Why am I expected to call?

[Adria]

I have been estranged from my family for over 30 years.  Nobody called when my mom died, nobody called when they threw my son in the hospital, no body called when my close aunt died (close when I was younger). Nobody ever calls to tell me anything important.  Then I am shamed for not being at the funeral (at least that's what I've heard has been done behind my back.) 

However, now, when someone is on their deathbed, I suddenly get random texts from family members (not my immediate family) that I need to call and make amends before they die.  Whaaaat???  I'm not the one that ever did anything to hurt anyone. I was the scapegoat for my family and smeared to everyone in my hometown to the point that I left 20 years ago and moved across country because I had no way of defending myself and I couldn't deal with all the lies and pain.

I received a text today saying my aunt is on her deathbed with Hospice.  I replied how sorry I was (and I am).  Then I got a text saying, "Well, you know, you could call and talk to her!"  This is an aunt that I stayed in contact with for most of the years. Until, I found out she was a flying monkey.  We had the conversation that she acted like my friend but failed to even call when my own mother passed away (catering to my narc father).  Any way she asked me to forgive her, I said yes, but I severed the relationship after that.  I did forgive her, but found out she was stabbing me in the back after wards.  I hold no ill will, except that I'm sad I don't have family after all these years, and I cannot participate when the people I have loved pass away at funerals.  But, i don't feel like it is my place to call these people on their deathbeds.  (Even though, my heart would like to).

Anyway, I guess I just needed to get it out. Any ideas on this would be appreciated.     

[bloomie]

Adria - I am glad you shared this. Talk about a catch 22 situation. You are not told of your own mother's passing and then vilified for not attending a service you knew nothing about. You are told of your Aunt's grave illness and expected to phone her having no idea her condition and if you would be adding stress or difficulty to both of your lives. 

It is grace that decides to leave your last communication between you and this aunt with your forgiving her. That is what mature people do. When something is truly broken, like your trust of your aunt, and the relationship over, dramatic reentry is not going to do anything but serve up another dish of drama and opportunity to gossip and smear for those that refuse to behave respectfully toward you.

I can imagine the wounds this reopens and trust you are doing okay after this latest!

[Adria]

Dear Bloomie,

Thank you so much for your reply (a breath of fresh air).  I can't believe how this tears me up every time this happens. You would think after all these years, I would just get over it.  But, I had the best aunts and uncles, and cousins, at least that is what I believed growing up, and we were all very, very close. (Many fond memories.)  I can hardly stand it when I know everyone is together during these situations and funerals, and I can't be there.  Even my girlfriend from high school goes, it seems in my place, and then calls to tell me how great it was to see everyone  

When something is truly broken, like your trust of your aunt, and the relationship over, dramatic reentry is not going to do anything but serve up another dish of drama and opportunity to gossip and smear for those that refuse to behave respectfully toward you.

That is what I fear. I appreciate the confirmation.

I'm okay.  It's just that this is the third time in the last three months, so it's been a little difficult to catch my breath.  Maybe someday, I will toughen up.    

[Leonor]

Hi Adrian,

This was always a big emotional "get" in my family.

Even when I was not estranged, just away at college ... Usually the deceased was a great great auntie second removed, who met me once when I was four months old, and passed peacefully away in her sleep at 102 ... later some anecdote of the wake would be shared, followed by a big sigh and glance at me. "It would have meant a lot to (great great auntie second removed) to have you there." 

It's more painful for us when the person who passes is closer, especially immediate family, regardless of how much time has passed. Complex grief is so hard, and the loss of hope so painful, to have the sense that someone is going to take that loss and relish it as an opportunity to make you feel worse, well, it's just ... sick.


Adria, it's just more clarity around who these people are and how mean and empty their lives are. You can honor the good memories you have of your aunt and how important she was to you, and honor your grief around her loss.  You can trust that she will find consolation in her hospice carers and those around her. And your sadness about all of it is a testament to your own loving heart and sensitive spirit.

Nothing to "toughen up." Nothing to fix or change or get better at.

I'm sorry for your loss.

[Call Me Cordelia]

"But, i don't feel like it is my place to call these people on their deathbeds.  (Even though, my heart would like to)."

That's an interesting conflict right there. Why would it not be your place? That is, you don't have the right? And why would your heart like to call? What would you like the opportunity to say? Or maybe hope to hear?

I'm not saying you should call. I agree with Bloomie the whole thing seems like a big dramatic setup.

Perhaps a letter, sent or unsent, would help you, if you feel there is something to say? And maybe start blocking some more flying monkeys? Is there more to your relationship than  this?

I too have experienced uncannily similar reactions to missing family funerals when I was away at college. My uNM has a large extended family. She was close with them as a child, I never was at all. Anyway, her numerous aunts and uncles died off en masse one year. Truly, six funerals in one semester. Even my parents realized I couldn't possibly travel hundreds of miles to every one. And yet, le sigh. Poor me. Everyone else's children were there! 

