Not being thanked by an N for whom I did a lot of work

[countrygirl]

Hello,

Today I was thinking back about something which really angered me a few years ago.   "X," someone with whom I share an avocation, asked me to read her autobiography.  I agreed to read the first few chapters, and tell her whether I thought it worth pursuing.  I definitely did, so she then started sending me two or three chapters at a time.  Each time, I read and made suggestions for revision.  I even suggested the title of the book, which she chose to use.  After I read the book in first draft, she revised and asked me to read it again.  I would estimate that all of this work took  fifteen to twenty hours. (And I had a friend read it too, for his feedback.)  I was already positive about the work, and any suggestions I made were about making it better, not based upon negative criticism, in other words.

Then she asked me if she could send the book to my agent.  I contacted the agent, and she said she'd look at it.   But apparently she told the author that it was for a specialized group of readers, that she didn't think it would have mass appeal.  So she didn't take it.

There was already a publishing co. in the field of our avocation which said they'd take the book, so the author went with them.

I wondered when the book would appear.  Imagine my surprise when I found it on Amazon one day!  She hadn't told me when it would be published.  Then I had an even larger surprise:  I wasn't even mentioned in the acknowledgements page, but one of her other readers was.

And, just so you know, she did use the suggestions I'd made.  It wasn't as if she'd decided that I had harmed the book!

I told a mutual acquaintance about this, and she said,  "That is the way X has always been.  She is so entitled.  She just expects people to help her, and she doesn't thank them."  Of course she did thank the other reader...  But maybe that's someone who she thinks can help her in the future in some way, or maybe that person is very wealthy; she often hits up people to fund her projects.

At any rate, I was just thinking about this today.   X is truly full of herself (and she is quite accomplished), and maybe when my agent rejected her, she "retaliated" by not thanking me.  But I did all I could for her, including getting the agent to read the book:   I had no control over whether she took it.  You would think that X would have been appreciative of the many hours of unpaid effort I put in.  Oh well,  I hope I've learned my lesson, but whenever I think about this, it still stings.   Sometimes I read X's blog, which is totally about how wonderful she is, and I think,'Maybe you aren't quite as wonderful as you think.' 

Wish I didn't have this one in my memory bank!

[JollyJazz]

Hi Countrygirl,

Yikes, I'm sorry you had this bad experience. I think you are right to feel annoyed about this. You did a lot for this person, and the absolute minimum would be some thanks and an acknowledgement of what you have done.

I'm seeing a lot of PD red flags in the description of your acquaintance!
- Sense of entitlement / using others
- Blog (about herself + how great she is)
- Autobiography
- Attention seeking, focus on outer image

That sense of entitlement can be truly breathtaking. My guess is you are bang on about the reason friend got a nod and you didn't. My guess is also that she knew you are a good writer (and could well envy you), and wants to take that credit for herself (which might be another reason why she didn't acknowledge you). Whatever the reason, its not good.

I guess the silver linings are a reminder of what your acquaintance is like. You may want to avoid this person in future / grey rock them. It sounds like your own good nature was to assume that she was a reasonable person.

On the other hand, you could always use those good writing skills to write your own, juicy (and totally unauthorised) biography of her, and / or putting a bad review on her amazon page. Just kidding of course (but hey dreams are free  

[countrygirl]

Hi jollyjazz,

Your post cheered me up!   Thank you!

And I like your idea of writing about this person, or posting a negative Amazon review.   But I won't give in to that temptation!   However, a fictionalized, heavily disguised portrait of her might be a good idea, even if I'm the only one who ever reads it.  Might help me work through some of my feelings about this.  And she is an interesting person, if not a kind, considerate one.   

I agree that all of those characteristics were real red flags.  I didn't know that when I first got to know her, although I could see that she was narcissistic. 

Thank you again!

[JollyJazz]

No problem country girl!
I'm glad it made you feel better! I think a bit of harmless venting is a great thing  
I've been in a similar situations as well, so I hear you re: the frustration. And I don't think there is anything wrong with drawing inspiration from life, if its heavily disguised either...

