Sometimes it's just weird and I don't understand it anymore

[Maxtrem]

It's been a long time since I posted but something really weird happened and I have no one to really share it with.

My mom (a mix of BPD and narc) brought gifts for my baby. My partner tactlessly said she didn't want any more toys because we're running out of room. My mother took it very badly and left crying. My partner has mentioned to my mother several times now that our baby has enough toys.

What I find strange is that afterwards my mother mentioned that it was good for her to buy toys for her grandson. It's a need she has. In short, we should accept that she brings toys even if we lack space and my baby has enough toys at the moment because it pleases her. 

I don't understand how giving gifts makes us feel good? We do it for the other person?

Anyway, now she wants to take a break and doesn't want me to send her any photos of my baby. I used to send them every day to all the grandparents. She also says she's taking a break from babysitting. It's ridiculous, she's the one losing out in this since my baby loves spending time with her and she likes babysitting him too.

There she talks about selling her apartment to live far away and to stop taking her heart pills and wants to make me feel guilty that I didn't take her side in front of my partner, which won't happen.

I just have no patience for it anymore. My baby is trying to say daddy today and I'm too depressed to enjoy the moment...

[notrightinthehead]

Sounds like a bit of an overreaction to threaten moving away and stop taking heart pills because you don't want any more gifts for now.
I do agree though, gift giving can bring great joy to the giver.
Let's hope the temper tantrum ebbs and she can be more reasonable with time. I would give her space and time to calm down. Be reasonable. Be kind. Be sensible.

[sunshine702]

Gifts.  Yeah that is a personality disorder thing.  So I kept telling my mom I did not want black velvet hangers.  They would show dog hair in my house I appreciate but no my white plastic are fine.  When she was taking care of me with a surgery I woke up and she was in my closet changing my hangers!!  You have real reasons for no thank you and they just mow right over you.

But it's a gift so you are supposed to be grateful.... It stinks I am sorry. 

[SonofThunder]

Hi Maxtrem,

Get to know the Karpman Drama Triangle on a Google search. Imo a PD's favorite triangle role in which to pitch their tent is Victim and they will play the other two roles as necessary to bring them back home.  #motiveiseverything

SoT

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hmm, your partner has mentioned enough toys multiple times and yet your mother reacted to a direct statement that over the top? Indirect suicide threats and can't even handle seeing photos of the baby? For crying out loud. Holy drama triangle, indeed. I would push back against you calling your partner tactless here, Maxtrem. Sounds like the time for tact is way past with your mother. She's impossible.

I have been in your partner's position with in-laws. Trying to set boundaries around gifts resulted in absurd punishing behavior,  although your mother wins the Oscar, I will admit. You are right, mother is the one losing out here. And you know what, that is entirely her choice. She wants to be in charge and have no boundaries more than she wants to be in that child's life? Good to know. Screw you, grandma. Your partner has every right to limit how much stuff her own kid has. And your being depressed about it is showing your partner (and me) who is important to you emotionally right now. Hint: Not your partner. Not your baby saying, "Daddy." Where is your anger that your mother tries to hold your whole FOC hostage like this? Where is your attunement with your own child? I think that's a more important problem than Grandma putting herself in time-out for a bit. As far as that goes, enjoy the break. Let her stew. She'll get bored eventually.

Check out emotional enmeshment. It's a bitch. Folks on this board have recommended Dr. Ken Adams. Sons of engulfing uBPD mothers like yours tend to struggle with it. Of course I can't diagnose, but I've seen the pattern. I really believe working on healing that would go a long way toward a happier family life for you.

I've been NC for years with my own IL's at this point, but my husband's emotional enmeshment is still an active problem for us. It's a lifelong thing and hard to break those ingrained patterns. But you are here because you want a better way. Cheering you on!

[Liketheducks]

I found that my PD mother craves creating a wedge between me and my partner.   For a period of time she lived with us.   Week one, she was telling me that he was abusive - he's not.  There was quite a lot of triangulation.   She hates when I call her on these occurrences.  If I don't fall in lockstep with her position or opinion, she does the same...I'll move away, stop taking all these pills, etc.   

