Still the scapegoat trapped living with entitled and slanderous N Sib! Help!!!

[Transcendence]

It was a very last resort after I lost my house, but I had to leave the area I was living in and move back to my FOO home, 1700 miles away.  My N sibling and her N spouse had already lived here for 10 years and had manipulated my aging but cognizant dad, changed the will executorship, and slandered me to the hilt. I have finally figured it out after so many years that my sister has always been the Golden Child and she has been able to manipulate everyone, but since she married another narcissist 20 years ago she basically devalued and discarded me and began to reign as a malignant narc Queen of my dysfunctional family.  To be honest my dad is fairly N and has enabled them, but by contrast I am still the scapegoat and after 2 years of living here I have regressed and feel very trapped with the noxious gas of this oppressive environment.  They don't pay rent or for utilities ( and they have the funds to help out) and they squander them leaving all the lights on and run the heat or AC even when they aren't here, but they have been able to save a lot of money and my dad is actually paying for my sister's advanced education!  Yes, I am hurt by the unfairness and jealous of their maladjusted prosperity! (ill-gotten gains?)

The kicker is I still care about everyone...and I am treated like I have little value and my dad believes what they say about me.  They are pathological liars and they are after my dad's money. They schemed the whole thing to move here and to become indispensable to my dad and other relatives.  But he has allowed it all and they have gone on lavish vacations together and he has cosigned for vehicles for them...as they went through a contrived bankruptcy.  But when I had a real and necessary one, my dad yelled at me and raged against me. I have about been homeless and my sister told me to find some kind of aid.  When I did end up here, she tried to get my dad to kick me out even though there was 3 extra bedrooms in the house.

I have been broke since the recession and unfortunately even with great effort have not been able to find real gainful employment.  So I have no way to get out of here and no buffer to move somewhere else.  Witnessing and experiencing all that goes on here that is evil and so well-oiled that just about everyone buys it.  It all revolves around my sister and what she wants and if I am invited to something it is at the last minute, like an afterthought.  My sister will even lie and say I'm busy or something so I'm not invited at all.  Lately I find myself with no resilience as I have other factors affecting my life, and living here is such a challenge and trying to navigate to survive and having minimal contact.  But I get sucked in at times because I am lonely and still wish for a close relationship.  But that isn't going to happen and there is no real safety here.

So I had some distance from all that dysfunction and had my own life when I lived in another area, but was still in recovery and working on my familial issues and personal patterns.  When I would come home for a visit there was a lot of sabotage and everyone went along with it because my sister had endeared herself to them with very showy acts and charm.  After my sister married another narcissist she literally dove into narcissicm and rewrote history. She devalued me and began a horrible slander campaign and destroyed our friendship/relationship. I didn't want to accept that a big part of it was that she didn't need me anymore, and that is what narcissists do when they have no real use for someone. Devalue and discard. I was her maid of honor who was quickly dishonored after it was all said and done.   It took me years to face all the betrayals and that I would never have my sister back.  I eventually realized that she had been spoiled rotten by all parental figures and others, (I did too as the older sister) but she went from being my friend to my betrayer and adversary. 

It took a lot of pain to stop trusting her as she would fake like she cared about me and I would tell her personal information and it would come back to bite me. I had been there for her, her whole life and she lived with me in my home a number of times.  But when I needed her she went into a rage and acted like a small favor was beneath her.  I can't believe the girl that I took care of and loved would do such awful and cruel things. I believe in God and have prayed about my path often, but I never dreamed at this stage in life I would be broke, lose my house, and end up living with them in my dad's house 1700 miles away from my chosen home!  Well-meaning people in recovery will say, "Just save your money and get out!" I wish I was able to do that!  I have applied for so many jobs and have student loans to prove my educational efforts into another career field.  I have had many interviews but have not landed the job that would support me. I have tried former job fields as well.  So I have been doing whatever I can to make money in this gig economy but it doesn't even pay my basic bills.  I would love to move back to where I was living before but it is too expensive and seems eternally illusive. 

Has anyone else had to move back in with N relatives after they are well into adulthood?  Or been underemployed or unemployed for long periods of time?  Thanks for reading and I just want to know I am not alone and that there is hope.

[STG3]

I'm so sorry, I can't imagine anything more difficult than being forced to live back with one's abusive FOO.

This might sound kind of out there, but I feel like you could possibly benefit from getting into meditation and maybe even stoicism or buddhism. We all have limited amounts of energy to expend each day and it sounds like living within all of this is absolutely draining you in every way (understandably). You've been through trauma after trauma and then are wading through this 24/7.

You know you need to find a way out. Before that, you need to find a way to establish some kind of inner peace for yourself to just laser focus on yourself, your way forward, and ignore the chaos surrounding you. Searching for jobs takes so much energy and is so stressful in and of itself, especially when you already have this whole other "job" of dealing with your FOO.

Re the job search specifically, have you tried working with a recruiter or temp agency? College career center? Networking? Bank teller jobs can sometimes be a good way in to stable employment. Just throwing stuff out there. I had to live with my FOO for a short period in adulthood and getting out (with the help of a job found via recruiter) was what got me through.

[Transcendence]

Thank you for reaching out to me, STG3.  It really helps to know that I am not alone and someone else has made it through a similar situation.  I would never have survived this life without my faith and relationship with God.  I do have a strong spiritual connection and pray often finding solace being out in nature whenever I can be out there!  I also belong to several 12 step recovery groups like (Alanon etc.) that helps me to hang in there.  But it isn't like you can really talk much about having abusive family members with PD's.  So the forum helps with really talking openly about what one is experiencing there.  I wonder if there are any 12 step groups regarding relationships with PDs?

I am doing everything possible to secure a job.   And thanks for the reminder about the energy it takes to deal with FOO issues that are so insidious, especially when one is dependent on living in the same house.  Also the energy to put oneself out there in seeking, applying, testing, and interviewing.  I have very little confidence left, now, and my resilience is so far down.  There is this weird thing that happens with my unNSis as there will be a periodic shift where she starts giving me the silent treatment, or snotty responses to my just saying anything nice when we end up in the same room, and the glare or condescending comments.  Or she treats me like a child or has an accusatory tone.  She is eternally jealous of any connection I have with my dad and or other people in the family and she has totally slandered me over the years and people believe everything she says. 

There is the possibility that they may buy a house and move out. But I have heard that before over the last 10 year that they have been here. That would help alot, I think.  Then I would have more freedom to move about with daily stuff and not have so many restrictions to avoid even more conflict.  I plan to get out as soon as it is possible.  Right now it seems so impossible as I have no savings or anything.  So many hurdles and road blocks.  I do need to really concentrate on self care, get my mojo back!  I haven't been sleeping well for a few days and that really pushes me deeper into the abyss.  I have been trying to be gone as much as possible. 

I know I have regressed living here back into hypervigilence and hopelessness.  I have lost alot of my independence and autonomy.  I also feel dependent on a very dysfunctional foo at least for a place to live.  And I am grateful for a place to live.  If my sister had her way I would be out on the street.  I would like to move back to another area far away.  My life was so much better and I had more autonomy, and could think alot more clearly when I was out of the valley of FOG.  Thanks for the encouragement!