Suffocating at home

[Mons]

I'm one of the many adults stuck living in the family home. The main factor is not economical, it's because growing up my voice was never heard at home because my parents and sister took priority. It's taken a lot of therapy for me to realise that, I always just internalised it as they were more confident, outgoing etc. than I am. I'm still not great at making and sticking to decisions and this is the real reason I'm still stuck at home. Like sure if I could make a decision the economic side is the next most important factor, but my lack of confidence to make a decision in the first place, to be able to deal with it not working out *without* having to move back home etc. is paralysing.

On top of this my uPD mother got diagnosed with Parkinson's a couple of years ago. She sees her consultant every 6 months and every time he tells her she's the same as when he last saw her, and that he'll be seeing her for a long time yet. But she treats the diagnosis as a death sentence. She just sits there expecting me to be her live in carer and I've nowhere to escape. I know many non-PDs react badly to this type of diagnosis and give up. But having known her and experienced her behaviour for 37 years I feel there's a degree of manipulation going on. Like people who take her words at face value (that she's deteriorating- not what the consultant says) offer help, like they've given her brochures for live in carers, retirement homes, and they've offered to come and help her with decluttering/cleaning, or recommended people to fit hand rails and such here. But does she accept any of it? No. She just tells me and my sister about it all, as if we're supposed to say "don't worry about any of those things, we'll do it all for you and resume our own lives when you're gone". I've ended up sucked into it cos I live at home and I'm an empath but she's got no chance of getting my narc sister to care!

It's so hard on a day to day basis though when she's here all the time and I'm here all the time and there's never a moment's peace. Her consultant recommended she join an exercise class to help her stay mobile. It's only 1 hour a week and it gives me a miniscule but much needed breathing space. But even that become as massive argument. She plays the dying swan and I'm a tyrant for trying to convince her to stick at it. I told her calmly that I also benefit from that 1 hour a week to myself but she doesn't care about that.

I don't know how much longer I'm going to be at home for. I'm in therapy and making applications for things and trying to convince myself to just *try* whichever application works out cos who knows if you'll like something long term before you've even tried. But in the here and now I don't know how to deal with this. I can manage her dying swan routine pretty well but I can't live without even 1 hour a week to myself. Like actually to myself, not out among the general public, to think about what I want from a long term plan, which of the applications I'm doing is the better fit etc. I don't even have a car to go and sit in for this purpose. What do people do?

[moglow]

Do what you can when you can and keep moving forward. Start by figuring out transportation so you can get somewhere, whether it's bus or ride shares or whatever. Look at what may be in walkable or bicycle distance. Then make yourself get out and GO. Maybe join book clubs and/or library if you're a reader [libraries and book stores saved my bacon when I had to live with family for a while in my 40s - the peace and silence was well worth having my teen niece drop me off and pick me up later!] Volunteer wherever might suit you, you may be able to find even part time or temporary jobs that way. Shelters of all kinds always need people who'll work. Escapes, I'm looking for escapes for you. Build on those contacts to build a life for yourself. Maybe even invest in noise cancelling headphones!

I've done it - got all stagnant and depressed and convinced myself that I couldn't. It took a couple hard jolts for me to realize that not only can I, but I HAD to do for myself first. I had to become independent and prove that I can take care of myself, there wasn't anyone else. Now I'm afraid I've gone hard the opposite direction where it's damned difficult to ask for help after always being intimidated to silence, demeaned and belittled for daring to ask for anything. I'm always a work in progress. The small steps lead to another, then a bigger step. Setbacks? Absolutely - that's when you look at the situation and look for other options, how you can make it work.

Don't be your mother or mine, waiting for others to fix it all for you. Sure it's scary, but the feeling when you make *this one thing* work when you didn't think you could? Priceless!! And it gives you courage for the next thing.

[bloomie]

Hi Mons - your living situation, as described here, is intense and complicated for sure. How good that you have a T to help you begin to redirect your energy and life to your own endeavors. To experiences and a living situation that provides room for you to discover what you enjoy, what you want for yourself.

It doesn't sound like you can do a single thing about what your mother and sister do or don't do. It also sounds like home is not going to be peaceful and a place of rest and respite. Accepting the reality of your situation over hoping beyond hope your mother will give you breathing room may be a big part of an awakening within you.

I don't know how much longer I'm going to be at home for. I'm in therapy and making applications for things and trying to convince myself to just *try* whichever application works out cos who knows if you'll like something long term before you've even tried. But in the here and now I don't know how to deal with this. I can manage her dying swan routine pretty well but I can't live without even 1 hour a week to myself. Like actually to myself, not out among the general public, to think about what I want from a long term plan, which of the applications I'm doing is the better fit etc. I don't even have a car to go and sit in for this purpose. What do people do?

