Called the cops on her neighbors

[Danie]

So a week ago my mother called my very upset because her neighbor put a bag of garbage in her trash can which was on the curb ready for pickup. It was from a family of 10 that lives right across the street in a dense residential neighborhood. She has been bragging about how the 2 little boys that live there visit her; how cute they are. She is on a first name basis with them and they have shoveled the snow off her walk a couple of times.
Mom asked me for my advice about the the trash bag in her can. She exaggerated (I'm pretty sure) because things didn't make sense. She said she called the garbage company and they were going to charge her $30.00 for the extra bag. I told her she had a couple of options: go talk to the neighbors, make it fit, put it in the garage til next week.
She really didn't want my advice after all and called the police! These are the only people in the neighborhood that she talks to. She already fatally damaged the relationship of 20 years next door.
So the cops showed up and dug through the trash and went across the street to talk to them. I told my mother that was a horrible mistake and don't expect them to ever be nice to you again. Her version is that she is a "81 year old disabled widow" and they were taking advantage of her. She can't afford $30.00 extra dollars for their trash and for some reason she wasn't able to walk over there.

I am convinced, wherever she goes or lives for the rest of her life she will never have friends or relationships again.

[StayWithMe]

I hope your mother learns to deal with others before she departs this world.  I can understand the problem with a $30 charge.  She could have used that as an opportunity to get to know the other people in the house and to repeat what you said her concerns were about the money.  Not to mention --paranoid me-- someone else's kids dropping by when the parents haven't met the adult yet could be a recipe for disaster.

I hope things work out for your mother.  Maybe due to her age the county or whoever deals with trash can find a reason to make her costs an exception.

[Danie]

I think she made up the $30.00 charge. Maybe they would charge that for an extra can-full. My mother is like that, she makes up details that make the whole thing worse. I bet her can had room and the neighbors thought it was ok due to their growing friendship. I do agree they should have asked or she should have stopped over there.

I think the neighbors already think she's strange. A month ago after a snowfall mom had 3 different people show up to shovel or snowblow. She lined them all up because she wants things done right away. She ended up turning 2 of them away. She used the 2 boys across the street and claimed she paid them $15.00 each. The next snowfall they showed up again and she told me she told them she couldn't pay them. I asked her if she told them before they shoveled? She said she did, but they shoveled it anyway. I don't believe her...I bet she told them after the fact. Anyway, they did shovel and she gave them a bottle of apple juice from the food shelf!!!

What? I told her I thought that was terrible and cheap, that kids need money. She said, "they don't care".
She is really out of touch and I hope the 2 boys stay away.

[Danie]

Over the last couple weeks she said she cut her leg with her fingernail while pulling on a pair of socks. She didn't try to clean it at home, but she ended up going to the ER a total of 3 times over it! The first time they put her on an antibiotic. A few days later she went back because she didn't think it was healing....it was. A third time because it still hurt. Then she had a fourth doctor visit over it...just to be sure. He gave her some Bacitracin so she "didn't have to come back". It seems that she imagines things. She must've imagined something terrible was going to happen to her.
I think there are some similarities to calling the cops. She feels so victimized and powerless; to the point of delusional thinking.

[FogDawg]

She really didn't want my advice after all and called the police! These are the only people in the neighborhood that she talks to. She already fatally damaged the relationship of 20 years next door.
So the cops showed up and dug through the trash and went across the street to talk to them. I told my mother that was a horrible mistake and don't expect them to ever be nice to you again. Her version is that she is a "81 year old disabled widow" and they were taking advantage of her. She can't afford $30.00 extra dollars for their trash and for some reason she wasn't able to walk over there.

Crazy. It is not worth the time or breath to even offer an opinion, when it is guaranteed that it will not be of value to a person like that; they already have a plan in that messed-up melon of theirs - whichever will cause the most drama.

[freedom77]

This sounds typical of borderline behavior. They always sabotage themselves and others, so they truly do end up alone, a self-fulfilled prophecy. My borderline mother always says she's been abandoned, but the truth is she has alienated herself from everyone because of her pattern of hurtful and trouble-creating behaviors.

I agree with you that the additional charge is bogus story-telling. I don't believe any garbage company would charge $30 bucks for a single bag of garbage. In fact, they probably wouldn't charge a cent. Where I live I paid about $30 every THREE months for ongoing service, twice weekly service at that. The neighbors probably put their bag in her can thinking it's no biggie because of the burgeoning friendship, and well because... it really is no biggie, so long as the bag fit in the can and the lid was placed on top tightly.

Borderlines always accuse others of "having some kind of nerve" and perceive themselves as the victim in every single scenario, even the most mundane situation. I wonder if your mother spotted them placing the bag in her can, and thought to herself, "what nerve!" and then decided to start some drama, further alienating herself from others.

The only time I feel a reasonable person would have a problem with others putting garbage in their can would be if doing so did in fact lead to an extra monetary charge, or if they didn't put the lid on tight and animals ripped the bag apart causing a mess for them to clean up (happens a lot where I live). Then I could see legitimate annoyance.

Sounds like mom is self-sabotaging.

[NumbLotus]

I would not be annoyed about the bag, but it would be her prerogative to have a boundary that this is her can and they are not to use it.

The way she handled it was destructive, though.

