Husband is dying and inlaws are crashing through boundaries

[ShyTurtle]

My hubs is only 45 and slowly dying from esophageal cancer. He's currently in the hospital after practically starving to death and having a feeding tube (peg tube) installed so he can get nutrients and calories in again. I've never been so stressed and heartbroken.

Enter upd inlaws (dad and stepmom) whom both have a notorious history of ignoring boundaries and meddling in hub's life.

I am questioning if I actually mentioned to them that hubs was not feeling up to visitors, pretty sure I did though. And hubs called them and told them himself too. Well, they just show up at the hospital whenever they feel like it. Hubs isn't up to visitors other than me.

With covid, visitors are allowed only 1 at a time and yet there was ol' dad suddenly yesterday while I was spending time with my husband. He's weird in that he demands confirmation that hubs is still alive and ok...it's clear his actions happen much more out of his needs than hubs'.

After I told hubs brother about it, he got involved yesterday and tried to ask them to respect hub's boundaries, and after that I got 4 missed calls and an angry voice mail late last night saying it was "urgent" that I call them back. I was too tired at that point to deal with their abusive shit.

I am so tired of dealing with pd people. So, so tired right now. So tomorrow I will have to defend my hubs against his overstepping dad and stepmom. The stepmom is a particularly evil person who scares the crap out of me for her history if meddling. This is so not what I need right now as I'm planning for hub's death.

[Boat Babe]

Dearest Shytirtle, my heart goes out to you in this unbelievably difficult time. The last thing you need is these awful people butting in. My only advice would be to speak to the hospital. Perhaps they can stop the inlaws from entering! Can other family members support you by being a human shield, so that you can spend precious time with your beloved husband? Holding you in my heart as you go through this. We are all here for you.

[Tinkerbell]

My hubs is only 45 and slowly dying from esophageal cancer. He's currently in the hospital after practically starving to death and having a feeding tube (peg tube) installed so he can get nutrients and calories in again. I've never been so stressed and heartbroken.

Enter upd inlaws (dad and stepmom) whom both have a notorious history of ignoring boundaries and meddling in hub's life.

I am questioning if I actually mentioned to them that hubs was not feeling up to visitors, pretty sure I did though. And hubs called them and told them himself too. Well, they just show up at the hospital whenever they feel like it. Hubs isn't up to visitors other than me.

With covid, visitors are allowed only 1 at a time and yet there was ol' dad suddenly yesterday while I was spending time with my husband. He's weird in that he demands confirmation that hubs is still alive and ok...it's clear his actions happen much more out of his needs than hubs'.

After I told hubs brother about it, he got involved yesterday and tried to ask them to respect hub's boundaries, and after that I got 4 missed calls and an angry voice mail late last night saying it was "urgent" that I call them back. I was too tired at that point to deal with their abusive shit.

I am so tired of dealing with pd people. So, so tired right now. So tomorrow I will have to defend my hubs against his overstepping dad and stepmom. The stepmom is a particularly evil person who scares the crap out of me for her history if meddling. This is so not what I need right now as I'm planning for hub's death.

Dear ShyTurtle,

Im so sorry to read this. This must be extremely hard.
I just want to give you strength. You can do this!!! You are strong, stronger than you think.
Your parents in law have to respect their sons (last) wishes, they have to!!! I dont know if its best to answer their call in this one. Maybe just send a text that you´re too tired and all your energy goes to your husband right now. 

I wish you all the best and a lot of love beautiful human being!

[bloomie]

ShyTurtle - I am so sorry to hear of this unbelievably painful journey you and your DH are on. These are precious and vital days together and your desire to protect and keep further disruption and demands away from you is very wise. I hope your dear one is well enough to come home soon.

You do not have to allow scary people up close and you do not have to return demanding phone calls and messages if you do not feel up to it. Ever.

Tinkerbell's suggestion of a text - one time only - is a good one restating DH request is for no visitors at this time or simply do not respond until/if you are ready. Or as previously stated, live your boundary and let the calls go to voice mail until you DH says he is ready for extended family to visit.

Is your bil, who intervened before, an advocate who will stand strongly with you and speak for you and your DH right now and reiterate the limit of no visitors?

I faced my in laws complete disrespect for my own DH's desires while recovering from a sudden, life threatening illness and recovery, and I admit I did not have the wherewithal to hold the line and they ran all over me, especially in the Hospital and ICU, but even extended to our home for a bit. It added So. Much. Stress. to an already difficult time. 

Not the same situation as all that you are facing of course, but just to say I can imagine how completely focused your resources and personal space are toward your DH. I can say that my in law's behaviors during that time was such a revelation of their entitlement and level of self absorption it truly ended the relationships for me and shifted the level of contact I would have with them that still stands.

How people handle themselves during a loved one's dire illness, how they treat their family member's requests and their adult child's family members cannot be unseen.

Sending you strength and love and so much wisdom as you continue to cherish this time and honor your DH as you are. When you are able, let us know how you both are doing.

[SunnyMeadow]

Your parents in law have to respect their sons (last) wishes, they have to!!! I dont know if its best to answer their call in this one. Maybe just send a text that you´re too tired and all your energy goes to your husband right now.   

I like the idea of spending them a text also, I wouldn't want to talk to them.

ShyTurtle, my thoughts are with you as you navigate this difficult time. And that it's being made so much worse by his parents is terrible.  To hear that your husband also told them that he's not up to visitors and they blasted right through his wishes is simply awful. It really shows their true character.

