Navigating the Work lunch/happy hour

[Pinkos]

I've been at my job for many years. I have been miserable that whole time. I won't bore you with the details. I've accepted that it's my responsibility to change and move on from this job. In the meantime, I have decided to play nice and get along. For a long time I was frustrated and somewhat antagonistic with my boss/colleagues. There are a lot of behaviors at work that cause me to feel excluded and sort of bullied. My frustrated stance didn't help matters and I felt that if I was going to stay I had to play nice and if it's just that unbearable I needed to just quit.

Anyway, I'm still here. In my new attitude, I decided to make an effort to attend the once a year holiday dinner or happy hour. I decided I needed to do this to feel less excluded. And it's been fine. Nothing terrible. The issue is that it happens when I'm on vacation so I come in on my vacation time. I usually save my vacation till the end of the year and then it ends up that I can take basically the whole month of December off.

Well every year my boss makes a big deal of this. I don't know why. Let me be clear - it's not because of work. I am not busy at all. But even if I was, they all take their vacation time throughout the year and others pick up the slack. Everyone decides when to take their vacation. I end up feeling guilty by this yearly ritual where he has this convo with me. It's the exact same convo each year. And he brings it up in the context of this holiday happy hour that he wants me to attend. When I was in my F U mindset I never attended. My excuse was I was out on vacation. But the last couple years I would come in just for the happy hour/dinner. So I said I would do it again this year when he started this ritual again a couple days ago. I also said I would check email from time to time while I was out since it was a long time.

Now I'm feeling resentful. Why do I need to do this? And why does he make a big deal out of it? Does he make others feel bad for taking their vacation? I doubt it! The rest of the year we barely have anything to say but hi and bye. Our relationship is awkward. He'a not a good manager and has boundary issues. He doesn't do any other things to build a team like environment. But this one happy hour is supposed to be soooo important apparently esp for me! I just tolerate him and don't want to rock the boat for my own sake. But now I'm wondering why I've decided to do this - coming to this happy hour on my vacation time. If it's that important to him, he can move it up to accommodate me. Clearly me taking my vacation is inconvenient to when he wants to do this holiday happy hour and he's made it my problem.

I don't want to be petty/reactive but I also feel like this is really unfair. And I'm feeling singled out again. He does this thing where if I call out sick (maybe once or twice a year) by email he never responds saying "feel better" but he does it for everyone else who calls out or has car trouble or whatever. That also bugs me. I just feel like he picks on me and I don't want to go along with that.

Anyway just looking for some perspective on this. Thanks for reading this far!

[Catothecat]

When I encountered issues like this at my workplace, I tried to view them through the lens of cost-benefit.  If it cost me more than it benefitted me, it was a no.  But if the benefit outweighed the cost, I would go ahead regardless of my personal feelings. Once I stopped worrying about what everyone else thought and devoted my energies to what was best for me, taking into account all the variables, things generally worked out for the positive.  It seems you are already doing this, Pinkos.  Does it seem to be working generally in your favor?

Since you admit you've had an antagonistic relationship with others in the past, could your manager still be reacting to this?  It could be that, if he can't do anything else, he can at least try to make sure you add to the image of group cohesiveness and how well everyone gets along.  It's a PR stunt.  If you're a "hold-out" it makes him look bad.  Same way he tries to look good by his solicitous behavior towards others who call in sick.

You admit that in the past you've used being on vacation as the reason to avoid these parties, so it makes sense that your manager would suspect you were doing this.  But he also might believe that you deliberately take vacation this time of year to avoid the parties.  So in that case, your reasons for taking vacation when you do doesn't matter.  To him, it's what he believes that matters, and his bugging you about it is his way of acting on his beliefs.  He does seem to be taking it somewhat personally, and there's not much you can do about that (if anything).  So again, what are the costs/benefits of doing what he wants as opposed to doing what you want? 

   

[Pinkos]

@catothecat Thanks for your thoughts. It is helpful as I think through this.

I've left out a lot of details for the sake of brevity. I'm not an antagonistic person in general but I have felt backed into a corner at this job. I've felt demeaned and picked on. I gave the example of my boss responding to everyone who is sick by saying "feel better" etc but not doing that for me. And there are other examples like this on a day to day basis.

