One foot out the door

[bohemian butterfly]

I'm so very torn right now and I hope this post isn't too long.

For the past year, I've been noticing a change in my relationship (we've been dating for 4 years, living together for two of them).  Actually, I take it back, I've known from the beginning that something was off, but I thought it was me and I've ignored it. Plus I think that I have this fear that I keep repeating the same pattern over and over, only this time I thought it'd be different.  Before I met my boyfriend, I'd taken a break from dating and was in therapy.  I thought I'd healed.  I thought I'd found the one.

**I should also note that these past two years I came Out of the FOG with my FOO.  I was in some serious therapy, successfully unenmeshed from my uBPDm and seem to have a handle on the relationship I have with my parents, so now I feel like, maybe it's me.  Maybe I'm at fault.  Maybe I'm annoying.  Maybe I look for problems.  Maybe I am the problem. ***

So now I'm sitting in bed next to a man (who is snoring after drinking a few glasses of wine) who was kind and attentive to me at dinner (we ate dinner with his sister) but not 2 minutes after returning home, barks at me to turn a hose on and when I answered "just a second" he scoffs and huffs and says, "Jeez!!!  I'll just do it myself!"   Because if things aren't done on his timeframe, then well, never mind, just forget it (he says/acts)

I've tried to have numerous conversations with him about our dynamic (he being more alpha and me more passive).  I've asked him if he's happy.  I've asked him if he's frustrated (he told me he was, that he has this dream (farming) and he's not going to change). He also stated that I don't clean enough, etc. 

Why haven't I left?   Because I never know who I will wake up next to.....   some mornings he wakes up singing (literally) my praises (I'm beautiful, he loves me, I'm his baby, etc). But by the afternoon he's barking out "requests" that a person really can't say no too.....   there's no asking, no courtesy.   If I have a boundary and say no, I feel terrible.  He asks for so many favors in a day (not money, just tasks) that I feel like I'm at work.   

He can be kind and attentive at times and then the following day, treat me like an employee (we live on a farm, he's a full time farmer, I have a full time job off the farm, but work on the farm on the evenings and weekends).  And he can be rude and demanding. 

Right now I feel like I can't do anything right.  He reloads the dishwasher after Ive loaded it, because he's got a better way (he can fit more dishes in, he says!) but if I stop loading the dishwasher out of frustration, then he gets huffy.  He also gives me helpful hints (on how to properly load the dishwasher).

I'm basically an errand runner (because he "can't" leave the farm).  He used to call me during the day just to talk or just to say hello.  Now I cringe when I see him calling because 9 times out of 10, he's asking me to do something for him (tonight I ran errands.  I bought a birthday gift and cake for his sister and bought dinner for everyone). 

But, and here's the but.  He is highly intelligent and he used to just adore me and I him. I still see that old him every few days.  And when he's been rude and Just when I feel like I can't take it anymore, he pulls at my heartstrings and I once again think it's just me.  Even though he's never called me lazy, I feel like he thinks I am because I am not a workaholic. 

Yesterday I took a vacation day from my full time job and worked at the farm.  I kept busy all day.  He was pleased because I was hard at work (and not reading or relaxing).  When I first moved here 2 years ago, he told me that he wanted me to spend my time in a hammock and to help when and if I wanted.  I've sat in the hammock one day in 2 years.   

The past few weeks I've been keeping a diary.  The past few weeks I've started thinking of leaving.  I've been watching this house on Zillow....  well Today I looked at that cute house.  After I met with the realtor, i filled out an application for a preapproval.  Within 3 hours, I had secured a preapproval letter!   The realtor said he hadn't seen anything like it.  It all just flowed.  I felt so happy.   I also remembered that I'm a capable person.  The realtor and I will meet again tomorrow and draw up an offer. 

I'm excited and scared and sad. 

If I do this, there's no going back.  We are not married and only share a cell phone and one small checking account.  I'm sitting here right now sooo torn because even though he was rude tonight, tomorrow he might be sweet again. 

