It's been a while since I've posted but have been doing some hard work setting and holding boundaries, with very positive changes occurring. My purpose on this forum is to learn to stay married to uPDh but healthy. I set a new (long overdue) boundary in the bedroom several weeks ago. H started silent treatment, told me he would never have sex with me again, and cancelled our family vacation. He said I could go alone if I wanted. So I hiked up my skirts and bought a plane ticket to visit a friend for the week. The effect? SHOCK AND AWE. He tried hard to get me to stay home, but this website helped me stand firm. I had an awesome week and much needed break from the passive agressiveness.
Here's my question. When I got home, he had told the world that I had left and he didn't know if I would come home: my inlaws, his 7 siblings, friends, pastors, and our adult son. Inlaws are being super sympathetic to him and encouraging him to be strong, take a stand, yada yada. Should I set the record straight and tell them about the unseemly and pornographic bedroom scenario to get them to back off? Should I preach that what God has joined together, let not man put asunder??
I'm thinking about the Out of the FOG advice to let
PDs deal with their own messes, but this one affects my reputation and thus my ministry.
Thanks in advance for your advice on a giid approach.
Sincerely,
Mary
I don't think I'd share anything that personal, fuel for the fire so to speak. You could, truthfully, say that your H encouraged you to take a trip and you have no idea what he's going on about.
That's just me though.
I'd certainly tell my adult child, pastor and friends if that happened to me, not all the details but that you were just visiting a friend. I'm not sure about telling his family since they are likely to believe your husband.
I'm proud of you that you had the courage to leave and visit a friend after the stunt he pulled. That's awesome!
I would probably tell him that he needs to set the record straight with all these people he lied to (in front of you) . . . or, you will never have sex with HIM again. :bigwink:
:yeahthat:
This sounds like a page from my life. You did the right thing, hope you had a great get away and don't have to face any more retaliation for your "crime". :bigwink:
It was a Taste of Heaven to get away. I really surprised myself in doing it, but have been praying for more courage.
The whole experience is about boundaries: on silent treatment, on bedroom nasty talk, and on arbitrarily cancelling plans.
I came away with so much hope for the future...that maybe I can survive and thrive in this marriage with better boundaries in place. Then I got home and it felt like getting hit with an elephant gun that my h would boldface lie to me and about me like that. But I think back to the sweet week of rest God gave me and know that I am deeply loved by the One who made me.
That was my experience too, that my NPDh upped whatever I did, it sometimes felt like a war zone with a race for the deadlier weapon.
Applause for having the courage to go on the trip!
I would not phone around to correct his stories but would tell those, who approached me the truth.
:yeahthat:
My daughter has been married for nearly 20 years dealing with this same kind of problem and is now standing on her own two feet setting boundries as you are and has returned back to attending church services something that her husband didn't like and though different circumstances still sounds much like what you are experiencing.
My daughter is still in the process of deciding what to do about their marriage. She put boundries on him and has let him know that she is sticking to them. I hope she will.
I am really very curious about why do so many in marriages like this choose to stick with it and not get a divorce?
I know the abuse given by a NPD spouse is very damaging and can really change a person even very gradually as they don't even realize how it has effected and changed their lives. Why do the victims stay with the NPD?
I'm really sorry you are having to go through this and I hope what ever your circumstances that you will be blessed and have happiness.
You deserve much more.
bb
I stay because
1. I'm relatively safe and he is not cheating on me.
2. I have children, and he is a good dad alot of the time. Divorce is a crap shoot-- with the wrong judge, I could end up with a terrible custody arrangement, penniless, and kids hating me. There is way too much at stake to take that risk. 3. I believe it honors God to keep my wedding vows.
As I learn to set compassionate boundaries, life is still hard, but improving. I'm peaceful.
If my spouse said he dod not want to habe sex ever again i would now that I am Out of the FOG tell him that means he is asking for a divorse.
Mary:
Who's telling you what your PD said? Is your PD telling you stories about what people are saying and doing OR are these people coming to you, expressing concern and repeating things the PD told them?
I found my PD would TELL me he told people this or that.... but he didn't. That set me up to run around like a chicken with her head cut off, talking gibberish that made no sense to anyone.
Stay calm. Let some time pass. Determine what he said and to whom.
