My fault out of the womb

Moxie890 · April 17, 2019, 11:09:26 AM

Hi all! I haven't been on to participate in a while because I recently had a baby, and have been very busy (as to be expected, haha). Ever since going NC I have had so many eye opening realizations!

My latest realization is that problems were blamed on me right out of the womb

My uBPDNm told me that I wasn't breastfed because I was too weak and couldn't suck hard enough (I did have a heart condition). Now that I am breastfeeding my second child, I realize how ridiculous that statement is. This might be TMI, but when my milk lets down it sprays out, all baby has to do is swallow. There is also the option to pump and put it in a bottle. So no, it was not my infant self's fault that she didn't breastfeed me. The truth is she didn't want to, which is totally fine with me because she smokes like a chimney... But still, why blame it on me

Goldielocks · April 17, 2019, 12:53:01 PM

Congratulations on your new baby.

She was never going to blame herself - they are never, ever to blame.
It's interesting that you were blamed straight from the womb, my 'mother' was fed up with me even before I was born. Thank Goodness we still had it in us to be proper mothers ourselves.

Call Me Cordelia · April 17, 2019, 01:32:33 PM

Relatable. I had my colic cast up to me whenever I was being "difficult" for my entire life.

What's telling to me is that your mother frames this as a question of blame at all. The weak sucking reflex is a thing among premature babies, maybe it was true for you too. And yes, there are ways to try to breastfeed anyway. None of that is super important. A healthy person would say, these were the circumstances and at the time I felt it best to do x.

Andeza · April 17, 2019, 01:43:03 PM

Congratulations! I've got a two month old so know exactly what you're talking about.

My M has made comments to the effect that I was such a sickly baby she gave up her social life and work to take care of me... It's not like we lived in the hospital. I wasn't the healthiest baby, but I wasn't deathly ill either. She could have kept her job and social life, but I was a convenient excuse to the embrace the "hermit" persona of BPD.

If your mom couldn't breastfeed you it's far more likely it was because she found it uncomfortable or painful and just can't fess up to that being the reason because it would reflect poorly on her. I had a rough first two weeks, but then DS grew a bit, the latch got better and no more pain. It wasn't his fault! It's not like he could help being small and I certainly don't blame him for my discomfort.

Our PD people never cease to amaze. They refuse any and all responsibility for anything that could be perceived as negative.

CMC I can't believe they just blamed your colic for everything. That's ridiculous.

Deb2 · April 17, 2019, 02:53:58 PM

My dBPD sister literally fought with her oldest daughter in the womb! I mean, she would be pushing on her belly and cursing the baby out. And after my niece was born, my sister acted like it was my niece's fault for being born.

Moxie890 · April 17, 2019, 08:03:12 PM

Thanks for the congrats! Congrats to you too, Andeza

Deb2, I feel like I shouldn't be surprised by PD behaviors anymore, but dang! Fighting with a fetus, that's outrageous.

Thanks for the validation, and for sharing your experiences.

40andfab · April 18, 2019, 12:32:48 AM

Wow. Your post really just breaks it down to how self involved PD's can be. I mean, you were a little innocent baby!! Geez. I found that raising my own children and watching them grow through normal stages of development was a huge trigger for me when remembering my childhood, especially toddler hood and adolescence. How the heck can an infant be blamed for something that is the responsibility of the parents? And the fact that you had a heart condition really makes this whole thing just plain silly.

Goes to show that this really isn't our fault at all, really.

Peace Lily · April 18, 2019, 01:42:42 AM

Hello Moxie, it is incredible that even a tiny baby or unborn child can be blamed! My BPD Mum blamed my sister for her bad back - she was always in terrible pain and near to tears very often. My sister was an unborn child at the time and kicked my mum in the back. Not sure if that can happen as I've never been pregnant, but surely it's a cruel heartless thing to say to a child and she certainly didn't do it in purpose. Not to mention the fact that my BPD used illness as a way to get attention and to get others to do stuff for her, so how bad her back was, I don't know.

My sis, the scapegoat, was also blamed for not feeding properly, as if she was doing it in purpose, when in actual fact the doctor said it was because her nose was blocked. Once she learned this my Mum was more sympathetic. I think she'd blamed my sis, because if it wasn't the baby's fault, it would have been her fault and she couldn't handle that.

Seven · April 18, 2019, 06:24:35 AM

I'm in my late 40s (ugh) and my uNPDm told me no less than 3 times last year that when she found out she was pregnant with me, she "cried and cried. Thought she was finally going to have a life after finally getting her 6th kid off to school"

Like with the age difference between me and my brother, and the age that my mother got pregnant with me, it doesn't take a genius to figure out I was an accident (I figured this out VERY early on in my life) , but why not just give me a paper cut and pour lemon juice on it Mother?