But as you picked up - I have made an effort to just ignore a lot of bs to lower the tension and uncomfortableness with him. It has helped. But that doesn't mean I want to lay down and be a doormat either. I want to find a balance. That's what I'm struggling with on this issue. My sense is that he will continue to make me feel like I have to continually prove myself by testing me in this way.

I think you're right he wants that "cohesiveness" atmosphere for PR purposes. He also wants to feel like he's a good boss etc. I have worked hard to reduce my defensiveness to his thoughtlessness and boundary issues.

Oh and I am not taking my vacation around this time just to avoid the happy hour/dinner. It just works out that way and I'm ok with missing it. The rest of the year I attend any lunches. But if that's what he thinks it doesn't make a difference, you're right. And he's right if he senses that I'm relieved to miss it cause they are boring and uncomfortable for me. Maybe that's what's bugging him - he sees it as a rejection? But I'm a support person in this small dept and he and the others do not make an effort to engage me and talk amongst themselves. Me and another support person just sit there and listen for the most part and chime in here and there. They're all married with kids and that's often the topic - the children. I'm single, no children. Or they talk shop - things I don't know about usually so i ask questions. It's not a fun party! It's just sitting at a table and making small talk.

I think no matter what I do it will never be cozy for me at this job. The impressions on both sides are set and there's no undoing it. I can not help the way I feel towards him and my resentment at being treated poorly. And he will resent me for not being a "team player." My main goal is to get through the day with as little agita as possible. I work on being pleasant on a day to day basis. I don't want to be constantly hustling for his approval though. It really bothered me that he flat out asked me to come in on my vacation day for this lunch. I feel like this is a boundary issue and if I give in on this what else am I going to be asked to give in on to "prove" I'm a team player?

[Pinkos]

From his perspective, I'm sure he doesn't see anything in his behavior as thoughtless or rude etc. He's a hands off boss, which has pros and cons but mostly cons. And he probably thinks I have no reason to complain. That I get to have an easy paycheck and that he lets me do whatever I want. He probably sees me as having a "bad attitude" and being "difficult." And this is of course a painful dynamic for me on an emotional level due to my upbringing. I am not difficult and I don't have a bad attitude. I don't respond well to men in authority who act entitled and have very little consideration for others. But he doesn't see himself that way at all I'm sure of it! He thinks he's cool and easy going. So I must be the one with the problem in this situation. And everyone else plays along but I know they don't like him either! I don't play along as easily so I'm the problem!

That's why I'm putting on the act and playing along just to get through the day. But now he's asking for more and it's got my back up again. And you know what, he's not stupid he knows it's an act and that I can't stand him! Ha! He knows I'm critical of him and find him lacking as a leader/manager. So this will never resolve comfortably. It's always going to be tense between me and him. It's a personality clash! And it's very difficult to work for a boss you just do not respect! I'm just trying to figure out what's the right balance for me until I leave.

[Leonor]

Hi Pinkos,

Oh I hate happy hours, whether I like my job or not.

I just am very protective of boundaries. I don't want to be friends with work people. I happen to have a good job where I genuinely like the people on my team, and I still hate happy hour.

We're not friends. If I get fired, are they going to protest? Are they going to rally? Help me find another job, or tell me I'm better off without them, or listen to me vent my worry and frustration? Yeah, no ... They're going to go about their business, at most think, oh that's too bad, Leo was always nice, or even, wow, better Leo than me!

And they shouldn't. We're not friends.

Also, what am I going to say? No I'm not going home for the holidays, my mother hasn't spoken to me in 15 years? No, I'll just have a soda water, I have a tendency to abuse alcohol under stress? Yes, I have a bunch of step and half siblings because my parents got divorced and remarried 5 times between them before I was 21? No, I'm not sick, I'm having an emotional flashback because my goal every year is to make it from Thanksgiving to New Year's Day without having a major depressive episode? Or actually, I hate happy hours because like so many women of the pre me too generation I was exploited and harassed and abused by older men at almost every single place I worked well into my 20s?

Yuck! Hate happy hour!

And now there's this new thing about creating engagement and getting to know each other as people and collaboration and team building and bring your genuine self to work and just 

I think it's all part of a strategy to make us all ignore that fact that our salaries aren't keeping up with inflation while CEOs are making gazillions. Hey, I can barely afford daycare, but the happy hours make it all worth it!

