I didn't do anything and she told me not to talk to her or her son. I am supposed to give the other cheek and get slapped again? I think not. I have been her doormat for years, I even watched my nephew for 4 years so they could save money on daycare. I was expected to do it, I was putting my own family on hold for her. I never even got a kiss my rear after 4 years. All I  want is an apology from my sister for being so mean and hurtful. I guess this is going to be a new therapy session discussion.  Should I be the one to tell her she hurt me?  That maybe she should apologize? When I do something wrong, I apologize to the person or persons I  hurt, I guess we don't have to do that anymore.

[PeanutButter]

Update
My younger sister showed up at my home to pick up my daughter for her birthday. She didn't ask me anything,  how I was doing or anything.  She just walks in with my little nephew and nothing. This is MY home, my adult daughter wants to hang out with her aunt, go ahead but I felt like an intruder in my own home. My sister has hurt me by telling me to pull my head out of my rear and not talk to her or her son,  but she shows up at my house. She now wants me to go see my nephew play football and a play he is in. How can I go when, I didn't do anything and she told me not to talk to her or her son. I am supposed to give the other cheek and get slapped again? I think not. I have been her doormat for years, I even watched my nephew for 4 years so they could save money on daycare. I was expected to do it, I was putting my own family on hold for her. I never even got a kiss my rear after 4 years. All I  want is an apology from my sister for being so mean and hurtful. I guess this is going to be a new therapy session discussion.  Should I be the one to tell her she hurt me?  That maybe she should apologize? When I do something wrong, I apologize to the person or persons I  hurt, I guess we don't have to do that anymore.

Roza, IMO unless your D invited her over, S was an intruder in your home.
I dont believe in just showing up at a persons home. IME the upd people in my life feel intitled to do this though.
I dont blame you for not going to the game or the play. I would not pretend like nothing happened and go along to get along like S wants you to do. I dont know about telling her she hurt you especially if you have already told her before. (Idn if you did or not) If you didnt already tell her you could do that but IME I would think about what I expected to gain from telling her. It seems like you already know she is not going to apologise.
Going forward I would go vlc with her. If she asks you why you havent called or why you didnt come to the nephew's events just tell her you had other plans or that you wasn't up to going any where. Unless she changes her attitude drastically I would not discuss any of the drama that has been going on between all of you unless she very sincerely cared about you.