This may be a horse of that color. Disordered family systems demand complete loyalty. Weddings and funerals and holidays bring it out. The facade wall needs a patch and paint job before it goes on public display. And the scapegoat release valve sure would be really handy at a time like this.

I hope you do whatever is best for you here. I agree, nothing to toughen up. That your heart is still soft after so much hurt in the past, that you are not simply angry and bitter, is a beautiful thing. You are a treasure.

[Adria]

Leonor,

It's more painful for us when the person who passes is closer, especially immediate family, regardless of how much time has passed.

And your sadness about all of it is a testament to your own loving heart and sensitive spirit.

Nothing to "toughen up." Nothing to fix or change or get better at.

Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful words. This is such a struggle for me. I always want to do the right thing, but it never seems there is a right thing. I always end up on the wrong side of the stick. Reading your words brought me tears of relief and clarity. 

[Adria]

Cordelia,

I guess in calling, there really is nothing to say or hear. It's more of just a feeling.  It's always what I wish vs. what is.  I've been invisible all my life, and I think, for me, death should negate all the bad stuff, but in my family that isn't the case.  For me, it seems that all hurts and meanness should take a back seat and everyone should come together and be kind when someone dies. However, my family's motto is, "We will take it to the grave." Whatever "it" is.  Usually, blaming me for their deplorable actions and way of life.

This may be a horse of that color. Disordered family systems demand complete loyalty. Weddings and funerals and holidays bring it out. The facade wall needs a patch and paint job before it goes on public display. And the scapegoat release valve sure would be really handy at a time like this.

Wow! That puts some things to light!!!

I agree, nothing to toughen up. That your heart is still soft after so much hurt in the past, that you are not simply angry and bitter, is a beautiful thing. You are a treasure.

I think I will send flowers to the funeral and leave it at that.

Thank you for your kind words. I really needed that today. Hugs, Adria

[moglow]

Adria, the "right thing to do" is whatever YOU decide is needed. If you need to reach out, do that. If it's better that you not open that door, then don't. Other people's opinions of us and our choices are honestly none of our business - that's all on them. The guilt trips? Theirs. The "you [somehow] need to be the bigger person"? Theirs. The "shoulds"? Also theirs. I'd probably have to bite my lip and just "thank you for letting me know" with the calls or texts, step away from the keyboard and let it lay there.

Your stuff is whatever you need so you can put it all down, for yourself. Your only true hoops are those you choose for yourself. Other people don't get to dictate that for you.

Peace to you, Adria.

[Adria]

Thank you Moglow,

Yup, always the bigger person, and it's never good enough.  I guess it's easier for everyone to keep telling me what I should do, that way they don't have to look at the truth. This last one really surprised me.  Never saw it coming from this person. May have to put this one in the flying monkey category.

Yes from now on, all I'm going to say is "Thank you," done.

I appreciate your thoughts and words of wisdom.  I feel much stronger this afternoon after reading these posts.  I sure do appreciate each and everyone of you. Hugs, Adria

[moglow]

For what it's worth, I think plenty fall into the flying monkey category and have not one whit of awareness that's what they're doing. I don't think it's necessarily malicious and some of them actually mean well. They just don't realize how hurtful it can be or what a difficult position you're already in.

[Adria]

I think you are right, Moglow.  This last one is a very kind, gentle person who I don't think would ever intentionally hurt me, but is clueless, however, most likely willfully clueless. The text was curt with an explanation point. Maybe I read too much into it, but I think that's why it hit me like a bomb.  He was the last one I would have expected it from, but still makes me question where this person is coming from. I know no explanation on my part will ever satisfy, so all I can do now is say, "Thank you." I may very well never hear from this person again because I didn't obey, but that might just be okay.  

[Catothecat]

This "Catch-22" situation you describe, Adria, is something I've gotten from my family for my entire adult life.  Even if I'm not told about a funeral (let alone someone was sick and in the hospital) I am somehow expected to by psychic and just "know" what's going.  The expectation is always on me, to be the one to keep in touch, to be the one to "ask" (as if asking if anyone is sick and in the hospital or has died is part of an average conversation!).

It seems no one feels an obligation to keep in touch with me, unless they want something.  Otherwise, I've been told (by my sister, directly, and for years by my mother, only less directly and more passively-aggressive) that since I was the one who moved away, I am to blame for any family dysfunction that affects me. 

I don't like falling into paranoid styles of thinking, but I've often wondered if much of this behavior was a subconscious attempt to keep me as the scapegoat--a role I'd played in childhood.  So often, no matter what I did, it wasn't the right thing.  The most obvious example was when my father died.  My parents lived almost on the other side of the country, and my mother said she wasn't having a funeral because she didn't want to make anyone feel responsible for all that traveling (no family except my sister lived where they did, and it seemed they had no friends).  Well guess what?  A month or so later my brother was planning to visit my mom so suddenly a "memorial" was scheduled.  Except--he and his wife were going to be staying with my mom in her small, 2-bedroom home, and there would be no place for me to stay with her (at the time I couldn't easily afford the expense of a hotel but my brother certainly could) and anyway, the day after the memorial they were all planning a trip on which I wasn't invited.  So, I don't go to the memorial and thereafter am periodically reminded how I didn't go to the memorial.