And if you have an emotionally ignorant supervisor (I refuse to use "immature" here, because if you're a boss being emotionally intelligent is a job requirement, you can learn it) the happy hour becomes a tool to control people in their free time.

This last time, I stayed and worked through it. Oh you all go have a good time just want to finish up this project ...

What are the job protections in your country? Is it legal for your boss to insist you do work related activities (ie, work) during your vacation? Does that count towards overtime? Or is it maybe something you put up with to help you get a decent evaluation or reference when you find your next dream! job?

In the meantime, find someone who hates happy hours too and hang with them. We're out there. That's why The Office was so popular in the UK and US. We know the truth!

[Pinkos]

@Leonor Amen!!!

I have learned that people pleasing in the workplace is a liability (and in general to actually). All it does is ensure that they consider you as little as possible and expect you to accommodate every whim.  And they will trample all over your boundaries. This is a boss who has no qualms in going under your desk and taking your snacks, without asking or paying you back. He makes 3-4 times what I make and there's a snack machine.

He had absolutely no legal or company policy basis for asking me to come in on my vacation for this work-related event. And you're right this is equivalent to him asking me to come in for work. I will not be getting paid extra for it. The vacation time is what I have earned from working all year, which entitles me to not come to work or see any of them unless I want to. His grave expression made me offer to check email, which I don't  have to do either. And he treated the offer as 'whatever.' The real issue is the happy hour. He's relying on the social pressure and his implied displeasure to coerce me into it. Let me put it this way - he would never put this request in writing!

I have no reason to believe that if I go this will impact me positively in the ways you mention. 6 months from now he will find some other excuse to express displeasure or be sour faced towards me. It just feels like game playing and like I'm at his whim. This has been my frustration all along. By the way I have attended the last 2 years and he didn't even remember. So whatever I do doesn't move the pluses and minuses on the ledger. The whole point is to be displeased and have me continually jump through hoops to be pleasing and seek approval. It's a colossal energy drain and a distraction.

If I thought for one second, this will make him happy and it will improve our relationship - I would do it!

[Catothecat]

Sounds like a narcissist, and narcissists make terrible managers.  When I've had them, the one behavior that stands out consistently is their emphasis on the "social" aspects of the office.  That's because simply managing the office effectively is boring and won't give them the immediate attention and subsequent praise that giving an "office party" provides.

And if you don't play along, they notice because they take it personally.  It's all about them, after all.  Your needs don't matter.  You are there to reflect positively on them.  You can be the best employee in the department, but that won't get you noticed like not playing the social game will!

Again in my experience, this pathological emphasis on socializing is usually a sign of a dysfunctional office.  A good, effective manager won't really care whether or not you attend the office social function.  They accept your reasons without a second thought.  But the narc manager or boss can't or won't let it go.  I once had a truly terrible boss, and he basically made it mandatory that everyone in the office attend the social events he held.  I went to one or two then stopped because I had better things to do with my free time than cater to his ego.  My manager then mentioned to me how we were all "expected" to attend these events.  I replied, oh, can he fire me for not going? in my best sarcastic voice.  My manager backed off at that point and never again made it an issue.  I thought, if you want to be a tool--go for it, and she knew that was what I was thinking. 

But these situations, under these conditions, definitely serve as reflections, either positive or negative, on the person creating the situation.  They don't have to create the situation but choose to.  A functional manager or boss won't do this.  Likely your manager knows you're wise to all this, and that bothers him even more!  He can't control you, and narcs  need control in all situations, at all times.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Hi Pinkos. I think I sort of get this. I have never been a fan of social activities with work colleagues. However, it mostly seems to be part of the reality of many companies. It seems to be about the boss creating a "team" and that old saying "we're like family here". (Ya, right. If anyone says that to me, I see it as a warning flag.) 

It might be part of their performance review to create a good environment, and they get to point to this event in order to check that box. You as a hold-out in his opinion might reflect badly on him. I believe this is about your boss and his need to control perception and people. 

All this said, I have "played nice" with similar situations just to keep my paycheck. Be gentle with whatever decision you make. It is alright. If you attend, you can always be present physically, but energetically keep to yourself and just smile and waive.   