Reassure your grown son and children you're right where you intend to stay... at home, raising children. You're the calm consistent mom, and your mission is to remain focused on the kids. Let your PD run around like a chicken with his head cut off spouting an obvious exaggeration... .you didn't leave. You're at home, right where you've always been, but for a short visit to see a friend.
Don't let him make you appear unstable defending yourself, kwim? You don't have to share all the details of the argument. You don't have to explain the argument at all. You went on vacation. The PD lost his mind and said things that weren't true, obviously.
I'd also ask people what they thought about the PD's stories. It's likely he's been dramatic and reactive in front of most everyone in his life. It's likely you've been the peace keeper, low key spouse, downplaying the abuse. People who're open to the truth will pay attention to facts and history, IME.
People who like drama and chaos won't believe the truth, even if you have videos and documents proving the truth. It's up to you to decide who's worth your time and breath. Speaking to logical sane people is worth your time. Speaking to irrational people who want to whip your PD into a frenzy.... aren't. You might have to give up relationships with people who aren't rational..... to protect your sanity.
I wouldn't defend myself or explain beyond the most relevant facts.... PD was angry and canceled family vacation. You decided to have a vacation and visited a friend for a short while. You're back. What else do they want to know?
There you are. Home. Parenting. That's a fact no sane person would try to dispute.
Rise up. See yourself from far above.... what advice would you give a friend in your situation?
Quote from: 1footouttadefog on May 24, 2020, 08:49:09 PM
If my spouse said he dod not want to habe sex ever again i would now that I am Out of the FOG tell him that means he is asking for a divorse.
Exactly. I felt deep in my spirit that this time I needed to make a BIG deal about what was happening. Since the trip, all that has changed. There has been no more bedroom sleezy talk, and our commitment to eachother has solidified. He saw that I was not going to just go quietly into the night. It was a bigger line in the sand than even I realized. Since the trip, I am not the same person. I am free to do right. I am free to be me. I am not leaving him, I am changing so I can stay and stay healthy.
Quote from: hhaw on May 24, 2020, 11:53:13 PM
Rise up. See yourself from far above.... what advice would you give a friend in your situation?
Thank you so much for this post. It really is helping me put the situation in perspective. What you said that rational people will see through the drama seems to be playing out. My BIL made an off-handed comment last week that made me realize that not everyone was buying into the false narrative. Thank God for the affirmation from you and from BIL!
You're very welcome, Mary: )
PDs think they're so clever, bc they win some, and manipulate certain people.
I've never met one who could fool all of the people all of the time, IME.
Mary, this was so so so brave. I'm wondering if I can get up the gumption to set a bedroom boundary about something just like this. I'm realizing I don't even care what the fallout would be. Never have sex with me again? Who cares. Divorce me? Don't let the door hit you in the butt...
Maybe I can be brave like you.
Quote from: Mary on February 24, 2020, 08:58:49 PM
When I got home, he had told the world that I had left and he didn't know if I would come home.
Should I set the record straight and tell them about the unseemly and pornographic bedroom scenario to get them to back off?
He was telling everyone that you had "left him." That is the problem to be rectified by your question. You can fix that without airing dirty laundry. I'd encourage you to rectify that problem in the simplest way possible to make a de-escalation possible. Something along the lines of "oh, it was nothing like that. I went to visit a friend for the week, and we simply had a terrible misunderstanding. It's embarrassing to have you guys all hear that, but no: I never left him, didn't mean for him to think I had, and we are quite together."
That will leave you, as others have noted, with additional questions to ponder. Competing sexual threats are not healthy and productive. Neither are stand alone ones, though, and you should never again have to endure them. But remember to focus on your own long-term goal here. You deserve respect and peace of mind.
Be good. Be strong.
Quote from: SparkStillLit on June 14, 2020, 05:55:46 PM
Maybe I can be brave like you.
This is not me. I'm quiet and often pandering. But I had asked some friends to pray that I would have courage in setting boundaries...and the next thing you know...I'm on a plane...lol
I was really second guessing myself, but the person sitting next to me on the plane was a lay counselor, and he talked me through it for a good couple of hours. He insisted that I was doing the right thing, and it helped me so much. Thank you Jesus!