[11JB68]

 
Change is scary.
The thought of being alone can be scary.
Peace and relaxation and your own space sounds wonderful...
I hope things work out for you.

[openskyblue]

Good for you! I hope you get that house — and put a nice hammock in the backyard.

When I read your post, I had a big flashback to my previous marriage to a bullying  NPD who would get so upset when I relaxed, he'd literally pace back and forth in front of me — as I committed the unpardonable sin of reading a book in my comfy chair on a quiet Sunday. It's horrible to have to hide to have some ease — and to feel Lee you are just staff.

It sounds like your partner is skilled at hoovering when it seems like you are going off on your own or just pursuing your own interests. If you move, I'd bet you might be in for hoovering on steroids from him.

Good luck! This seems like a big time of transformation.

[bohemian butterfly]

There is something definitely going on with him.  I don't think he's cheating, but he went from being a totally adoring boyfriend  (the first 2.5 years) to now, almost a bully.  I mean, sometimes I'm just blown away by his "barking" at me.  Sometimes he catches himself and will half apologize?  But he quickly brushes it off (and expects me to do the same). If I get weepy or sad about it, he'll say, " I said I was sorry!"   He's definitely frustrated and I know farming is a stressful and time consuming job, but he just hired a full time employee and another part time person.  Plus, I help too (herb garden, run the farm stand, write part of the weekly newsletter, etc)

Ive spent 4 years of my life with this person.  It really really stinks, but I have to think about this realistically.   Is he magically going to change?  I can't change him.  What seems to make him happy?  When I totally abandon myself and cater to his needs, wants and life.  Meaning his happiness equals my loss of self.  Loss of separateness.  Although he can be kind and giving, he can also be cruel.  I just can't do this.  My entire core is rejecting the idea of just letting go and merging with him because it wouldn't be equal, I would be him.   Bohemian butterfly would cease to exist as a separate person.   And it's funny, why do I get the sense that if I actually did this (merged with him) he'd despise me for it?

Before me he dated alpha women.  They ruled over him and He hated it, but he married 2 alpha women and dated several more.  Not even one of my toes is alpha.  Im totally passive, chill and laid back.  He told me he loved that I didn't boss him around.  So I guess now, since he's not getting bossed, he's being bossy.  He seems unhappy with the role and it seems like he goads me into getting angry and lashing out (thus getting me to be more alpha).  When I say "no" to a request, and he scoffs, it makes me feel mad, bad, and guilty. I feel myself changing and I don't like it. 

[Whiteheron]

It's definitely not you.

You mentioned that you feel guilty after sticking to one of your boundaries. A healthy person would recognize that boundary and back down, not fill you with guilt for having a boundary.

There are so many red flags in your post. Keep journaling, especially as the hoovering begins (and it will - he'll be loosing a minion who is at his beck and call). Journaling will help you sort through the crazy and see patterns in his behavior.

That you are excited about this new house speaks volumes. Listen to your gut, it won't steer you wrong.

Good luck!

[openskyblue]

Before me he dated alpha women.  They ruled over him and He hated it, but he married 2 alpha women and dated several more.  Not even one of my toes is alpha.  Im totally passive, chill and laid back.  He told me he loved that I didn't boss him around.  So I guess now, since he's not getting bossed, he's being bossy.  He seems unhappy with the role and it seems like he goads me into getting angry and lashing out (thus getting me to be more alpha).  When I say "no" to a request, and he scoffs, it makes me feel mad, bad, and guilty. I feel myself changing and I don't like it.

Given what you've described of his behavior, I'm imagining that any women who said no to his demands/requests he'd determine was alpha and bossing him around. He isn't "making" you an alpha — he's rejecting (sounds like) any boundary that you put up to preserve your sense of self and autonomy.

Having boundaries, your own life, etc is healthy. And I think you have a mighty solid core that's trying to tell you that.

[bohemian butterfly]

Thank you guys so much!

I couldn't sleep at all last night and this morning he was in a good mood (asking me how I was, etc).  This fills me with such doubt. 