[xredshoesx]

i'm social media friends with some of the folks i work with, but rarely do any kind of after work meet up/ social events.

i'm a friendly but distanced coworker.  i stay friendly bc we all could be moved around by central office and it's good to keep some of those connections.  i stay distanced bc i don't want to hear about work stuff outside of work and the distance is my boundary.  i don't drink, not really into gossip and again the complaining about the product we manufacture is not what i want to hear about in my time outside the workplace.

[Pinkos]

Thanks all for your comments - it's really helpful to have this sounding board to think through things. A few thoughts:

1. A lot of my interactions at work are influenced by growing up in an emotionally volatile home. I learned from my FOO that I'm responsible for others' behaviors and feelings. It is not healthy for me to go through life like this: fawning. Please be nice to me, please like me and I'll do whatever you want.

2. I take responsibility for being at this job for so long when I've been so unhappy. It's my responsibility to change that and I can't make other people responsible for my unhappiness. In acknowledging my responsibility, I also acknowledge his responsibility. It's his job to communicate expectations clearly and it's his job to manage the departmental needs and his employees morale. @catothecats nailed it when they said he finds this boring! This is a 100% true.

3. I can not meet expectations that are not clearly communicated. It's not my responsibility to read between the lines, guess, read the subtext etc to get at what he expects from me. I also do not have to meet unreasonable expectations. Getting upset or retaliatory bc I can't read his mind is unreasonable. I also feel asking me to come in on my vacation for a lunch or happy hour is unreasonable. The lunch or happy hour can be easily done while I'm not on vacation and that's what makes it unreasonable in my mind. If he feels I am not a good fit/not meeting expectations/bringing the morale down, that needs to be communicated constructively.

4. I'm not always wrong. Our employment system ensures that employees have as little control as possible. He has all the power. If he wants to make the work environment difficult and uncomfortable I can't really help that. It doesn't mean I'm doing something wrong. Like @catothecats said it's a reflection on him.

[Pinkos]

I also want to give a nod to myself;

I am a good employee. I have a good work ethic and I'm conscientious. I work efficiently. I follow up and keep track of loose ends. I don't put my work on others. I work independently with very little management from him. He has pretty much said all these things in my performance review. He's never given me a negative review. I make it easy for him to not have to deal with all the "boring" tasks of being a manager. I pretty much deal with any issues that arise and figure it out myself. I am a team player in many ways. If he can't see my value, I can't make him.

My sense of the issue with him is that he does see my value but he doesn't want to admit it and he feels more in control by making me feel insecure. I also wonder if he's just so bored and restless that he has to create unnecessary tension for his own amusement. For all I know he's already forgotten about this!

[treesgrowslowly]

Just chiming in to say Yes to what you wrote above Pinkos.

My thoughts reading your original post was: he sounds countroling and passive aggressive, and he probably has no insight into his own behavior and his lack of boundaries (going in to take snacks from others without asking is immature and disrespectful and reveals his hand - he doesn't think about others, just himself).

I bet he knows what he can get away with due to his position in the hierarchy. Sounds like a narc - as others have pointed out. Narcs lack self-reflection but they definitely know what they will be able to get away with! 

You are not wrong. It sounds like his form of control is subtle which makes it more of a gaslighting experience for people. They "get" to wonder if it is ok that they feel disrespected when he crosses their boundaries.

It is hard to have people like that in any position of leadership. They don't know how to lead! He can't see your value so yeah, it is important that you see your value!

Trees

[Pinkos]

Thank you @tressgrowslowly and I'm glad you picked up on his controlling and passive aggressive ways from my original post. I go through phases of self-blame and in trying to be as objective as possible I was worried that I was not being fair to myself in my OP. I feel like I was seeing myself through his self-serving eyes and being self-critical. I really need to be aware of this and remember my value in all of this.

I feel like a relatively good manager would just say 'have a great vacation! Hope you have fun things planned. We'll see you in the new year. You did a great job in 2023...you deserve a break.' Some variation of that. Instead I can't help but feel he deliberately gave me a confusing send-off that made me anxious going into my vacation. It has nothing to do with the holiday lunch or happy hour. It's all about his need to blame/project and dominate my attention. He does this periodically though his body language, being discourteous etc.