Freedom77, I agree with your assessment of the situation. I also wondered if a trigger might have been feeling taken advantage of. I know a histrionic/dependent type who is docile and childlike but will explode in a rage if she feels like waitstaff or a neighbor is taking advantage of her. I suspect she has good reasonin her childhood to be sensitive to that but her radar for it is off (sees this problem where it doesn't exist or has a greatly exaggerated sense of a minor infraction) and she handles it very poorly (tantrums instead of calmly asking for the manager or whatever).

[p123]

Yep seen this with Dad. Everyone is out to get him or con him....

Health stuff. Jeez. "I've paid taxes all my life so they can do as I say" (Note I'm in the UK so all healthcare is free - and doesnt it half cause an entitlement problem with people wasting resources!)

[NumbLotus]

"Gasp - There goes Mr. Smith. I heard he paid his taxes all his life."

"You have got to be kidding me! Are they even doing enough for that poor man?"

[p123]

"Gasp - There goes Mr. Smith. I heard he paid his taxes all his life."

"You have got to be kidding me! Are they even doing enough for that poor man?"

EXACTLY. With Dad he thinks it gives him the right to have whatever he demands!

[clara]

My grandmother, who had some type of mixed PD, would routinely develop expectations of those who came into her orbit (i.e., doing things for her even though she would never do anything for them) and then when they'd fail in those imagined or outsized expectations, would be swiftly kicked to the curb.  That included her daughter and her own grandchildren.  So...while my mom isn't PD, she picked up enough fleas to cause her to never develop relationships with people outside of the immediate family.  She would be nice and pleasant to them when they were in front of her face, and would A-Okay as long as they were doing things she approved of (such as helping her in some manner), when they weren't around or when they disappointed her she'd find reason after reason to criticism them.  She'd then eliminate them from her life as much as possible (easier to do with friends and neighbors) to the point where she's lived most of her life without friends or close relationships except with us (her children and husband).  No one else was good enough, even my aunts and uncles, cousins etc. They were all, to some extent, terrible, awful people.  She never went to the extent of finding enough fault with them to do things like calling the police, but my grandmother most definitely would have.  She was also always looking for a reason to sue someone.  Everyone was out to get her, was up to no good.  That she passed these fleas onto my mother is really sad, but my mom could never connect my grandmother's behavior with a psychological disorder.  Instead, she looked for reasons behind what my grandmother did, refusing to connect the dots, so automatically engages in similar behavior without thinking about what she's really doing.  There's no helping her, since she doesn't see anything in her that needs help.   

[Kiki81]

Yes. Their lives are under their control. They wreck all their 'relationships,' by choice. There is nothing you should or can do about it.

Make *your* relationships strong. Forget about hers.

[TriedTooHard]

I've seen this same sort of behavior on the community Facebook pages in my area. 

Some folks who aren't even elderly like to use these pages to publicly shame the locals, especially the local youth.  I suspect they've probably already fatigued the local police and other officials, so they resort to those pages to vent.  Many times, they openly discuss that their aim is to publicly shame people and ruin education and job prospects.  The admins and moderators have quite a task to prevent them from naming minors.

It is helpful to know which local parents are resorting to this behavior, so I can be prepared if my kid ends up involved in anything remotely near these people.  I am a silent lurker, though.  Its not worth it to get into an argument with these people.  Sometimes, other folks will try and reason with them on-line, but they soon realize its a lost cause.  The uPDs usually end up picking apart their grammar and spelling.  I did like one man's response to this - he said he was too busy juggling his beer bottle while driving and typing on his phone.  Passive agressive?  Maybe, but I found it funny.  Of course, the uPDs did not understand this joke and took him literally. 

[Adrianna]

Sounds like borderline personality, very similar to my grandmother.

Calling the cops on things that don't warrant it, including on her neighbors. Her neighbor parked a boat on the lawn close to her property. She decided it was going to fall on her house, which was never going to happen. There was a tree between the boat and the house to prevent that.  She called the town hall, police and a surveyor. Even wanted to start a neighborhood petition, then claimed she wasn't trying to stir up trouble. Right.

Several trips to dr over a trivial thing, a cut not healing, etc. is a catastrophe for her.  Using medical issues however minor to get attention and sympathy. Very little patience at hospital, expects to be treated first, no concern or even awareness of other patients.

Treating people like servants.

Storytelling so you never know if you're getting the truth.

Wondering why people avoid her and falling into pity parties over awful she is treated by others while 99% of the time being oblivious to the fact that she treats people like garbage.

[Danie]

Everyone, thank you. Your responses and similar examples were so very helpful to me. It was so insightful that she possibly saw the neighbor put the bag into the can, I never thought of that. Also, something must've occurred where the neighbor felt it would be ok.

This weekend was another drama filled weekend with her again! it's not even worth the time to tell the story. I almost took her to the ER Saturday morning, but my sister talked me out of it. She has swollen legs but won't take care of herself....same old story.

She has caused problems all over the place my entire life.

[Danie]

Now she wants me to go to the doctor with her on Friday. She asked if I could adjust my work schedule to go.

She is so manipulative. I don't want to at all! She only lives a couple blocks from it and can get there herself. When I asked her why she didn't answer so I asked her again. She said she wanted me to hear what he has to say. In other words she wants to suck me into her drama and be a player. She had a mild heart attack about 5 years ago and now has swelling in her legs. She claims she doesn't know why (maybe she doesn't) but she doesn't do the things she's supposed to like elevate her legs. She claims it's too uncomfortable. She has an excuse for everything.....all the things she's supposed to do for her health.

Her sister was a heart surgeon and has advised her as well and she won't take her advice either. I have to tell her no.