Progress, a possible diagnosis, and time for an ultimatum, but how?

[Sadhubby]

I have been doing well lately and my therapy is progressing really fast. I'm getting more confident in myself and in the handling of the PDw. I have explored some experiences that make me vulnerable to manipulation by PDs, in particular likely having an NPD mother. My therapist also put forward his anecdotal assessment of my wife's condition as OCPD, rather than BPD as I suspected. This has all been really helpful and I'm feeling much stronger.

There have also been two very peaceful, even loving weeks. This has helped me recover some strength. I stayed alert but could dropped my guard slightly. Unfortunately, I stopped recording mornings, which was a mistake.

And then, two days ago, there was a total meltdown. Screaming, swearing, and hitting with serious force while I was carrying out infant son. To everyone here who warned me that my wife is dangerous, I didn't agree at first, but now I see clearly that you were right and something must be done immediately.

I disclosed my situation to a close friend, i refuse to do this alone anymore. They have been totally supportive. I spoke with am attorney who reassured me of my rights to equal parental responsibility.

Now it's time for a confrontation. I plan to use what happened two days ago and since to present my wife with an effective ultimatum. I want her to go to couples therapy with me. There is clearly there no way she can control hersel amd needs professional help. There will be no further tip toeing around her or doing her bidding to preserve the peace. If she doesn't respect my boundaries, she's going to hit a cold hard wall.

What's the ultimatum: she must collaborate and seek help or from now on i will treat her precisely as a person that behaves this way should be - held at a distance and firmly prevented from infringing on boundaries. No more enabling her, no more fixing her.

Can anyone offer some advice on how to go about this conversation?

[thelastconfessor]

I wish I knew, I'm trying hard to set boundaries myself with a likely BPD partner. But what I have been reading says be very specific about the action that is unacceptable and be very specific about consequences. If she's hitting you say if you hit me again I will end the relationship by getting a divorce. Just as an example. It can be harder to hold somebody to getting treatment because treatment of any medical illness goes up and down, and even therapists may not be a good fit, at least in my experience. But you can hold her to specific actions. If she calls you names, if she yells at you at the top of her lungs, if she lies... Come up with what you think should happen in these scenarios and be prepared for her to test the boundaries hard.

[Sadhubby]

Thanks @thelastconfessor, that puts it quite plainly.

Update: my wife has agreed to therapy, unexpectedly. I'm not sure why, but i see it as a positive step.