It is over the top and crazy making.  Well done you for seeing it for what it is.   And the baby saying Daddy is just precious.   Enjoy those glimmers of good.   Soak that in.   And kudos to you for supporting your partner. 

[wisingup]

I have seen multiple examples over the years of my mom riding over our clearly stated wishes.  It's almost as if, by stating them clearly, she now has specific instructions on how to demonstrate that they don't apply to her. 

One example - at our wedding many years ago,  my DH and I had two specific songs we didn't want played & requested to the DJ not to play them.  That was really one of the few requests we had during the whole wedding planning process that my mom was leading and paying for.  Well, during the reception, my mom went up to the DJ and told him to play those songs.  When he resisted she told him "I've got your check".  She told the story at family gatherings multiple times after the wedding - very proud of her triumph that day.  Since she was paying, we never said anything, but it struck us both as her showing us that our wishes don't matter to her if they conflict with hers.

I feel like specifically asking your mom not to buy toys is similar - suddenly buying toys is of paramount importance to her!

[Call Me Cordelia]

 

And whose desire are important here? Mom's, every single time. Not the child's need for healthy balance. Not your partner's need to be the authority in her own home. Not your need for peace. Nope, not even a blip. All about mom.

[moglow]

Anyway, now she wants to take a break and doesn't want me to send her any photos of my baby. I used to send them every day to all the grandparents. She also says she's taking a break from babysitting. It's ridiculous, she's the one losing out in this since my baby loves spending time with her and she likes babysitting him too.

There she talks about selling her apartment to live far away and to stop taking her heart pills and wants to make me feel guilty that I didn't take her side in front of my partner,

So [checks notes] she's been asked to back off on bringing/giving toys and her response is to go scorched earth? Seems a bit much doncha think? I understand it makes her feel good to bring gifts, but limits. Who wants a child growing up with "gramma is coming, I get presents!" to the exclusion of all else. Besides, this is a BABY. Does he even play with toys at this point? He'll outgrow them before you can turn around good.

But she doesn't want pictures of her grandchild because you don't have limitless space for toys and dust collectors?? Imagine her response when you donate/remove those your child doesn't play with or has outgrown. You can go full compliance with her but expect complaints at some point regardless, that you've cut her off or some such.

This is a very clear example of the all/nothing, good/bad, black/white thinking that BPD is famous for. Mine went full on the opposite direction and has no interest in her grandchildren, even less than she had for us as children. 

All I know to tell you is don't play the game. She's going to do what she's going to do no matter what you ask of her. If she wants to sit in a corner and pooch out her lips, so be it. Your life and your family continues on. I'd still invite her but don't let your life and happiness depend on her mood of the moment. Little man is living in the moment, get down there in it with him!

[nanotech]

Enjoy your lovely baby and your emotionally healthy partner.
Disregard the PD efforts of some people who are feeling jealous and needy.
Presents have been weaponised by PDs since time immemorial.
Any conditional stuff she spouts?
Ignore.

[Cat of the Canals]

My mom (a mix of BPD and narc) brought gifts for my baby. My partner tactlessly said she didn't want any more toys because we're running out of room. My mother took it very badly and left crying. My partner has mentioned to my mother several times now that our baby has enough toys.

What I find strange is that afterwards my mother mentioned that it was good for her to buy toys for her grandson. It's a need she has. In short, we should accept that she brings toys even if we lack space and my baby has enough toys at the moment because it pleases her. 

My brother went through almost this exact scenario with my BPD/NPD mother. When he said, "Hey, you've brought toys over every day this week when we've asked you not to." First she tried to deny it, and then she threw a full-blown tantrum, insisting that her grandson was at the age where his brain needed to be stimulated, and if they didn't let her give him the toys, he would run into the street and be hit by a car, is that what they wanted?  (I don't know how he could tolerate being in her presence after that. If it had been me, she would have been on a looooong timeout.)

When my brother told her she could leave these toys but please not to bring anymore, she pulled the classic, "No, I'm taking the toys back, and he can play with them at MY house!"