The Myth of "Grandchildren will change your nparent."

[sunofanarc]

My wife and I had our first little one nearly two years ago now and this was a line we heard from countless friends. I have also seen this sentiment come up here from time to time. This is a complete farce. If anything, it allows the Nparent to slide deeper into the victim role in their minds. They will use your children to guilt you into giving up the boundaries you have fought tooth and nail for.

If you are expecting and you have a toxic parent, set healthy boundaries and do what is best for you and your child. My ndad doesnt see our daughter. He plays the "woe is me. Why can't I see her?" card but I know I am healthier and my child is safer without him in our lives. Stay strong friends and trust your instincts*.

*I am writing this as we are expecting our 2nd and I am reminding myself of this as much as anyone.

[Call Me Cordelia]

 

They abused *you* as a child, with no remorse to date. Why would your kid be any different to them?

Congratulations, and boundary on.

[LifeIsWorthLiving]

If anything, grandchildren will bring out even more aggressive qualities of your nparent. Here are just a few things my parents have done to their grandchildren: Showing up to the house (in another state) uninvited and unwelcome, sending unsolicited gifts with cards that bemoan the fact they don't see the grandchild more often, commenting on a grandchild's weight, suggesting to other family members that they think the child is being abused (completely unfounded, but on this forum I don't think that will come as a surprise), discussing conflicts they are having with the parents with the grandchild, the list goes on. If you keep your children away from your nparents, you are not being mean. You are protecting your children from abuse.

[FromTheSwamp]

What I would like to ask those people who put forward that dangerous idea: "Do you think there was something wrong with me as a little child that made them abuse me?  Or that it's a part of who THEY are?"

[all4peace]

FromTheSwamp, that's such a useful question! It seems so obvious now that I read it, and yet I never asked myself that. My parents had full access to my kids until my kids were teens. I don't know if I didn't see abuse that was happening, or if the circumstances simply didn't bring out my parents' abusive behavior (as in, they weren't responsible for the care of my kids). Regardless, they're certainly not being healthy grandparents at this point in time, once DH and I tried to set even the simplest of boundaries. I would agree that anyone who had abusive parents should be very, very careful and boundaried if they choose to allow a relationship between their own children and their parents. And please never forget that the #1 responsibility of parents is to our children, not to our parents.

[Hazy111]

Once theyre older they can become a great source of "narc supply", so they do have their uses. 

[sunofanarc]

What I would like to ask those people who put forward that dangerous idea: "Do you think there was something wrong with me as a little child that made them abuse me?  Or that it's a part of who THEY are?"

I LOVE this question!!

[moglow]

 

I dont believe someone magically becomes "better" with a new generation, no. I think there might be a change of tactic if the old ones no longer work. I believe there would be a bigger tendency to play the poor neglected grandparents card. There could even be a change where there's a hard push to create perfect relationship with the grandchildren. Or, they could be like my mother and no indicator whatsoever that she has grandchildren unless/until it serves her in some way.

Parents have the rights abd esponsibility to do whatever they absolutely feel is best for their family. If that means cutting out poisonous and damaging people - including grandparents - so be it.

[Andeza]

Everything here is an excellent reminder, thank you all. My uBPDm will be meeting DS for the first time at Thanksgiving. We have firm boundaries, a game plan, and are walking in with eyes wide open.

She's already pulling the woe is me/poor grandmother card because *she* hasn't been out for a visit. Gee, wonder why I don't feel bad about that? 

[11JB68]

I feel like my uPDm and my uOCPDh both got worse after ds was born.

[Fortuna]

 

I feel like my uPDm and my uOCPDh both got worse after ds was born.

I noticed the behavior of my mom way more after I was parenting myself than  when I was simply on my own. (After my dad died it got even worse. I think for his married life he took the brunt of it) A grandchild is a new thing for them to fight over and it's the ONE thing you are going to protect so it's often where the FOG begins to lift. I wish I had realized what was going on with my mom before I had kids so I could have more boundaries from the beginning. The, I could either have a better working relationship with her where the boundaries were in neon titanium or we could have chose to go no contact before the kids had skin in the game. Currently it means we are at a point where she strides over a boundary and I go  and scramble to set firmer more obvious boundaries and adding another v onto VLC.