Push them off onto anyone you can and block their numbers. They are the very last thing you need to be dealing with.  ♥

[Starboard Song]

ShyTurtle,




I am simply too sorry. You and hubs both deserve so much better. It is just too big for little words on the internet. Godspeed to you both.

I suspect that the hospital can enforce a visitors policy for you. Please consider asking them to do so. Neither you nor hubs should have to enforce a visitor policy at this time.

Remember your goal: it is peace and quiet for you and hubs. If getting them frequent updates so they don't feel cut out will help you get peace and quiet, I'd suggest finding a way to get them those updates, hopefully through a third party like your BIL. If he cannot serve, perhaps a dear friend will do so, and you can block them out from your own world until this transition has passed. What you least need is a daily battle over information and visits, so remember that goal.

I wish you so much strength. It is so important that your heart be with hubs right now, and now angry and fire dealing with this. We are here, total strangers, caring about you and sharing your human story. That is worth something special. It means all the normal people around you are like us: caring, and sharing, and wanting the best for you and hubs.

Be good. Be strong.

[Andeza]

I've got no further advise to offer, just sending hugs and strength.

[Starboard Song]

Dear ShyTurtle. I am so sorry that you've had such little time with hubs. You two found each other, though. And now you are doing some of the most important work we all ever do in our lives. I am sorry you are having to do it so soon and so young. That isn't right.

I hope you have loving people to draw around you, and to help you and hubs both transition with healthy hearts.

Hugs.

[Writing My Own Story]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. This kind of care for your husband is a horrible gift. The time you have together is precious and I would hate to think of you wasting it on people who don't appreciate the bond you have with your husband.

The hospital absolutely has a visitor policy. Talk to your nurse and let her know that hubs' family is not welcome (maybe have hubs tell them himself that he's not interested in any visitors) and if you were my patient I promise you that we would drag ourselves through fire keeping the inlaws away from the bedside. This time with him is a privilege that they do not get to enjoy. Elect one person to give out information to, tell the nurse that it's only that one person, and do not answer calls from anyone else. I have told many family members that I'm only giving out info to one person and if they have questions they need to get them to the elected family member.

Hugs for you while you face this challenge.

[Amadahy]

Tenderest condolences, ShyTurtle.  I am so sorry. 

[JollyJazz]

Dear ShyTurtle,

Just sending you a big warm hug 

I'm so so sorry to hear about what your husband and you are going through.

I don't know what to say, just sending support and kindness from across the seas. I wish you can have peave and as comfortable a situation with your loved one.

Please reach out if you need any kind of support at any time . We are all here for you
- our little tribe supporting you and sending love xx 

[Brooke]

I'm so sorry to hear what you and your husband are going through, and at such a young age. The last thing you need is to deal with his parents - who ignores the wishes of a dying man? It is the ultimate in selfishness. I hope your brother-in-law can continue to run interference for you. You should be allowed to focus on nothing else than your husband.

[Adria]

So sorry Shy Turtle, 

[blues_cruise]

I'm so sorry you're in this scenario, ShyTurtle. The last thing you need at a time like this is PDs pushing you and your husband's boundaries. It's not fair and my thoughts and heart go out to you both. 

After I told hubs brother about it, he got involved yesterday and tried to ask them to respect hub's boundaries, and after that I got 4 missed calls and an angry voice mail late last night saying it was "urgent" that I call them back. I was too tired at that point to deal with their abusive shit.

This is so understandable, it's hard enough dealing with people like that at the best of times. I'm glad that your brother in law is aware and supportive of your husband's boundaries. Please know that you don't have to call these people back if you don't have the bandwidth right now. The focus should rightly be between you and your husband, not them. 

[Leonor]

Dear ShyTurtle,

I'm sending you and your dh a superhero impenetrable energy wall that keeps you safe and quiet on the inside with your precious dh  and repels all weird and icky IL energy out into the stratosphere. 

I'm so sorry for this heartwrenching experience. Thinking of you both.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yes you are both in my thoughts and prayers!

Please do leverage hospital staff running interference as much as possible. This is most importantly time for you and DH. The ILs will matter less and less to you.

[ShyTurtle]

Hi Everyone, thanks for all of the supportive messages, they have really helped to validate my feelings on matters. Here's an update:

So hubs is still on the paliative care path, and he was discharged from the hospital with a peg tube. Esophageal cancer is terrible in that it makes it impossible to swallow food or drink. So now he's at home getting a special formula pumped directly into his stomach while going in for daily radiation treatments over the next couple of weeks.

What happened with the in laws:
They called and left messages for hubs and me, and he called and left some back. I just can't take any more emotionally/psychologically damaged and stunted adults. I have enough to deal with already.

If only I could have sent a text message. These are technologically ignorant (younger) seniors. I know they can use things but conveniently lose things like Facebook passwords and dont bother setting up a new one. They are well aware of the updates I put out to a private Facebook group in which they are members. So beyond that exhibition of feined ignorance, using the cell phone to text likely isn't going to happen either. It's got to be their own special way of receiving information or in their mind, we never sent it to them and are deliberately excluding them, which couldn't be further from the truth.

[SunnyMeadow]

You certainly don't have to worry about them, especially since they choose to be technically ignorant seniors. Perhaps they could have learned the simple task of texting during this difficult time, for crying out loud.

Enough about them, I'm glad your hubs is home now. Thinking about you and continuing to send you and your dh good thoughts and best wishes.