On my way to work, I stopped by the house I am considering buying.  I walked around and the sun was shining in the backyard and the birds were singing!  I even talked to a neighbor who raved about the area.  She said that it was a great street.  I took pics and just sat in my car.  I wish these kinds of decisions were easier because they are life changing.  I wish that I could ask him........  but he wouldn't be excited, he would want to know all the particulars and ask me tons of questions.  This is how it is with everything.  I guess I feel like I asked for this dynamic because of my personality.  We worked well together at the beginning, but whereas before he gently led me, now it's like a jerking around. 

The realtor just sent me the offer letter.  I'm sitting with it.  I'm going to take a walk and just hope I get a sign.

What if I can't do this? 

I want to ask you all if I'm doing the right thing, but I have to make the call on my own.  I'm so afraid that I'm wrong about him and that I am just a messed up person.  We both come from dysfunctional backgrounds, so that probably has something to do with it.  But not only have I been in therapy, but we have gone to therapy together (which was awesome, except that things have gotten worse)  I have also tried to talk to him several times. 

The other day, after he ignored my call and then when he returned it, tried calling multiple times when I didn't pick up, we had another discussion about the relationship.  I asked him if things have changed, that maybe he has changed his mind about me and is acting this way because he is unhappy?  He said (in an exasperated voice) "If you not happy and want to leave, just leave"   This is not normal, right?  He never apologized.  He never said he didn't mean it, but he did say "I love you and nothing has changed"  This is so confusing to me. 

[Penny Lane]

When you fill with doubts I hope you revisit this paragraph:

Is he magically going to change?  I can't change him.  What seems to make him happy?  When I totally abandon myself and cater to his needs, wants and life.  Meaning his happiness equals my loss of self.  Loss of separateness.  Although he can be kind and giving, he can also be cruel.  I just can't do this.  My entire core is rejecting the idea of just letting go and merging with him because it wouldn't be equal, I would be him.   Bohemian butterfly would cease to exist as a separate person.   And it's funny, why do I get the sense that if I actually did this (merged with him) he'd despise me for it?

This is very wise, a very clear look at your potential future.

I can't tell you if this is the right thing.

But I can tell you that you absolutely can do this. You have more strength than you realize. Right now you're spending it on spinning your wheels with him. You would have energy and freedom and happiness you would have to devote to your new house, your new life, if you didn't have to cater to him anymore. So much free time to sit and read or nap on your new hammock. You are strong. I think you're on the cusp of grabbing a really amazing, wonderful future and really giving your future self what she deserves.

Being at a crossroads is always hard. But no decision is set in stone. I hope you decide the right thing for YOU, whatever that might be. We'll be here for you.

[looloo]

Hi bb  ,
I second Penny Lane's words:  you have it in you to do right by YOU, whatever that decision is. 

Knowing that he'd "despise" you for becoming exactly the person he requires you to be -- I understand that so well!  And it's 100% true.  It must have something to do with that PD self loathing.  They successfully charm, love bomb - they manipulate the entire time.  If they're good at it, they get what they want.  But then, they feel total contempt for the people they con, for falling for it, I guess.

With my exH (many years now), at some point, I started to come to some understanding of the truth of things.  I had had a nightmare, where he was being very cruel to me, and I said to him (in my dream), "I thought you loved me."  And (in my dream), he told me, "No-I HATE YOU" -- not yelling, but in a very matter of fact, how-do-you-not-realize-this tone!  I woke up with such a jolt, it was SO horrifying in that moment.  But I knew it was the truth.  Not sure at what point I eventually left, it may have been a few years after that, but I remember that dream vividly, and it being literally a wake up call.

[bohemian butterfly]

I just signed the offer letter. 

I have no idea what will happen with my relationship at this point.  I do not have to tell him about this because we are not married.  I technically haven't purchased the home until I go to closing, so I am going to see what happens for the next few weeks.  If we stay together, I have a place that I can AirB&B or rent out as an investment.  My property.  If we don't work out, I can easily and safely move out.