[DaisyGirl77]

I think you need to change the rules of your personal game a bit.  Roll back attending the December work event(s).  You go to them the 11 other months of the year; it's their problem if they don't like you don't go to the December ones.  If your boss wants to make it mandatory, he needs to express this in writing AND guarantee you full pay for the period of the event.  Otherwise, you'll carry on as though work doesn't exist.  (He won't because what would it look like if he had to FORCE employees to come to happy hours outside of work hours?)  Your posts point to a HIM problem.  Not yours.  You're making it yours because he's expressing his displeasure nonverbally every year over this.  After every meeting with him, follow up via email (BCC your personal email) for a paper trail.  "As per the meeting we just had, you stated you wanted XYZ from me.  I stated ABC would have to happen before XYZ.  We have left it at LMN.  Please respond to me if we misunderstood each other."

If he calls you to explain, follow up with an email TO THE ABOVE EMAIL YOU SENT reiterating the conversation.  Keep doing this.  If he escalates or challenges you on why you're doing this, just blandly state that you just want to keep miscommunications to a minimum & you've found having a written trail has been extremely helpful in previous jobs: "We seem to be having repeated conversations over the same issue, keeping track of your expectations via email has been most helpful."  Remember:  Bland.  The personality of a rock.  Try to keep a completely innocent air about you as you say this so he doesn't think there's an ulterior motive behind all this.

Lastly, I'd really consider leaving this job & finding another.  Everyone needs to be respected in the workplace; when one isn't being respected or treated with dignity, it's time to move on.  I've used www.askamanager.org for a ton of help.  She's fantastic, & provides open forums on the weekends to allow for readers to pose their pressing work-related questions for other readers to answer.  It's truly an invaluable resource on the internet.

[Pinkos]

@daisygirl77 thank you for your comment. I've been contemplating exactly what you've suggested. I also feel like if this is a mandatory event then that needs to be communicated to the whole team not just me. I have had the same vacation routine for the last 5 years, which means he has had the option since the 1st year to move the event earlier or move it to January. He chooses not to and instead harasses me over this issue every year right before I go on vacation. One year he purposely left me off the discussion to decide the date of the happy hour. I was out sick when they discussed it at the team meeting. Usually it's done via email. That was the first and only time it was discussed in person. I found out when the invite was sent out. I declined saying I had plans and he came up to me the day of and asked me if I could come for the first 30 mins or so and I said no. Again, he acted annoyed and like it was my fault when he had intentionally excluded me.

I feel like this is some passive aggressive bs. And maybe the only way to put a stop to it is to be direct (via email like you suggest). There's a big part of me though that feels it's not worth it but maybe that's just fear of retaliation. Idk. I feel like it's not worth expending this much energy but of course I'm already absorbing all the tension b0mb5 he's throwing at me. Ultimately I feel like I need to spend my energy on finding another job and not fighting with someone who is determined to be a jerk.

[treesgrowslowly]

Just my 2 cents - when we are dealing with narcissism in those who are above us at work...

I think we have to tread carefully here. It is our job that is important to protect, until we can secure a new one. Narc's don't change, and so we need to know why we are wanting to confront any of their behavior.

Just my 2 cents. Every situation with a narc is different - and even more so with our jobs. Some of us have jobs where we have lots of HR supports in place but most probably don't. Plus HR can only do so much.

I saw Dr. Romani has a video with a title that is about "why employers don't get rid of narcs". I have not watched it yet. But I watched another video of hers where she talked about how LITTLE awareness there is in the general public regarding narcissism - and so any of us who has this going on at our jobs should be thoughtful in how we address it - just for our own sakes. Because the stuff we are aware of re: narcissism - is not common knowledge yet.

Obviously this is very context dependent. It depends what the narc does and how it affects our job and whether we can find work arounds or not.

To the extent that we can, I think the Jerry Wise advice of "observe don't absorb" is a good mantra when we work for a jerk / narc. When someone steals candy out of people's office drawers without asking, that is exactly the sort of narc behavior that the narc is unlikely to change (because he doesn't see the problem) and HR is unlikely to get involved with (because if he is unwilling to stop doing it, in his position as the boss, there isn't much they can do). How can they get a grown adult to stop acting like a child, when he does his job tasks adequately? In most cases they can't.