People go into their room and lock the door and don't justify, argue, explain or defend their doing so. People go to the library where it is quiet and sit and read or contemplate. People go to a coffee shop and sip on a cup o' Joe and begin to dream about a different life and make small steps in that direction. People put in ear buds and go for a long walk and if it is cold outside they go somewhere in doors and walk. People find an indoor swimming pool or gym and zone out doing laps or on a treadmill. People shift their waking and sleep cycle to be up before or after someone who is always present for some type of quiet and alone time.

It seems that, for now, you are needing to be in the same home with your mother whose demands are high and expectations of you are higher. You don't have to comply with your mother's demands or be her in home health aide unless you have agreed to do so and even then, you can resign from the position, so to speak, and begin to build a life of your own putting your health and happiness first.

You say there is no deterioration in her condition - a good thing - and I will say that something I learned in dealing with a loved one with chronic illness that I hold onto is for people to do as much as they can for themselves for as long as they can. Stepping in and doing for her what she can still do for herself, even if it is a bit of work, is what love and empowerment look like in a situation like this.

Finding the strength to take even small steps forward toward your own, independent future is what love looks like for yourself!

[Mons]

Thank you both for the replies. Both of you have made good suggestions, I've just wrote them down in my notepad to start looking into.

I've done it - got all stagnant and depressed and convinced myself that I couldn't. It took a couple hard jolts for me to realize that not only can I, but I HAD to do for myself first. I had to become independent and prove that I can take care of myself, there wasn't anyone else....

Don't be your mother or mine, waiting for others to fix it all for you. Sure it's scary, but the feeling when you make *this one thing* work when you didn't think you could? Priceless!! And it gives you courage for the next thing.

I definitely don't want to end up like her waiting for someone else to rescue me. The big turning point for me is that having stagnated for so long I'm now in a position where if one of my current applications isn't successful/if I get cold feet and don't take one of them if offered (the bigger problem in my case), I've ran out of references. So I'd be screwed for at least 6 months while I volunteer somewhere long enough to get a reference. I'm not saying that in panic or with a violin, just stating an objective fact that is the direct result of my inaction. Fingers crossed one of the applications is successful and I just have to tell myself "you're taking it, no discussion".

It seems that, for now, you are needing to be in the same home with your mother whose demands are high and expectations of you are higher. You don't have to comply with your mother's demands or be her in home health aide unless you have agreed to do so and even then, you can resign from the position, so to speak, and begin to build a life of your own putting your health and happiness first.

It's one of those things where I haven't explicitly agreed but it's the implicit condition of me being here. I very much want to resign but I feel it would be cruel to just leave her without having a conversation about what she can/can't do for herself and in the latter case what support she can get with that. Then I question if this is a legitimate concern (if I move out, she won't cope) or a thought she's planted in my head and reinforced on a daily basis that simply isn't true. It's a hard call when long term conditions are part of the picture.

[Plumandine]

Hi Mons. I am really sorry to hear about your situation, it sounds difficult. It is not the same but I recognise elements in attitude / behaviour as my parents keep having health scares that never go anywhere.

I know I don't know your situation, but I know my parents are leaning heavily on the idea of them getting older and needing more support and care to make me feel like I need to stick around. Even if a test comes back negative, my mother will say something about how this one is negative but eventually a future one won't be or there will be something else. Your mother sounds like my mother, to me, and while I am sure it is so much more complicated because she has a real condition and diagnosis, I think it might be better to view her desire to keep you catering to her and her condition as two seperate things - as in, if she didn't have the parkinsons to feel bad about, she would find something else.

You obviously know her long term, so maybe this isn't a way she would have ever behaved before the parkinsons, and she's only doing it because she feels newly vulnerable now, but for people with PD it could easily be part of a longer running pattern of behaviour.

[Mons]

I think it might be better to view her desire to keep you catering to her and her condition as two seperate things - as in, if she didn't have the parkinsons to feel bad about, she would find something else.

You obviously know her long term, so maybe this isn't a way she would have ever behaved before the parkinsons, and she's only doing it because she feels newly vulnerable now, but for people with PD it could easily be part of a longer running pattern of behaviour.

This is a good point. She was like this before the Parkinson's because my narc dad abandoned her so many times that she clung to me and my sister for comfort. Then when my narc sis walked out she clung to me even harder. As I said in the OP she's uPD so it could be that she doesn't actually have a PD, she's just learned to behave in that way to get her needs met as she herself has had narcs in her life (her own sister as well as my dad and my sister/her daughter).