I feel good about this.  During my lunch break I bought a happy meal from McDonalds and drove over to the house and sitting in my car, ate my lunch.  It felt right.  I talked to another woman (neighbor) and she also said it was a great street (by the way, I live in a major city, so the area's safety is gauged/different from block to block)

I got off tangent.  I know for my safety that I can not disclose this house right now.  When he got divorced from his first wife, he took all her expensive clothes and shoes and hid them (she was a lawyer....so not sure what he was thinking).  Anyway, she ended up waiting until he was out of the house on a trip and she went over and packed everything up and left.  When he told me the story, of course I was on his side as she was portrayed in a negative light.  His second divorce was the opposite.  He said he was glad that she just left.

The thing I feel bad about is hurting someone emotionally, even if they hurt me.  I'm also afraid that he will get depressed (he said before he met me thought about things he shouldn't have).  I also feel this pressure because although I am not financially tied to the business (farm/farm stand) I'm emotionally connected.  I've raised chickens, I've planted herbs and flowers.  Now I might have to say good-bye to all of that.  And the customers.........  I'll probably never see them again.

I also think about his life afterwards.  I think about the next woman.  There is this feeling that he will quickly bond and marry someone and that I will feel like I let a good one slip me by......  Everyone loves him.
But if it was perfect...... why am I on this forum?  Why was I crying earlier?  Why would I want to leave a beautiful farm with tons of animals if everything was great?  Because everything isn't great.  Just like Facebook, our happiness is a mirage, it's fake.  He can't truly be in love with me because how could it have come to this?   I mean, I put an offer on a home that he knows nothing about.  I don't even envision him there.....

It stinks because there are glimpses of a good person.  At times, he's got a good heart and soul.....but when the tides shifts, he's a different person.  I really feel like sometimes he's a Doctor Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

That good person is amazing, but he's there less and less. 

[sad_dog_mommy]

When he got divorced from his first wife, he took all her expensive clothes and shoes and hid them (she was a lawyer....so not sure what he was thinking).  Anyway, she ended up waiting until he was out of the house on a trip and she went over and packed everything up and left. 

As a lawyer she probably had nice business suits and 'work' clothes.  Maybe he thought he could hurt her by taking away something valuable and important to her job?  Who knows how the irrational PD mind works??  No wonder she left in 'stealth mode'.

My exBPDbf would threaten to break or ruin things that meant something to me.  As I was getting my ducks in a row to ask him to move out I took family heirlooms, all my family photos and sentimental things out of the house and stored them at my office.  I even took all the hammers because he had repeatedly told me he would take a hammer to any wall that he had painted in the house.   

I think your new home sounds amazing!   Keep looking forward! 

[11JB68]

I hope that you have a hammock at your new place and get to relax in our whenever you want

[looloo]

Yay, exciting news!

Good luck with everything! 

[not broken]

Your post sounds like my relationship with my boyfriend twenty years ago.  I got pregnant and married him.  Last year I came Out of the FOG and realized I've been emotionally and verbally abused for two decades.  I love my kids and am so blessed to have them.  Sadly though, I first heard the word narcissistic behaviors and traits by my youngest daughter's therapist. 

Buy the house.  Live YOUR life.  Read The Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes PhD- it is one of the two best books I have read in this journey and helped me in ways that I cannot even describe.   I wish you peace and happiness, good luck!

[1footouttadefog]

I ama gkad you found a nice house.  You have this. How awesome that you recognise your power in thisbsituation and that you are successful to have the financial means to extricate yourself, and are able to recognize the patterns of abuse.


I hope your transition is quick and that you are soon in your new home living in peace and enjoying your urban sanctuary.

[bohemian butterfly]

Update:

So this weekend my boyfriend and I did our own thing.  While he worked in the fields, I cleaned and started going through my belongings, putting stuff in bags to donate to Goodwill (I'm doing this because I'm 95% sure that I will be moving out).  He was pleased with me (because I cleaned and worked all day long) and I was "rewarded" (he was happy with me, so he made me a nice dinner). 

