Separated from BPDH but the kids

[capybara]

Hi all,

So I have been separated from BPDH for two months. I feel so much freer and stronger, even though I do have times of sadness and grieving. We are VLC at this point.

The thing is that we have 3 kids (tween and teen). In the last week, each of them has come back from a visit with H in distress at least once. Two of them angry at me, one of them tearful and planning to spend way more time with H than before "because he is so sad." I am FURIOUS because I feel like H is just manipulating them into looking after him, since I'm not doing it any more. At my house, we talk more about H's sadness than the kids' emotions. I think one kid blames me for how H feels.

Almost funny: H "gave" two of his collections to one of the kids "because H doesn't have room for it any more, and the kid loves them too."  So now I can't get rid of the d** things! And my poor kid is crying about how hard it is. If H wanted more space, he would have it. It is just more manipulation.

How do I help my kids? Two of them go to counselling, but usually H goes with them and joins at least part of the session, and I think the counsellor tells him whatever they say if he asks. All the kids don't want to talk about it, and I am sure they don't want to change counsellors.

My T has suggested family counselling with a BPD-experienced counsellor, but even if the teens and H would agree, I am not sure.

I am going to say that I want to go to half the kids' counselling sessions in the future instead of H going always, and I will also talk to the counsellor privately about a couple of concerning things I have seen. I am trying to be a safe space, listen to the kids, trying really hard to manage my own feelings and not get them defensive about him....

Does anyone have advice? This is breaking my heart. I keep thinking that if I had just kept absorbing all H's stuff, they wouldn't be in this position...

[Poison Ivy]

I'm very sorry that you and your children are in this situation.  Your husband sounds kind of like my ex-husband.  The only things I suggest for you to do that you're not already doing are things you allude to in your post.  1) Try to minimize time spent talking with the children about their dad's problems.  It's inappropriate for him to dump his sadness on the children. Maybe you could allow a few minutes of discussion about dad and then say, "I'm sorry your dad seems unhappy. But he needs to work out his problems himself. Now let's talk about you." 2) Talk to the children's therapist(s) about what is going on.  The therapist(s) should be able to help the children learn to set boundaries against their father's inappropriate behavior.

[Whiteheron]

stbx and I alternate taking DD12 to T. This way the T can get both "perspectives". Your kids' T absolutely should not be discussing what goes on in T without the kids' permission.

DD has also has a problem taking on stbx's feelings. She worries about him being lonely or sad or upset (if she only knew about his multiple supplies...). I think what finally helped was me repeating to her that his feelings were his and his alone, they were not her burden (her T also told her this). I would also ask her about her feelings - she would repeat stbx's feelings but not her own. I would gently say "those are dad's feelings, are you feeling ______?" and she would usually reply that she wasn't. Then she would go back to what her dad was feeling (or what she thought he was feeling). I would bring her around again. As many times as it took. Sometimes we resolved the issue, sometimes we didn't.

It was exhausting, but it was causing her so much anxiety.  I'm sure it is all part of stbx's master plan. Somehow. DD harbors a lot of anger towards him, which he successfully turns into guilt. And around and around we go.

[1footouttadefog]

Maybe it's time for the kids to learn the truth.

Example :. I am sorry your father is so sad.  Maybe he can meet up with some of the lady friends he used to have happy times with before we got divorced.  If not maybe he will find some friends soon, but this is not your problem to fix. 

[hhaw]

The PD should leave the kids out of the adult struggle, but rarely do, IME.

They arm the kids, like missiles, and send them back talking about how mommy doesn't want them to be a family... mommy won't give daddy a chance to be a good daddy.... mommy wants daddy to be sad, etc. 

It shouldn't be allowed by the Courts, and we'd certainly be hung up by our toes if WE did anything like tell the truth about the PD to the kids.

The best we can do is reassure kiddos everyone is going to be OK.  Things will be different, but everyone will be fine.  Even sad daddy will be fine once he gets used to the new set up.

The kids aren't to worry about the adult stuff, bc kids have their own jobs.  Get good grades, do their chores, and figure out what their passions are.  That's IT.

Give the kids permission to stay focused on their own stuff, even when daddy pulls a long face, and keep reassuring them all will be well.   

It can be helpful to have a good child T advocating for your children, and helping them understand their PD parent. 

Our T told my children their daddy was "sick" and that was as much explanation as a 5 and 7 yo were ready for in our cirumstances.  Later, we gave them more information, and I guess they got the full Monty last yea at 16 and 18 years old. 

It's a form of abuse to use the kids like that in a domestic situation,and your kids will likely come out of their childhoods more informed than their counterparts if you help them use their critical thinking skills.... ask them what THEY THINK about the things their father says, and does. 

Most of the time kids know.

It's easier for them to talk about it if we remember to always speak about the PD with compassion, and never ever ever judge them in front of the kids.

When kids feel defensive, they can't relax, and share their truth, IME.