Best wishes!

[clara]

The flip side of this is they ALWAYS expect thanks and appreciation for maybe even just looking at you!  And if you don't give it, you'll hear about it...

[SaltwareS]

That sense of entitlement can be truly breathtaking.

That is the crux of it. Your take was accurate, yet you had questions about it. Because it's a shocking level of entitlement and it leaves us momentarily stunned.

[1footouttadefog]

My spouse was recently feeling very poorly.  His eating was way off the hook gluttonous.  He was feeling bad and looking bad and one night I got my glucose meter out and checked him.  He was out of its range with high blood sugar.  I fed him a no carb meal and a few hours he registered a reading of 438.  Fast forward, it went down for two days over the weekend and I intended to get him to a Dr on Monday.  Sunday it went back up by more than 100 points and I took him to E.R. so someone else could tell him he is in a diabetic crisis and at risk.  He tells me on the way there he had left during church service and taken a soda he found in the church kitchen and "drank just a really small out,  not enough to matter". So it was not an emergency we could turn around and head home.

Nope, I took him anyway so someone else could let him know how serious it was.  And it was the right thing to do.  They gave him four bags of IV fluid and after two of them two shots of insulin to bring his blood sugar down.  They sent him home with metformin pills, a pamphlet and told him to get to his Dr. 

I know the drill and put him on a type II diabetic diet and in three days his fasting readings were 80-95 and two hours after a meal were 80-110 each time.  Three weeks past and he had already lost 15 pounds , felt and looked better, commented on how he has never before, lost weight and been able to eat a lot and not be hungry all day.  On the fourth week he started going to the gym to use an elliptical machine for 30 mins a day. Every meal we talk about the food combinations and the carb servings with me hoping he will learn over time  because this will be his life from now on.  After things were stable liked I started allowing him to trade carbs from one meal or snack for something he missed.  Example he wanted a big glass of chocolate milk, so I removed half his pasta, or one afternoon he got a couple of fresh baked cookies before bed.  He picked up on this idea real well and wanted to trade out all meal carbs for junk food. Then we had to retrain about nutritional quality and not just carb grams counting.  Additionally he started wanting  to drift into his old OCD pattern of dieting by watching calories alone and eating crappie little packages of snack foods and crackers and chips etc.  More time and conversations etc. 

He is back off the meds and the readings are good still.  He is telling everyone how much going to the gym is doing for him and that he just decided to cut out sodas and chips etc. 

Hmm, no thanks for me knowing what to do and cooking and monitoring his three 1/2meals/snacks and two full meals a day.  No thanks for caring enough to test his blood and take him to ER.  No thanks for talking with him and educating him on carbs and managing diabetes.   

He will see a Dr. next month, I will go along and ask that he be sent to diabetic training so this is his burden and he can take all of the credit for managing it. 

He will then be entitled to take credit, and I wish him well on managing it all.  My guess he will start doing things his old way and will be back on the pills and eventually a needle for insulin. 

I have learned not to be as codependent and not to care take for ever so he can be his ow. Master and take all the credit once he has had outside training from the pros.

[countrygirl]

Hi  clara, SaltwareS and 1footouttadefog,

Yes, clara, Ns certainly expect you to be overwhelmed if they do so much as tell you the time of day.   A lot of obnoxious people in general would be furious if you treated them as they so blithely treat you.  It's their lopsided version of the Golden Rule:  "Do not treat others as you would have them treat you."

SaltwareS, I was gobsmacked by this woman's behavior.   

1fooutouttadefog,   You were like the world's most attentive private nurse to your husband.  He is very fortunate to have such an intelligent and persistent wife.  Clearly his ego caused him to take all the credit for changing his lifestyle.   I think you're doing exactly the right thing in asking that he be given diabetic training, and in letting him be responsible for and taking credit for managing his own care.  I suspect, based on all you've written here, that he will have to resort to pills and eventually the needle for insulin.   He did not give you the credit you deserve.  He doesn't realize how lucky he is to have had your help.  But it is good that you realize it, and are now giving yourself the respect he should have given you.