I have been going back and forth in my mind about what to do (stay or leave).  There is a good book I once read, "To good to leave, to bad to stay" and that title depicts exactly how I am feeling.  I broke down into tears many times this weekend.  I weep for what could have been, I weep for me and I weep for him. 

In the past 6 months, things have changed so much.  He used to call and text throughout the day (just to say hello) and now I only receive "I need a favor" texts or phone calls.  It's depressing.  I feel as if I have 2 choices.  Choice #1    I totally "disappear" into him (enmesh/become codependent).  I mirror him (work 24/7, drink alcohol at the end of the day to make myself feel better) and strive to make him happy.   Choice #2 -  I use the skills I've learned in therapy and end the relationship/ leave.  Sure, I will have to endure the emotional pain of disconnecting from him, but at least I get to keep me.

One of my fears is that he is the perfect partner to the next girl he gets involved with and it could have been that way with us.  That maybe I am missing something, maybe something about my behavior is causing his........  Perhaps I am the dysfunctional one.

Or, perhaps I have changed (in a positive way) and he doesn't like it and we truly don't mesh anymore.....  I think at the beginning of the relationship, I was enmeshed with him (totally devoted) and was codependent.  During our relationship, I was in intense counseling for a year (enmeshed with uBPDm) and I started acting healthier.  I was in DBT for a year (to deal with fleas and change any BPD traits I may have had/picked up on).  I feel like as soon as I started saying "no" and starting to have some boundaries, he started getting resentful of me.  He only started the favor asking during DBT and it only intensified after that.  Perhaps he was testing my strength?  Perhaps he was trying to grasp the reins again.  All I know is that his resentment grew and my anger increased. 

**Per the house.  The home inspection is set for next Monday.  Closing date is June 23rd.  I really can't believe it.  Everything is just flowing.  It really makes me feel like this is the right move (literally.  Physically and emotionally)**

I do have break downs though.....  I feel happy one moment and depressed the next.  This is normal, right?  I feel strong and then I feel totally incapacitated.  But, I will do this. 

[Penny Lane]

One of my fears is that he is the perfect partner to the next girl he gets involved with and it could have been that way with us.  That maybe I am missing something, maybe something about my behavior is causing his........  Perhaps I am the dysfunctional one.

I have two thoughts about this...

One is, there is no way he will be the perfect partner to the next girl. I would bet you a thousand dollars that he will do to the next girl what he did to you. At the beginning it's all wonderful and then devolves into the demanding, rude unloving partner you have now. From everything you've said, the problem is you only insofar as you're getting healthier and he doesn't like it. (I would argue the problem is STILL him in that scenario).

The other is, say you leave him and he does become the perfect partner to the next girl. Well, okay, then the issue is that the two of you aren't compatible as partners. Maybe you'll leave him and you'll find the perfect partner for you as well! He is not the perfect partner FOR YOU, and that's not a failing on your part. Lots of relationships end because two good people just weren't well-suited to each other, and that's ok. You don't owe him infinite chances to change into the perfect partner for you, especially since he doesn't seem to be trying to do the things you need.

Breakups suck, even without PDs. It's hard and there's a lot of what-ifs. But from everything you've posted it seems that you know in your gut that you have a better chance of happiness without him than you do with him.

[bohemian butterfly]

Thank you everyone for your love and kind words.  I will probably shift over to the separating and divorcing forum for a bit as I process this new development. 

[sad_dog_mommy]

Breakups suck, even without PDs.

There is a good book about how to re-claim your self-esteem after a break-up.  I think the title says it all:  It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken written by Greg Behrendt.   It is not a typical self-help book.  It is like your funny best friends wrote it.  You can find a used copy on eBay or Amazon for less than $3.00 

((( hug )))

[bohemian butterfly]

Breakups suck, even without PDs.

There is a good book about how to re-claim your self-esteem after a break-up.  I think the title says it all:  It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken written by Greg Behrendt.   It is not a typical self-help book.  It is like your funny best friends wrote it.  You can find a used copy on eBay or Amazon for less than $3.00 

((( hug )))

Yes!!!  I remember that book.  I guess it's time I reread it!  Thanks for the suggestion.