Catch-22.  Of course, in hindsight I think I see what I should've done, but then again, I know that somehow whatever action I had taken it would've somehow been the wrong one because that's how it's always been and that's how it will always be. Nothing I do will change their basic opinion of me, so after decades of trying, I finally stopped.

It's maddening and depressing and discouraging, until I realized it wasn't really all about me.  There is often way too much going on behind the scenes that you may be unaware of to ever get control of the situation, let alone deal with it in such a way that will satisfy others.  I got to the point where indeed, all I would say is, basically, "well okay, then," and let it go.  Let them think what they want because they're going to, anyway.

Big hug from someone who's been there multiple times!

[Adria]

Thank you Catothecat,

You nailed it!  The Catch-22 is what I have experienced all my life as well.  I've never figured out how it always ends up that I'm on the losing end no matter what I do.  Like you, it seems we are always trying to do the right thing, yet it is never the right thing.

I've been told (by my sister, directly, and for years by my mother, only less directly and more passively-aggressive) that since I was the one who moved away, I am to blame for any family dysfunction that affects me.

Wow! That's a good one, quite convenient and covers everything!

Some years back, even though my sister and my parents lived down the street from me, I had to go to the hospital for a serious surgery. I drove myself there and back as I didn't want to ask my family for help, because I knew they really didn't care.  I was pretty much incapacitated for the next couple of weeks, but I was growled at for not making a twice removed aun'ts funeral.  I said, "I couldn't make it because I was down from surgery."  That never mattered. The point was is that I wasn't there.

I like what you said about there being way too much going on behind the scenes that we are unaware of to ever get control of these situations. You can only imagine.  How everything always gets skewed to make them look like the victim and us the perpetrator is beyond me. But, they are so good at it.  I think after reading all these posts, I'm going to try to do like you and let them think and say what they want because no matter what I do it will never be good enough.

I really appreciate you taking the time to post and share your story. It really helps with perspective.

[Adria]

Update - I read in the obituaries that my aunt died yesterday.  I never received notification from anyone.

[Srcyu]

Adria,
I'm a latecomer to the party but I have one observation for you.
Their behaviour is a reflection of themselves, not you.
They are stewing in their own juice.

Hugs.

[moglow]

I'm so sorry Adria! 

I'd be hard pressed to not text the apparent flying monkey with "I've just learned aunt M has passed and I'm sorry for your loss. I wish you had told me instead of me finding her obituary. I thought better of you." And I'd probably send flowers to the service and quietly block the FM. She made her point.

We're here with you, always.

[Adria]

BlackCat,

Thank you so much for your kind words.


Moglow,

I just sent a text with exactly what you said.  I will send flowers as well. Am blocking this person as well.  Thank you for saying "We're here with you, always."  That means a lot today.  I feel totally numb as it is just one more assault from someone I thought might be on my side.

[Call Me Cordelia]

That stinks. I would be further tempted to send the biggest, most honkin' obnoxious bouquet of flowers there is, but don't let me lead you to waste your money. Everyone's point has been made. Nothing more to say here. That's so sad. What a legacy for the dearly departed. I truly am sorry for your loss. All of your losses.

[Boat Babe]

Hi Adria - no advice my dear but a massive hug from me. Is there no end to the damage that a PD family can inflict? Apparently not and I am so very sorry for the pain you are feeling. I would feel that too.  This is a reminder that you did the right thing in going NC and moving away. Although you have lost family members you love, you have gained a life for yourself. Had you stayed you would not be the person you are today and the damage would have been tenfold. Deep breaths, feel the love from our community and be very, very kind to yourself.

[Adria]

Cordelia,

Thank you for the advice on sending the most honkin' obonoxious bouquet of flowers.  That is exactly what I did yesterday. I bought a very expensive humongous standing on the floor spray. And, then, wondered if I had made a spectacle of myself.  I appreciate the confirmation when I looked at your post this morning. Thank you for everything. 

Boat Babe,

Thank you so much for your comforting words. Your post really made a big difference for me today. It's uncanny, the responses here and the confirmation.  I was looking at houses on line in my home town lately as I was feeling really homesick. This last episode really cinched it though, and made me think no way can I ever move back now. And, then, you posted:

This is a reminder that you did the right thing in going NC and moving away. Although you have lost family members you love, you have gained a life for yourself. Had you stayed you would not be the person you are today and the damage would have been tenfold.

Honestly, you people are the best there is in this world. Blessings, Adria