Trees

[Pinkos]

Agreed @treesgrowslowly. It's not worth it! It's funny you mentioned Jerry Wise cause I go to his videos to remind myself about not absorbing so much and detaching. I know my brain is hyper-vigilant and it wants to focus and analyze his behavior. And worry, worry, worry. I think what I need to work on is detaching. I fear that confronting and being direct with him will only focus my attention on him. I want to focus on me and my goals and how I can move forward away from these dynamics.

I need to continue to reality check and remind myself that I'm good enough and I'm not doing anything wrong. And see this as a HIM problem. His chaos. His emotional immaturity. It's so hard and I've been there so long and I have a fear that I won't move on unless I just leave even if I don't have a job lined up. It's a scary thought. My brain has kept circling around this for the past week since I've been on vacation. That makes me sad and upset at myself for not being able to stop doing it. This job is so not worth it and knowing he doesn't consider me at all.....I hate that I give him so much space in my head.

[treesgrowslowly]

Pinkos,

You've had stress at your place where you live as well this year. So it ok to feel stressed out after the year you've had. People who could have been a support to you were instead just their immature selves. It is a lot to manage.

it can take a while but turning away from these people (mentally) will help.

Usually people who stay in my head, are the ones who are doing the same crap that my crappy relatives did - thus forcing me to relive the misery of being ignored by immature relatives. Not sure if that fits for you but I have noticed that is who upsets me the most these days. People who remind me of the family members I couldn't change in my past. I end up feeling like "will I ever be able to get away from their behavior?" .

Trees

[bloomie]

Hi Pinkos - adding a few thoughts as I read through your thread.

I know my brain is hyper-vigilant and it wants to focus and analyze his behavior. And worry, worry, worry. I think what I need to work on is detaching.

Someone recently here on the boards brought up the tendency of those of us who grew up in unstable homes to be hyper vigilant to subtext in our interactions with others. I know I certainly can attest to being one who over thinks even the subtlest shift in another and has had my finger to the wind to detect any change in the atmosphere around me.

When we are daily in contact with a work manager who gives mixed messages and manipulates overtly and covertly it is highly unsettling and can tend to take up so much emotional and mental energy we find ourselves spinning.

Throughout your responses what I am sensing is that this manager activates that hyper vigilant part of you that you have outgrown. That you are on the brink of empowerment whether you stay or go in your job. Whether your manager is disordered or simply tone deaf (because none of us can know that) you are heading to a new level of refusing to allow yourself to ruminate on the subtext and redirecting yourself to respond to clear, appropriate requests and direct communication. The. End.

This isn't about your manager, but you knew that all along. This is about the growth that has taken place in your life that allows you to both acknowledge boundary violations and manipulation AND take appropriate action when warranted and let it go. For example, when faced with a optional work related invitation: "I won't be able to join in the holiday party this year." That is a professional, polite, empowered 'no'. Which is your human right. 

The office games and who, how, or when the invitation and date were planned are a reality and there may have been some covertly intended slight in it all, but that losses its power over you because you are responding to an invitation in a mannerly way and the rest is on those who would parlay a party into possibly hurting a dedicated co worker. Leave the ugly right where it belongs. At the feet of those who would attempt to cast it onto you to carry around.

You are brilliantly onto something here with the quoted bit above from your last post! Cheering you on as you work through this!!

Here is a link to an interesting read about responding to subtext that was shared that I found really helpful:

https://www.tumblr.com/i-thesadtruth/644699152400498688/geekdawson-one-of-the-more-valuable-things-ive

[Pinkos]

Wow @bloomie thank you for that! I really needed to hear that! I will be re-reading your post often to remind myself that this is the task at hand. I remember a while back reading a tweet or something that said "you don't have to ask permission to be an adult."

And thank you @treesgrowslowly - you are spot on as well. After reading both your comments I realized how defeated I've felt lately. I haven't felt effective in many areas of my life: organizing the tenants in my bldg, interpersonal work dynamics, home buying and finding a good realtor. I think it's all just made me feel beaten down. But there's also this fear beneath it all that — I'm incapable of managing and that I better hold on tightly to what I've got. Any change or additional stress feels like it will overwhelm me or that I'll lose what little I have and just be bereft. Responding to people and circumstances from that fearful place has undermined me a lot.