That being said, Parkinson's is more tangible than her sense of abandonment so she plays this card harder than the other stuff. And since it's an awful disease (my gran died from it so I know how it ends) I feel so guilty for referring to it as "mom's ace card". The only way I'll ever confidently be able to distinguish legitimate Parkinson's from the "ace card" is by moving out. The stuff she genuinely needs help with she can take up her friends' offers, and the "ace card" will be the stuff she tells me on the phone to try and get a reaction.

[mary_poppins]

Hi Mons.

It seems that we are in a similar situation, I'm also at home with narcissistic parents but I'm 40! And I have been out since I was 24 but moved back in during the pandemic. Trauma bond was so damaging to me during my time away from my family that I would end up feeling tortured by the thoughts about them-what are they doing? do they miss me? are they ok? did they get COVID? what if they need help? So I moved back, broke VLC/NC and started a painful journey of self-discovery.

I'm currently building my resilience and reading as much as I can about trauma bond so that, when I move out next time and go NC it will be for good.
I don't know what to say to make it feel better-other than I understand. I try to navigate this current situation by either going out daily (to cafes or local libraries) or keep everything to myself and don't go to common areas where my narc parents are spending their time. I don't ever eat with them and try to spend as little time in their presence as possible. However, whenever we do spend a little time, they try to take advantage of that and start abusing me (put downs, jabs, control and manipulation, etc). My dad has a partial disability and my mother is my dad's caretaker so I don't have to care for any of them. My dad's disability is getting worse and I have asked, sometimes insisted for them to hire a full-time carer because my dad is tall and heavy and mom is small and can't help my dad 24/7 for the rest of her life.

They were so furious when I told them that as if I asked them for a kidney. They will never accept a 'stranger' in their own home, even if that stranger is a nurse, totally qualified to do care work. In the end, they'll end up destoying themselves and their bodies because of their ego. (btw, a carer is affordable in our country, we live in eastern Europe).

Anyway, my advice to you if you want it is this: take any opportunity that's coming your way. If you apply to a job that's not well-paid and they want to hire you, take it. You will find a better, higher paying job later. If someone offers you to work for them, take it. Or you can also volunteer or do free internships-these opportunities can turn into paid jobs.

Last time I 'escaped' this place was through a nursing job-they hired me really fast, paid for my first month of rent, it was cool. The job was toxic, the pay was ridiculous but it helped me 'escape' (i did get a better job after that one so all worked out)-unfortunately trauma bond got the best of me and, without therapy, I didn't last long after I moved out. Trauma bond is almost like a brain disease to me 
You can't live, sleep, eat because of it, all you think is them, your abusers and the guilt and responsability you have towards them. Also, look into some anti-depressants-your therapist might recommend some for you. Maybe they will help with trauma bond because you have a lot of it.

[Mons]

mary_poppins I'm sorry to hear you're in a similar situation. I hadn't heard of trauma bonds I'll go and read up on it and bring it up with my therapist next session, thank you.

Anyway, my advice to you if you want it is this: take any opportunity that's coming your way. If you apply to a job that's not well-paid and they want to hire you, take it. You will find a better, higher paying job later. If someone offers you to work for them, take it. Or you can also volunteer or do free internships-these opportunities can turn into paid jobs.

This is a very good point (thank you for the other advice too). I think I do give too much attention to "what do I want" rather than "what will get me out" and sure these don't have to be mutually exclusive but right now the priority balance has to be 25:75 or something.

[mary_poppins]

mary_poppins I'm sorry to hear you're in a similar situation. I hadn't heard of trauma bonds I'll go and read up on it and bring it up with my therapist next session, thank you.

Anyway, my advice to you if you want it is this: take any opportunity that's coming your way. If you apply to a job that's not well-paid and they want to hire you, take it. You will find a better, higher paying job later. If someone offers you to work for them, take it. Or you can also volunteer or do free internships-these opportunities can turn into paid jobs.

This is a very good point (thank you for the other advice too). I think I do give too much attention to "what do I want" rather than "what will get me out" and sure these don't have to be mutually exclusive but right now the priority balance has to be 25:75 or something.

How are you doing now, Mons? Any updates?

[Mons]

I have an update at last! One of my applications turned out successfully- better than expected, in fact- so I'll be moving in a few months' time. Moving country, in fact xD

My mom was actually pleased for me but said she couldn't cope on her own so would need care. I responded "that's fair enough, I'm happy to help you get that in place before I go". Which I'm proud of myself for because normally I'd feel guilty.

So now I've sorted what I'm doing and where the money's coming from I just have to find somewhere to live there, which I know is a huge task in itself but it's one thing compared to three things which it was until yesterday. And I'll have the headspace to get myself out of the house while I still have to be here.

So fingers crossed things are looking up for me.

[moglow]

💜💜💜 so glad this is coming together for you!!

[Rebel13]

  Congratulations and best of luck!

[walking on broken glass]

Such good news! Well done Mons!